F3 New Orleans

Category: CSAUPs

  • F3 Northshore 2nd Anniversary Convergence Pre-Blast

    Come one, come all…the F3 Northshore 2nd Anniversary Convergence is this Saturday, April 14th.  We will meet on the Mandeville Lakefront at 0630 as always and employ the use of mechanical devices knows as “bicycles” to visit all of the Northshore AOs for some birthday beat down action.  Please bring your bike if possible.  If you don’t have one, don’t worry.  We’ve arranged for some extras.  YHC just needs a head count if possible so reach out via DM on Group Me or via text at 985-630-8463 to reserve your wheels.  The Plan is to be back on the Lakefront for our coffeeteria by 0830.  Will everything go according to The Plan?  Probably not, but you’ll have to post to find out.  See you in the Gloom.

  • A CSAUP Convergence in the Mud

    Well, the day was finally upon us. With a 50% chance of rain it was anybody’s guess what the weather would do. But when it’s called Tough Mudder, either way is good. The clown cars converged at NOLA Motor Park and the clowns met up just inside the official Tough Mudder grounds. The southshore boys called a last minute audible.With Fracsac having to pull out, Cowbell, was and easy EH to grab his spot. Speaking of last minute, YHC pulled up to the meeting spot to see that none other than the elusively nomadic Butt Splice had joined the party, having bought his ticket yesterday.

    Due to the race being 12 mud-filled miles long, not to mention this guy’s exhausted brain, I won’t list all the obstacles, but give a greatest hits and honorable mentions overview.

    Like ripping off a band aid, the 1st obstacle thrown at us was Kiss of Mud 2.o, involving an army crawl under barbed wire through the soupy mud. Butt Splice was fully submerged and in heaven!

    The Hero Carry obstacle (which was much easier the 1st time around) found us carrying our partner about 50 or so yards, then switching for the next 50. Strategically speaking we tried to match up size-wise with Steve/Tanked Up, Butt Splice/Gabrielle, Shooter/Walleye, Bushwacker/Ocho (had I only known this deceptively sized man was actually heavier than the solid Shooter, I might have chosen more wisely), and Reluctant Yankee/Cowbell. Jingle Vader paired up with a random to complete the obstacle.

    Much better acquainted, the fun continued.

    Somewhere along the way, we chanced on a solo mudder who by some stoke of good fortune joined our  regal ranks on this muddy mission. This bald bruiser (sorry the alliteration is addictive) was visiting Nawlins with his lovely wife (who was a loyal spectator) from Chattanooga, TN. An easy Eh and a great F3 fit to round the crew out at 12.

    There were more muddy water-filled pits, walls, hay bales, nets and unpredictable terrain in store for our daring band of F3 brothers. The course lent itself to some quality mumble chatter that added to the intrinsic appreciation of the experience. Speaking of mumble chatter, between Gabrielle and Ocho’s slew of  salacious interactions with random members of the fairer sex, I’m surprised we didn’t walk away from the course with our own fan club. Or better yet, a new cadre of FIA recruits!

    Not that we didn’t all have an appreciation for the females we ran into. A bunch of us made a new friend in a medical assistant at the Trench Warfare obstacle when we gave her a big F3 group hug, sharing all the muddy goodness we had to offer…especially Ocho.

    There were back busting back flips and reverse swan dives at the Shawshank obstacle. This one was quite refreshing!

    At Everest 2.0 we joined the waiting crowd in an attempt to scale the slick quarter pipe and, with the assistance of the previous victors, to mount the 15′ summit. In an attempt to get up quickly and help some folks, F3 and otherwise, YHC skirted the waiting onlookers and made a few unsuccessful shots at the top. In between tries, many, especially the tall gents, were making it look like child’s play. I returned to the fold to find Ocho back on the ground after having already made the ascent. Butt Splice had inadvertently pulled him back down as he tried, in vain, to make it up. With the brilliant Walleye extending his lengthy arms towards the next contestants, the guys one by one made it up. After an embarrassingly  high number of failed tries, this now bruised and battered Q joined his comrades in victory.

