F3 New Orleans

Tag: Cardinal

  • Prost! An Oktoberfest Origin Story – from Yankee Joe

    The year is 1976. A piercing cry breaks through the pre-dawn gloom of the small hamlet in West Germany.

    “Nein, Frau Best, it’s ok… he’s supposed to look like that…”

    After several hours of counseling and education that you cannot “trade in” a baby, the young mother finally concedes. She brings the youngling home, hoping to place him in a side show or perhaps a “world’s hairiest baby” contest.

    A few months pass, and (as per German tradition) the infant is abandoned in the Black Forest with only a six-pack of Bitburger Pils.
    The memories of that youngling’s first year of life in that forest, memories only of beer, bears, and pain, fueled this morning’s beatdown. . .

    SSH
    Windmills
    Imperial Walkers
    Toy soldiers
    Arm circles
    Cherry pickers
    Butt kicks
    High knees
    Self love

    Mosey to the truck to pick up “Brew-pons”.

    Thang 1:
    German Volumetric Training (or YHC’s bastardization if it)
    10 exercises, 10 reps each. All Merkins, all the time
    In some particular order:
    Fingertip Merkins
    Diamond Merkins
    Crucible Merkins
    Sphinx Merkins (2=1)
    Man maker Merkins (2=1)
    Knurkins
    Creature Merkins (2=1)
    Superman Merkins
    Derkins
    Merkins

    (Aside: a German Merkin is a Gherkin, which is a small pickle. Nobody wants that.)

    Goose absolutely killed this, figuring out where the Merkin stations were as well as physically destroying the reps.
    YHC forgot where station 2 was, and self penalized himself with an extra set of Diamond merkins.
    And there was much grunting.

    Thang 1.5:
    Bear Crawl to Berlin. And back.
    Smooth Operator displayed superhuman ability here. Defying physics, he somehow bear-crawled downhill while on level ground.

    Thang 2:
    Make it Stop: Oktoberfest

    We began with WWIII sit-ups while German-language or German-centric songs play. Anyone who can identify the song, Artist, album, or year released, gets to change the exercise.
    Goose showed unprecedented music prowess by nailing both “Major Tom” and “Rock Me Amadeus” correctly (in spite of YHC erroneously thinking it was simply called “Amadeus”).
    Honeysuckle, the usual ringer for music knowledge, displayed his patriotism here by refusing to identity any of die Musik.
    Also, apparently every popular German language song was released in 1983. And who knew Lou Bega was from Munich?

    (Paradiddle’s contribution during this phase of the beatdown, while significant, consisted solely of gas and giggles.)

    Final Thang: Stein hold

    Brewpons are held out at chest level, Bruce Lee-style, emulating the traditional Oktoberfest Steinholding competition.
    ‘Lil Cuz won, reinforcing his steadfast love for his brewpon.

    GG to Paradiddle for reasons obvious to all.

    Brewpons to go.

    Cardinal prayed us out.

    Epilogue:

    The youngling, nourished on hops and barley, and fortified by merkins, emerges from the depths of the forest.
    Bear-crawling a few meters further, it rises up on its now-ample haunches, howling, “Ich bin Deuchlands Besten!”

  • Better together – from Safety Valve

    Today was the day. IPC week 3 on a Saturday morning at the Peltch. On paper it seemed a daunting task. But that’s just life isn’t it. Sometimes it’s sweet and a breeze. Sometimes it’s tougher than we think we can deal with and overwhelming. Looking back on challenging times in my own life, in the heat of the moment, it seemed as if YHC would never make it through. Now in retrospect, YHC made it through those tough times because of the people that surrounded me. The same can be said about week 3 IPC.

    After a short mosey to the tennis court at the Peltch, and some mild confusion for Diddle, we began.

    Warmaramma
    Side straddle hops
    Imperial walkers
    Mountain climbers
    High knees
    Butt kicks
    Arm circles forward
    Arm circles backward
    Cherry pickers

    The Thang

    Round 1
    10 merkins
    15 thrusters
    20 merkins
    25 thrusters
    30 merkins

    400 meter run

    Round 2
    10 thrusters
    15 v ups
    20 thrusters
    25 v ups
    30 thrusters

    400 meter run

    Round 3
    10 v ups
    15 jungle bois
    20 v ups
    25 jungle bois
    30 v ups

    400 meter run

    Round 4
    10 jungle bois
    15 blockees
    20 jungle bois
    25 blockees
    30 jungle bois

    400 meter run

    Round 5
    10 blockees
    15 Merkins
    20 blockees
    25 merkins
    30 blockees

    400 meter run

    When time was called at the usual 7:30, three of the pax finished in the 45 minute window. Big shout out to Diddle, pope and goose. The rest of the pax were struggling somewhere in round 5, inevitably working through the never ending blockees. YHC felt like anything beyond round 3 would be impressive. This group blew it out of the water. Yankee Jeaux kept us on pace and every time we saw him hold back that vomit, it was more motivation to keep going.

    At the end of it all, Cardinal showed up in the most glorious way… with coffee and donuts. Even with a thumb out of commission, he couldn’t resist the F3 fellowship. He seemed very upset about missing out on the 100 reps of thrusters. So blessed to have a post IPC hang out and refreshment time.

    We circled up, offered prayers to those in need, Cardinal prayed us out and we dug into the donuts and coffee.

