F3 New Orleans

Tag: Bolt

  • F3 Justice – from Kuch

    F3 Regional Court – View District

    In the View District Court of F3 New Orleans

    ————————————————————–
    F3 Nola,
    Petitioner,
    v.
    Jeffrey “Kuch” Green
    Respondent
    ———————————————————-

    Kenner (America’s City), USA

    Friday, Oct. 29th, 2021

    APPEARANCES:

    The Honorable Boudreaux T. Hawgcycle, III, Pontiff, F3 NOLA; on behalf of the Petitioner.
    Fracsac, The View, F3 NOLA; on behalf of the Petitioner.
    Jefferey “Kuch” Green; LVCCC, F3 NOLA; the Respondent.
    Mambi, Hokie, Mahatma, Bear, Kennah Bruh, War Eagle, Bolt, Triple Shift as witnesses

    DISCLAIMER AND WARM-UP
    (5:30 AM)

    PROCEEDINGS
    (5:35 AM)

    Judge Hawgcycle: We will hear the argument in case 21-003, F3 NOLA vs. Jeffery “Kuch” Green. Mr. Kuch, allegations have been brought forth that you are a slick talking, yoga posing, Bernie Sanders loving, no good, Yankee lawyer. These are serious allegations and will be discussed at length throughout this morning’s trial. In keeping with a tradition of the court we will open this session with 15 burpees on your own. Proceed.
    The courtroom does 15 burpees. Bailiff Fracsac ensures that burpees end with a clap, adhering to courtroom regulations.

    Judge Hawgcycle: I submit the first allegation against Mr. Kuch. It has been discovered that in early 2018, Mr. Kuch visited a Yankee website to look up exercise names. After visiting said website, he proceeded to name running up a levee backwards “The Bernie Sanders.” The court contends that Mr. Kuch had no authority in naming this exercise. Let the records show that as early as 2016 this exercise, commonly performed at the City Park District AO Okwata, had been referred to by the name “Quadraphilia,” by the good men of F3 NOLA. If it pleases the court (and it does) everyone will now participate in a round of Quadraphilia. By definition this exercise will last 4 minutes.

    The Court did a round of Quadraphilia

    Judge Hawgcycle: I submit the second allegation against Mr. Kuch. It appears Mr. Kuch has started a non-F3 workout with only F3 participants. This is the bi-weekly Broga workout occurring in the City Partk District of F3 NOLA. This is an unsanctioned workout, but because of the F3 only participation, it has caused a great deal of confusion in the greater community. Article I of the Core Principles is clearly broken. The workout is not free. Adherence to Article IV of the Core Principals is questionable at best. The workout is led by the same gentleman each time, Mark “Pretzel” Berger. Mr. Pretzel is an acquaintance of the Court and his F3ness is clearly in question. Now if it pleases the court (and it clearly does) I will lead the court in a round of F3 NOLA Style Yoga to provide an example of how one should properly pay for a beatdown….through pain.

    The Court did the following exercises:
    • Downward Dog Merkins x 20
    • Warrior I Bonnie Blairs x 5

    At this time the court yields the floor to the Respondent:

    MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT:

    Kuch: the charges against me are serious, and I apologize to this Honorable Court and the Metry contingent on hand for the following:

    • Any time one of your wives saw me in one of my super hot tank tops and accidentally called you Kuch during intimate conversations during the following week.
    • For all of those times you got home and didn’t have to throw your $100 pair of tennis shoes in the dryer or place them on the outside A/C unit.
    • For using the exicon in an attempt to bring more variety to workouts and to make them more interesting.
    • For giving you an opportunity to gain mobility and prevent injuries.
    • For giving you a safe place to wear your yoga pants.

    In my defense, I come before the Court with exercises I believe will please Sheriff Frac Sac.
    The thang: 9 minute ascending EMOM burpee pyramid starting at 6 burpees and going through 14. On the dark side of the levee with visibility low, appropriate tunes were selected: Metallica’s “One” on repeat throughout the 9 minutes. Mumblechatter ensued. T-claps to the 4 people who got every single burpee. It was dark, but I recall Triple Shift, Sheriff Frac, The Hon. Hawgcycle, and one more (maybe Mahatma?)