    Anyone who knows anything about the tough mudder knows that that one of the most anticipated , and feared, obstacles is the Electroshock! While most of us caught a shock or 2, poor Shooter, who had almost made it through with only 1 zap, took a shot that rung his bell. Being St.Patty’s day, the luck of the Irish must have been shining on Steve, Reluctant Yankee and Jingle Vader (hope I got that right), because they got through scott free. We were all entertained as we prepared to move on by a bald, hardcore ranter who got tagged in the face and many other places as he worked his way through – SON OF A BITCH!

    At the last obstacle, Happy Ending, we ran into fellow F3 Saxon who, along with Jesse from Chattanooga, Ocho, and Butt Splice, formed the base and extension of our human ladder that helped a lot of recently rinsed fools get to the top. Eventually we retrieved our magnanimous brothers and slid down the other side to cross the finish line, arms locked.

    As we gathered post-race with out victory beers (and recovery drinks) in hand to close out with a COT, we were in a unique and enviable position to name an out-of-state FNG. Welcome Big Easy to the F3 Nation! We hope he returns to Chattanooga and hits up one of the 5 area posts up that way. Thanks to Butt Splice for his emotionally aroused prayer to take us out.

    Gentlemen, despite some bumps and bruises this was an extraordinary adventure, and I am blessed to have taken the journey with each of you. Many thanks for following my lead to the starting line today.

  • Krazy Ivan 2018

    The events depicted in this Backblast are completely stupid and utterly pointless.  Any similarity to events which are neither stupid nor pointless is purely coincidental.  

    No animals were harmed in the running of the Krazy Ivan.

    The Inagural Northshore Krazy Ivan CSAUP went off as planned, sort of.  The Northshore won, the Southshore whined, and it was….warm??!!??  The lack of frigid conditions made for a slightly less stupid but still rather pointless event.  Next year, we will aim higher.  Without further ado…

    Twenty men gathered at the gazebo on the Mandeville lakefront on a beautiful, starry, breezy Saturday evening: 15 Northshore PAX, 1 Northshore Scorekeeper, and 4 Southshore PAX.  Lots of mumble chatter, a bit of trash talk, and some ogling at the Freedom Hammer ensued.  Somewhere around 2100, as the PAX waited for Triple Shift to open the needle valve to bleed some pressure (a little oilfield lingo, there), THE Manny rung the bovine bell.  Some quick instructions from YHC, including a warning of low visibility, potentially questionable footing, an offer of flashlights (offer summarily rejected), and the PAX gathered at the starting line.  Hawg mumbled something about the Gnarly Nutria always beginning on time.  Uh huh.

     

    With another ringing of the bovine bell, THE Manny released the hounds.  Turbo, Backdraft, Steve and all the other skinny dudes went out guns blazing.  Out and back to the west end seawall x 3 was the course.  The easterly breeze made for a nice tailwind on the way out that was as appreciated as was the equal and opposite headwind was loathed on the way back.  That is, unless you were Triple Shift.  You see, Triple Shift had a strategy, folks: get right on the heals of a really good looking, husky PAX and run in his ample slipstream the entire race, save for the last 50 yards when you turn on the reserves and blast past him.  So if you think about it, Triple owes YHC one of his points.  But more on the (contested) scoring later.

     

    The course was dark, sometimes nearly pitch black.  Although Orian’s belt and the waxing crescent were quite visible, the running path was at times not.  As 19 PAX trekked and traversed back and forth, forth and back, we passed those both ahead and behind us, those who lapped and those who got lapped.  This afforded the PAX opportunity to root for, hiss at, tease, encourage, or mock those we were passing.  I can speak for Triple, as he was behind me the entire time benefitting from all my hard work I mean seriously did I mention that already I mean it’s not a big deal that he got one more point than I did but really when you think about it I should at least be added to his Christmas card list but whatever I’m not bitter or anything.  Particular attentiveness and night vision skills were needed to navigate the last two tenths of the west end.  YHC had specifically warned the PAX about this risky, questionable section of the course.  So it’s a good thing that YHC himself did not take a tumble and nearly bust his ass on the exact part of the course on which the warning was issued.  That would be ironic.  Dontcha think.

