F3 New Orleans

Tag: Goldilox

  • The Samson – from Smooth Operator

    The Samson

    Attendance

    Goose

    Pope

    Yankee Jeaux

    Paradox

    Goldilox

    Wet Tap

    Americas Best

    Honey Suckle

    Safety Valve

    FNG (Tana)

    Lil Cuz

    Cardinal

    Piccadilly

    Smooth Operator

    YHC started planning this beatdown pretty much the same way I normally do. I read through the list of Saint’s feast day, I look at what happen throughout history on this day, and I read the daily mass reading for that particular day. Well, this time the 1st reading for 12/19 really stuck out to me. Judges Chapter 13 the origin story of Samson, is what YHC read. Samson happens to be the name of one of the babies YHC and his M lost a couple months ago. So, this story hit me like a ton of bricks, and I quickly read the rest of the story. You see originally, I thought about taking it easy on the PAX since I had been out of pocket for a couple of weeks, but as soon as I read this, YHC relinquished control for what was going to happen.

    YHC was allowed to switch over from day shift to night shift, on the morning of this Tuesday Tough. I even slept in a little and got to the Stage around 0430 to unload a couple tires and mauls. As YHC sat anxiously awaiting the PAX. 0505 came around and YHC was nervous, but the PAX came through for me. We were 14 strong for a brisk 40-degree Tuesday Tough.

    Warmarama

    SSH

    Imperial Walkers

    Windmills

    Arm Circles

    Cherry Pickers

    Butt Kicks

    High Knees

    A few things from the story I found inspiration from were:

    – He was consecrated a Nazirite from birth by an angel. A Nazirite is someone who will not eat or drink from the vines or strong drink, will not cut his hair, and will not touch a dead body.

    – Samson killed a lion with his bare hands.

    – He killed 30 Philistines over a riddle he gambled on.

    – He killed 1000 Philistines with the jawbone of a donkey.

    – After he was captured and had his eyes gouged out by the Philistines he pulled down a Philistine temple and killed himself and a whole lot of Philistines that were there mocking him.

    – Samson had superhuman strength when the Spirit of the Lord came upon him and brought him to victory over the Philistines.

    With those things in mind lets jump back to the workout.

    Thang 1

    The Samson

    After picking up the speaker, our coupons, and a pair of rims from Wet Tap, the Pax moseyed down to the old coupon corner for this morning’s insanity. Due to Samson killing 1030 Philistines I figured this would be a good round number of reps for the PAX as a collective to shoot for. All the PAX lined up on the first crack and awaited instruction. 1030 was divided by the total number of PAX in attendance and 77 total reps was the amount each PAX would be required to do to move to the next exercise. The PAX whom finished first could either help the slower PAX get to their number or wait for the PAX to finish and do pickle pounders since this was the sin that lead to Samson’s demise. 2 lucky PAX would be allowed to beat on a tire with a maul with all their reps counting to our total 1030. This seemed to be lost in translation from YHC and PAX and the tires became additional coupons for the likes of Wet Tap and Pope who performed admirably this morning. The PAX seemed to be mildly annoyed by the number of reps but were willing to get after it, until YHC mentioned that the first exercise was Lion Killers (Thruster) due to Samson killing a lion with his bare hands. You could have sworn that I kicked Yankee Jeaux’s cup of coffee over and took Tana’s pickle ball paddle. This response quickly caused YHC to say go and that worked pretty well to calm the storm. YHC put on some slower than I remembered music to get us through the beatdown. YHC crossed 40 when the American Beast hit 77 and begged me to let him do some of my reps. YHC let the exercise go for a couple minutes longer and allowed a couple other guys to cross the 77 rep threshold before I pulled the plug to get to part 2 of the exercise.

    Part 2 of the exercise is or mode of transport to the next street crack. Our mode of transport was moving like and inch worm with a J Lo in the middle of it. YHC calls these Delilah’s. Basically you extend your brick out as far as you can, drop your elbows on your block, perform a J Lo, and then get your feet to the edge of your block and repeat until you go past the second asphalted line in the concrete. This seemed to be less troublesome to the PAX than part one. After this came Part 3.

    Part 3 was about remembering where we came from. This means we would be running suicides all the way back to our starting spot. The thoroughbreds really shined on this part. After part 3 we would be ready for exercise 2 part 1. Note part 2 and 3 are repeated for each exercise.

    On the start of exercise 2 everyone seemed to accept the fact that we would be trying to take on the impossible… Or so I thought. YHC announced the next exercise being 77 WW3 sit ups and the ever quiet always chill Safety Valve looked at me like I had pink eye. After hearing his concern and doing a couple reps I quickly realized by golly he was right. After checking on the leader’s rep count YHC dropped the number of reps down to 25 and 25 WW2 sit-ups because he is a gracious Q. After this we performed Part 2 and Part 3 in the same manner as before.

    Exercise 3 happened to be YHC’s favorite exercise and would tie nicely into the theme of this beatdown. Man makers with a donkey kick was on the agenda, but due to time restrictions YHC cut out the donkey kicks. The donkey kicks were in there because Samson, filled with the Spirit of the Lord, killed 1000 Philistines with a jawbone of a donkey. Once YHC announced the exercise Boss Man Goose had a safety briefing on how to do a correct man maker, which gave YHC a chance to catch some wind since it seemed to not want to stay in the lunges. After this, YHC experienced some tremendous feats, such as Pope and Wet Tap knocking out the reps with tires instead of coupons and Cardinal and Dilly pushing their bodies to the limit and giving 100% effort. All in all, a couple people reached 77 and we quickly moved into Part 2. Part 3 was cut out due to time, so we wasted no time in jumping into exercise 4.

    Exercise 4 was a spur of the moment decision, and it was a good one. Coupon swings were called out and we did coupon swings till 0600. After this we hustled back to the Stage to count off.

    Once at the Stage we counted off. Lil Cuz announced he was feeling very Samsonish which tells YHC that a Part 2 will be needed for this saga. During COT we talked about RunCajunRun coming up and Saturday, Yankee Joe and Tana are having rival Christmas Q’s. For more information contact Tana, and Yankee. After this Pope prayed us out. This beatdown for me was all about putting your trust in God to give you the strength to get through what seems to be impossible. Just like Samson, we need to turn to God and trust his plan. Either good or bad outcome, God will get us through.

    Thanks for coming along with me fellas

    SYITG,

    Smooth Operator

  • DIRTY PAX – from Yankee Joe

    As we near Christmas, you’ll find lost hooligan souls across the world celebrating the gift-giving game of White Elephant, sometimes referred to as Dirty Santa. The men of F3 Thibodaux are no less hooligans, and as such, seven PAX posted at the Den for our first Dirty Pax Exicon Gift Exchange.

    Cardinal, Goose, Pope, Lil’ Cuz, Goldilox, and Honeysuckle all deserved much worse than coal in their stockings. They needed the humility that can only be forged by cringe worthy Christmas songs.
    —————————————
    Warmarama
    The usual suspects with two Christmassy baubles tossed in…

    The Randy – from “A Christmas Story” when lilttle Randy’s coat was so big, he couldn’t move his arms – thus arms straight out to side, palms down, flapping 6 to 12 inches repeatedly.

