F3 New Orleans

Tag: Cardinal

  • Practice?! We Talkin’ About Practice?! – from Goose

    Yes. Yes, we are talkin’ about practice. This PAX has been leaning way to heavily on their natural athletic abilities and playground skills, but that’ll never get us to perform on the next level. This morning it was time to get back to fundamentals, back to teamwork, and back to puking. So, YHC dusted off his collared high school basketball coach shirt (yes, it was girls’ basketball, and yes I was just the assistant, but I am a treasure chest filled with knowledge and leadership) because it was time to give these thugs a proper basketball practice.

    Pre-warmups consisted of hugging the lion’s head for those deep calf stretches on the statue’s pedestal. Warmups consisted of the usual plus high knees and butt kicks to get the ankles and lungs moving. During the warmups, YHC kept looking over his shoulder to see if Tana was gonna pull in late. (Maybe he thinks “HC” stands for “Fart Sack”. Like in a different language.) We had five solid, which would work fine for what YHC had planned.

    We then moseyed over to the basketball court through a growing line of cars with people waiting in them (no idea), YHC carrying our high quality basketball (gray, perfect for the gloom, and nice and smooth after months of four-square in the street). I then shared some of my experience as a high school basketball player (“more of a defensive guy”) with a Cuban coach. I started the practice with one of his favorite inspirational speeches (in my best dramatic Cuban accent):
    “Every day in Africa, a lion wakes up. And, he knows he must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or he will starve.
    “Every day in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. And, he knows he must run faster than the fastest lion, or he will be eaten.
    “So, gentlemen, how do you know if you’re running fast enough??
    “SWEAT!!”

    Trying to get your head wrapped around that? Don’t. Just start running. And, that’s what we did. We started with single-file figure 8’s around the court. Starting in the corner, sprint to half court, slap the ground, side-shuffle across to the other sideline, slap the ground, sprint to the opposite baseline, slap the ground, side-shuffle across, and repeat back to start. This was tough, so we did it twice to get the system nice and woke.

    After a ten-count, we split into partners(ish) and did chest pass drills. Two men faced each other about 15ft. apart and side-shuffled from one basket to the other chest passing it back and forth and finishing with a bounce pass and layup at the other end. The next pair was waiting there to take over going the other direction. For every dropped pass or missed layup, the pair were penalized with 15 crunchy frogs. We did a lot of crunchy frogs. Passes were better than I expected, but the baskets seemed to have force fields around them. We were celebrating made layups like they were 3-pointers.

    After about 10 minutes, we switched to a rebound tip-drill. PAX lined up single file facing the right side of the backboard, and the first guy in line tossed the ball off the backboard for the next guy to jump, grab the ball, and put it back off the board before hitting the ground. Each guy in turn had to do the same and then run to the back of the line. If the ball hit the ground, all PAX were penalized with 10 jump squats. I have to say, I pictured this one being a bit of a train wreck, but the PAX who showed up this morning were all athletes, even if in a former life. From the get go, that ball stayed up and the line kept moving through multiple cycles before dropping. It was beautiful. But I couldn’t tell them that–I had to stay in character. And that character would always say, “Perfection–is that too much to ask?!” So, after about five minutes on each side of the backboard and only about 40 total jump squats, we lined up on the baseline for a well-deserved suicide.

    The next drill was supposed to be 3 on 2 on 1, but since we only had 5 guys, it was just 3 on 2, and it worked fine. This is a fast break drill to help with of getting more of your men down the court faster and taking advantage of numbers for a quick score. Two PAX played defense while three brought the ball downcourt to try to score. Offense won if they scored, and defense won if they got the ball. Winners did 20 LBC’s while losers did 10 Big Boys. Then, we just rotated so we all had turns in each position.
    Again, latent athleticism revealed itself here and there on the ground, but the basket seemed to be playing better defense than all of us. It was fun to play some ball after so many years, though, but after about 10 minutes, it was time to shift into fourth quarter, game-on-the-line training.

    YHC had the PAX run a quick half court and back, full court and back just to wind us a bit and put the pressure on. Each PAX, starting with Enron (since he sprinted for the win on that first half-court) was given a chance to make a free throw to win the game and send us home. If they missed, it was another half-court, full-court sprint. We had about five minutes remaining on the clock, so any made shot could have officially ended it for us and given us a nice, slow mosey back to the flag. But, we all missed. Every single one of us. I think a few of us hit the rim, which was encouraging, but we had to mosey back to the flag knowing that we had been defeated at the last second of the game. I think that’s what made Smooth puke. (It’s ok, Smooth. It’s just a game.)

    COT with prayer intentions between panting breaths and Cardinal prayed us out. Heckuva job, team. I think we just might make the tournament next year.

  • Hit ‘Dem Commitments! – from Goose

    A number of the PAX were with their wives on a married couples’ retreat with YHC over the weekend at Lumen Christi, and the rest of the PAX were gracious enough to meet us there at 6am for the official Saturday beatdown. The morning had already started with a number of awesome surprises:
    1. Two of the non-F3 retreatants came out after seemingly no interest shown the day before, one of whom had driven down from St. Louis. YHC happened to pack the trophy F3 St. Louis shirt won during the 2022 Make America Burpee Again CSAUP, and I only remembered that it was in my bag when he showed up that morning. It was an awesome “coincidence”, and the newly minted “Photoshop” will now be properly attired when he posts back home.
    2. A tall, dark, hooded being crept up silently in the cold darkness and refused to answer requests for identification until YHC recognized him when he was only about 10 feet away. Enron was ready to jump the stranger, but his wide smile and goofy laugh revealed the last Cotter we expected to see that morning–it was Cutthroat! After from swearing off F3, hills, and anything non-crossfit, he couldn’t fight that feeling anymore, and he was ready to battle the snakes, ant piles, and elevation that only this AO could deliver.
    3. Ben Naquin, to be later named “Prius”, caved to his brother-in-law, Fence Post’s pressure to get busy livin’, and despite a helluva tough year including some new physical limitations, powered out an incredible first beatdown with tenacity and perseverance matched by few.