    At the finish line, the PAX again gathered and coalesced.  Fracsac volunteered for Safety Caboose, finishing up the race and also ensuring that no man was left behind, injured, abducted, or absconded with.  Thanks Frac.  THE Manny tallied up the score and announced a 176-31 Northshore victory; looks of mistrust appeared on a few faces.  Perhaps that was because they were expecting a 177-31 loss.  But, abiding by the only rule of the Krazy Ivan – run the race in a tank top – THE Manny exercised legislative, judicial, and executive powers and stripped Turtle of his single point for finishing the race in a hooded sweatshirt.  Coutoramma, Nameorama, BOM, and off to The Barley Oak for some F2.

    At the BO, drinks were had an all was merry.  Tomatoes tested the neck twisting and head turning capabilities of Captain Sparkles (ok, his were not the only capabilities tested…hellLLOOO black dress).  An impromptu yet formal meeting of the F3 Rules Committee adjudicated on the ability to move an AO once it is established.  Verdict: negative ghost rider, pattern’s full brah.  At this point, Hawg petitioned the Rules Committee for a formal, third party review and calculation of the night’s score.  THE Manny’s honour in question, YHC immediately began the process.  Third party results are in, proving that you should sometimes watch what you ask for.  The final, certified, verified, bonafied count is 190-35.

     

    Excellent CSAUP, PAX.  T-Claps to the Southshore guys who posted.  We will see you at the 2018 Gnarley Nutria.  A pleasure to be amongst you.

     

    EiEi

  • Jackson Day Race CSAUP

    The GLOOM was glorious in beautiful downtown Arabi.  7 Brave PAX traveled near and far to a new race route for the 111th Jackson Day 9K race.  This new route involved historic Arabi, comfy asphalt road as racers traveled from Arabi to Chalmette, and then a lap around the Chalmette Battlefield, Home of the Battle of New Orleans.   Some PAX improved, some PAX did not; but every PAX finished respectfully and earned their Jambalaya Girl and cold beers.  There was even a guest appearance by Belloq as he is on the Board for NOTC.  PAX results below.  Link listed for full results.  Don’t forget to update your 2018 NYR.  Apologies to Sogo & Cavalier, YHC does not know their real names.

     

    65 Chris Mysing New Orleans, LA 50 48:57 48:35 8:42 1335
    74 Lee Lafleur New Orleans, LA 41 49:46 49:19 8:49 1280
    92 Kevin Lord New Orleans, LA 47 53:06 52:38 9:25 1295
    99 Stephen Perrien New Orleans, LA 49 54:55 54:32 9:46 1350

    107

    		 Timothy Clements New Orleans, LA 34 56:18 55:51 10:00 1169

    http://runnotc.org/results/2018/jacksonday.shtml

    Thanks for coming to St. Bernard, SYITG

    Moleskin:  Here is a history lesson of exactly what took place on January 8, 1815.  If it were not for the Chalmations defeating the British, we’d all be speaking English.

  • PAX Aplenty at Turkey Day Race

    Strong F3 showing at The Turkey Day Race this morning with 15+ PAX, some regulars and some occasional gloomers.  This 5 mile race had been kicked around in the CSAUP mix for a while and after seeing a bunch of F3 shirts representing YHC felt it constituted a backblast.  Mother Nature gave us chilly yet perfect running conditions which made for some great times with the PAX.  T-claps to Da Parish for posting earlier at Okwata then getting his PR in the race…way to man up!  Also, T-claps to the PAX that had their 2.0s out there and exposing them to the world of fitness.  Some good F2 was had before, during, and after the race along with a few 12oz curls thrown in for good measure….who knew peach beer actually tastes decent.  No COT at the end since the PAX were all scattered.  Definitely a good way to start Thanksgiving Day, and the race proceeds benefit Spina Bifida of New Orleans so it’s a double win!