    Back to the tough times in life YHC eluded to earlier… Before starting on this F3 journey merely 50 days ago, YHC would have never thought of doing 100 merkins. That would have seemed ridiculous, let alone 100 thrusters with a cinder block. Now it seems nothing but normal for a Saturday morning. I owe this change and higher mental strength to the F3 Thibodaux PAX. When these workouts seem unfathomable, we look to the guy to the left and right that are going through the same pain. It’s the only motivation that’s needed. So, when life gets tough and seems impossible, surround yourselves with good people. Look to your right and left, they will get you through whatever hell is happening. Tough times will never last and life will be sweet again.

  • Why not run – from Safety Valve

    We were 5 PAX strong on a beautiful Tuesday Tuff morning. On arrival, my eyes went to one thing. Animal had returned. Buried under multiple piles of theology and philosophy books, it emerged to be donned on someone else. We wait and see who would be worthy…

    Warmaramma
    SSH
    Imperial walkers
    Mountain climbers
    Willie Mays Hayes
    Windmills
    Arm circles – forward and back ward

    This is when it fell to pieces. The groupme message that changed the world. Paradiddle wasn’t going to make it. The wall of smoke on Highway 311 was to great even for the winner of IPC week 2. Props for waking up and driving farther than all of us to better yourself. We never have to look far for inspiration.

    Thang 1
    Battan death March – 1 mile single file Indian style running around Rich mans loop with the last man having to drop and do 5 burpees before sprinting to catch up with the PAX. With just the 5 Amigos it meant most took 2-3 turns on burpees, but this group was up to the challenge.

    Thang 2
    To the dismay of most and the “Okay” of Smooth, the PAX continued with another mile of running rich man’s loop. At every other light pole we stopped for a 90 second AMRAP. First light pole stop was merkins, second were squats, third were flutter kicks. Americas Best enjoyed the latter the most as with every flutter kick came a flutter fart. He seemed swifter after the first round. This continued the entire mile with alternating running and nurring between stops. YHC pushed the PAX to at least match or beat their previous number of excercises completed on the first AMRAP. Enron beasted up and beat his first numbers at every other stop. Finished at the stage with 6 minutes left on the clock.

    Thang 3
    7s – done at the stage with merkins and jump squats.

    Mary involved 1 minute of holding six inches.

    CoT – announcements were made… We confirmed that Pope definitely wasn’t kidnapped and was probably still sleeping in his bed… Animal was given to the swim team prodigy of Shreveport, Enron for pushing to beat his AMRAP number again and again, prayers were raised for all the mommas and babies, cardinal prayed us out for another one in the books. Thank you gentleman, for waking up and showing up with me.

  • “Okay” – from Goose

    YHC had already hinted to the PAX that there might be some running today, but they showed up anyway. It clearly goes to show that these fellas value the brotherhood and the shared experience of pain more than they want to avoid the grind. It was great to see a packed parking lot when we pulled up!
    After a much needed warmup that was quieter than normal without Poox, YHC intro’d the BDE Burpee mile, a solid prep for Saturday. Most had not yet watched the pre-blast video, so the burpee combined with a Goosie was a bit jarring. Smooth’s consistent “Okay” was joined by a few other “Yeah, alright”s. The plan was to run the mile loop stopping at every quarter for three BDE Burpees. (What does BDE stand for? Suburban dictionary says: “Busy Day Everyday” with a coffee cup emoji. Not sure how that applies here.) At every stop, the PAX would wait for the six by doing core exercises until they arrived: 1st was flutter kicks, 2nd was LBC’s, 3rd was Freddy’s, and 4th was Big Boys. Impressively, there wasn’t much waiting, even though one or two of the guys had been out for a while, and though BDE burpees are complicated, they got done smoothly enough.
    Paradiddle and Tana busted it for the last quarter mile, but YHC hung back a little with Enron–the Q knew what was to come. And, what was to come after the last set of BDE Burpees was another BDE mile, this time with merkins. And, again, we got a solid “Okay” from Smooth and similar responses from the rest. YHC knew that many of these dudes were more gassed than they wanted to be and were just grateful that the running was over, but there was no grunts of exasperation or moans of self-pity to be heard. And, though it took a few more flutters and Freddys for Seal Team 6 to pull into each stop, it was clear that they and the rest of this crew were here for it this morning, come what may. Even Dumbledore, who quietly sprained his ankle at the start of the second mile, stayed back and did BDE merkins until we returned instead of just rolling out like many others might.
    The 3 BDE Merkins (merkin + Peter-Parker leg left + merkin + Peter Parke leg right + merkin = 1) at each stop had the pecs a little warm, but not burnt, so with the last 7 minutes, burn them we did.
    The song was “Running on Empty” by Jackson Brown (Honeysuckle = consistency), and we were in plank formation (or something like that) for the duration with merkins for every “running”. The concrete was well moistened by the end, and YHC asked if anyone could guess how long the song was. Enron quickly shouted “4:47!” The song was 4:50 long. Did he time it on his watch? No, that would be ridiculous and pointless. So, YHC can only conclude that he has assistants at home with computers and headsets listening to the mics he’s got planted around the AO and ready to research any question that might be offered by a Q and whisper an answer into his earpiece (along with funny name suggestions for FNG’s). French Horn and Honeysuckle clearly use the same method during trivia beatdowns. Cardinal is looking into it.
    The two minutes remaining were filled with Crunchy Frogs and Wife Pleasers. COT, hype for Honeysuckle’s VQ Thursday, prayer intentions, and Popeye prayed us out. Proud to be a part of this crew.
    SYITG,
    Goose
    P.S. It was only after YHC got home that I remembered that BDE merkins are all Hand-release. Oh, well. We’ll just have to wait till Saturday to get shredded again.