    The joy of the 12 PAX at such a great showing was palpable, and the warmup was executed with high energy–a lot of the usuals with no arms; YHC’s shoulder is still needing some rest, so it would be lots of legs and abs today!

    The theme that would carry us through the day was the same as the retreat: Domestic Church–particularly the 7 commitments each couple chooses to improve upon over the course of their journey: individual prayer, prayer with Scripture, couple prayer, family prayer, couple dialogue, rule of life, and an annual retreat.

    Started with a combined individual prayer/prayer with Scripture, which was represented by an Indian run around the campus with the last guy dropping off for three genuflections before sprinting to the front of the line. Just like individual prayer, you gotta break the rhythm of the day to stop what you’re doing and hit your knees–it’s not gonna happen on its own!

    We stopped on top of the hill for couple prayer and partnered up for a lazy Dora. Each “couple” went back and forth offering their “prayers” in the form of splitting duty on 100 wife pleasers (the non-“praying” partner held bridge), 200 squats (other partner held Al Gore), and 300 flutter kicks (other partner held 6 inches). It was only later in the day, once the sun was up, that many of the PAX were able to see just how many ant piles were on that hill–it was truly a miracle no one laid in one or more and got munched. It really looked like we were all clear in the darkness of the gloom.

    Next was family prayer–a ring of fire with all PAX doing constant smurf jacks to represent a bunch of active kids waiting their turn to pray, or in this case, squat jump. We made it to 50 before YHC called it to make time for couple dialogue.

    Any Domestic Church veteran will tell you that couple dialogue, though typically a sleeper, is the secret sauce. This is where the real money is, where the major growth happens for the couples who take advantage of it. A couple dialogue allows a couple to make measurable progress–it takes time an effort, but if you don’t give up early, it’ll change you. It would be no different this morning–the memories and the PTSD would center around this routine: 11’s over the hill. We started on the lake side with 10 Apolo Onos and on the other did 1 gas pump–next time was 9 and 2 and so on until finishing at 1 Ono and 10 gas pumps. Transportation was nurring (running backward) up and running down (both ways). It was the nur. The nur uphill caused YHC to think more than once about calling this one early, and more than once I checked my watch to see if time would give me an excuse, but we were going too fast. Paradiddle and Wet Tap wouldn’t let YHC ease up without it being obvious–we were in it together, all in, or not at all. I’m grateful for those dudes, per usual, and for their tenacity and companionship, cuz there was no place for a tired, self-pitying Goose to hide, so I didn’t miss out on the chance for some solid growth in mental toughness.
    Huge T-claps to the two FNG’s (and Cutthroat, too) for their staying with this one–it was designed assuming we’d have nothing but veterans out there this morning, but these guys never gave up!
    Side-note–a few minutes into this is when another stranger emerged out of the gloom, this time with a bouncing phone flashlight, and tried to just enter the fray unnoticed, but his off-color, plant-worker humor gave him away, as did the 6:40 arrival time–typical Goats in the machine arrival time is 5-10 minutes late, but this time, his Lenten lack of social media usage made him 40 minutes late (didn’t check GroupMe), so he promised to do some Doras at home. Good to have you, Goats, regardless of how long we get you!

    We ended on the far side of the hill for rule of life and the annual retreat. For rule of life, we picked on of YHC’s household rules, no phones on the toilet. This was represented by 15 mountain man poopers, increasing in speed as the reps increased representing how quickly YHC can get in and out of the bathroom now.
    The retreat is a chance for us to pack up our wives and kids and drag them to a far off location in hopes that it will do us some good. So, we grabbed our partners and piggy-backed them up the hill, then dropped them, ran down, and flapjacked. This is where the highlight of the morning happened–Ben (“Prius”) was first carried by Superfun(d), who is not a small man, but when they flapjacked, YHC assumed there would be some modifications, but once Smooth dropped me at the top and I turned around, there was Ben, moving quick up the hill, a determined smile on his face. All our legs were dead at this point, but he wanted to see if he could do it. His digging deep blew the whole PAX away, and they erupted, cheering wildly as he topped the hill with his mustached rider. It was a thing of beauty.

    We moseyed back to the flag for 7 minutes of Mary, 20 IC of the following: crunchy frogs, leg raises, J-Lo’s, pickle pounders (excellent mumblechatter from Cutthroat and Cardinal about potential publicity issues with this), and Jane Fondas to go with Yankee Joe’s Donna Summers comments. Held plank for the last minute, and then called it.
    COT with some FNG naming fun, the Animal shirt going to the indomitable Paradiddle, and then Superfun(d) prayed us out. It was an awesome addition to the retreat, and another great shot in the arm for the F3 Thibodaux crew.

    SYTIG,
    Goose

  • ParO’dox and the St Patrick Games – from Paradox

    YHC rolled into the Den on two wheels with just a few extra minutes to let some LepraCones (tM) stretch their legs in the ball park . YhC saw Dilly drive up to see what was happening, gave a fist bump and politely let him know that everything he had seen was “classified “. YHC then set out a few coin dishes and the last thing YHC saw was a gangly Irish fellow with a green mullet and a smedium Irish Affliction shirt (never change Thibodaux Walmart) coming toward me. He had Joy in his eyes and a prayer in his heart. He shotgunned a Guinness and told YHC this beatdown was his…that’s when YHCs lights went dim and all that’s left below are eye witness accounts and fragmented memories during an out of body experience.

    Duke !! Get the footage !!

    Warmup

    5:15am:
    Report from Dale at the
    Chic Fil La Drive Thru :

    “I saw several middle aged men loitering around a lion statue. They looked like they were waiting on someone. Then a maniac rounded the corner with green hair and it was business in the front , party in the back . I’m gonna be honest with you here, that guy looked high. Maybe bath salts. He ran around them in circles, obviously some pagan ritual chant playing from a wireless device. He paused in the middle and spoke in what sounded like a hybrid between Jeff Foxworthy and Connor McGregor. They followed him in unison and it only took a few minutes for them to work into a full lather. He gave them one last cussin and they disappeared toward the demon duck pond. Strange man …real strange. “

    5:22am
    Report from Martha who “gets her steps in” every morning at the demon duck pond track:

    “Youths today !! I tell ya what ! They ran by me in a line singing about drunken sailors and rambling rovers! Then they made the last man do a crude 1/2 lunge dance. This new generation is circling the toilet ! Now if you’ll excuse me I need 400 more steps so I can have my pastalaya for breakfast “

    Journal entry from Earl Thibodaux
    Who works maintenance for the parks department and keeps meticulous notes during his smoke break.