    Tool

  • A Stroll down Lafitte’s Greenway

    • Night time.  Strange how the DST change has made the night more gloomy than the morning.  But 10 PAX arrived in the evening gloom for a workout topped off with a few brews.  #Tclaps especially to Triple Shift and Jingle Vader, for whom this was their second F3 beatdown of the day.  #NegativeTClaps to Fracsac.  He knows why…..

    Pre-Thang: A little marathon preparation at 7:00.  Reverse of the usual bayou st. johns 610 stomp route, heading up the bayou to the museum then back.  Thanks Cowbell for continuing to push me to move faster.

    The Thang: Just in time, a gang of neon-lighted bicyclers showed up to help light our warmup.  They slowly circled us.  Both parties looked at the other, wondering what on earth they were up to…  But no more time for wondering, time to get started.

    Usual Rudy start-up

    • Peter Parker x25
    • (interrupt our regularly scheduled plank-o-rama for a 10 OYO burpee penalty for JV’s late arrival)
    • Mountain Climbers x25
    • Parker Peter x25
    • Plank Jack x25

    Bogey takes us to the Lafitte’s Greenway.  Partner up:

    • PAX 1: Lunge Walk to the next light pole, Bear Crawl back
    • PAX 2: did something
    • Flapjack
    • Repeat

    Same pattern with PAX 1 sprinting down 2 lightpoles and back while PAX 2 did Mericans.

    Same pattern with PAX 1 Bear Crawling then Lunge Walking (obviously different than LW followed by BC) while PAX 2 did LBCs

    Beans takes over.  Agility Drills on Lafitte’s Greenway.  Same pattern.

    • PAX 1 Sprints, PAX 2 Supermans.  Flapjack
    • PAX 1 Karaokes, PAX 2 does something.  Flapjack
    • PAX 1 Backwards Run, PAX 2 Diamond Mericans.  Flapjack

    Bogey Interjects.  He wants a turn again.

    • PAX 1 People’s Chair, PAX 2 5 8-count-body builders.  Flapjack.  Repeat
    • Triple Shift reminds everyone, especially YHC, that the Merican comes before the Plank Jack.

    Tool takes us to the Post Office

    • PAX 1: 100 Rocky Balboa, PAX 2 Putins.  Flapjack.
    • Repeat with 80 Rocky Balboa and Hip Slappers

    Cowbell really wants more ab work, so he finishes up with Crunchy Frogs xTooMany

    Triple Shift sprints us back to home on the greenway circle.  Finish up with Count-off, Name-o-rama and a closing Prayer.

    Then gathered around the table at Bayou Beer Garden for a burgers, fries, and a few beers.  Very enjoyable conversation – especially watching Bogey put the moves on the ladies…

  • Gnarly Nutria 2017

    The night was hot and humid and dark.  By 8:45, lots of PAX and a few coolers started rolling in (thanks Brown Bag!).  Uptowners, Mid-city denizens, a clown car from the Northshore and a lone rep from Destrehan.  All gathered to see who would hoist the coveted Gnarly Nutria trophy for 2017.  Could the influx of young guns in Uptown be enough to hold off the growing World presence?  Could anyone or anything stop the unstoppable force called TurboTax? Would Da Parish show up in running clothes or spandex cycle suit?

    But first, Yankee gave his best Amnesty impersonation with a 10 minute disclaimer, attempting to explain the overly complex uptowner scoring system (and thanks to Quick Draw and his daughter Katie for taking on the scoring duties).

    Finally – its time to line up under the first lightpost, and Yankee mumbles a “ok, lets go” under his breath.  Slowly the group of confused PAX begin to move, before the front runners (TurboTax, Barcrawl and the soon-to-be-appropriately-named FNG Ringer that the Uptowners recruited just for this event) took off.

    3 laps in the humidity.  Yuck.  YHC enjoyed the run with SOGO, Butt Splice and Hawg.  Great conversations, even as they all passed me by as the humidity and fast out-the-gate pace took its toll.  Meanwhile, out in front, Cowbell took care of some competition by gently nudging last year’s winner, Nip/Tuck, off the path and out of the race.  Sayonara, Nip/Tuck.  Hope you learned a valuable lesson – watch your back.