    Tempo Jump Squats doing our best to mimic Santa jumping down and then up out of a chimney
    —————————————-
    Dirty PAX Setup

    – Pax in a circle with a pile of “gifts” in the middle. Each gift is an exercise.
    – Pax 1 chooses gift, reveals to PAX; PAX then completes exercise
    – Pax 2 chooses to steal Pax 1’s exercise or choose from the gift pile an so on
    – If a Pax gets his gift stolen, he needs to pick a new one, which the PAX then completes

    Rules:
    – Gifts can be stolen only twice before it is locked in
    – For each exercise, the PAX completes the chosen gift AMRAP for two minutes to a carefully curated musical stink bomb of YHC’s choice.

    Objective:
    – The gift/exercise you end up with is the exercise you will do AMRAP for the last five minutes of the beatdown. So, being strategic about which exercise you hold at the end is essential.

    NOTE: This did not happen. YHC was having too much fun with the (awful) playlist along with the ridiculousness of two-minute HIITs.

    Potential Gifts:

    burpees
    mtn climbers
    SSH
    gas pumpers
    J-Lo’s
    jump squats
    apollo ono’s
    high knee imperial walkers (for speed)
    shark hops – plank jack on each hop (3 per rep)
    25 yrd suicide ascending and descending
    hand release merkins
    25 yard bear crawl/crab walk back
    T-Bomb
    sweat angels
    The Bruce and the Cait
    Goosey’s
    hydraulic humpers
    sandstorm
    Jiminy Crickets
    star crunches

    =================================

    How It Went Down (in no particular order)
    ——————————————–
    Gift: The Bruce and The Cait (Merkin with one leg crossed over the other; switch legs at bottom of merkin)

    Song: “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber (nothing like serenading “shawty” on Christmas)

    *You will find further commentary at the end of the blast
    ——————————————–
    Gift: Hand Release Merkins

    Song: “Christmas In Hollis” by Run D.M.C.
    ——————————————–
    Gift: Shark Hops (like a dolphin hop, but on each “hop” do a plank jack; the dolphin hop is dead)

    Song: “Grandma Got Run over by a Reindeer” by Elmo and Patsy
    ——————————————–
    GIft: Goosey’s (bonnie blair into a jump squat; after the shark hops, these were especially miserable)

    Song: “What You Want for Christmas” by Quad City D.J.s (this is a real banger and should be on everyone’s Christmas playlist)
    ——————————————–
    Gift: Sandstorm (full vertical, jump repeatedly with arms straight up)

    Song: As Lil’ Cuz and others pointed out, the song should have been Sandstorm by Darude, but alas, ‘tain’t the season. So, “Drummer Boy” by Justin Bieber and (wait for it) Busta Rhymes
    ——————————————–
    Gift: J-Lo’s

    Song: “Last Christmas” by Wham (a guilty pleasure of many, most notably, Montana)
    ——————————————–
    Gift: T-Bomb (crab position, shoot legs straight, feet together; then legs straight and spread, then feet back together and legs straight, then back to crab)

    Song: “¿Dónde Está Santa Claus?” By Augie Rios

    *This gift was intended to be the exercise of Cardinal’s dreams. It ended up being a nightmare for all of us.
    ——————————————–
    Gift: Hydraulic Humpers (monkey humper, at the NADIR of the humper, double genuflect, then finish the humper)

    Song: “Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham

    *There was initial debate between El Ganzo and YHC over the definition of ‘nadir’, however, Honeysuckle spoke his truth and the matter was settled. Then there was debate about the mechanics of the humper -again – from the head honko, which then opened the gates for the rest of the PAX to start honking.

    Once we started and achieved some sort of rhythm, the mechanics fell into place. These were brilliant…with the genuflects at the NADIR of the humper, your glutes and quads are engaged the entire time. The hydraulic humper brought us to the NADIR of the beatdown. I wasn’t sure we would recover. The nadir line is that we need to see these again.
    ——————————————–
    Gift: Apollo Ono’s

    Song: “All I Really Want for Christmas” by Lil’ John feat. Kool Aid Man
    ——————————————–

    There was a last gift, but I can’t remember what it was. What’s important is that it was accompanied by the musical stylings of “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays” by NYSNC.

    YHC called off the torture (the exercises were kinda tough too) with three minutes remaining. To finish, the PAX did 25 yard suicides in increments of five, then once at the 25-yard mark, crab walk back to start.

    COT and Pope prayed us out.

    Though my timing was off a bit on this one, I couldn’t catch my breath from laughing so hard…well, that and the Goosey’s.

    ===========================

    A Quick Cup of Jeaux:

    I just assume the conversation between Bieber and his producers went like this:

    Producers: Hey Lil’ J, we were thinking…well…in consideration of the fact that you sing like a girl, and that you have blond streaks in your hair, and that you wear low hip, tapered, skinny jeans, and that you’re like 12 years old…

    Bieber: Guiltyyyyy!

    Producers: Yeahhh…Well, we’d like you to change some of your lyrics to stay more on brand.

    Bieber: Ummm…ok. Should I start lifting weights? Wear straight fit jeans?

    Producers: Soo yeah…actualy, we’d like you to replace the word “girl” in your songs with “shawty.”

    Bieber: Aww yeahhh…Hizzy to the yizzy!

    Producers: Also, any chance you’d be willing to drive a Prius?

  • ADVENTure Wreath 2: Cawn all Ye Faithful – from Paradox

    Here at F3 on da Bayou traditions abound new and old
    And you’ll need more than Frozen grass and dank gloves to scare the bold
    We’ve got Journeys to Bethlehem with starry coupon skies while Santa Valve and his McLevens ignore your cries
    Frozen war stories on Tap at the Peltch with a sweet smell of Air biscuits no freshener can squelch
    Smooths at the stage so the cheetahs can roam as We wait on the porch for #Tanacomehome
    The ageless wonders of Rienzi plan beatdowns where shoes are nice and you know Diddles making his list and checking it twice.
    Thus yHC found his old beatdown with all four candles and added some new flames to prevent love handles.

    Duke! Too early for eggnog !
    roll the bean footage!!

    9 pax rolled in ready for ADVENTure with Pope and Goose helping YHC put the finishing touches on the lazer light cawnz.
    Even an illusion of warmth was appreciated at a brisk 36 degrees!

    F3 Thibodaux lore dictates an ADVENTure wreath (TM) to have 4 components :
    1: Heavy Coupon work
    2: Matt Mahers Advent of Christmas Album( highly recommended)
    3: Pyrotechnics
    4 : 1 pax complaining about cold grass

    We had 1-3 all ready to go but YHC was concerned about #4 until our local clergymen arrived a tad late. There…now we have all 4!!
    let’s get after it

    Standard Warmup where we actually have to raise our core temperature and maybe the first beatdown of the year without bug spray. We couldn’t give Wet Tap the sweet victory of groans from Saturdays Iron Tap Challenge so we suffered in cold silence during the regular fare plus heavy MCs.

    Bumper Mosey where I complimented Valves neck gaiter and he silently asked me to never speak again. It’s ok we are in a “rough patch “ but nothing a Panera gift card can’t fix.

    Field update *
    Continued Coupon Vandalism was discovered at the bumper!!
    Two more coupon soldiers lost in senseless violence RIP

    As Q during this discovery I’ve compiled a list of ppl most likely to harm an F3 coupon ..