  • Curling/special teams beatdown – from Smooth Operator

    Cardinal
    Goose
    Pope
    Dilly
    Tana
    Diddle
    Smooth Operator

    Last night seeing all the anti commits had me a little nervous about turnout. The fact that they were coupled with all the where were you stories for 9/11 where really cool and shows the diversity and different life experiences of this wonderful group. F3 is as much a support group and writing club as much as it is a fitness group and I am very happy to be a part of it.

    YHC was showed up to the Stage at 0455 after working a night shift. I was not expecting much of a turn out but knew I could count on Goose and Pope to show up to put in some work. Goose and Pope showed up around 0510 along with Cardinal and Tana. Dilly and Diddle showed up right before and during Warmarama. YHC was thrilled to see 7 PAX members ready to partake in some group suffering.

    Struggle bus for warmarama
    Due to sleep shortage, YHC struggled with cadence and a couple times just forgot I was supposed to be counting. Goose tried to help but to no avail. But I guess it’s the effort that counts.

    SSH
    Windmills
    Imperial walkers
    Arm circles
    Cherry pickers
    Mountain climbers
    Coupon curb mosey

    Today we will be doing a little shared suffering to honor the 2996 lives lost on September 11 2001. Just to help y’all feel young I was in the 3rd grade and had no idea what was going on. Today for our 10 counts you will be asked your where were you short story for 9/11.

    Thang 1
    Using a basketball we will throw or roll the ball down the street and we will be downing it similar to a punt coverage team in football or the wonderful winter Olympic sport of curling. If the ball goes off the concrete and into the grass we will be doing 10 burpees. Our mode of transport will be sprinting. Whenever we recover the ball we will be doing 5 Chuck Norris merkins. We will be going to the rich man loop dead end. This went surprisingly good. We managed to make it to the dead end only doing burpees once or twice. We probably did 40 to 50 Chuck Norris merkins.

    Thang 2
    We did a round of 7’s
    gossees on one side and American hammers 2 is 1 on the other and bear crawls were mode of transport. This one worked well and we got through it pretty easily. After Pope gave us a riveting story on how he was never thought of yet for 9/11.

    Back to Thang 1 with a twist

    Basketball game with grass penalty of 10 WW2 merkins, mode of transport is karaoke switching after every downing. 5 Bobby Hurley were the recovery exercise. We did this to the dead end near 3/4 mile mark on rich man loop. We went ahead and did one or two sets of world war sit ups due to a couple unforgiving curves in the road.The question was brought up which sit ups were we supposed to do. YHC honestly forgot there was a difference and was not overly concerned which exercise was performed.

    Thang 3
    Once we made it to the dead end we went ahead and set up to do some concrete crack suicides with a merkin performed each time you hit your starting point. The PAX ended up making it to the stop sign and probably did 10 sprints. After Goose gave us his story on where he was on 9/11. He was at LSU and watched the first tower fall realizing he had just watched thousands of people die. Went to class and got a text saying the second tower fell.

    Back to thang 1
    We played basketball game with American hammers 2 is 1 10 count as grass penalty. We sprinted as mode of transport. Recovery exercises was 5 Apollo unos. End point was supposed to be coupon curb dead end but due to 0600 approaching quickly we headed to the flag.

    Thang 4
    After we got back to the flag at 0555, YHC and Diddle set up the burrito and sent us out with Alan Jackson’s Where we’re you when the world stopped turning. The Pax would be changing levels on Al gore from low middle to high squat position. We would be changing levels on the breaks in the lyrics. This was tough and it carried us into 0600.

    Announcement revealed Goose has tomorrows Q. Honeysuckle VQ will be Thursday at the lions den. Saturday will be IPC. If you have been away for a while and still read back blast, this is as good a week as any to get back in the mix.

    Intentions were for all the babies and mommas in our community and Tana prayed us out.

    Thanks to all who came out and made this beatdown memorable.
    SYITG Smooth Operator

  • IPC: It’s Pure Crud, By Coyote – from Goose

    Today was the worst day of my life, I had to fly like a squirrel, I had to fight in World War 3, I couldn’t cheat with my Merkins, I had a fight with this jerk named Jillian Michaels, and every five minutes this voice came out of nowhere and told me to either Lunge walk, murder my bunny, or carry my rifle. It was a nightmare in the morning! If you sit down and get your popcorn, I’ll tell you the whole story….
     
                It was dark and crisp as YHC unloaded the killer material that YHC was forced to inflict on such innocent men!  After a few quick warmups, and YHC led the mosey to the field by Bayou Road. After a few brief introductions, we started the 45-minute timer of death. As we started, YHC looked around and saw that it was clear that some of the Pax would not make it through all this. But some of us managed to get to round two without the 5-minute timer interrupting our progress. YHC saw Yankee Joe and thought he was going to puke! A few even ripped their shirts off to beat the heat. Everyone hated the random voice that told us to walk in a really weird way. We were talking about the voice and how it didn’t compliment or encourage us until the very end, when it gave us a wimpy “Great job.” 
     
                In the end, we all survived, it was exhausting to even say our nicknames. We all loaded up the coupons, two smashed to pieces.
     
                And blam! That’s the story of how F3 Thibodaux survived the Execution of IPC, Week 1.

  • IronPax Week Zero – from Paradox

    You are gazing upon the happenings of Thibodaux, La on the morning of Sept 2 and there are many sights to behold. In the deep gloom near Peltier park several athletes push their bodies to the max in an annual event meant to find the limits of cardiovascular and psychological endurance. It comes every fall and like cool weather and Friday night football it signals the changing of seasons. That event is known as the ED White Cross Country meet.
    ….
    Now take your telescoping lens and scooch it over just a hair ..adjust the mean age by 17 years , sprinkle in wisdom and wrap it in grit and tenacity. Remove the cheering family and substitute with dual connect JBLs. There, there you are, just right. Now you have it.
    Can you see 15 pax surrounded by coupons and encircling the shovel flag prepared to face IPC week zero?