    Final Standings:

    Place
    Name
    Where
    Laps
    Place Points
    Total Points
    1 Barcrawl Uptown 3 35 38
    2 Ringer Uptown 3 34 37
    3 Turbo Northshore 3 33 36
    4 Mulligan Uptown 3 32 35
    5 YSR Uptown 3 31 34
    6 Cowbell MidCity 3 30 33
    7 Jadaveon Uptown 3 29 32
    8 Sogo MidCity 3 28 31
    9 Hawg MidCity 3 27 30
    10 Rudy MidCity 3 26 29
    11 Butt Splice Northshore 3 25 28
    12 Shorty MidCity 3 24 27
    13 EIEI Northshore 3 23 26
    14 Landing Strip Uptown 3 22 25
    15 Sandbar Uptown 3 21 24
    16 Revit Uptown 3 20 23
    17 Brownbag Uptown 3 19 22
    18 Walleye MidCity 3 18 21
    19 Roots Uptown 3 17 20
    20 Triple Shift MidCity 3 16 19
    21 Stub Hub MidCity 3 15 18
    22 Tool MidCity 3 14 17
    23 Reverend Uptown 3 13 16
    24 Hasselhoff Uptown 3 12 15
    25 Buckle Bunny Uptown 3 11 14
    26 Ocho Northshore 3 10 13
    27 FracSac MidCity 3 9 12
    28 Joe Dirt Destrehan 3 8 11
    29 Da Parish MidCity 3 7 10
    30 Yankee Uptown 3 6 9
    31 Colonel Uptown 3 5 8
    32 Splash Uptown 2 0 2
    32 Whoop Uptown 2 0 2
    32 Seaman Uptown 2 0 2
    32 Milkman MidCity 2 0 2
    32 Nip/Tuck Uptown 2 0 2

    Uptowners led the way, taking 5 of the top 7 spots.  Kudos to Barcrawl on his victory.  And welcome to F3 Ringer!

    The final tally: The World: 363 (249 from MidCity, 103 from the NorthShore and 11 from Destrehan) Uptown: 360  A final difference of 3 points.
    Participants
    Total Laps
    Place Points
    TOTAL
    Uptown 19 53 307 360
    MidCity 12 35 214 249
    Northshore 4 12 91 103
    Destrehan 1 3 8 11
    World 17 50 313 363

    Finished with our Countoff, Name-o-rama (was there ever a doubt on the name of our FNG) and a prayer.  Then dive back into the coolers (thank you again Brown Bag) to grab a cold one (YHC was very very pleasantly suprised with the Mango IPA), and enjoyedanother hour of F2.

    Kudos to the few, the proud, the strong who made the follow on Thursday am post: FracSac, Cowbell, DaParish, Milkman, Butt Splice, Ocho (Hrm… What do they all have in common?  Oh yeah – THE WORLD!)

  • New Orleans Escape Triathlon – October 1, 2017

    http://www.escapeseriestri.com/new-orleans-escape

    Varying distances available for any PAX

    • Olypmpic Triathlon – 1500m Swim, 40km Bike, 10km Run
    • Sprint Triathlon – 400m Swim, 20km Bike, 5km Run
    • Duathlon – 2mi Run, 20km Bike, 5km Run
    • Sprint Aqua Bike – 400m Swim, 20km Bike
    • Olympic Bike – 1500m Swim, 40km Bike

    Training Plans are available for beginners; however, if you post regularly and then add Lafitte’s Plunge & the Bucktown Coastie to your rotation, you should be up for the challenge.   I’m also down for a few rehab workouts.