    Top Suspect list :
    -CrossFit CrabTrap
    -Cardinal
    -CrossFit HomeBrew
    -Cardinal
    -Thib Regional Wellness Center
    -Cardinal
    -some misguided youths

    Investigation pending …

    Back at the stage before launching into the wreath we had to
    1. Clear our heart
    2 make straight the path

    Cawns were lined up on the far side of the stage and Pax were split into teams. Goal was to run to cawns, 3 burpees , Nur back and put your cawns in a skrait line
    It was during this explanation that YHCs vernacular hit 9.8 Homers on the redneck meter and only Gooses deep beatdown knowledge could translate what was about to happen. (Cone=Comb=Cawn)
    Ended up 14-14 tie and our path was nice and strait. Sorry they didn’t have your fancy “speech therapy” at the Homer dollar general.

    Da main Thang

    Setup: 4 cones spread out on picnic tables and one larger in center lit by an assortment of family flashlights and headlamps. This works best if your 2.0s ask why you are taking their headlamp and you explain to them it’s to keep your friends out of the fartsack. Shortly followed by an invite from your M to consider p90x again.

    Rifle Carry to first corner

    1st week – Hope/Prophecy candle
    “Hope for Everyone “ Matt Maher (Advent of Christmas )
    Hold coupon chest level w high knees
    Goblet sqat on “Hope “
    YHC hoped the goblet squats will cure genetic no acetol but maybe next year.

    Partner up for 100 thrusters
    P1 Heels to Heaven
    10 Thrusters each round then flip flop

    Rifle carry to next cone

    2nd week – Peace
    Bethlehem candle

    1st corner , 2 donkey kicks 4 merkins
    rifle carry to next cone and increase by 2:4 until complete with 8 DK/16 merkins
    This explanation was met with so much silence and eye contact avoidance YHC felt like the Salvation Army bell ringer at Walmart.

    A few 10 counts later

    Rifle carry to next corner

    Week 3
    Joy/Shepard Candle

    Leave the 99 , save the 1 .

    Start in circle
    Send 1 pax to the stage for 10 step ups and he selects an ab exercise while he is gone. AMRAP till he returns.
    several ab exercises while taking turns rescuing the 1
    Highlighted by JLos and WW3 sit-ups (Yote has started an unstoppable trend…smh)

    Rifle carry to next corner

    Week 4 Love/ Angel candle
    “He Shall reign Forevermore” Matt Maher
    Coupon hops And Burpees on Reign
    Great prep for skiiing season.

    Finished up at the Purity Candle
    With Mary
    Leg raises, LBCs, AHs

    COT and Lox prayed us out

    Grateful for you guys and the stability that God provides with our brotherhood.

    Wrapped up with a solemn sweeping of the remnants of our inanimate coupon brethren.
    Good night sweet coupon princes.
    You calloused our hands but softened our hearts.

    You’re 5000 candles in the wind..

    SYITG
    PDox

  • F4—Faith, Fitness, Fellowship…& Football, by Coyote – from Goose

               The morning’s first challenge to meet the Pax and YHC was the wet, and surprisingly active, ant piles. More than half of us were bitten before the warmups. YHC lead the Pax in unusually long warmups then we headed over to the Lower Field for what we knew would be a messy, muddy Football game. YHC announced that each turnover was ten Merkins, and each Touchdown was a series of Burpees. The offense started by doing five and the defense ten. With every next Touchdown, five Burpees would be added to each. The two teams were named by the color of their flag, blue vs. yellow. Team Yellow consisted of Goose, Lil Cuz, Goldilocks, Picadilly, Duke, and Smooth Operator, while team Blue had Enron, Paradox, Pope, Popeye, and YHC. Team Blue started on offense because of low numbers. The team’s possession switched after a failed fourth-down conversion attempt. Team Yellow took a 7-0 lead after a great catch by Goose. After another Blue turnover, Goose made another amazing Touchdown catch, and Yellow took a 14-0 lead. Pope threw an Interception, and Smooth took it from there with a great diving catch, and a Touchdown catch. Yellow had a 21-0 lead when Blue finally scored a Touchdown on a great throw from Popeye and catch from Paradox. Goldilocks said, “Aw man, we didn’t shut them out.” Enron and Paradox had to leave before it was over, and Lil Cuz went to blue team. The final score was 28-7 Yellow, and everyone’s combined total of exercises was 675 Burpees and 400 Merkins. YHC counted a total 16 cut-slips, half of them being Smooth’s, who shot out mud when he fell. We all had a great time, and we all went home dirtier then we’d been in a long, long time.                   

  • PAX Turkana: A Thanksgiving Reforus – from Yankee Joe

    The following is a refurbished version of Thanksgiving 2022…

    A record seven PAX showed up at the Stage….wait…no that was from Thanksgiving last year. This year, 11 PAX posted at The Den, and that wasn’t even a record! I’m tellin’ ya…this year’s PAX draft class is legendary. Anyway, Thanksgiving is a holiday that often gets overshadowed. As such, in the chaos leading up to Christmas, we can forget to take a moment to be thankful.

    As my children adorably sang (sang is a strong word) Thanksgiving songs during their Pre-K performances last week, one verse stuck out to me:

    “I’m a little pilgrim on the run, here is my knife and here is my gun. When I go a-hunting, hear my shout- Deer and turkey better watch out!”

    I pondered about what the turkey thought about all this? I asked myself, who will speak for the Turkey? I’ll tell you who…the turkeys of F3 Thibodaux…oh and also one Goose. We would need to think like a turkey, sound like a turkey, move like a turkey, and fly like a turkey.

    Wait, can turkeys fly? We would find out together. You know what they say, “Turkeys of a feather Jurp off together.”

    “Nobody says that.”

    “Shut your pie hole, Duke and focus on the turducken.”
    —————————————-

    Warmarama with the regs, followed by a civic center mosey.

    Today, we’re all a bunch of turkeys. But I’m proud of that fact. There are haters everywhere. They say that we’re delicious. They mock us saying gobble gobble. Their kids trace their hands on construction paper and slap some feet on them and say, “Look mommy, I made a turkey.” Like it’s a genuine Turcasso. Sorry kid, your teacher found the turkey hand template online because she’s bored and hates her job. However, she’s pissed that you used so much freakin’ Elmer’s glue when all you need is a dot. Just a dot. It’s a googly eye for crying out loud. C’mon Tana.

    I could deal with all of this if it weren’t for the worst thing. They say we can’t fly. Bobby Joe, Jessie Pearl, and Popeye call us flightless birds. Flightless! Oh yeah, Bubba Sue, how the hell did I get up in this tree? Well, I say horsefeathers. They think they’re the cat’s pajamas, drinking all that giggle juice; They don’t know their onions. Until now, we’ve made a right pig’s ear of things. But that ends today. Today, we will show them a thing or two about a thing or two. We’re going to learn to fly.