    “These young fellas poured into the ball field about 5:30a. They had cardinals, gooses and one guy was straight up named after a piece of wood. Clearly gang affiliated. The skinny mullet weirdo read them an excerpt from the St Patrick prayer and they danced around the field. The signs said :

    Station 1
    Christ Beneath Me
    10 big bois
    1 coin

    5 bonnie Blair’s

    Station 2 Center Field
    Christ on my right, Christ on my left
    15 (2 is one) Apolo Ohnos
    2 coins

    Station 3 Right Field
    Christ Above Me
    20 Star Jumps
    3 coins

    5 bonnie Blair’s

    That fella then organized some sort of exercise money game. Prolly with that real Lean fella they call Enron.

    First they went solo collecting coins at Stations and the losers did squats.

    Next he had them Split into teams
    They started at home base with 2 buckets for coins.
    1 fella was at at bucket doing jumping jacks at all times but could swap out with a team mate.
    The rest of them leapt to any station or a cone to complete reps or gather a prize which gave them gold coins for the bucket of gold.

    He had some cones out too , looked like this:
    Cone 1 (I) 20 LBCs 1 coin
    Cone 2 (R) 100 high knees (1 is 1)
    Cone 3 (E) 30 Leg Raises …(the answer to the preBlast riddle was set as a 0 coin trap . Sorry Dilly! )
    Cone 4 (L) 10 side Lunges (left right is 1)
    Cone 5 (A) 10 American hammers
    Cone 6 (N) 20 flutter kicks
    Cone 7 (D) 10 dolphin Hops

    I heard the one they called Dilly holler “stay away from the E cone, it’s a trap!” They never saw it coming.

    They played a few rounds and the team with the cranky bald fella that makes fake siren noises kept winning. Finally they jogged back around the civic center and I for one , wouldn’t be surprised if you saw those mugshots on the 6 o clock news. “

    5:58
    Dale from Chic Fil La again

    “Well that girl forgot my mini biscuits so I made another lap around the drive thru. That’s when I saw them kids sprinting back to the lion. They did a few more leg ups then counted each other and named each other. They said a group prayer and scattered before I could even jot down a plate number!

    6:20a
    Paradox:
    YHC woke up in his driveway with a foggy head and some scattered cones. A note on my windshield read “you’ve got a solid group of Lads there, now they know a proper Irish beatdown !
    St Patty Pray for us
    see ya next year
    – ParO’dox “

    NMM

    Was recently discussing the consistency aspect of F3 with Enron and we both agreed it had outlasted any previous “fad exercises” in our careers. A funny thing about F3 for YHC is the “frog in boiling water “ effect. One day you walk into your first gloom with old gym shorts on cus your friend said it was “a challenging workout ”. The next thing you know you have on a Irish national flag hat with a sewn in mullet singing sea shanties and yelling “Oui” as a response while you lead other men. Yet just as the frog can’t quite remember when the water started boiling, I can’t really pinpoint when F3 begin to make me a better man. I just know day by day, rep by rep , through suffering and triumph we improve each other a little more .

    See Ya Bonnie Lads in the Gloom
    Dox

  • The Big Shamrock’s Birthday Bash – from Lil Cuz

    As I’m sure many of you are aware, today is a very special day. Today we celebrate the birth of Big Shamrock himself. AKA Hobo Master, AKA The Big Banana, AKA The Big Galactus,
    AKA Witness Protection, AKA Manny Shaq-Iaou, AKA MayorMcShaq,or more commonly
    known as Shaquille O’Neal AKA Shaq.

    Typical Warm up with the added blessing of a Cajun recipe shared by Enron that got all Pax riled up wanting to know how to make Fake Turtle Soup. Crowd went wild as he explained the intricacies of such a delicacy that most of the circle couldn’t help but dry heave as he blasted the remnants from last night across everyone’s assaulted nostrils. Mouths were open…

    Thang 1:

    Trivia Questions:
    If Correct – 34 – Freddy Mercs (2:1), or Flutter Kicks (2:1), or LBC’s (1:1)
    If Wrong – 32 Squats (1:1)

    1. What year was Shaquille O’Neal born? Incorrect

    – 1972

    2. What position was Shaq selected in the 1992 NBA Draft? Incorrect

    – Round 1; Pick 1

    3. How many NBA Championships has Shaq won? Incorrect

    – 4

    4. What is Shaq’s rap name? Correct

    – Big Diesel

    5. Name one of Diesel’s 4 album releases: Correct

    – Shaq Diesel
    – Shaq Fu: Da Return
    – You Can’t Stop the Reign
    – Respect

    6. What famous artist featured Diesel on his album titled “HIStory”? Incorrect

    – Michael Jackson

    7. How tall was Shaq by the age of 10? Correct

    – 6’ 4”

    8. What was Shaq’s free throw career percentage? Incorrect

    – 52.7%
    – FUN Fact: He once missed all 11 of his free throw attempts in a game against
    the Seattle SuperSonics on December 8, 2000, which is the current record.

    9. What is Shaq’s 3-pointer career percentage? Incorrect

    – 4.5% or 1 in 22 attempts

    10. Shaq was nominated for 3 Golden Raspberry Awards for his work in film, what was one
    of the categories nominated? Correct
    – Worst New Star
    – Worst Actor
    – Worst Supporting Actor

    Honestly expected going into this portion we would have way more ab type workouts to do and instead we did so many more squats which would prove to be detrimental once we got to Thang 3…more on that later. Enron has got his best CPA co-workers on the calculations as we got reminded this morning math is not his strong suit, and Dox sent his wife to brainstorm with the other doctors as they are all hard at work calculating the exact number of squats performed this morning. We all wait with sore quads in anticipation to know how manly our legs will be tomorrow morning upon waking up. Word is Goose has gone home to study for Kobe Bryant’s birthday to be better prepared come August. Now with our fresh knowledge that will definitely be on the test at the end of the semester, we moved into our training and competition.