    Register here

    • https://endurancecui.active.com/new/events/42541254/select-race?_p=3823248790717475&_ga=2.4114416.1366506394.1500302317-408870587.1500302317

  • New Orleans Tough Mudder

    Let me introduce myself.  I am Lee LaFleur’s lily white, cleaner than a Seventh Heaven Marathon, baseball cap.  Lee and I have had some good times together.  I often partner with my buddy Shades to give him that cool, casual look.  I can’t count the number of Friday nights, after one too many, he’s flipped me around backwards and taken his “homies” from the hood for a spin on the golf cart; cutting through old ladies’ yards and hopping curbs on our way to Bud’s Broiler.  Or all the times he’s turned me sideways and turned up Q93 on his way to the Hardware Store.  Lee and I have been thick as thieves, which is what makes this past Saturday so confusing….

    Saturday Morning (Early, but not that early)

    Good morning Lee!  What’s up.  Where we going today?  Too late for F3, thank goodness.  Please don’t say we are going running.  You know I hate the sweat ring.  It stinks.  Let’s grab shades and take the family to the park, show off the wifee, make all the ladies jealous…you know how we roll you handsome devil.  You’re looking kind of sporty.  I really hope we aren’t running…

    Academy Sports Parking Lot

    Why in the world are we meeting a bunch of dudes in the Academy Sports parking lot?  Why are they all putting on sunscreen?  Are we going to the beach with a bunch of dudes?  Who’s the Asian guy in the UPS truck?  Wait that’s not a UPS truck.  What is that thing?  Is something illegal happening?  Let’s not get in the big unmarked vehicle with the stout looking Asian gangster.  Go to the other vehicle, it seems safer….No Lee, no, c’mon!….Oh balls!  Do you realize we are headed to the westbank?  What have you gotten us into?  I am now certain this is something illegal.  You have a wife and kids to think about dude.  Things can’t be that bad…why are they listening to Stevie Winwood? And why is it so loud? Who are these idiots?

    The Thang

    We are turning on Torque Lane.  For some reason that has the cross fit looking guy really excited.  Premium Parking – sweet, the stout looking Asian mobster must really be somebody.  There’s lots of people here so maybe this isn’t something illegal.  Please tell me it’s a Kenny Chesney concert – get shades and push up your sleeves.  Show those F3 guns off my man.  People will think your his brother…Okay, the signs say Tough Mudder…that sounds Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless.  What’s that mean – Mudder?

    The Starting Gate

    Ok, these dudes are circling up to pray, take me off, take me off. That was kind of cool, a group of men praying in the midst of a bunch of strangers.  You don’t see that everyday.  Okay, this guy is telling us to take a knee in some gravel, seems painful.  He’s a good speaker though.  He’s getting me pumped up.  I’m still not sure what we are doing, but I love these people around me.  Whatever we are doing we are going to get it done together.  Hoo-rah!…Ah c’mon, we’re running?  Try not to get real sweaty, ok?

    Obstacle #1 – Pitfall

    What is this?  These idiots are running straight into that mudhole.  Alright, let’s veer to the side and go around.  Wait, Lee, what are you doing?  Why would you run straight into that?!?  How could you not see that?  It’s waist deep.  Okay, let’s keep your hands clean.  Okay, there goes that idea.  Whatever you do, don’t touch me.

    More mud.  Jump over this one please.  No need to get muddier.  Wait, the one they call Kimchi lost a shoe.  Let’s wait for him.  #NoManLeftBehind.  A little up a head a women saw how good I looked and asked to take my picture.  Some of the other idiots joined us.

    Obstacle #2 – Skidmarked

    Looks like a wall we need to go up and over.  I take it we aren’t going around it.  Our buddies are at the top to help pull us over.  That’s nice.  Thanks fellows, but don’t touch me.  Your hands are filthy.