    Welcome to Butterball Flight Academy.
    ——————————————–

    Lesson 1: Arm and Leg Warm-up
    To the tune of “Learning to Fly” by Tom Petty, these parakeets did:

    – 1st verse – Shoulder taps; Refrain (or chorus? Asking for an optometrist friend) – Merkins
    – 2nd verse – Shoulder taps; Reforus – Mountain climbers
    – Bridge – chill
    – 3rd verse – squats; Extended reforus – Flying squirrels

    *YHC didn’t fully understand what a flying squirrel entailed. Thank goodness we had a G- oose to set us on the right path.
    ——————————————–

    Lesson 2: Coordination and flight training – Turkeys are not completely flightless and can fly in short bursts. To work on this facet of training, the flocked did:

    – Flying nuns with forward arm circles through lunges to sidewalk (approx. 20 yards)
    – Jump squats X25 (at this point, YHC was questioning his…well everything)
    – Mario punch skips back to start (apparently Geese just skip/run…weird)
    – Bonnie Blair’s x25 (yeah, Lil’ Cuz, 25:2)
    ———————————————

    Lesson 3: You Must Focus: Sometimes You Must Think Like a Crane, not a Turkey.
    To the tune of “You’re the Best” from Karate Kid (Part 1, of course), these flamingos did:

    – 1st verse – SSH; Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    – 2nd verse – SSH; Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    – Bridge – Speed Monkey humpers; Refrain – alternating crane kicks
    – 3rd verse – SSH; Refrain – alternating crane kicks

    *By the end, it is impossible to describe whatever the hell any of us were doing. They weren’t crane kicks. BUT WAIT! Is that Ralph Macchio out there? No…it’s America’s Best! Oh how I wish we would’ve had someone recording his perfect form.
    —————————————–

    Intermission: You can only push a bunch of turkeys so far without giving them some reward. So, we took a break and like any good family thanksgiving, we had a pot-luck Mary session.

    – Dilly: Leg raises

    – Honeysuckle: Freddy Mercs

    – Lil’ Cuz: Dolphin Hops (like a real son of turkey, but he misses Paradox, so who can really blame him…I can.)

    – America’s Best: At first squats, but then someone (probably Lil’ Cuz) threw some shade about it not being an ab exercise, so AB, without missing a beat and putting on his Dad voice, said, “Ok fine. V-ups 3:1!” And we did 60.

    – Popeye: He pondered for a moment, then called a lap around the civic center. At this point, Goose suggested to YHC that the concept of Mary may have been woefully unexplained to the most recent draft class.

    – Wet Tap: Bird dawwwwwgs

    – Pope: American hammers

    *YHC had to cut the potluck short due to selective hearing. A note about MARY: There’s something about her. Abs in just seven minutes. NOT six, I said seven. Step into my office. You’re X@#$& FIRED. MARY is abs.
    ——————————————

    Lesson 4: We Fly!

    – Sprint to sidewalk with tucked wings, intermittently screeching “gobble, gobble.”
    – Nur sprint back with tucked wings, screeching “elbbog, elbbog.”
    – Repeato three times.
    ——————————————-

    Lesson 5: Stabilizers
    Our wings are curved, our tail feathers are straight up, our bones are dense. We are fluffy, not fat. As such, our last lesson dealt with an oft overlooked facet of turkey flight training…stabilizers.

    AND you’re all a bunch of soft, entitled turkeys. You don’t deserve to be comfortable…ever. You think I enjoyed hiding this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my tailfeathers…oh man…sorry. I get mixed up sometimes.

    To the tune of Gobble Gobble (by Matthew West…it’s a good one), these cockatoos engaged in a combination of elbow plank holds, J-Lo’s (low plank, alternate hips touching ground), and pickle pounders (low plank with hip thrust down and up).

    Together, the J-Lo’s and the Pickle Pounder are called the ARod. But for obvious reasons, this name is no longer appropriate. For the consideration of F3 Thibodaux, I offer the J-Lo Pickle Gobbler. It’ll catch on. (I wrote the same thing last year. It didn’t catch on.)

    – 1st verse – Elbow plank
    – Pickle pounders on “gobble”
    – Reforus – J-Lo’s
    – 2nd verse – Elbow plank
    – Pickle pounders on “gobble”
    – Extended Reforus – J-Lo’s
    ————————————————–

    Encore! Three minutes remaining
    YHC deliberated with great pains on which Karate Kid song to use for the Crane Kick lesson. It came down to “You’re the Best” and “Glory of Love.” The former won out by virtue of faster cadence.

    So, to the tune of “Glory of Love,” we held Mission Impossible plank for three minutes until time called at 6 am.

    COT and Piccadilly prayed us out. As always, I am thankful for F3, the men of the Thibodaux FLAX, and most of all the values that we share.

    SYITG and Gobble Gobble,

    Turkey Jeaux

  • Fitness, Faith and the Fellowship of the Thang – from Paradox

    One beatdown to smoke them

    One beatdown to find them

    A free men’s workout that calls them home

    And in the gloom it binds them …

    The beacons of Gondor were lit !
    And 13 pax answered. They came from all corners of Middle Lafourche on this humid fall morning for a 2 year YHC Manniversary celebration.

    Members of the fellowship in attendance:

    – The Elven King Hon Suk El from the high castle of Rienzi . His lands and bannermen are many including the Lowes and the Academy. He was accompanied by Royster Princes Ewok and Yelnats requesting burpees for breakfast.
    – The nomadic wizard Goosedalf from the ethereal Oaks. He bringeth 3 wizard apprentices, trained trivia assassins Pope GooseSon and Coyote GooseSon and the most feared sprinter in the land Duke GooseSon.
    – The Scholar bandit known as the Shimmering Lox recently released from his prison studies. The bards will sing of his quads for many generations.
    – King Mudgear of the 12th cedar Fortresses. If a man threatens Merkin Rhabdo he will appear in aid , the legends be true. May his tail wind blow in your favor.
    – The Bard Tom BombaDiddle from the smoking marshes of HomeMaH. No fiddle he cannot play, no score he will not slay but his gas flute is deadliest of all.
    – The Warrior En Ronnie Lillicchh of the High Lands, though many question his name none question his mode of beast. The men of his family must all defeat the Snapping Turla , or be exiled .
    – Captain Pop Aye, the Kings Guard and the newly minted Earl of Sandwich, expert in sword and shield, master of the one word insult, and igniter of groupme flames.

    Thus they assembled the fellowship on this fine Saturday.
    Their fitness was sharp but many tests of faith stood before them…

    Duke!! Roll the Footage , we’re going to Mordor !

    Warmup
    SSH, IW, WM , AC, CP MC

    YHC had trouble keeping cadence due to the loud popping and clicking of joints left over from Safety Valves obliteration of the pax lower extremities on Thursday. He could not be reached for comment but the pax were jumpy at the mere mention of Bonnie Blair’s and I knew we were in for a a battle.

    As YHC was reflecting on his 2 year journey with F3 I noticed some of my favorite things about beatdowns blended nicely with a LOTR themed bd YHC has had on a back pot low simmer for a while. So I compiled my “lessons learned” over the last 2 years and sprinkled in some light Tolkien to put a bow on it.
    Don’t be hasty , one doesn’t simply walk into Mordor!

    Chapter 1.
    The Fitness and leaving your warm hobbit hole comfort zone

    YHC cherishes the moments where F3 has pushed the envelope of my physical and mental comfort zone in the last 2 years. Most ppl from my high school would tell you YHC was “fairly reserved” maybe even the dreaded “stays to himself” but f3 changes a man…
    -Monkey humpers during a cross county meet, no problem.
    -5 inch inseam shorts at a park at 6:30am , why ? cus YJ said so, that’s why.
    -Singing sea shanties during a 5k monsoon, just another lovely morning.

    So we Mosey’d to the Chimney representing our cozy hobbit Hole while training our Hobbit feet.
    Indian run with drop off 3 BBSU
    But today they are Bilbo Baggins sit ups. First sit-up , then right elbow to left knee , left elbow to right knee represents eating both first and second breakfast.