    IPC is finally here!!

    here’s how week zero took place on da bayou.

    Duke! Roll the footage and wake me up when September ends!

    Warmups
    After a week of prep with some finely tuned beatdowns, YHC wanted to add an extra layer of lather and injury protection before we put the pedal all the way to floor so we had round 1 of warmups at the flag with Seal Jacks , IW , Arm circles , CP, Self love , High knees , Butt kicks.
    The pax were loose and ready to dive in as we coupon moseyed to the ThunderDome for the main event.

    The Thang

    It’s taken YHC a few years to decode our QIC Gooses love language but most days I can translate it well. A few examples : “Your shorts are too short” really means “I’m shopping for shorter shorts tonight because they highlight your quads”. And “Those High Knee Arm circles are the dumbest thing in the known universe” really means “that’s an effective and thorough warmup Dox and I think you are swell”
    Of course this takes years of verbal battery to acquire but here I am better for it.
    So when YHC unveiled a 7 foot particle board sign with todays week zero instructions and Goose simply said “I wish it was taller” then I really knew he was saying “I’m overwhelmed by its magnificence and only a sonnet would suffice for praise”
    Fair enough my friend but I know how you really feel.
    YHC gave a quick rundown and we got to the work below:

    Start the timer
    Warmup
    13 reps
    SSH- IW-MC-ST-PJ

    800 meter run

    Then 85 Reps of each followed by 8 burpees after each round of :

    HR merkins
    BBSU
    Dips
    Goblet Squats
    Coupon OHP
    4 count flutter kicks
    KB swings

    800 meter run

    The Iron PaxCenter Top Plays
    Brought to you by CoolJabs :

    As most IPCs go when the whistle blows the vision tends to get hazy. Week zero was no exception and although YHC teetered somewhere between blurred vision and syncope for the duration these were the observations.

    -The pax got off to a nice start on the 800 meter with DiddleGoose (don’t google this ) upfront amd Pope as the pace car and the second wave of pax keeping a conservative pace just behind.

    – Turns out America’s Beast is an actual Virginian grizzly bear. Some think he began the transformation during Popes halo bear crawl of death. Whenever it was I’m here to tell you The BearMan was rolling with good form early with the HR merkins and YHC found inspiration in his intermittent bear grunts. If only we had a shirt for this occasion.
    – The 2.0s provided both stern form advice (Duke) and light hearted banter (Coyote) along with the watchful eye from our wagon EMT (Jack B Nimble)
    – Team JBL reassured the pax of high performance audio after a shaky week. Tuesday we were upstaged by a younger and more beautiful turtle box and Thursday JBL flip 6 (our brother formerly from OLOPs) provided some questionable connection. So Diddles JBL Burrito saved face and YHC did my best DJing to keep the pax spirits high. If some one doesn’t show up at my funeral and play Turn Down for What I’ll be a tad disappointed.
    – Dumbledore was performing coupon goblet squats so perfect and so deep I had to stop mid beatdown and write Crayola a letter via owl from the Hogwarts school of Glute and Quads. Well done Dore.
    – The goblet squats were a gut check for us all and it was no surprise they brought out Smooths best . He was hammering them 10 at a time and there was no quit as the Clydesdale awoke in him.
    – Great to have LOX back with us today! bringing in the summer magic and getting a good break from reading all those rich mohagney seminary books.
    – Gi Joe brought a steely performance amd YHC kept seeing him hit a wall, take a breath and break through to the next set. Well on his way to bring the fittest GI Doc in the state.
    – Overall this crew stood their ground through some ridiculously high reps and stayed in the fight till we hit 7:30 and circled up. T-claps indeed.

    COT and Goose prayed us out

    Grateful to lead men
    Keep hammering

    Moleskin :
    If you’ve attended 1 beatdown or really any social gathering you can usually find the guy in a group who has an internal pressure to hear his own voice. YHC was born with this affliction. So every year when IPC rolls around I find it a nice change of pace (if only brief) to work on battling the inner voice. The one that says 85 reps is stupid and that things are burning and here’s 9000 reasons you should stop. But 1 reason to keep going IS present and part of the iron sharpening process is looking over and seeing the guy next to you fighting that same battle. Each rep, each set, each week we sharpen each other a little more.
    Welcome to September men.

    See you in the Gloom
    Dox

  • “Sweet Summer Rain…” – from Goose

    As the thunder rolled and the lightning struck starting at about 3am, YHC wondered how many more fartsackers would avoid this morning’s romp than the usual Goose-Q checkouts. But, as it strangely does on F3 mornings, the weather let up at around 5:00am, and this morning it eased to a gentle drizzle and some beautiful lightning in the distant sky. YHC couldn’t have ordered it up better, especially after the streak of stifling sizzlers we’ve been enduring for the past month or so.
    After a warmup of the usuals plus some lower back work, we moseyed to the coupon stack to grab a few. YHC stopped by the truck to grab the beautiful, readable marker board that YHC’s M prepared for this morning’s IPC prep, and we set up the easel facing the parking lot, on purpose, so everyone could read it since exercises would be done on the concrete and the grass.
    YHC is a little wary of all the HR merkins, goblet squats, and kettle bell swings that we’re destined to burn out on this coming Saturday morning, so I figured we’d utilize the opportunity to strengthen the same joints we’ll be straining since we’re five days out, enough time to grow some muscle around them.