    Thang 2: Cone Dribbling Drill
    1. Each Pax on a team must dribble through the cone course and return back to the team then the next pax can go.
    2. While the Pax is dribbling the rest of the team will do various workouts until Dribbling
    Pax is done.

    1. SSH (1:1)
    2. Flutter Kicks (2:1)
    3. Squats (1:1)
    4. LBCs (1:1)
    5. Al Gore (1:1)
    6. 6” Inch hold (1:1)

    Team wins when each team member has dribbled twice through the course. Winning team
    receives nothing but props for being better ball handlers than the other team. Side Note: YHC neglected to mention that this was a race until near the second lap and this probably is the reason Team 2 lost. No excuses though, Team 2 just needs to start dribbling practice for Big Shamrock’s Birthday next year. First practice is Wednesday at 9pm after kids go to bed. See you guys at the Lion’s Den. Team 1, find your own place to practice!

    Thang 3: 11’s
    Burpee (1:1)
    – Mosey with #1’s pointing to Sky to opposite Sidewalk
    Apolo Ohnos (2:1)
    – Nur Back with Hand held up like after just making 1st (and only) Career 3-
    pointer

    This portion was simply put here to make sure all the whoopers could show their strain to the rest of the world. Looking forward to those screen shots fellas. Also, all those incorrect answers and squats really piled on to make this thang increasingly difficult. The ANIMAL himself recognized another ANIMAL in his midst and I believe it was the grit and determination Cardinal showed to complete this monster of strain pushed him over the edge to be gifted the peeled back sweat covered shirt off Smooth and is Monday’s ANIMAL. (Which will be gifted on Thursday due to unforeseen conflicts for a Tuesday Tuff).

    4MOM potlock style with Goose throwing in the crowd favorite Dr. W’s and Dox finishing us
    off with his ever famous Dolphin Hops. Gotta love em! (Cuz we do them so much).

    COT and Paradox prayed us out!
    Great Birthday celebration today fellas, and thanks for putting up with Enron’s fake turtle soup recipe long enough to get through another beatdown.

    SYITG,

    Lil’ Cuz, AKA Cuz Master, AKA The Big CUZ, AKA, Manny Cuz-Iaou, AKA MayerMcCuz,
    or more commonly known as Cuz.

  • A Lion, A Partnership, and a Tank Top: A Short Story – from Yankee Joe

    Seven PAX showed at the Lion’s Den, which was a nice surprise. The night before, YHC had shared a pre-blast with his M, and she responded with something like, “This is why you have difficulty making friends.” Ouch. But, she’s kinda right.

    The idea was inspired by Goose’s Burpee Time(r) beatdown the Tuesday Tuff prior. In that beatdown, PAX rotated through a variety of exercises for the duration of however long it took one PAX to complete 20 burpees. Though grueling, YHC noticed how much more eager he was to push through the pain of 20 burpees when other PAX’s suffering was hanging in the balance. So YHC attempted to take that “leave no PAX behind” commitment to partner commitments. In this episode of “we’re not medical or even fitness professionals,” Partner 2 would work through a combined 15 minutes of elbow plank work, while Partner 1 (the Timer) worked through sets of varying stupidity.

    Ok, so my way of making friends looks different. But is it effective? Well, probably not. Regardless, YHC was happy to see Fence Post who has started to become a mainstay of the Thursday Lion’s Den. In the mold of Lil’ Cuz, his quiet, methodical movements through a beatdown inspire a sense of deep respect. His sheer strength is still unnerving. YHC can’t wait to see him in action come Iron Pax. Part of the reason the Lion’s Den came into being was to be closer to Chackbay. As the Cardinal flies, it is only a few miles. That said, Cardinal does not fly, and he showed up “on time” in the same way crawling “backward is forward” for a crab. Goats in the Machine apparently wants to be a crab too, though he probably still thinks beatdowns start at 5:30 and not 5:15. But the man keeps showing up, and that’s all that matters. Enron made his appearance in an unpredictably good mood. Erich the Great aka Ragnar aka Tana showed sporting his newly acquired six pack abs courtesy of F3. Goose showed up wearing a tank top reading ANIMAL on the front. Enron somehow said nothing about it. I’ll get to that in a bit.

    Warm-up 5:15 – 5:25
    Side straddle hops
    Windmills 15 ct
    Arm circles forward 15 ct
    Arm circles backward 15 ct
    Cherry pickers 15 ct
    Self love
    High knees 15 ct
    Knoxville cherry pickers 15 ct
    Mountain climbers 10 ct
    Mosey around civic center

    The Thangggg 5:27 – 6:00
    Partner up; Start on embankment in front of civic center
    P1 exercise represents the timer for each station
    P2 exercise happens simultaneously until P1 has finished
    P1 & P2 bear crawl between each station
    At end of circuit, P1 & P2 flapjack, then work their way back through stations
    Mosey around civic center between rounds

    Circuit Round 1
    Station 1
    P1 does 25 decline groiners on embankment
    P2 does decline peter parker merkins on embankment
    When P1 finished, both bear crawl 15 yards to Station 2

    Station 2
    P1 does 25 monkey humpers
    P2 does chilcutt peter parkers
    When P1 finished, both bear crawl 10 yards to Station 3

    Station 3
    P1 does 25 burpees
    P2 does J-Flecks (J-Lo both sides, then pickle pounder)
    When P1 finished, both bear crawl 10 yards to Station 4

    Station 4
    P1 does 25 coupon thrusters
    P2 does dancing chilcutts

    When P1 finished, partners flapjack and work back through stations

    Mosey around civic center

    Circuit Round 2: Rinse and Repeat
    Mosey around civic center

    2MOM
    Leg lifts
    Freddie Mercury’s 2:1
    Pulsing Supermans? (Goose called them Lois Lanes, so now that is what F3 Thibodaux will call them.)