    At Da Chimney :

    Helms Deep Squat Trivia
    Correct 5 burpees
    Incorrect 15 burpees

    1. How old was Bilbo at the beginning -(111)
    2. What is the name of bilbos home? (Bag End)

    Ok let’s talk about the trivia real quick.
    I want you to imagine Dikembe Mutumbo (Pope) and Shaq (Coyote) standing beside a 6 foot basketball goal. YHC tosses soft layups as they swat balls into the rafters and their coach (Goose) nods in silent approval. The rest of the pax were simply spectators as they made child’s play of YHCs “moderate difficulty “ LOTR trivia. A fair warning to you trivia Qs out there, dem Dawson boys play for keeps. Do not bring weak trivia game into the paint.

    Bilbos 111th birthday
    111 big bilbo sit-ups
    Hobbit Walk to chimney , sprint back
    Many variations of the hobbit walk , all were accepted without shame while our local form police was furthering his doctoral study of burpee merkin combos this weekend.

    Helms Deep Squat Trivia
    3.) how many members are in the fellowship- 9
    4.) can you name them all?
    Gandalf, Frodo, merry, pippin, Sam, gimli, Legolas, boromir , Aragorn

    Again yawns from the pope and Coyote and “you knew better Dox” nod from goose
    – 5 burpees

    Chapter 2
    Forming The Fellowship
    Many Races but One Fellowship

    YHC concocted a few race schemes to display increasing difficulty paralleled with increasing brotherhood of F3.
    I tell someone almost every week about F3 and always remark something like “I hate half of these exercises if I have to perform them solo but when it’s with this crew I triple set my alarm to go at 5am in cold rain while swallowing chimchuri farts “ . The magic of the shared suffering , tough to describe but I think the team races help.

    The races would increase by 1 pax each round.
    Winner would pick 10 reps of any exercise for the pax

    1 ) solo bearcrawl – 10 merkins CrawlBear

    10 burpees from Ewok/Yelnats

    2 ) pax wheel barrow – 20 Carolina- swap and wheel barrow back

    3) 3 man carry 25 star jumps

    This sounded better on paper and YHC narrowly avoided being face to face with Paradiddles pair of diddles.

    4 ) 4 pax team lungeWalk 10 Bonnie Blair’s , …team Egnul Walk back to cone which ended up looking like a well oiled machine on the front end and a drunk octopus dying in a hail storm on the return journey.

    Helms deep squat Trivia :
    5.) who plays Aragorn – Vigo Mortesen
    6.) what is the name of the evil that Gandalf must stop in the minds of Moria to save the fellowship. – Balrog

    *At this point not only was Pope guessing the trivia answers AND questions he saw us moseying toward the bridge and was like “Khazad-dum next huh?”
    Unbelievable.
    What are you feeding this kid goose!

    Chapter 3

    The Bridge of Khazad-dum and
    Facing the darkness head on

    During IPC month every year there lies an extra mental challenge. When the Bengay video drops there is no hiding. Crayola stands in front of you just like a Balrog and no amount of staring will change the high rep counts. It’s part of the mental iron sharpening and all you can do is face it beside the pax.

    “7s “ at the Bridge
    6 Freak Nastys (decrease)
    Cross bridge with 2.0s as bridge troll form police while presenting 10 diamond merkins
    1 burpee (increase)

    2.0s were ruthless form police ! #JeauxcomeHome

    Chapter 4
    Finish Strong

    One of my favorite parts of an F3 beatdown is the last 10 minutes. Everyone is smoked. Sweat in eyes, engine on E then some ridiculous thang gets introduced and there’s a perceptible banding together to defeat the task. You think the tank is empty but looking around and seeing others to push for and there’s always more.

    The March to Mordor
    Partner up
    P1 lunges while P2 does 10 mountain climbers , when finishes run to p1 swap and 10 MC

    Goose and Lox won it and handed out some fine dirt pile derkins.

    Back to the flag for round robin Mary.

    Animal shirt to Diddle for skipping LOTR to practice drums. Worth it .

    Intentions for many suffering with illness, families in need and anxieties of the holiday season.

    COT and Diddle prayed us out

    Men it’s an absolute blast sharing these moments in the gloom with you and a privilege to get opportunities to lead.
    Looking forward to another great year.

    SYITG ,
    Dox

  • Gameday Training – from Enron

    It has been quite a while since YHC has been able to make it to a Saturday beatdown and even longer since having the opportunity to Q one. Therefore, YHC rolled up a little early to the Peltch to an empty parking lot scattered with shot-gunned Twisted Tea cans from what looked like a wild Friday night. 9 PAX of men pulled in shortly thereafter waiting for training camp to get started. Flag planted, let’s get this thing rolling.
    Warmarama: SSH, IW, Windmills, Self-Love, AC, Cherry Pickers, High Knees, Butt Kicks
    YHC noticed it was eerily silent during the warmup and didn’t know if it was due to the lack of Dox and Tana’s normal chatter, or the fear that was placed on the PAX from Yankee Jeaux’s description of the last “Game of Games” Q in the GroupMe.
    Thang 1: Strength Training
    To be game day ready, YHC described that there are many different forms of preparation that you must put your mind and body through. We would be working our way through each of them to make sure that the PAX was prepared for the main event at the end of today. This started off with some strength training.
    Who doesn’t like medium-roasted Jeaux in the morning? YHC explained the breakdown of what the exercises in the Jurp were for YJ since he has seemingly forgotten the movements since he wrote them down 3 weeks ago.

    20 Tempo Squats
    10 Groiners
    20 Merkins
    10 Groiners
    20 Jump Squats
    20 LBCs
    20 Leg Raises

    Rinse and Repeat

    Thang 2: Endurance Training

    After a quick debate on the best route to get a mile in, and quickly shutting down Wet Tap’s idea, the PAX began a 1-mile Indian run with the last man dropping off for 3 merkins before running to the front to choose his pace.

    Thang 3: Coordination Training
    Moseyed to the previously unused Bocce ball court for a quick game. Thanks to Goose, Pope, and Duke for allowing the use of their family game night set of Bocce Ball.

    Split into teams 1 and 2
    Rules:
    Thow out the “jack”
    Each member throws their Bocce Ball to attempt to get closest to the jack. If that ball ends up closer, the opposing team does 2 Burpees. Alternated teams until each player had thrown their ball. The team with the closest ball at the end was “rewarded” with 5 Merkins, while the losing team did 10 burpees.

    Team 2 had a commanding lead through the entire game and thought we would easily walk away with a victory. Smooth had other plans. On the last shot, he went with the perfectly placed hail Mary of a throw and knocked the Jack, and his ball, out of the cluster of other balls to take the W. Well played sir.

    Thang 4: Mental Training
    Each team lined up facing one another for a quick round of Rock paper scissors.
    The Rules:
    One game of RPS vs. each of the opposing team members
    Round one loser 1, 2=1 Bonnie Blair
    Round 2 loser 2 Bonnie Blairs
    Round 3 loser 3 and so on until all teammates have played each member of the opposing team.

    Thang 5: The main event, Gameday – Frisburpee
    Ultimate Frisbee but on every turnover the team that turned over the frisbee would drop for 2 burpees while the opposing team would do 1 merkin. In the second half this was changed to 2 Bonnie Blairs with 1 squat. Losing team did 5 Burpees per touchdown in the first half and 5 Bonnie Blairs in the second.