    The board said:
    15 of each, 10 burpees, then Stop Sign run
    -HR Merkins
    -BB situps
    -Goblet Squats
    -Dips
    -OH Presses
    -Flutter kicks (4-count)
    -Kettle Bell Swings
    -10 Burpees

    And, the grind began. Lil’ Cuz brought an FNG from the far north (round Homer somewhere–newly named Barney Fife), but in my own wet fog, I didn’t see how he managed. Seemed ok at the end, though. The men were unusual quiet as they slogged through it, though YHC was grateful for Paradox’s verbosity, which served as a distraction during the runs. (It was good to have a reason to push, too–can’t have anybody too far ahead of me, and Dox was feeling froggy this morning.). Dumbledore continues to impress as he kept moving despite foggy glasses, and Cardinal stayed right behind us the entire time looking fit in that Carolina blue.

    YHC was grateful for these dudes and their willingness to grind through this wet morning. It’s an experience that’s hard to match, and it changes everything when you’re sharing it with quality men.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • The Jurpee: Live and Deconstructed – from Yankee Joe

    Quick Note:

    Gentlemen, this beatdown was just hard. I appreciate and admire how each of you simply took care of business. Though Q-drenaline is real, I can say that when my tank is empty and my brain is lying to me, all I need to do is look around at the PAX to regain momentum. In my experience, there’s no amount of self discipline or mental toughness that can manufacture that last mile push. This is why the gym membership, by itself, will eventually fail.

    If you have not Q’d a beatdown yet, get on the books. I promise you are READY.

    The Blast
    —————————————–

    Wednesday Night – 6:45 pm

    YHC: “Hey Babe…can you come look at this beatdown design real quick?”

    M: “Sure, I can’t think of anything else that would be a better use of our time while trying to get kids ready for bed.”

    YHC: “I totally agree! Ok…do you think 200 burpees is too much?”

    M: “Honey, we talked about this. You don’t make friends by trying to hurt them.”

    YHC: “C’mon…it’s not like that…the guys will love this stuff.”

    M: “Really? Doesn’t half of F3 Thiboduax go to the same chiropractor?”

    YHC: “Umm. Actually, now that you mention it, yes…yes they do. Hey…do me a favor and don’t mention the Chiropractor thing to Paradox. He gets real sensitive about it.”

    ——————————————-

    Thursday Morning – 6:45 am

    2.0: “Daddy, are you in here? I heard noises like a dinosaur. Why are you on the floor next to the potty”

    YHC: “Hey, sweetheart. Yes, I’m fine. Daddy’s tummy is a little upset.”

    2.0: “Why?”

    YHC: “Daddy did a really hard workout this morning with lots of those burpee things I showed you.”

    2.0: “Why?”

    YHC: “I thought it would be fun.”

    2.0: “It’s not fun to hurt your friends. Did you throw up on Mr. Enron again?”

    YHC: “I did NOT throw up on Mr. Enron. How many times do I have to tell you?”

    —————————————–
    The Inspiration

    We are just mere days away from the best time of the year – The Iron Pax Challenge. The F3 Thibodaux draft class of 2023, as mentioned in prior blasts, has reshaped the PAX into a collective of bad, bad men…or bawzzz as it were – Michelin, French Horn, Michelin, Honeysuckle, America’s Best, Bone Thug, Safety Valve, and Dumbledore. This group of monsters have not experienced IPC’s path-altering power. I’m not sure about Popeye and Paradiddle since they are part of the F3 Thibby OG. Yeah, you know me.

    IPC has a way of changing a man, breaking through and shattering the false ceilings of what he thinks he can or can’t do. Lil’ Cuz and Superfund as FNG’s, were (as Dox eloquently noted) “forged” in the IPC fires. Once a week in September, with pre-blast in hand, each man voluntarily embraces a level of such exertion that chatter simply vanishes and is replaced by venomous snark.

    For those less familiar, I offer the following snapshot from various IPC beatdowns last year.

    —————————————–
    After a few minutes, you’re already in pain. You start becoming confused. You can’t understand how any actual human can do this amount of man-makers (burpees with a coupon). You think back on the F3 Greenwood pre-blast video tutorials. Ben Gay, with a smug smirk, describes the week’s torture like it’s directions for making frozen pizza. He has a few jabronies jump into frame to demonstrate like THREE REPS of the various exercises. You hate their perfect Bonnie Blair form with their stupid pumping arms. You’re like, “C’mon… if I only had to do a few reps, I could bring my ass to the ground like a catcher on a coupon thruster too.” The hate starts to consume you.

    You try not to drop your coupon on Enron’s toes after he comments on your inability to tell time (You’ll get your vengeance during the Skinny Runner IPC, watching him desperately try to use a jump rope). You see Montana waving frantically at the “we’re not worthy” station. Your legs are wet noodles, and you stumble across the field to change the song as BAPS very loudly blares that particularly offensive (and REPEATING) lyric in Rage’s “Killing in the Name.” Why? Because there’s a Family Fun Run at the Peltch. Moms are blushing. Kids are crying. Dads are moshing.

    You’re out of breath…there is no side conversation. You see Cardinal toss his coupon 10 yards after each set, disgusted by the very nature of the beatdown design. You think to yourself that there hasn’t been something this awful since the casting tragedy for High King Peter in the Narnia movies. They might as well have cast Jar Jar. At least Jar Jar had a story arc of growth and purpose. King Peter enters the plot as a douche wagon…and well, upgrades to a minivan.