    I reserve the remainder of my time for rebuttal:

    THE MORE SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS

    Judge Hawgcycle: It is the understanding of this court that Mr. Kuch has manipulated dozens of men in the greater New Orleans area using aggressive, psychological techniques. Through his manipulation he has convinced them to leave their comfortable, yet joyless lives, and follow him in the Gloom of F3 NOLA. Mr. Kuch’s aggressive behavior does not stop there. He constantly terrorizes men, texting them each evening to pressure them into posting in the Gloom. He is known to arrive in their driveway, yanking them from the comforts of their home and taking them to that morning’s workout. There have been allegations that he has an organized a car pool ring, known only as the LVCC, that terrorizes the Lakeview Community every weekday morning. The court does not take these allegations lightly. If it pleases the court (and it obviously does) we will now participate in an exercise to prove how psychotic this man is. May I have a volunteer?

    Kennah-Bruh raised his hand

    6 cones(representing the men of this world) were set out about 10 yards apart along the bike path. Kennah-Bruh played the role of Kuch and it was his job to make sure each cone was standing. All other members of the court represented the Cares of the World and their job was to knock the cones down. After knocking a cone over, you run to the top of the levee, then you can come back and knock cones over again.

    We did this for about 4 minutes. Kennah-Bruh worked valiantly to keep the cones upright, but he was unable to do so. At this point Kennah-Bruh petitioned the court for assistance.

    Mambi joined Kennah-Bruh and over the next 3 minutes they worked together to keep the cones upright. They had better results, but many cones continued to be knocked down.

    Triple Shift petitioned the court to join Mambi and Kennah-Bruh. With three men monitoring 6 cones it was more difficult for the Cares of the World to knock cones down. It became clear by then end of the exercise that anything greater than a one-to-one ratio of Kuchs to cones would be optimal. The court rests upon the argument that this is the goal of Kuch, to create an army of men in Lakeview that are constantly protecting the well-being of others.

    IN MY FURTHER DEFENSE:

    I throw myself at the mercy of this Court and acknowledge the seriousness of the transgressions, especially the yoga. Who could have known when this all started that only months later, F3 men would be showing up to workouts in yoga pants and their newest Lululemon attire. I take no joy in the yoga-fying of f3 New Orleans, and again in my defense, I think most of the uptown guys already had a considerable amount of Lululemon athleticasual wear for all seasons. I suggest it could have been worse – I’ve never made a man wear Notre Dame shoes. I don’t get people’s feet wet when I Q. There is a lot respect for shoes in the LVCC. I’ve never asked a man to take a 12-hour stroll with a 30-pound backpack or run 100 miles through the damn woods. But still, in light of the charges against me, with my last act as champion of this AO, soon to deposed, I set my sights on one final goal.

    Now, some may say this goal is completely out of reach, like teaching the blind to see or the deaf to hear. I prefer to think of it as a “lifetime project,” something that we know will take many many eons to attain, but remains attainable, in theory at least, nonetheless. That goal: Bring a modicum of frisbee competency to Metry.

    The thang: Gather in a circle, 2 in the middle, guys in the circle pass the frisbee around, and everytime it hits the ground, 5 merks for everyone in the circle and 2 new people in the middle. There. Were. Many. Merkins. I lost count quickly. However, as time went on, we were able to string together some rallies, so I feel like we took an important step. We will see next time we all step on the field.

    In all seriousness, briefly: Thanks for having me fellas. Thanks for a truly unique and creative beatdown, Hawg. Thanks for the encouragement, and thanks for bearing with me for the stuff that did not work as well. Frisindian run…. Enjoyed spending some time with my Metry brothers. I will be back. Congrats to Hawg, truly a HIM.