    This is what the PAX has been training all day for, the main event. The teams seemed relatively even though YHC was very pleased to see that both the 2.0s were on his team. 2.0 energy has been known to be a large advantage in any endurance, and running, game. This was quickly proved to be correct. After scoring the opening 6 touchdowns, team 2 was dominating the opposition. Jeaux, learned that he had to “sell out” for the frisbee, and with reckless abandon he was quickly diving all over the pitch. Pope was showing off his impressive ups and long arms for grabbing the frisbee. Duke even looked over to YHC and said “ Enron, I really like this game”. With that kind of lead, what is there not to like.
    Not so fast my friend… Team 1 quickly scored a couple TDs towards the end to even the score out (kind of). Time was called and we moseyed to the flag.

    Announcements and Goose Prayed us out. Animal was rewarded to Smooth for his ever continuing strength and drive.

    This was an awesome start to “gameday” and YHC is truly honored to be a part of this PAX and this group of High impact men. Happy to see Goldilox back in the rotation again as well. Thanks to all for making it out.

    SYITG,

    Enron

  • IronPax Week Zero – from Paradox

    You are gazing upon the happenings of Thibodaux, La on the morning of Sept 2 and there are many sights to behold. In the deep gloom near Peltier park several athletes push their bodies to the max in an annual event meant to find the limits of cardiovascular and psychological endurance. It comes every fall and like cool weather and Friday night football it signals the changing of seasons. That event is known as the ED White Cross Country meet.
    ….
    Now take your telescoping lens and scooch it over just a hair ..adjust the mean age by 17 years , sprinkle in wisdom and wrap it in grit and tenacity. Remove the cheering family and substitute with dual connect JBLs. There, there you are, just right. Now you have it.
    Can you see 15 pax surrounded by coupons and encircling the shovel flag prepared to face IPC week zero?

    IPC is finally here!!

    here’s how week zero took place on da bayou.

    Duke! Roll the footage and wake me up when September ends!

    Warmups
    After a week of prep with some finely tuned beatdowns, YHC wanted to add an extra layer of lather and injury protection before we put the pedal all the way to floor so we had round 1 of warmups at the flag with Seal Jacks , IW , Arm circles , CP, Self love , High knees , Butt kicks.
    The pax were loose and ready to dive in as we coupon moseyed to the ThunderDome for the main event.

    The Thang

    It’s taken YHC a few years to decode our QIC Gooses love language but most days I can translate it well. A few examples : “Your shorts are too short” really means “I’m shopping for shorter shorts tonight because they highlight your quads”. And “Those High Knee Arm circles are the dumbest thing in the known universe” really means “that’s an effective and thorough warmup Dox and I think you are swell”
    Of course this takes years of verbal battery to acquire but here I am better for it.
    So when YHC unveiled a 7 foot particle board sign with todays week zero instructions and Goose simply said “I wish it was taller” then I really knew he was saying “I’m overwhelmed by its magnificence and only a sonnet would suffice for praise”
    Fair enough my friend but I know how you really feel.
    YHC gave a quick rundown and we got to the work below:

    Start the timer
    Warmup
    13 reps
    SSH- IW-MC-ST-PJ

    800 meter run

    Then 85 Reps of each followed by 8 burpees after each round of :

    HR merkins
    BBSU
    Dips
    Goblet Squats
    Coupon OHP
    4 count flutter kicks
    KB swings

    800 meter run

    The Iron PaxCenter Top Plays
    Brought to you by CoolJabs :

    As most IPCs go when the whistle blows the vision tends to get hazy. Week zero was no exception and although YHC teetered somewhere between blurred vision and syncope for the duration these were the observations.

    -The pax got off to a nice start on the 800 meter with DiddleGoose (don’t google this ) upfront amd Pope as the pace car and the second wave of pax keeping a conservative pace just behind.

    – Turns out America’s Beast is an actual Virginian grizzly bear. Some think he began the transformation during Popes halo bear crawl of death. Whenever it was I’m here to tell you The BearMan was rolling with good form early with the HR merkins and YHC found inspiration in his intermittent bear grunts. If only we had a shirt for this occasion.
    – The 2.0s provided both stern form advice (Duke) and light hearted banter (Coyote) along with the watchful eye from our wagon EMT (Jack B Nimble)
    – Team JBL reassured the pax of high performance audio after a shaky week. Tuesday we were upstaged by a younger and more beautiful turtle box and Thursday JBL flip 6 (our brother formerly from OLOPs) provided some questionable connection. So Diddles JBL Burrito saved face and YHC did my best DJing to keep the pax spirits high. If some one doesn’t show up at my funeral and play Turn Down for What I’ll be a tad disappointed.
    – Dumbledore was performing coupon goblet squats so perfect and so deep I had to stop mid beatdown and write Crayola a letter via owl from the Hogwarts school of Glute and Quads. Well done Dore.
    – The goblet squats were a gut check for us all and it was no surprise they brought out Smooths best . He was hammering them 10 at a time and there was no quit as the Clydesdale awoke in him.
    – Great to have LOX back with us today! bringing in the summer magic and getting a good break from reading all those rich mohagney seminary books.
    – Gi Joe brought a steely performance amd YHC kept seeing him hit a wall, take a breath and break through to the next set. Well on his way to bring the fittest GI Doc in the state.
    – Overall this crew stood their ground through some ridiculously high reps and stayed in the fight till we hit 7:30 and circled up. T-claps indeed.

    COT and Goose prayed us out

    Grateful to lead men
    Keep hammering

    Moleskin :
    If you’ve attended 1 beatdown or really any social gathering you can usually find the guy in a group who has an internal pressure to hear his own voice. YHC was born with this affliction. So every year when IPC rolls around I find it a nice change of pace (if only brief) to work on battling the inner voice. The one that says 85 reps is stupid and that things are burning and here’s 9000 reasons you should stop. But 1 reason to keep going IS present and part of the iron sharpening process is looking over and seeing the guy next to you fighting that same battle. Each rep, each set, each week we sharpen each other a little more.
    Welcome to September men.

    See you in the Gloom
    Dox

  • 80 Miles to Sante Fe – from Paradox

    What comes to mind when you think of the absolute cutting edge of human performance? Ultra marathons, Saturdiddles, special ops training, Cardinal crab walking … I’m talking the outer limits of human capabilities here. Well men I have a new challenging feat of strength to add to this pantheon of greatness. A rigorous 5 day crucible that tests the mind, body, spirit, and even Rouses endless supply of 100% juice capri suns.

    Some only live through it to tell the tale…
    That’s how I found myself shoulder to shoulder with Econoline this week at 8:15am on a casual Tuesday in the Chackbay Catholic center, awaiting our first rotation of children.
    There we stood at the game station like 2 young hobbits awaiting 10,000 orcs at Helms deep. (Jk jk your children are all angels )
    It was about to begin…
    The great battle of our time..
    Being group leaders at…
    VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL

    Duke put down that snack pack and roll the footage . It’s VBS week!

    Warmup
    The usuals with spikes of chatter with Tanas gigi arrival and Gooses wearing a crosscut necklace of cloth but mostly silent focus on preserving precious oxygen with furtive glances at YHCs entire cone collection in the big field being guarded by BAPs. Sooooon….