    You look over, marveling at how Goose and Wet Tap can be so far ahead of everyone else…hoping deep down that you’ll catch them executing poor form. You hear ‘Lil Cuz lament that he should have taken the glove recommendation seriously, and yet he’s still plowing through with bloody, blistery hands. You know that Paradox typically takes off his shirt when a beatdown starts getting serious…about half way through. This day, you’re horrified to see him lose the shirt, and we’re only five minutes in. Instead of running between exercises, you’re shuffling like a prisoner with ankle cuffs on. It’s like the opening scene in “Saving Private Ryan.” Everything sounds warped like you’re underwater. You think, “ I can’t keep going…not even one more rep. Not one more step.”

    But you’re wrong. You CAN do more reps. And you do them. Then time is called and it’s over. Suddenly, you love everything and everyone. You praise F3 Greenwood for their misunderstood creativity. You spit out endorphin laced Dad jokes and everyone laughs. It’s an emotional and physical rollercoaster. IPC is where YHC turned the corner in F3. I’ve been waiting so patiently. It really is the best time of the year.
    ————————————-

    So….

    The On Ramp

    14 PAX showed up to the Den on a Thursday morning. Today was forecast to set heat index records. By 5:15 am, the heat index was already 90 degrees. The humidity was hovering around 70%. As French Horn would say, “Bruhhhh…it was nastayyy.” Before getting out of the douche wagon, America’s Best presented YHC with his ‘hot off the press’ prescription glasses. This exceptional customer service wouldn’t save him from the morning’s misery, but I did feel a little guilty if that counts for anything. The only other medical professional I’ve known that offers such unparalleled customer satisfaction is a Chiropractor in Raceland. (That noise you’re hearing? Bad words being yelled in Homerican…)

    The PAX seemed oddly quiet. Was it because YHC’s subtle pre-hype about burpees wasn’t so subtle? Was it because they heard YHC talking to Goose about doing Goosey’s (bonnie blair with squat jump) as a MODIFICATION? Perhaps it was because the SV500 tank top club is super elitist and the rest of us felt left out. Who’s to say? With French Horn posting two days in a row, however, James Hetfield would insist nothing else matters.

    Usual warmarama with some extra arm and hamstring stretches, then off to the lighted tennis/pickleball courts where BAPS awaited us with superior sound quality and epic beats.

    Our rev up song was “Call On Me” by Eric Prydz. The PAX would do Burpees on “Call On Me,” recover in between. There were 51 burpee opportunities. At this point, there was still minimal chatter. The pace was fast between burpee triggers. In fact, “Call On Me” are the only words in the song. The men were beasts. YHC was not.

    ————————————-
    The Thang

    For the main event, we put together a deconstructed burpee with some core. The objective was to mimic the AMRAP nature of many IPC beatdowns. YHC would set the clock for 20 minutes and the PAX would complete as many rounds as possible in that time. Following the lead of Ben Gay, YHC demonstrated the various exercises in three-rep increments. The PAX was not pleased to learn that the actual rep count was 20 for each exercise. YHC did his best to soften the misery with a carefully curated EDM playlist.

    The Deconstructed Jurpee – AMRAP rounds for 20 min. (goal of 5 rounds)

    20 medium slow and low squats
    20 groiners
    20 merkins
    20 groiners
    20 jump squats with arms raised
    20 LBC’s
    20 leg raises

    Per usual, I looked across the circle to see Goose, Wet Tap, and Pope breezing through the rounds. Honeysuckle looked almost bored, but sweating profusely, nonetheless. Smooth was grinding as always, shirt off, and knocking out merkins like it was nothin’. Safety Valve continues to impress and looks similar to Paradiddle with his methodical (and dare I say, perfect) form. Cardinal was straight up working! With a focused, stoic expression, he was not shying away from one of the things he hates most in life…the burpee (a close second to misguided telecommunications consumer choices).

    Heck, even Montana’s form wasn’t criminal. All the more impressive considering that a burpee is not really conducive to being 6’ 7.” Every time YHC looked over at Paradox, he just “happened” to be doing leg raises, but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. However, he was the biggest cheerleader of the playlist, which I genuinely appreciate considering I spent 45 minutes trying to find the perfect EDM cover of “Wellerman.”

    ————————————–
    YHC called time and with six minutes left in the beatdown, two options were planned…Mary or another longish song with burpee triggers. It was safe to say that the AMRAP deconstructed burpee had served its purpose. Except for Pope, the rest of us were wet toast. I offered ONLY the latter option to the PAX. I have no doubt that internally, each of us thought it was as dumb an idea as remaking Willow. Lucasfilm, that’s enough. Haven’t you hurt society enough? Audibly though, to a man, all chose death over cake.

    So, burpees for every male chorus response. 53 triggers to be exact. With the Pet Shop Boys reinvigorating our souls, the PAX did four minutes of “Go West” before time was called and we moseyed back to a sullen Aslan. No doubt lamenting his choice of High King.

    COT, the ANIMAL and GiGi tanks were nowhere to be seen, and Goose prayed us out.

    ———————————-

    Have a Cup of Jeaux

    I’m going to leave this here…

    Episodes 1 – 3 should be stricken from the record. Completely. Never happened. Do it again. George Lucas can hang out on set, but he gets zero input on the writing.

    If you don’t know what Episodes 1 – 3 refers to, ignorance is literally bliss. If you liked Episodes 1 – 3, you’re probably High King Peter.

    SYITG,

    Jeaux

  • The 2nd Annual St. Vincent 500 – from Paradox

    THE FELLOWSHIP THANG

    Often times during large events there are pivotal moments that go unnoticed. One minuscule decision where success or failure hinges upon a singular action. Sometimes these remain in the dark. An unsung hero never revealed. Silently knowing the weight of their contribution. But during the 2nd annual St Vincent 500 this very thing occurred and today we shall shed the light.