    VERDICT:

    Court was adjourned around the flag of the United States of America. After instructions from the lead juror, Mr. Mambi, the jury quickly returned a unanimous guilty verdict on all counts. It is hereby proclaimed by this court that Mr. Kuch has been found guilty of being a slick talking, yoga posing, Bernie Sanders loving, Clown Car driving, Emotional Headlocking, Accountability Providing, Encouraging, High Impact Man and is hearby relieved of his duties as the Champion Q of F3 New Orleans and is sentenced to 6 months of Community Service in the Pontiff District teaching the most uncoordinated men in the F3 NOLA region the fundamentals of Frisbee.

  • Leadership Exemplified – from Hawgcycle

    Conditions: 72 degrees, 98% Humidity, Wind 2 mph from the SSE.

    Many times the Disclaimer is mumbled at the start of the workout, something like “I’m not a professional trainer, push yourself don’t hurt yourself, follow me.” But what makes for a good disclaimer? It’s really the Q’s first act of leadership in the workout. So it’s worth giving some thought to it and using it to set the tone. The bare minimum that you want to accomplish with the disclaimer is to attempt and disavow yourself from any liability if things go terribly wrong in the workout. Now, I am not a lawyer, and I am fairly certain that a no-good, unscrupulous, slick, Yankee lawyer like Kuch could easily side step our good intentions and find a way to use the law to his advantage, but at least you will have tried. So the basic starting point of the Disclaimer is to inform the Pax that:

    • You are not a professional trainer
    • They are all present on their own accord
    • They are responsible for their own well being
    • That the workout may involve times where caution must be exercised (strenuous physical activity, running in the dark, uneven ground, lifting heavy objects, etc.)
    • That they should modify the exercises at any point if they believe their safety is in Jeopardy and that they can seek your advice for such modifications if needed (all the while remembering that you are not a professional trainer and that it was your original direction that lead them to this place of peril in the first place).

    That’s the bare minimum, but a good Q will use the Disclaimer for much more. Our number one goal as Q is to make sure everyone makes it through the workout safely. In addition to the minimum disclaimer, give any specific safety advice needed at this point. For example, if it is a running workout, talk about busy intersections, making sure you are running against traffic, and not leaving anyone to run alone. Make sure someone in the group has a phone. Assign someone to watch out for the six if needed.

    If you want to go above and beyond, this is a good time to reinforce the mission and core principles of F3, especially if new guys are present. If you have planned an interactive workout, you can also take this time to forewarn the pax of questions you may ask during the workout, e.g., what is the mission of F3, what are the five core principles, why did you post this morning, etc…

    Not all disclaimers will be the same, but you know when you hear a good one. When they are really good, they become a topic of conversation. After I gave the disclaimer this morning, we ran to the rock pile. I could hear Rev Sox and Boo Boo discussing the merits of the disclaimer I had just given. They wondered aloud if the new leadership would meet this level of excellence. Personally, I believe they can, but please, don’t get too disappointed if it takes a while.

    Near the rock pile, we circled up for the warm-up. I led the group in 31 SSHs in honor of our playground’s namesake, followed by 15 Imperial Walkers. After that, we did a series of plank like exercises in succession (15 Peter Parkers, 15 Mountain Climbers, and 15 Parker Peters). Back on our feet, we closed it out with 15 grass grabbers and 10 Windmills.

    The Thang

    I spent months preparing for this Q. I read (and re-read) the book Primal Endurance by Mark Sisson. There is a great chapter in the book focused on Maximum Sustained Power. By taking some basic MSP concepts and adapting them to Rock City, I developed today’s workout. The basic principles were to find a heavy rock (mine was marked 52) and do the prescribed exercises at maximum speed. We would hopefully come close to our maximum power output in each set. We used a stack to form the basis of the workout and gave ourselves about 20 seconds to recover between sets. We gave our selves a two-minute recovery time between stacks starting with the 4th stack.