    Obstacle #3 – Hero Carry

    Here Lee and his friends partnered up to carry each other about 100 yards.  There was one poor sap that was odd man out – the guy that lost his shoe earlier.  He got stuck with some big dude he didn’t know – he looked to be about a size 8 hat size, which probably puts him around 240.  Well done Kimchi.  Luckily the dude riding on Lee’s back kept his grubby paws off me. #StillShining

    Obstacle #4 – Devil’s Beard

    Looks like two cargo nets laying on top of each other that you have to crawl between.  Fortunately for us some of Lee’s buddies were in the cargo net, lifting the top net and giving us plenty of room.  No worries as I made it through without even a scrape.  These guys seem alright.  #LivingThird

    Obstacle #5 – Ladder to Hell

    And we are stopped.  We turn into the woods and a line of people waiting for something.  Can’t tell what yet.  It does give everyone time to mention how remarkably clean and white I am.  That makes me feel good.  The guy they call Rudy keeps counting everyone.  He must be some type of chaperone.  Lee, tell him not to worry, just tell everyone to follow me – I’m a beacon shining above the fray…Finally we make it to the obstacle.  It’s nothing but a wide ladder made out of a few 2x10s.  Not nearly worth the Disney length line we waited in.  At least it gave people time to admire my brightness.

    Obstacle #6 – Tire(d) Yet

    A bunch of tires laying on the ground like a junior high football practice.  If the question was “is my boy tired yet” the answer is a definitive NO!

    Obstacle #7 – Haha Ditch

    Alright, this ain’t cool.  It’s just a giant muddy ditch.  This seems very dangerous.  Why would you wear a beautiful white hat to something like this?!?  No wonder they are all calling you Tool.  Just go around it please,  Noooo!  You jerk.  Be careful, and watch your hands.  I think I have mud on me.  Can you see?  Never mind.  Don’t touch me, you’re filthy.

    Look, the one they call Yankee wore a hat, but he wore one that no one would ever care about.  He’s obviously the smartest one in the bunch.  They should make him the leader.

    Obstacle #8 – Pyramid Scheme.

    This is crazy looking.  A big slanted wall, with a waist deep ditch in front of it.  Rumor has it that this thing has been greased with vegetable oil.  Looks like Tool’s band of idiot friends are planning on creating two lines of idiots three people high, then people will use them to climb to the top.  Okay, the one they call Hawg has climbed to the top and is in the third position.  Looks like his cleats are digging into the guy below him.  Did he ask Mulligan about that before climbing up there?….Does Hawg really think he can pull that big dude up from the bottom?  That’s not going to work.  He’s going down.  Ha! the whole tower fell into the ditch.  What an idiot…Ok new plan.  They have taken the one they call Hawg and have hung him upside down from the top of the obstacle.  They are obviously mad at him for crashing them earlier.  Here comes the chaperone…wait, what his he doing to Hawg….oh no that is awful….Tool look away…turn your head…this is obscene.  Here comes the street sign guy…Oh good grief…this is awful…I get that Hawg is an idiot, but I don’t think he deserves this.  Is there law enforcement around here?  Someone stop this.  Thank goodness, they are pulling him back up.  I would say he has learned his lesson.  Tool, don’t cross these dudes.

    Obstacle #9 – Mud Mile 2.0

    I’m done.  I’m out.  Let’s go Tool.  You can’t seriously be thinking about doing this.  There is no way I survive this.  It’s about 8 muddy hills and 7 chest deep ditches of water.  You have to have help to get over every hill.  These people in front of us are covered in mud.  Are you serious?  Well it was good knowing you…..

    Ok, I know I am filthy now.  Seems like we are headed somewhere else, but we obviously have to come back and do this again.

    Obstacle #10 – Block Ness Monster

    At this point the group has started to separate.  No doubt because I am no longer a shining beacon that all can follow.  Here we have a creative obstacle.  A series of long rotating rectangular prisms that you hang onto and flip over to the other side, while others rotate it.  The water was fairly clean and I got a little cleaner, but it’s too little too late.  I’m still mad.

    Obstacle #11 – Berlin Walls

    A tall wall that you climb over.  No mud.  Hopefully the mudder part is done.

    Obstacle #12 – Everest 2.0

    Total Ninja Warrior stuff.  A giant warped wall with people at the top helping to pull you up.  Again no mud – things are looking up.  All of Tool’s buddies did well.  A few of the the guys needed a couple of tries and I thought the stout Asian mobster might have knocked himself out the first time (he generates a lot of speed. #GoBigOrGoHome), but he survived unscathed and easily climbed the wall.  Impressive teamwork by the idiots at this obstacle.