    Ya see, It was early during the St. Vincent 500 cookout on Friday evening, the music was fine (shoutout Caniacs) and the delicious jambalaya was flowing, courtesy of Headcheese and the Bourgeois Meat Market. Just one small problem,…We …well folks we had a trash issue. In haste YHC had mistakenly grabbed bathroom trash bags to put into 32-gallon trash cans. Ya hate to see it.
    The jambalaya plates were stacking up. The bags stretched thin. Lil Cuz disgusted he could not throw away his plate and immediately eat another and you know how he gets when he’s hungry for JUMBOlaya!
    All seemed lost.

    With the event Teetering on the brink of mass hysteria I heard a low confident voice at my shoulder. A voice molded by years of unheard lectures, it was calm and consoling.
    “Dox, take deep a deep breath, I can fix this”
    I turned and saw it in his eyes, this man was all in.

    “Fly! Fly like the wind Jeaux! You are our only hope!” I yelled as the tires of the douche wagon squealed silently and our knight in the blue Prius faded away on eastbound 308.
    We held our breath ..…

    If you are still with me (and it’s an excused absence if not)
    You may now be asking yourself “What does an eco-friendly sedan and a garbage mishap have to do with the greatest beatdown fundraiser west Lafourche has ever seen?”

    Well…everything

    Duke! Roll that footage it’s time to go racing, and we have a pharmacy in need !!

    26 High impact men assembled at the Stage for the 2nd annual St Vincent 500.
    Our local crew showed up in force early to set the course. Pretty sure Smooth camped out like Woodstock, living on Bourgeois Jambalaya and dat Dawg was STILL hungry for coupon OHPs. Many hands made light work as we counted our pennies and made notes to all our 2.0 investors that their tuppens would be well borrowed. Our brothers from the north and south shores soon arrived. Some early chatter that the noted absences from NOLA were due to late night promo code camp outs for the T-Swift tour. YHC will expect courtesy tickets for …”a friend”

    The Northshore gang rolled in just in time. The legend of Tanked Up had been propelled all year after his awe inspiring performance at the 22 SV. He strolled in trophy in hand with Grundy at his side using the Theragun with precision intimidation to all our pax. Reluctant Yankee and Sandbar came in strong followed by Zoolander with Blue steel good looks even at 6:30a. Just like that it was go time!

    THE FITNESS THANG

    The Stage was set, and Goose was elected as Q for his exemplary public speaking and dashing short shorts. He led us in a thorough race explanation and warmup with side glances at Yankee about to establish a no tolerance policy for shakira shimmy Bonnie Blair’s.

    The race is a 2 man event covering 1 mile with 20 exercise stations interspersed on the course around Richman’s loop. Just a simple fun run ya know.
    You have 1 hour to traverse the course and at each station picking up points as you go.
    There are three levels at each station : gold(25) silver (15) bronze (10) with 500 points available if your dare.

    The stations set by Goose this year and he was in the zoneeee:

    Thrusters: 30, 60, 90
    · Hello Dollys: 50, 100, 150
    · Curls: 50, 150, 250
    · Burpees: 30, 50, 100
    · WWI situps: 40, 100, 150
    · Genuflections: 40, 60, 100
    · Tricep extensions: 50, 150, 250
    · Gas pumps: 40, 80, 120
    · Apolo Onos (2:1): 40, 60, 100
    · Moroccan Night Clubs (2:1): 100, 200, 300
    · Pickle Pounders: 40, 80, 120
    · Monkey humpers (calves to thighs): 40, 100, 200
    · Coupon OHP: 40, 80, 120
    · Leg Raises: 50, 100, 200
    · Bobby Hurleys: 40, 80, 120
    · Chill cut Peter Parkers (2:1): 30, 60, 100
    · Freddy Mercurys (2:1): 50, 150, 250
    · Bonnie Blairs (2:1): 40, 80, 120
    · Partner Dora (bumper)—Suicide, Mission Impossible plank: 2 rounds for each partner (4 rounds total), 4 rounds for each (8 total), 6 rounds for each (12 total); if need to rest on plank, have to tell running partner to pause
    · Partner Dora (grass)—Lunge Walk there, run back; SSH: 200, 300, 400

    We wrapped up the instructions and warmup and there were no more pleasantries to exchange. Time to go racing.
    The horn blew at 7:22a with most functional teams ready to go at their stations and 1-2 dysfunctional relationships lost at sea.

    Team points and observations below (to my best recollection of the points I jotted down and names, if this is incorrect please write your Representative)

    Dox/ Gecko 175
    We came, We saw…We got a lot of pennies.
    Got Gecko on my 1997 Creatine and peanut butter sandwich diet…early favorites for 2033.

    Dumbledore/GIJoe 180
    Classic pairing here of a rookie with untapped potential and the OG of Ogs, veteran GI Joe. Can we talk about Dumbledores first two posts: A Thursday paradiddle followed by the SV500 would make most veterans reconsider their C’s or HC’s but he silently showed up and put in some absolute work! Killer postfolio hes building.
    Also tons of local reports out of 12 Cedars that Joe has ditched the golf clubs and has been black ops prepping on the streets of Thibodaux. Don’t call it a comeback this man is a regular. #GIJOE4LYFE

    Wet Tap/Spec 200
    Unstoppable forces plowing through immovable objects. These men will humbly do goblet squats for weeks before realizing the rest of us were squatting air.
    Team “Don’t Weaken” lived up to the family creed. Great effort.