    This was the workout with approximate reps included. Some may have done more or less:

    • 5 Manmakers
    • 5 Manmakers, 10 Shoulder Presses
    • 5 Manmakers, 10 Shoulder Presses, 15 Squats
    • Recovery – Plank, Tree Pose each leg
    • 5 Manmakers, 10 Shoulder Presses, 15 Squats, 20 Curls
    • Recovery – Southern Gentleman, Yankee Aggressor, Karate Kid each leg
    • 5 Manmakers, 10 Shoulder Presses, 15 Squats, 20 Curls, 25 Rows
    • Recovery – Reverse Plank, Warrior III each leg
    • 5 Manmakers, 10 Shoulder Presses, 15 Squats, 20 Curls, 25 Rows, 30 Bench Presses
    • Recovery – 10 Nolan Ryans each side

    After this, we did some balance work. I listened to an hour-long podcast in preparation for this Q that discussed the value of unbalanced work and core stability. In an effort to build those intrinsic muscles responsible for so much of our balance and stability we performed the following:

    • Curls x 5 with one foot off the ground…flapjack
    • Shoulder presses x 5 with one foot off the ground…flapjack
    • Rows in Warrior III x 5….flapjack

    We finished with some Core work – 20 LBCs, 15 flutters, 10 side crunches each side.
    Then we headed back to the flag.

    NMM

    About 25 minutes into the workout, Bolt prostrated himself. Was he injured? Should I check on him? Possibly, but unlikely. It seemed more likely that he was new to the Islamic faith and it was time for his morning prayer. How did I know he was new to the faith? He was totally facing the wrong way, unless he was trying to face Mecca, TX. I politely paused the workout and offered that East was the other direction. Leadership exemplified

    At one point, a train stopped on the tracks. One of the young women, running in the park needed to get back across the tracks. As soon as Rudy saw this, he dropped his rock and ran toward her and the train to offer his assistance. He is a gentleman and a scholar…well, at least a gentleman. The young woman seemed to recognize him as he sprinted toward her yelling “Perv! Perv!” Did she confuse Paul with Perv? We will never know. Just as he arrived the train started back up, she yelled “God help me!” (which Bolt had already been praying for), threw herself under the train and disappeared.

    On the way back to the flag, I EH’d a dog walker. I told him we meet in the park everyday at 5:30. He said, “I know (pause…sigh) you all park in my yard.” I feel good that he will join us in the gloom.

    After the workout, I had to pay up on a bet to Hand Grenada for the Ole Miss – Arkansas game. One burpee for every point scored in the game. Arkansas lost the game 51-52. Hand Grenada made me yell “Hoddy Toddy” as I completed each burpee, otherwise he wouldn’t count them. I got to 53 burpees before I had to take a break. At that time, Hand Grenada yelled “No breaks! Start over!” I was too gassed to protest. Looking a lot like Paul Neman’s character in Cool Hand Luke, I wearily began the burpees over. Fortunately, for Cool Hand Hawg, Rudy and Mahatma jumped in to tell Hand Grenada that he was being unreasonable. They pleaded to him to show me mercy and that his demands were jeopardizing my safety. Hand Grenada explained that my mistake was made when I made the bet. If I was not willing to pay up, regardless of the physical harm I may undergo, I should have never made the bet. Rudy and Mahatma continued to grovel for my mercy until Hand Grenada exclaimed, “Weak…I have to go to work. Parten – I’ll see you at El Diablo.”

  • Dancing with the Devil at El Diablo – from Triple Shift

    Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
    Two are better than one,
    because they have a good return for their labor:
    If either of them falls down,
    one can help the other up.
    But pity anyone who falls
    and has no one to help them up.

    One of the main things I love about F3 is the brotherhood that gets forged when working out with another man. As you know, the immediate unknown of Covid-19 caused many to forego the gloom from a health perspective. Unfortunately, from my observation, many members have foregone the gloom from a habit perspective. Today, I wanted to incorporate a partner workout to bring back what I enjoyed the most about F3….shared suffering.

    Warmup
    Twelve other men joined me as we warmed up around the track doing butt kicks, high knees, side shuffles, and cariocas and then headed to the rock pile. We started with 31 SSH then 10 eight count squats, and 10 eight count merkins. After the warmup, I directed the PAX to get a heavy rock and head to the goal line on the football field.