    After namarama, Goose explained the tank top. YHC couldn’t help saying an internal prayer of gratitude. Had Goose meant to wear it without any explanation, our friendship would have been examined more carefully. In the end, Goose, always thinking about how to serve the PAX, announced (mandated, commanded) that after each beatdown the ANIMAL tank top would be bestowed upon the PAX that most exemplified the nature of an animal.

    Or maybe it was the PAX that most sounded like an animal? Maybe it was the PAX that best blew ass like an animal? What constitutes the definition of a “beatdown ANIMAL” is still unclear. In Enron’s case, perhaps it represents the PAX that taunts the Form Police most like an animal. But again, I have no clear evidence.

    COT and Cardinal reminded YHC he needed to pick someone to pray. Thus, Cardinal prayed us out.

    Always grateful for each of you and your willingness to push through to your inner animal.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Joe

  • Huff, Puff, and Beatdown – from Goats in the Machine

    Warm-O-Rama

    Sub-contracted to goose due to the Q’s tardiness

    THANG 1: Story of the 3 little pigs

    Once upon a time, three little pigs decided to leave their mother’s house and build their own homes. The first little pig built his house out of straw
    • Pig 1 built a house of straw – 4 bodybuilders. Wind sprint to the parking lot

    the second little pig built his house out of sticks
    • Pig 2 built a house of sticks – 8 bodybuilders. Wind sprints to the last picnic table

    and the third little pig built his house out of bricks.
    • Pig 3 built a house of bricks – 12 bodybuilders. Wind sprints to the opposite sidewalk

    One day, a big, bad wolf came and knocked on the door of the first little pig’s straw house. “Little pig, little pig, let me come in!” said the wolf. But the little pig replied, “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!”
    • 20 LBCs (symbolizing the wolf huffing and puffing at the straw house)

    The wolf huffed, puffed, and blew the straw house down. The little pig ran to his brother’s house made of sticks.
    • PAX to run a loop

    But the wolf followed him and knocked on the door. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!” said the wolf. But the two little pigs replied, “Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins!”
    • 20 LBCs (symbolizing the wolf huffing and puffing at the straw house)
    • 20 reps of merkins (symbolizing the wolf trying to break down the stick house)

    The wolf huffed, puffed, and blew the stick house down. The two little pigs ran to their brother’s house made of bricks.
    • PAX to run a loop

    But the wolf followed them and knocked on the door. “Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!” said the wolf. But the three little pigs replied, “Not by the hair on our chinny chin chins!”
    The wolf huffed and puffed but couldn’t blow the brick house down. So, he climbed onto the roof and tried to come down the chimney. But the clever little pigs had a pot of boiling water waiting for him, and the wolf fell into the pot. The pigs covered the pot with a lid and boiled the wolf alive.
    • 20 LBCs (symbolizing the wolf huffing and puffing at the straw house)
    • 20 reps of merkins (symbolizing the wolf trying to break down the stick house)
    • 20 reps of air squats (symbolizing the wolf climbing the brick house and falling down the chimney)

    From that day on, the three little pigs lived happily ever after in their sturdy brick house, knowing that hard work and determination always pay off in the end.

    THANG 2: a game called “Beat the Wolf”

    The Pax Break into groups of 4. 3 PAX represents each of the pigs. (4 PAX will be pigs for teams of 5). 1 PAX is the Wolf.

    The 3 pigs plank. When the wolf arrives at a pig, the pig then calls an exercise for a 10-rep count. Whoever completes the task the fastest wins and becomes the pig in the plank position. The loser becomes the Wolf and moves on to the next Pig. Rinse and repeat. If a pax is a wolf 3 times in a row, he can do 5 penalty burpees to become a pig or remain the wolf.

    Thang 3
    • Elevens: overhead hand claps & calf raises, transport with bear crawls and walking leg kicks

    Mary
    • Pax Potluck Mary

    • COT • Announcements • Intentions • Smooth Prayed us out

    Moleskin
    YHC was running late, as usual, this morning. T-Claps to Goose for keeping the train on the tracks. YHC is grateful for the PAX transporting themselves to the 19th-century American countryside for a cheese fable-based beatdown. Hopefully, the storyline aided the pax in exerting maximum physical output with a minimal mental load. To be honest, YHC thought it would take longer than it did and wishes we would have taken a victory lap after the last round. In Thang 2 we continued the man-vs-man theme that has been popping up in previous beatdowns. T-claps to Smooth Operator for using a strategy that created an advantage with his short arms and impeccable bear crawling skills. Additionally, Yankee Joe can up with some crazy core-based stuff that exposed YHC’s lack of core strength (again). With this extra time to spare YHC called for Elevens and showed mercy by way of overhead claps and calf raises. Based on the mumble chatter, YHC will not show this type of mercy again.

    Thanks to all for going along with this goofy-themed beatdown and putting up with my tardiness.

  • SPORTSman Paradise VQ – from Superfun(d)

    YHC showed up at 4:55 to be the first one at his VQ since he usually shows up 2 minutes before to maximize his sleep. All behold, French Horn swoops in right before YHC like he’s preparing for Yankee Jeaux’s final. T-claps for him for his dedication and time he spends with his mentor. While sitting there waiting for more PAX to arrive, a douche wagon pulls up even with me but on the highway, the bald-headed man nonchalantly backs up to the entrance thinking no one is watching. A strong PAX of 12 showed up on this warm humid morning to witness my VQ.

    Warmarama: SSH, Imperial Walkers, Arm Circles (Front and back), Cherry Pickers, Self Love, Grass Grabbers with the clap

    Moseyed to the BB court. YHC jokingly wanted to have his VQ at Schneider Park for home field advantage. The park has the football and baseball field, but a while back, they demolished the tennis/basketball court. So the PAX was going to take a mosey down Chackbay until we found someone’s house to play BB.