    Obstacle #13 – Mud Mile 2.0

    Crap!!!! I totally forgot we had to go back through this.  This is awful.  Look at the chaperone.  He’s straight out of the Blue Man Group, except instead of being covered in blue paint, it looks like he is covered in loose stool.

    Obstacle #14 – Augustus Gloop

    How are those people over there so clean?  Ahhhh, here it is.  This obstacle is basically a shower.  Tall shower that you climb up through.  This is great.  I am getting clean.  Tool hang out at the top a little longer, lets get this filth off of me.  Now take a moment, stand at the top, and let me shine like a beacon of hope to all who can see.

    Unfortunately, Mathlete, who got some mud in his eye earlier in the race had to call for the medics at this point.  I feel you Mathlete, this mud is dangerous.

    Obstacle #15 – Turducken

    An obstacle in an obstacle in an obstacle.  Fortunately this one wasn’t too muddy or difficult.  We got to go down a slide, wheeeeeeeee!

    Obstacle #16 – Birth Canal

    No mud, just crawling under a tarp with water in it.  Our legionnaire friend Amnesty went through the black hole.  Basically the same thing, but darker.

    Obstacle #17 – Monster Mash

    Giant vertical tractor tires that you jump on and over.  Come on Tough Mudder, you’ve got to be better than this.  My man box jumps at NOMA – this is for ladies.

    Obstacle #18 – Reach Around

    Climbing on a backwards slant up to a platform.  My man Tool stuck around to encourage everyone and help them get up to the top.  He’s a good guy, but I am still mad that he brought me.

    Obstacle #19 – Arctic Enema

    Sliding into a tank of ice cold water.  Completely Stupid and Utterly Pointless.  At least I am feeling much cleaner.

    Obstacle #20 – The Funky Monkey

    Here Tool ran into his friend Sparky.  Sparky is apparently associated with Tool’s band of idiot friends, but was not technically with them during this race.  Seems like an intelligent guy.  Surprised he talked to them for as long as he did.

    Now this is an obstacle – Inclined monkey bars to a couple of rotating wheels, where you have to swing to a declined straight bar – real Ninja Warrior type stuff.  Okay Tool don’t you dare fall in that water, I just started feeling clean again….Nice, you made it.  This F3 stuff has you looking pretty athletic..Okay, enough celebrating, turn around.  I want to see the heavy breathing one they call JV, he’s next.  Look at that.  That dude is a stud.  He crushed it.

    Obstacle #21 – Six Feet Under

    We have got to be getting close.  Sure is a lot of running here at the end.  Oh, you have to be kidding me.  What is this.  This looks like some kind of gray, plutonium mud pit.  What is that stuff.  Why are people going through it so slowly?  Oh, lots of lost shoes.  Ok, Tool, let’s don’t and say we did.  We finally got clean.  This is just cruel.  Ha! some dude just went all the way under because his friends told him to.  Now he’s blind.  That was completely stupid.  He seems like a perfect fit for your group Tool.

    Obstacle #22 – Electroshock Therapy

    This is it – the end.  Of course there is more mud and if you don’t get down in it they shock you with live wires.  Completely Stupid And Utterly Pointless.

    Finisher

    Well after all that, we get a t-shirt and a headband.  You can give the headband to someone else Tool, you’re not a headband guy.  Your a brilliant white cap, shining for all the world to follow, kind of guy.  Now it’s time to get me cleaned up.

    Moleskin

    I have no idea why Tool thought he should bring me to this, but in the end, I am glad he did.  He and his band of idiot friends seemed to have a great time together.  They worked hard, they laughed hard and most importantly they worked as a team to make sure everyone got to the end.  Unfortunately, they lost Mathlete along the way, but he is a fighter; he’ll be back.  I have to give it to these guys, they put in a lot of hard work preparing for this and they were ready.  It was an honor to spend the journey with them.  And, the good news is that I learned the muscled up Asian mobster runs a “laundering” service.  Send me home with him and let’s get ready for the next CSAUP, no matter how filthy it is.