    To kickoff the shenanigans YHC explained the similarities between VBS stations and F3 and that we would train as group leaders today to get a taste of the action.

    Opening ceremony

    Needs to be high energy , get the blood pumping but also you need to run full speed backwards because you forgot your 2.0 shoes and he has not a care in the world of being barefoot in public.

    Indian run around the big loop with Nur to the front to take us to the Chimney.

    Game Station #1
    Hula Hoop Relay race

    Break into 3 teams
    1 team mate does hula hop to and around cone
    Rest of Team does 4 merkins, 4 sqats , 4 SSH , 4 BBSU (4x4x4x4 (tM)
    Until all complete and must slide the hula hoop down the line.
    Enron clearly ignored the PDF and instructional video YHC sent him about the 4x4x4x4 and he still had questions. Ya hate to see that from the self proclaimed smartest man in the room.
    In the end Team Goose took the title and gifted the losers with 25 monkey humpers, in an unrelated note we now cannot go within 100 feet of the St Joe carpool pickup line.

    To the tennis court

    Every great VBS must have catchy songs that get implanted into your brain and this week we talked with the kids a lot about listening to God for your call…

    Music Station #1
    “Call me maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen
    1 Merkin on “maybe” and “baby “
    Holding plank in a circle of pax and Pass the Hula Hoop with hands and feet.
    if it’s on you during call me maybe then you do 3 merkins.
    The pax got pretty good at passing that hula at lightning speed and WetTap has even adopted this as his on call theme song.

    Arts and Crafts Station #1

    Another vital part of VBS is a crafting station and no craft session is complete without rock paper and scissors. Pax paired up for escalating rounds of Rochamburpee with 2 more burpees for the loser each round till we reached 12. Not sure how everyone faired here but it seemed like burpees were enjoyed by all.

    Mosey to the Thunder dome

    Music Station #2
    Over the past 2 years selecting “F3 songs” has become a cherished pastime at YHCs house. There’s no definitive criteria but you know a really good one when you hear it. YHC recently stumbled upon the #SWT (Ronnie would later figure out this was Songs With Triggers) channel of f3 slack and uncovered an absolute gem.
    I needed a song to represent this weeks teaching of finding a quiet place to pray and it just so happened that Dean Summerwind had provided directions to a quiet lake where we could park just 80 miles from Santa Fe.

    “Parked by the Lake “
    Dean Summerwind
    Hold Al Gore with
    Bonnie Blair’s on “Parked”
    Tin Soldiers on “Santa Fe”
    Squats on “Lake”

    I hope it met Popeyes high expectations. It will be added to my F3 Song Hall of Fame as Diddle proclaimed it both right and just.

    Game Station #2
    Duck- Duck Goose
    Pax plank up in a circle facing outward. One pax selects a “Goose” by running around and tapping them on the head while the pax knock out plank related exercises (Merkin, plank jacks, MCs)
    The real honker himself got us started and we had Some close battles here with the Dawson 2.0s showing some serious evasive maneuvers.

    Arts and craft Station #2
    – color our ABCs
    PAX on our six with legs up to spell out VACATION BIBLE SCHOOOL (those Os are just too fun)

    Mosey to big field and as we turned the corner BAPS was seen and one pax yelled “is Jeaux here?”
    A simple question but it nearly derailed me as I couldn’t shake the image of YJ crouched in his van with binoculars and 1980s spy equipment writing down notes and mumbling “I knew it” .
    I composed myself and we arrived safely at the Grand Finale.

    Every VBS ends with a grand finale Friday where you showcase everything you learned through the week. So YHC unveiled the ultimate VBS obstacle course
    We split into two teams started some SSH and each team let one pax into the race at a time until they got to the minefield.
    BAPS provided “the final countdown” and We raced through..

    1. Dizzy bat
    2. Lunges
    3. Merkin minefield with CrawlBears (5 merkins if you knock down a cone)
    4. Broad jump burpees
    5. Suicide Trifecta (Nur, Run, Carioca)
    We grabbed our ever growing pile of gear and moseyed back to the flag for people’s choice Mary to represent your kids showing you all the stuff they learned during the week.
    Dr Ws, Penguins, Fred Merk, fire hydrants , WW1 sit-ups with Yote till the buzzer.

    Count o Rama, NamoRama
    GiGi found a new home with Ronnie and the Animal went back to the Goose nest with concerns that Crosscut was on his last microfiber.

    COT with continued prayers for the St Pierre family
    Goose prayed us out

    NMM

    YHC has a special place in his heart for VBS. Growing up it was always the mark of deep summer and where the seeds of my faith were first planted. (It’s where I picked up a love for relay races and obstacle courses!)
    It’s also a great reminder to me to search for simple yet profound truths and to strive for a childlike faith. Grateful for the men of F3 as we help each other walk a straighter path.

    PPS (Pickleteria PostScript) sponsored by Joola

    Following the beatdown several Pax gathered at the thunderDome for the first ever Pickleteria . Tana and Dilly graciously provided the pickleGear and all the fixings for Americas fastest growing game. In a thrilling opening match Team Dawson narrowly took down Threat Level Midnight 11-2. Acting manager of TLM Ronnie Lillich was optimistic for the teams growth during the post match interview: “Dox has a floppy wrist, plain and simple,I was carrying him. His mind was boggled about the kitchen and he lost his composure”. Sounds like TLM is going through a “rebuilding year” but a lot of league experts say Dox had a dollar store paddle. Ya hate to pickle with that.
    Well , It’s safe to say that the pickle fever has spread rapidly and the only question left is ..same time next week?

    SYITG
    Dox

  • I Ain’t No Hollaback Q! – from Yankee Joe

    For the love of Pete! Kids, turn off that durn radio television thing! I can’t hear myself think. I’m trying to type a summary brief of my exercise regimen I did with some other fellers this morning.

    What? It’s not a TV, it’s a tablet? Are you stupid? Do you see a chisel? I don’t care if you’re bored. Go outside! In my day, we would play outside all day. Hell, we were forced to sleep outside with the dogs. We drank hose water and lit M80’s while holding them in our mouth. We punched each other in the groin to say hello and ate grass for a snack. AND we were damn GRATEFUL for it. Grateful I tell you! We were tough as nails!

    What’s that you say? You didn’t know the tinted glitter sunscreen was for Dad’s perfectly manscaped chest? I guess you expect me to drive a golf cart down 30A with un-coiffed chest hair?

    What? You didn’t know that blood orange Perrier came from a garden hose? Go back to Navarre Beach if you want La Croix. I’m not raising peasants here.

    What do you mean you’re scared of my avocado-cucumber bro-mask? You think this skin tone just HAPPENS? Now shut your cute little pie holes…I’m trying to decide which organic tea to brew before my online Pilates class. Freakin’ kids…the minute I break out my typewriter…

    —————————

    YHC was planning on maybe 5 – 8 PAX for a humid Tuesday Tuff. Paradiddle suggested that it was cute that YHC thought 8 was a big showing. The beatdown was optimistically built for 10. At 5:10, 8 PAX were mulling around…and then they kept coming (some in minivans, some in brand new Mercedes SUV’s). With a minute to spare, we hit 14! YHC quickly started recalculating (while panicking) the beatdown logistics. It was going to be messy. It didn’t help that Paradox was in YHC’s ear singing 8 mile lyrics. Was this my one chance to blow? Then a 15th figure strolling up. Another FNG! YAY, but holy crap!