    Michelin/Percolator 205
    Team shake and bake coming in hot with Percs OG knowledge all the way from BR. Michelin transforming into a coupon OHP machine in front of our eyes. Ya love to see it. Great to catch up with ya Perc!

    Smooth/Suckle 295
    Officially dubbed Thunder and Lightning these men were a true combination of Rottweiler and Greyhound. HS gets to tell all his ultra friends he did a “1 mile fun run” and Smooth lifted a combined 18-wheeler worth of coupons. Well done.

    Safety Valve/ Cardinal 310
    In most prison movies theres a scene where a old inmate teaches a new guy the ropes. Cardinal fell right into his role here teaching valve the “proper” form on coupon avoidance techniques and how to ask extra questions to buy yourself a ten count. Valve continued to display his quiet strength and running prowess.

    Sandbar/Reluctant Yankee 325
    (*this was a ballpark # recorded post-race and if yall had different, chime in)

    Team Southshore, making it look easy! T-claps to you gents for making the drive, especially for RY for making the early haul after taking his 2.0 to college the night before. Southshore was well represented and we always enjoy the Yankee drop-ins during holidays.

    Cuz/Popeye 325
    Nice performance here from Team Yeet ‘Em and Street Em. Popeye already solidified as the comeback performance of the ’23 pax year and even further padding his stats while carrying Cuz. Don’t get me wrong Cuz was putting in the work, just seemed distracted asking YHC why we couldn’t add the Punisher symbol to the SV500 logo. #TundraTough…. It’s a lifestyle.

    Ronnie/YJ 355
    Many high level analyst saying YJ exercised the demons of 2022 with the tremendous ab and leg prep May – August and despite cranking tents and tables all day on Friday both these men laid down game day strains. Ronnie looking jacked Diesel in that tank sonnn.

    Goose/Zoolander 380
    YHC was setup behind the form as impeccable (as expected) but the push to get the next level (silver to gold) was inspiring. Just two great Pax leaders ripping burpees or was it a Calvin Klein commercial.

    Pope/Paradiddle- 425
    For real, For real! When YHC heard earlier in the week this team was pairing up I had them pegged as a dark horse pick. Pope has shown many traits of having dat dawggg this year and its been so awesome watching him grow and having him at weekday beatdowns.
    If you aren’t local and don’t know the maniac formerly known as Diddle let me read you his bio….

    Favorite song: Numb- Linkin Park
    Likes: Cardio
    Dislikes: Ppl who dislike Cardio
    Hometown: Zone 5 and He’s the Mayor

    These men represented the Thib pax to the last rep and YHC couldn’t be prouder. This will be a team to watch for years to come.

    THE CHAMPS….

    When the dust settled we had 3 teams that separated themselves from the pack. In a photo finish Tanked and Grundy retained the SV500 title narrowly escaping the youthful legs of Pope and Paradiddle. Leading the youth division (under 18) Redfish/Coyote with an impressive 500 points. The future is bright for these 2.0 studs.

    Tanked Up/ Grundy 435
    Incredibly impressive, especially with the tweaks Goose built this year. Station 19 and 20 Doras were both physically and psychologically punishing. Tclaps to the gentlemen for continuing to rep the Northshore. See you next year!!!

    After copious amounts of water/ Gatorade and shaking off heat stroke symptoms we wrapped up with COT and Cardinal Prayed us out.

    Coffeeteria with donuts provided by St. Vincent pharmacy staff and volunteers.
    I will pass along the gratitude from the entire St. Vincent pharmacy staff and board in thanking everyone involved in this event and fundraising endeavor. It’s been 2 years since we started discussing ways to help with the pharmacy after the devastation of Hurricane Ida and continued strain from the pandemic and I could have never imagined this level of support from F3 and the community. I’m proud to announce that with our contributions this year ($9517.50) we have raised over $20, 000 in the last 2 years for the pharmacy to continue to provide for people in need of life-saving medications. Looking forward to continuing to find ways to support this great organization.

    Epilogue

    THE FAITH THANG

    The heaping trash continued to tumble out of the micro trash bag and the tension was palpable. No one had seen this much garbage since the Naboo storyline in Episode 1 (RIP Jar Jar). Soon the sheer amount of plastic would overtake our oxygen supply. YHC was grasping at straws. We had to keep our composure. Cardinal was even running diversion tactics by introducing new schisms to the pax. “Hey you guys know how pirogue is pronounced??”
    And just when we had reached our darkest hour there came the return of the silent sedan over the hill like Gandalf into Helms deep. In place of a blazing white staff he proceeded to unveil the largest trash bag ever created on planet earth. We placed the entire events trash inside and it still looked empty. What and why this unit of plastic could be used for, other than oceans of trash, is beyond me. When Jeaux was pressed about it he only mumbled something about his affairs in international waters not being my business. He silently went on about his duty of peddling event t-shirts and correcting form. Not all heroes bring hefty’s.

    So here’s the very thing about the men of F3 Thibodaux. Ask them to grab a trash bag and they bring you TrashZilla Rex, the king of all trash. Need a JUMBolaya pot? Here’s one you can swim in! Need 1-2 ice chests? Ho Hum, here’s 5 Yetis all 30A approved. Ask them to do burpees, why not Kraken Burpees on emom timer. Ask them for stretching and you get a Diddle death march.

    And how about ask them to support a charity pharmacy in 115 heat indices with a back-to-back 2 day event?? One that has been there for so many in need for 2 decades and needed that same support. Well, you already know how that ends. The chips are low, a wolf at the door or a man alone in the darkness and these pax will stand up and serve those less fortunate. I could not be prouder to stand beside them.

    SYITG,

    Paradox