    The Thang
    We partnered up for 25 Patty Cake Merkins, 25 BBSU, 10 Bulgarian Split Squats (Pax 1 is kneeling on the ground with one knee forward and one knee backward while Pax 2 props his back foot on Pax 1 front knee and performs the Split Squat), and finally the crowd pleaser of 10 Nordic Hamstring Curls.

    After we finished up those exercises, we performed the ‘Tortoise and the Hare B.O.M.B.S.’ on the football field. Pax 1 carries the heavy rock down the field to the other goal line while Pax 2 does 5 Burpees. After Pax 2 completes his five burpees, he runs and tags Pax 1 (who now does 5 burpees) to take the heavy rock and continues walking until he gets to the end of the field and then turns around to walk back. After the 5 Burpees, the next exercise is 10 Outlaws (think O Mary), 15 Merkins, 20 BBSU, and then 25 Squats until everyone finishes.

    Time is running short so we mosey back to the rock pile to circle up and perform 10 straight leg deadlifts (8 count). Head back to the starting point and finish up with 5 big boy sit ups then stand up without the use of your hands.

    Countoff, Namerama, and COT
    I thanked the PAX for allowing me to lead and I closed out with a prayer for God to provide healing and peace for all those struggling with disease and the difficult time we live in.

  • RevSox – the Prophet – from Rudy

    5:23am. That’s what time it was when YHC realized he had the Q. Just drove up to RockCity in the gloom. Getting out of the car, taking one last peek at the phone. Lo and Behold: calendar reminder that its my Q this am. Quick! Think! I’ve got one go-to Rock City exercise routine. A good time killer.

    Little did I know at this time that RevSox had predicted EXACTLY this Rudy workout at 3:40pm the day before. If YHC had paid attention to Slack, I would have known both that I had the Q and that I had better devise something new. But alas, RevSox apparently knows me too well. Better than I know myself, even.

    So 8 men (including Marlin again – maybe he’s becoming a regular!) welcomed the new week, and departed into the gloom for “The Usual”.

    Warm up at the Rock Pile with SSH, Stretching, some Peter Parkers, some Glute work till I got bored. Grab a rock, lets go.

    The Thang: 11s with Shoulder Presses and Curls mixed in. Not sure what this is? Either search my backblasts, or ask RevSox. He’ll tell you.

    Next: Core work. 2 PAX mosey off to pull-ups while the remaining PAX do an in-cadence core exercise. Flutters, Matahtma-X’s, Cockroaches and something else. Throw in some Wife Pleasers to work those glutes.

    Finally: Diver Down at the stairwell. Rows. “Diver Up” (Diver Down, but irkins, going up). More Rows. Then get them rocks back and get back to the flag.

    Wrap up around the virtual flag.

  • 4 Good men making a better world – from Kenna Brah

    Warm up
    Light Jog, Butt Kicker, High Knees
    Hillbillies 30x
    Toy Soldier 30x
    Arm Circles 30x each move
    Rnd 1
    3 Rnds – 1 Min each ( 15 min )
    1. 4 Cones Jog around
    2. SSH
    3. Left/Right Over Cones
    4. Straight Sit up – Arms out
    Rnd 2- Pavilion – 1 Min each exercise 3 Rnds
    Decline Merkins
    Single Leg Squats
    Ring Rows
    Side Leaning Pulls
    Xtra
    10 – Kneeling Getups
    On Knees Feet brace – lean forward
    Walk Back
    Balance work and squats on curb

    Announcement/Intentions/Prayer

  • Go West–ward Ho, Young Man – from Bolt

    Among a sea of bucket trucks 5 F3 pax welcomed FNG, Flav-A-flav, in true NOLA style with representation from Uptown, Lakeview, KennA, and the Ridge

    Warmup IC: SSH (32), Abe SLOWgodas, arm circles forward/back, tclaps, overhead claps, self love (all 20x); Toy soldiers, (15x)

    The thang—DORA: merkins, squats, plank jump (bear crawl out/crab walk back for switch)

    What’s the reward for finishing DORA, waiting on the six you ask: plank and wait?SSH? Recover? NONSENSE! Take a 20 count and let the deca die of pain dictate your fate. YHC was the six so I’m unable to chronicle the exact exercise sequences of the almighty die and I can confirm there were considerable muffled groans and calls for re-rolls due to the same misery coming up twice and probably some numeric modifications. I’ll consult with the deca die to confirm.

    Finish with Mary: dying cockroaches, LBCs, penguins on YHC’s count which was basically following versus of Zac Brown’s “Toes” rather than an actual number and I’m unsure the Pax caught on although I knew they knew something was up when their rep count kept jumping up by doubles, triples, tens, etc. Close out with stretching for those of us getting back into the swing post-pandurrication and coming off injuries. Close out with COT…until next time.

  • Sweaty Bells: Equatorial Edition – from Bolt

    24 days had passed since my trek to the Equator disrupted consistent F3 workouts and the Fartsack follies began, so for my third workout I granted Kong’s request to Q. Arriving at a timely 6:29:43, Satchmo and I moseyed to the PAX eager for a timely start, as I called out the disclaimer. Joining the circle and fumbling with the promised audio we began with suuuper-slow Abe Vigodas followed by bat wings, SSH, and shoulder taps.

    From our home base at the statue we carried our bells to the equatorial region formerly known as little oak alley.

    PAX were stoked to do 11s between the hemispheres starting with goblet squats at the Southern Hemisphere light poles and merkins at the Northern Hemisphere light poles. Moving south to north was accomplished like a sea lion (bear crawl) and moving north to south as a Galapagos crab (walk) for some extra misery as the music played, both taunting us and inspiring us; I did promise “minimal=zero” running.

    YHC was pleased to see everyone living out Darwin’s theory: adapting to overcome.

    Mosey back to our local naturalist, JJ Audubon’s statue to circle up and finish with Mary as diverse as Galapagos flora and fauna: each PAX pick their favorite core exercise and AMRAP for 2:15, nonstop. COT; thanks for letting me lead and breaking the fartsack follies.

  • The Ruck Suck, No Joy at the Joy – from Bolt

    YHC was thrilled he switched with Frac for today’s Q bc at 5:28 it looked like he would’ve been solo otherwise. True to NOLA roots 2 more PAX rolled in hot before the disclaimer while the fifth/final one, Papa Smurf joined during our first warm up exercise:

    Warmup IC: SSH (25x),arm circles forward/back, tclaps, seal claps, Moroccan night clubs, self love; Abe Vigodas, Toy soldiers, Hillbillies (15x), static hold Jamie stretch (center, R/L leg over leg)

    Mosey over levee with rucks plus Sweetness splayed out across Papa Smurf’s shoulders who would be his partner (sans ruck) for the suck.

    For time (20 min): add 5 reps to each exercise in the next round.
    * 5 x Burpees (Ruck on Back)
    * 5 x Squats (Ruck on Front or Back)
    * 5 x 4-Count Mountain Climbers (Ruck on Back)
    * 5 x Push-Ups (Ruck on Back)
    * 5 x Sit-Ups (Ruck on Front)
    * 5 x Ruck Curls

    Props to Kennah Brah for getting into the round of 30 reps!

    Mosey back over levee to flag for 4 min of Mary 45/15 tabata style)

    Close it out with all the trimmings. (COT)

  • Uptown(er) Beat Down – from Bolt

    Warmup IC (to Rapper’s Delight): Windmills, SSH, arm circles forward/back, tclaps, seal claps, Moroccan night clubs, self love (all 20x); Toy soldiers, IW (15x)

    The Thang:
    Mosey to gym and grab some wall for a plank to the song Bodies Hit the Floor: plank>donkey kick title>merkin the count>plank between

    With moisture in our foreheads it was time to mosey to the rock pile and select medium rocks and three heavy ones.

    Rocks in pairs at stations lined up with each tree along the parking lot. 2 PAX doing 20 reps/exercise: chest press, overhead press, squats, triceps press, curls

    Return to pile and finish with 30 dying cockroaches before a mosey to flag for the standard closing.