    Thang 1: Basketball (Gotcha )
    – Chatter from the PAX(Paradox) murmured that they called it “Put Out” in the North. Well ole friend, this is bayou country, anything south of I-10 is Gotcha, Yankee! Knowing the PAX is very competitive, I made sure that the two basketballs were the same size with exactly 7 PSI each so I would hear no complaining. Once you were out, SSH until the game was over. Winner gets to pick the punishment exercise for the PAX for a 10 count. Knowing the Lions Den always had a double rim, I was waiting for some good laughs. Not thinking that 12 PAX would show up, the game lasted longer than expected. Eventually Paradox battled out Lil Cuz and became the victor. Paradox graciously gave out 10 burpees to the rest of the PAX. There was going to be round 2 but didn’t want to run out of time. Moseyed to baseball field.

    Thang 2: Football (11s)
    – Started with 1 squat, karaoke from the edge of the infield until the outfield fence (switch direction on each round), 10 Bonnie Blairs (2:1) then Nur back. Repeat. Moseyed to home plate.

    Thang 3: Baseball
    – The PAX split into two teams. This exercise was timed. One member at a time would run the bases until they got to home plate, then the second teammate would start and so on. Here’s the catch, each base had its own exercise to complete. 1st base: 10 merkins, 2nd base: 10 BBSU, 3rd base: 10 Toy Soldiers (1:1), then run home to tag next teammate. Team 1 would go first while Team 2 would plank the whole duration then vice versa. Team 1 edged out Team 2 with a time of 5:11 to 5:38. Team 2 graciously gave Team 1 15 burpees while they effortlessly did 15 imperial walkers. Moseyed back.

    COT and Goose prayed us out. Thank y’all for coming out to support my VQ. The fitness, fellowship, and faith is powerful in our group, and I greatly appreciate the F3 Thib PAX.

    Until next year,
    Superfun(d)

  • We Did This to Ourselves – from Yankee Joe

    This past Saturday during Goose’s ‘Ha-quartermile-matata’ beatdown, YHC expected football games and shenanigans in five-yard increments. Instead, he experienced a darkness, nay a hopelessness that hadn’t been seen since Paradox’s “Teamwork Gumbo- Add Burpees to Taste” beatdown back in August.

    Cardinal described the experience perfectly, moving through the range of emotions from hope to confusion to darkness to disgust with Goose to owning the pain. During a similar past experience, Enron had simply asked Goose, “Who hurt you?” Wet Tap provided the pivotal insight we all needed by describing Goose’s rebirth and remaking each spring. The explanation stirs images crossing between that scene in Alien and a large bald bird in the process of molting. In fact, molting simply means shedding old feathers, hair, skin, etc. to make room for growth. I suppose in this case, the hair never grew back.

    It is in this mindset that YHC considered Monday’s beatdown. He was very fortunate to have his cousin, Mullet, DR’ing from The Branch AO in Houston, so of course, the pressure was on. With 60 degrees and nine PAX, we delved into some over-active recovery mixed with some festive tunes to celebrate Mardi Gras and the onset of the Lenten season.

    ————————————–
    Waramarama was normal in both exercises and YHC’s odd struggle with remembering the order of cadence. This only opened a huge, massive, enormous door for Paradox and Enron mumblechatter. Like sharks to blood in the water. No mercy.

    We covered a lot of ground, the most important of which included deep wisdom from Homer. No, not that Homer. Homer HIgh School…Alma Mater of our very own Paradox…home of the mighty Pelicans and the recipients of an impressive Google review of 3.4 out of 5.0 on their website. It’s nice Clark. Real niiice. (I’m not even sure he went there, but who cares, right?)

    We finished with throw me somethin’ mistas and after watching Montana’s shimmying, YHC was forced to accept that the beatdown was already off the rails. The rest of the mernin’ would run in similar fashion. Like a middle school boy, who during the first hour of an 8-hour field trip, tried to be funny and rip ass on one of his friends. However, he got far more than he bargained for. There are no bathrooms to be found on a bluebird school bus. There are no bathrooms to be found at Lake Kissimmee State Park visiting the pioneer cabins. So all a fourth grade Joe can do is walk bowlegged and hope for the best. YHC has never been caught without doo doo pills for any trip longer than 30 minutes since.

    ———————————-
    Warm-up song – Mardi Gras Mambo
    – Shoulder taps for duration of the song
    – Merkin on “Mardi Gras” and “mambo”
    – 49 merkins

    Mumblechatter decreased significantly, but the PAX’ confidence was still a bit too high. Based on some observations from this past Saturday, YHC saw things that he couldn’t unsee. What was so repulsive? GABF or Generally Accepted Burpee Form. We needed to get back to basics, so we deconstructed the burpee mechanics. YHC felt something sting on the back of his neck…was it Cardinal staring daggers?

    Thang 1: Breaking The Pax Down
    Deconstructed burpees (55 squats; 55 groiners; 55 merks, 100 yds bearcrawl)

    – 10 squats
    – 10 groiners
    – 10 merkins
    – Bear crawl to next marker
    (Decrease by 1 each rep until 1 each)
    – Finish with 10 burpees

    ———————————–
    The problem according to Goose – as he told YHC this past Saturday – is that “you’re weak.” Maybe even lazy. The only way to fix this affliction is through our good friend, Dora. To be honest, she’s a bit of a hack. Map and Backpack do all the heavy lifting. And now that I think about it, Swiper reminds me of Paradox. Paradox, stop doctoring. Paradox, stop doctoring. YHC asked if there were any questions. Enron responded with something, it was not fully audible. I don’t think it was a shout out.

    Thang 2: Lazy Doras

    Partner up. Partners perform 200 Merkins, 400 squats, & 600 LBCs as a team. Here’s the catch…no running.

    – P1 starts with 20 Merkins while P2 elbow planks, then switch. Continue switching between Merkins and plank until 100 total Merkins reached.

    – P1 does 40 squats, P2 performs Al Gore until P1 is finished, then switch. Continue switching until all 400 squats are completed.

    – P1 does 60 LBCs while P2 does 6″ leg hold, then switch. Continue switching until 600 total LBCs are completed.

    We barely finished the second round of squats. It is probably for the best. Had the Form Police been at the scene one set of PAX would have been hauled off to jail. In retrospect, based on their Juvenile interpretive dancing, Cardinal, Tana, and Lil’ Cuz almost backed their thangs up into purgatory.

    As you can imagine, YHC had to say something. As you can imagine Lil’ Cuz and Cardinal tore YHC to shreds. It got ugly, but not as ugly as watching Tana’s Al Gore pose from the backside.

    On a brighter note, Paradiddle is a straight up beast. He barely broke a sweat during Goose’s PMS beatdown and this morning, hung out in Al Gore, but the hard way with legs splayed wide and toes pointed out. In some circles, this is called the goddess squat and it makes Al Gore feel like a comfy heated toilet seat.

    YHC called time with five minutes remaining and shifted to our close out song.

    Mary Song – Hey Pocky A-Way (The Meters)

    – Hold elbow plank for duration of song
    – Pickle pounder on every “way” or “hey”
    – 66 pickle pounders

    The chatter subsided and the badassery resumed.

    COT and Lil’ Cuz prayed us out.

    Don’t let the snark fool you. We all love and are exceedingly grateful for the molting process.

  • Ha-quartermile-matata – from Goose

    It was a frigid morning as YHC pulled in much earlier than normal due to a lack of 2.0’s and the need to place a marker board by the track without being seen. I didn’t want the PAX to see it before it was time–no need to ruin a beautiful morning sooner than necessary. YHC expected to sit in a warm truck for at least a few minutes before Paradox would inevitably break the solitude with the beginnings of a solid hour of chatter. But, not this morning–Smooth Operator pulled in just a few seconds behind YHC with two young 2.0’s in a blanketed wagon. Jack Be Nimble and Tractor jumped out into the frigid morning ready to rock, showing the same joyful readiness as big Smooth. As more PAX rolled in (including Major Brat!), there was still no sign of Paradox, and YHC began to wonder if he had slipped in an announcement of being out of town at the end of Thursday’s beatdown (brain function tends to leak out with the steam coming off YHC’s head). But, he pulled in with two minutes to spare and Enron right behind him looking like he wanted to fight–Enron was smiling, but road rage was in his eyes as it seemed the usual competitive jostling had started on the way to the beatdown.

    The much needed warmup began with the usuals plus some Willie Mays Hayes for the cold, tight lower backs. Then, we moseyed to the track/field to reveal contents of the board. The Quarter Mile Ladder was the title under which was written a list of exercises. At first, the PAX thought we’d have an enjoyable opportunity to log some miles and some quality time, assuming that we were going to be doing one exercise at a time with a leisurely lap between each. Wouldn’t that be nice. For our wives.

    No, that’s not how a ladder works. We’d start with the first exercise, 5 burpees, followed by a lap (quarter mile), then add the next, so 5 burpees and 10 merkins, followed by a lap. Then, 5 burpees, 10 merkins, and 15 lunges (2:1) followed by a lap, ultimately working our way up to 10 total exercises followed by a tenth lap. Here’s the list:
    5 burpees
    10 merkins
    15 lunges (2:1)
    20 mountain climbers (2:1)
    25 Freddy Mercs
    30 squats
    35 Peter Parkers (1:1)
    40 Big Boy Situps
    45 Side Straddle Hops
    50 Shoulder Taps (1:1)

    When YHC saw Paradiddle pull in (on Bourg time), I knew this one would be right up his alley, so I was happy to sidle up next to him on the first lap and stay in pace for the duration. Running seems as easy as breathing for him, so YHC knew I’d be pushed but also be distracted from the drudgery by some solid conversation. It was clear that many of the PAX had entered a dark place after the first lap or so, so YHC suggested pacing with a partner, which seemed to give a few guys a shot in the arm. But, nothing could’ve boosted the morale more effectively than a spontaneous serenade from Tractor. Smooth had been hauling the two boys around the track in the luxury wagon for about 30 minutes to a constant stream of encouraging/shaming shouts of “Come on, Dad! You can do it! Push harder! COME ON! You’re taking forever! What’s wrong with you?” And, while waiting for super-dad to finish his Peter Parkers, Tractor started belting out “Hakuna Matata” (or something close enough to that), and the cute innocence combined with the irony of hearing a bunch of grown men singing along, “it means no worries…” as they fought for breath and poured their sweat (and blood–Paradox) into the track, deeply dreading the next lap, couldn’t have been more perfectly timed. It was incredible, and it likely kept a number of the guys from spiraling into a deep, dark solitude.
    YHC was initially worried about finishing too early, but instead found that I was yearning for 7:30 to provide sweet relief. It seemed, however, that the ladder was crafted a little too perfectly, and YHC rolled into the last turn with nothing left in the tank and seconds left on the clock. The rest of the PAX came flying in and collapsed, breathless but grateful to have finished what looked at first to be an extremely unattractive exercise routine.

    The brotherhood, as we slow moseyed back to the flag carrying layers of clothing, was deeply felt, wrought by a unique experience of mutual suffering on a cold but beautiful morning. Providentially, this was also the morning Yankee Joe thought to bring the fixings of a solid coffeeteria, so we were gratefully able to remain in it for a while after COT. Even YHC partook of the enslaving brew, raising an insulated cup to this awesome fraternity forged in the fires of pain, humility, gratitude, and accomplishment.

    Announcements included some ideas for an amazing Northshore convergence in April–stay tuned for more details, but we’re definitely gonna clown car up there for it if the date works.

    Thanks, again, for the push and the camaraderie this morning, fellas!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • 90s Kid – from Paradox

    The years 1990 to 2000 saw YHC grow from age 2 to 12. These were the meat and potatoes of my childhood , which places me for better or worse, solidly in the realm of a 90s kid. You would be correct in thinking that going from diapers to scamming knockoff Surge cans on the verge of Y2K is quite a formative leap. Yet just as Yankee Joe describes his LSD years in the 80s, I still find the vibe of the 90s hard to describe. Grunge rock, beany babies , JNCO jeans, TGIF, asking your parents why Bill Clinton always looks nervous on TV…A weird time to be sure. Just a certain feel you get when looking back with those nostalgia glasses on ya know? But is there a better way to distill the essence of a time period than a 45 minute peer led outdoor men’s workout ???

    No says I!

    Roll the footage Duke !!

    7 PAX strolled into the Lions Den unknowingly about to be blindsided by a dump truck of 90s nostalgia.

    WarmUp
    The usuals plus some “throw me something misters “ to help us with his PTSD from Sundays Shaka parade. I know those weren’t “little chocolates” on that necklace Tana but we’ll get through this together. YHC thought the chatter was …dare I say ..absent. Leading to self reflection that I must be the chatter problem . Fortunately I stood corrected shortly after I Added some experimental Tae Baos to prep the pax for the 90s theme and well …let’s check the chatter comment section:

    Goose : Dumbest thing you have ever done
    Enron: please never again
    Cuz: why did he say vhs/dvd ?
    Cardinal : I’m just going to pray Billy Blanks doesn’t see this blast
    YJ : this is a disgrace to the 90s
    Smooth: I’m silently thinking this is less than optimal. Should have Rucked 17 miles instead.

    Ahhh that’s better, now I feel at home

    5 star reviews across the board !

    Long Run Cajun Mosey to Bball court where we discussed the definition of a 90s kid and learned about financial advisor blood feuds.

    We started our 90s tribute with the eras Greatest dance craze mixed with the inventor of the internet.

    “Macarena” by Los del Rios
    Al gore while doing the Macarena.
    Squat on Macarena
    Bobby Hurley 360 jump on Hey Macarena.

    Goose gave us the official dance and Enron has clearly been using those Valentine’s Day dance lessons and was displaying some unusual coordination. lil cuz on the other hand looked like he had a high dose muscle relaxer on an empty stomach but the effort was there.

    Thang 1

    Blockbuster Trivia
    Always be kind and rewind

    Was there anything more 90s than walking into a blockbuster and having the entertainment world at your fingertips. The very foundations of my negotiating skills were laid down when my parents said we get 1 rental …between 4 kids. To honor this forgotten institution and the treasure trove of 90s entertainment YHC mixed some backwards exercises with high risk trivia . Really felt the chatter love crank up here as questions were scrutinized and unruly pax were simply asked to get stronger or leave. We depended heavily on our elder statesmen team of YJ and goose to go 7/10 on trivia . Well done , questions below for the fartsackers.

    If correct sprint/nur full court
    If incorrect bear crawl/crawl bear half court. Followed by exercise.

    1. What year did Forest gump come out? 1994
    20/40 merkins

    2 . What was the highest grossing film of the 90s?
    Titanic
    30/60 Flutter Kicks (2 is 1)

    3. 1997 film with with John malcovich , Nicolas cage, John cusak – Con Air – 10/20 7/14 Airplanes

    4. Which popular 90s child star voiced Simba in the Lion King- Jonathan Taylor Thomas . 40/80 Mountain climbers
    5. How old was Notorious BIG, aka biggie smalls when he was murdered? 24 – 12/24 merkins
    6. Mcauley Caulkin became the first child start to make $1million in this 90s classic ?
    My Girl
    10/20 Carolina dry docks

    7. The tamagotchi angel was one of the highest selling toys of the 90s. Tamagotchi is a japanese combination of what two words?
    Egg and Friend

    10/20 Aussie Sweat Angles

    8. How many champions chips did the bulls win in the 90s?
    10 burpees if correct , 20 if wrong

    9. The USA men’s basketball team known as the dream team won the Olympics in what year ?
    1992

    10. Minimum wage for 7 of the 10 years of the 90s was?
    $4.25
    4 corners 10/ wide, Reg, ranger , diamond Merkin . (20 if wrong )

    The Buddy System

    If anything was drilled into my 90s childhood brain more than quicksand rescue it was the use of the buddy system. From scouting trips to summer camp , the buddy system was the fool proof method to survive life’s harrowing adventures. Well if it ain’t broke, YHC won’t fix it !

    The Buddy System
    Rules :
    Partner Up
    Sprint length of the court together and in flora format complete 90 of exercise (up to you as a team to divide according to your strength) , sprint back and plank up in order and present your buddy alive and well.

    I think this can be a regular occurrence but ran low on time for extra rounds.
    YJ and Goose took first place and continue to rep our north 40 club with grace and advanced cardio.

    The Final Boss

    YHC spent large portions of the 90s conquering Nintendo villains and preparing for life’s final bosses. YHC took a moment to prepare the PAX that we were going to a dark place called 90s one hit wonders. We would need to draw on a deep well of courage to slay this particular one hit wonder dragon. The pax gladiators stood ready …Then YHC opened the gate and JBL unleashed …

    1997’s ultra one hit wonder Hansons “Mmmm Bop
    Burpees on all versions of “bop, dop, pop” , IW on rest.

    Mosey/Sprint back to Aslan(d)
    COT and Goose prayed us out

    In the summer of 1997 I was tasked to complete a summer writing project with the assignment of “ an adventure story”. As you would guess I wasn’t in love with the idea of being pulled away from the OJ trial to do busy work. Buttt against my will I discovered I didn’t mind writing and YHC cranked out the manuscript for “Danger Island “ (killer title right? Well, I was 9 so check yourself)

    It was a classic thrill ride adventure of a boy and his friends in a dark cave battling a mysterious large reptile that picked them off one by one. In the end , it was only defeated by combining their brains and brawn!

    Were agents blowing up the house phone with book deals? Strangely, no.
    Did it look eerily similar to the plot of the 1997 hit Anaconda ? Yes. Yes it did. But let’s focus on what’s important here.

    While reminiscing about my childhood in the 90s and the novella that was Danger Island I could see parallels in life then and now.

    I’ll tell you truth men, most days I’m still standing in that gloom filled cave.

    Knowing the darkness is ever present .

    Knowing that reptile is still prowling and seeking our ruin.

    Knowing it’s Impossible to defeat alone.

    But also knowing the only way out is together, by following our one true source of Light.

    We are tasked to be the Light of the world and F3 helps remind me that we can always shine a little brighter when we know there are others ready to stand beside us in the darkness.

    It was privilege to lead.

    SYITG
    PDox