    That said, WELCOME to Bone Thug! It’s nice to FINALLY have a medical professional in the PAX now. I can’t imagine walking up to 14 strangers in the dark. Thug’s F3 name seems appropriate on many levels.

    Also, it’s really inspiring to see Honeysuckle, A merica’s Best, and Popeye all turning into regulars and providing some much needed maturity. (Shut up, Paradox. You’re a thick candy shell.) Seriously, you guys bring great energy, mumblechatter, and in Suckle’s case, a bunch of cinderblocks. It should be notet that Popeye was a huge part of F3 Thibodaux gaining momentum in the first place. Huge T-Claps. I hope the fruits of your early labor were clear to see this morning (Goose’s pastel crop top notwithstanding).

    ——————————

    CONTEXT

    In the era of “millennial songs,” we were subjected to a never-ending barrage of mind-numbing, soulless, and insipid compositions that represent the epitome of artistic decay. These so-called “songs” epitomize everything that is wrong with the modern music industry, where substance is traded for superficiality, and originality is replaced by generic formulas that appeal to the lowest common denominator.

    Ok, ok…that’s a bit much…especially coming from a 44-year old YHC who at one time in 8th grade thought Young MC, Tone Loc, and Vanilla Ice were prophets; that “She Drives Me Crazy” by the Fine Young Cannibals spoke my truth, and that Z Cavariccis with 75 pleats (and tight rolled around the ankles) was THE fashion here to stay. Fast forward a few years, and we won’t even bring up Oasis, Dave Matthews Band, Counting Crows, or the Black Eyed Peas. Yikes.

    ——————————

    THEME

    ANYWAY, lately, there seems to have been some confusion about those anthems which define generations. Per usual, the Gen Xers and Gen Zers don’t really care. It’s the Millennials, however, who always seem to be BEARing a grudge against their foreBEARers.

    I don’t blame them. If I was coming of age with Avril Lavigne hitting the scene instead of Guns n Roses, or BEARing the brunt of songs like “I kissed a Girl” instead of “Even Flow,” or groups like Blink 182 instead of…well any other group…ever, I’d be harboring some deeply confusing issues too. I’d be BEARing my chest and screaming “WHY oh WHY?” Of course, I’m BEARly scratching the surface here. But seriously, Justin Bieber? Just unBEARable.

    So, as Paradox (fine, he’s a medical “professional”), who is diligent about the PAX wellbeing, would say…”The PAX needed healing.” BUT what kind of bridge could we bring to BEAR that would connect our generations? Could these 30-somethings BEAR to hear the truth? Or would we have to BEAR down and drop reality bombs? BEAR. BEAR. BEAR.

    YHC’s 2.0’s offered the answer as they sang along to ‘We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.” The story was originally introduced in a 1989 book and then remade in a 2015 cartoon, neatly connecting the Gen Xers, Millennials, Gen Zers, and every other group in between and following.

    So to take these important steps in healing, we’re going on a millennial…er I mean a BEAR hunt this morning. F3 style.

    Call it a journey through lyrical crap.

    —————————-

    THE BEATDOWN

    Thang 1: Climbing the Mountain (Stage to Sidewalk)

    We’re goin’ on a millennial hunt,
    We’re going to catch a big one,
    I’m not scared
    What a beautiful gloom!
    Oh look! It’s a scarrrry mountain shaped like a desperate cry for help!

    Can’t go under it,
    Can’t go around it,
    Got to go through it,
    Gotta go over it with a bunch of stupid coupon exercises!

    Burpee penalty – Avril Lavigne – Skatr Boi (penalty averted by Paradiddle)

    10 man makers (45 sec)
    20 overhead presses (40 sec)
    30 curls (20 sec)
    40 merkins (60 sec) /
    30 curls (20 sec)
    20 overhead presses (40 sec)
    10 man makers (45 sec)
    Al Gore cheering on SIX

    —————————–
    Thang 2 – Narrow Pass (Sidewalk to Stage)

    We’re goin’ on a millennial hunt,
    We’re going to catch a big one,
    I’m not scared
    What a beautiful gloom!
    Oh look! It’s a really narrow pass, so narrow, too narrow for north louisiana egoes to pass through!

    Can’t go over it,
    Can’t go under it,
    Can’t go around it,
    Got to go through it – with a crap load of leg exercises and burpees!

    Teams of 8
    First two teams Block and Bears to mid point; other teams chilcutt peter parkers
    – 20 apollo ono’s 2:1 – all (1 min)
    – 20 prisoner squats
    – 20 bonnies 2:1
    Block and Bears to Stage (next group goes when prior team begins last exercise)
    – Chilcutt peter parkers while waiting

    —————————-
    Punishment Song (just because) – LMFAO – I’m Sexy and I Know It
    – SSH on verses
    – Burpee on “look at that body”
    – Star jump on “I, I, I work out”
    – Hillbilly walkers on “I’m sexy and I know it”
    – Fast high knees on “wiggle, wiggle, wiggle”

    Coupon mosey to top track half point of field, roadside

    —————————–
    Thang 3 – Cross the field (Across short field, roadside)

    We’re goin’ on a millennial hunt,
    We’re going to catch a big one,
    I’m not scared
    What a beautiful gloom!
    Oh look! It’s a beautiful field full of the dying culture of 30 somethings!

    Can’t go over it,
    Can’t go under it,
    Can’t go around it,
    Got to murder bunny through it!

    Burpee penalty – Katy Perry – I Kissed a Girl (didn’t get a chance to play, because YHC is old and forgot)

    Murder bunny to halfway
    – 25 coupon LBCs
    – 25 coupon flutters (2:1)
    – 25 freddie mercs (2:1)
    Murder bunny to street

    ———————————
    Thang 4 – Traverse the River (Across street)

    We’re goin’ on a millennial hunt,
    We’re going to catch a big one,
    I’m not scared
    What a beautiful gloom!
    Oh look! It’s a raging river of passive aggressive Chackbay snark!

    Can’t go over it,
    Can’t go under it,
    Can’t go around it,
    Got to rifle carry coupons through it!

    Burpee penalty – Gwen Stefani – Holla Back Girl (didn’t play because of time constraints)

    Rifle carry/Groucho Walk (side to side squat) across street
    Mosey left to corner, leaving Cindies

    Uh, oh! It’s dark in here.
    I feel something,
    It has lots of quaffed hair!
    It’s soft like a douche bag! With two heads!
    AHHHHH It’s Justin Bieber and Sean Kingston!

    Song: Eenie Meenie (aka top five worst songs in history)
    – Plank jacks on intro (you need to read this crap)
    – Mtn Climbers on Mind, Time, Wind
    – Groiners on refrain

    —————————————
    COT, GiGi was passed from Superfun(d) to Paradox (again), we welcomed Bone Thug, and Wet Tap prayed us out.

    One of YHC’s research streams is around market segments and generational trends. Of course, it is helpful to have reference points as styles and fashions come and go. At the end of the day, however, it’s just not that complicated. The good stuff sticks around and the crappy stuff dies. It’s always been about quality. So, no need to continue this generational feud. We just need to be on the same page that high quality music disappeared around 1994.

    Today was a bit of a dumpster fire, but I am genuinely grateful and always humbled to fight the good fight with each of you.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux