F3 New Orleans

Tag: Americas Best

  • Fort Knox – from Paradox

    YHC recently listened to an excellent podcast episode breaking down the United States Bullion Depository , better known as Fort Knox. YHCs working knowledge of Fort Knox before this was at about a 6th grade level and while I was slightly disappointed to learn there was neither a moat nor sharks with lazer beams (I meannn not even ill tempered sea bass?!), I was however , fascinated by the robust layers of security present. If one presents such a security the obvious response is “well what WOULD it take to break in?”. YHC loves a good heist film so it was only a matter of time before I began to devise a plan …and as the plan took form it was much more clear that it was a question of “ WHO would I need?” rather than “ WHAT I would need “

    A team..but not just any team . A diverse group of high impact men with particular sets of skills. It just so happened that 9 of these very men showed up at the Stage Tuesday morning ready for action.

    It went a little something like this….

    Duke!! Get your ski mask and roll the footage.
    I love it when a plan comes together!

    Warmup

    We got down to some usual warmups and it was clear this was not the ole chatter gang. Most days this would unsettle YHC to the point of provoking white bean schisms but today it was just the tone I was looking for.
    These men were lazer focused and had the fresh pain from the tax man in their hearts.

    Bumper Mosey to start of Richmans Loop where YHC laid out todays mission.
    It was Simple. We were going to Fort Knox and we were going to get our money back.

    Right on cue Popeyes old military buddy landed an Apache helicopter in the finance parking lot. Let’s just say you can make things happen when Sean Penn owes you a favor .
    We loaded up and headed for north Kentucky.

    Objective #1
    Aerial drop and debrief

    Introduced “The Sky Mile” (say it with a north La draw and it sounds like my favorite magazine)

    Fort Knox is located on a 109k acre base so we couldn’t just drive up with our Platinum f150 and ask directions to the vault.
    We would enter from the sky.

    To stretch on the way we did 20 Aussie sweat angels (feels like sky diving ) and 20 ranger merkins (we need to atkeast look like military) x 4 rounds and we added a golden trivia debrief with a burpee penalty. It made for quite a festive chopper ride.

    Trivia

    1. Name Only President to see inside of Fort Knox -FDR
    **some mutiny early here as SV softly said the correct answer immediately and AB discussed the virtue of 12 other presidents before coming back to trusting his safety valve with FDR.

    2. Gold is one of 4 transition metal in group 11 on the periodic table. Name the other three. (Copper silver, roentgeniyn)

    YHC wasn’t letting the pax get away with out burpees so Roentygenium was added as an Maneater chemistry defense. It worked like a charm and we did 7 burpees.

    3.) The “gold watch” and the “Bonnie situation” are chapters in this 1994 movie

    AB yawned , answered Pulp Fiction correctly and moseyed on. He didn’t just grow up in the 90s …he IS the 90s. No trivia is safe.

    At the drop zone we hit a dead sprint with one last debrief.

    4.) A 1995 spy movie , a hit N64 video game and the nickname they call safety valve when he will only see cash patients.

    GOLDENEYE (several light chuckles were dispersed)

    We were on the ground now and the defense was just getting warmed up .

    Objective 2: Electric Fence

    The outermost perimeter of Fort Knox is surrounded by a 20 foot barbed wire electric fence. No big deal, YHC depended on the sound advice from Homer criminals that informed him you could bypass this with jumper cables and cut the area in between…that’s science brother. We did this and thin slid right in.

    “Electric Slide” by the Hit Team
    Lateral Slide on the song
    Star Jumper Cables on “Electric”
    Apollo Ohno on “Boogie Woogie”

    We lost White Meat half way through the fence and had to hook the jumper cables to his shin splints just to pull him through.

    Objective 3 : Landmines
    Once inside the fence there is 500 yards of heavily dispersed landmines. We had Honeysuckle pull a dark web search here and the only plausible way to survive a Minefield is obviously single file bearcrawl.

    Bearcrawl Indian Run
    1 lap – last man 1 merkin to to front.
    Made 1 loop around the track and bears were turning into Linda’s left and right until Ladybug made an epic bearcrawl sprint to reignite the mission. T-claps.

    Objective 4 : Guards

    Now we are on the front porch of the vault house with one major external obstacle left. Guards.
    But if there’s one thing Goose has trained us in , it’s the distracting power of music. We needed something special here , something so bad you would lay down your machine gun on duty and cover your ears. let’s see …late 90s…TRL…frosted tips…pointless lyrics…puca shell necklaces …bingo…

    Music – SmashMouth “AllStar”
    On Song: Step ups
    Chorus – Box jumps

    The legs were a little wobbly but we walked right in the frontier unscathed.

    Finale
    Objective 5 : The Vault

    What’s left before we see the 300 billion worth of gold ?

    Oh just a 21 inch thick steel vault door and the most intricate pass code systems ever created including 4 seperate individuals who have only a portion of the code each.

    First things first, the vault door.
    Reported to be able to withstand an atomic blast, drill or a blow torch but the pax of F3 Thibodaux had something stronger. ABs last 3 meals included gas station fish sticks, a nachos belle grande, and the rotolos garlic special aka the rotor rooter. This led to a synergistic bonding in his colon that would have scared even the creatures of Roentgeniun and one gas pump later we had a man sized hole melting in the vault door. We all have our gifts.

    And now for that pesky code so the alarm doesn’t trigger. .

    Split into teams and each team goes to 1 of 4 stations.
    Each station has 1 trivia question and one exercise. 1 minute AMRAP while you chew on the trivia question. Once you have an answer fill in the blank and move to your next station.

    Your answers should combine for an 8 digit code .
    Answer after so you can keep score at home!

    Station #1
    Number of Medals won by Jesse Owens in 1936 Olympics

    Apollo Ohnos

    Station #2 – they weren’t counting gold but they were counting plenty of cards in this 2008 film about MiT students gaming a popular casino card game.

    No cheat merkins

    Station #3
    The year the Golden state warriors were beat by Toronto Raptors in NBA finals.

    Bobby Hurleys

    Station #4
    Bonnie Blair set the world record in the 500 m speed skate in the Calgary Olympics in this year.

    Bonnie Blair’s

    ANSWER :

    04211988
    Or
    04/21/1988

    Hmmmm…
    Interesting date

    -HoneySuckle and ladybug took first place with 3/4 correct.
    -Valve with honorable mention as he was solo with YHC and there were very few hints.
    -a certain unnamed optometrist had issues with 12 pt times new Roman font and boyyy that presbyopia continues to strike our 40 north club. Ya hate to SEE it.

    We were now successfully inside the vault just as our own 6am alarms began to go off …

    Counting , Naming and Rugby was given to HoneySuckle from Ladybug for his puzzle skills.

    COT and Honeysuckle prayed us out

    Had a blast putting this one together , thanks for breaking and entering with me .
    It’s always a privilege to lead you men.

    Post Script

    Year of our Lord 2124
    Journal entry from Lil Cuz the 6th

    …generation after generation of F3 Thibodaux pax trained to break into Fort Knox. It was our yearly rite of passage to test fitness and a sharp mind. There finally came a time for the real mission. They had gotten a tip off from the great great grandson of HoneySuckle (he just happened to have a vaguely defined government job) that a long lost treasure had been found.

    After breezing through the defenses they stood in the vault of Fort Knox. The bright reflection of gold cast on their faces as they walked between towering rows of gold plates. Each man considering how much one 26.5 lb bar could change his life. But they stayed true. They strode past the Constitution, brushed aside priceless original paintings and didn’t even glance at the Magna Carta. Then, they found it.
    Nestled in a bin of gold and jewels it was wrapped in its dusty leather casing with tidy stencil spray paint letters on the front …

    “The Story of the Bayou Pax and the unabridged Monologues of Yankee Jeaux the 1st: Volume 1”

    They tucked it safely in the flying douche wagon and left the treasures of this earth behind for good.

    You see , Their fathers and their father’s fathers had already handed down the real treasure to them during each beatdown:

    Love your Creator, Lead your family, Strengthen the man next to you and always be grateful for the hidden treasures in each day.

    “For where your treasure is , there also your heart will be “
    Luke 12:34

    SYITG
    Dox

  • The Den of Pain – from Smooth Operator

    4/11/24 Den of Pain
    Maneater
    Jackknife
    Honeysuckle
    AB
    GOOSE
    POPE
    YJ
    ENRON
    LIL CUZ

    Warmarama
    SSH
    Windmills
    Imperial walkers
    Arm circles
    Mountain climbers

    The Pax grabbed a block and party mode BAPS and Indian rucked with last man doing 3 thrusters to the Den of pain.

    Due to YHC’s inability to count reps we will be practicing this throughout the beatdown

    Thang 1
    7’s
    Block and bears were the transport and man makers or blockies , depending on who you ask ,were done on the hill and goblet squats done between the tire and Oak tree finish line. Block and bears were done going both ways for 2 or 3 rounds and then YHC graciously lowered the expectation to one way and then rifle carry back. Enron completed his 7’s therefore YHC called the Pax back to the top the hill to start thang 2 to save time.

    Thang 2
    11’s
    Murder bunnies were the transport only one way and rifle carry back. Thruster we’re done on top the hill and the finish line which was moved up by YHC, the Pax did WW3 sit ups in the mud. The Pax got roughly half way completed this exercise before YHC called it due to 0600 creeping up on us. At 0545 the Pax partnered up for the next thang.

    Thang 3
    YHC had a vision of doing a Dora 123 with 100 150 200 but with 0600 staring us in the face we bumped it down to 50 100 150. For the 50 the pax would be doing triceps curls. For 100 biceps curls and 150 a rods. The kicker is the mode of transport for the traveling partner would be zombie crawls to the finish line and sprint back. I believe the Pax got roughly half way through their biceps curls before YHC had to call it to get back to the flags. The Pax Indian rucked back and we made it back in time to hold 6” for what felt like an hour but was really 1 1/2 minutes.

    After this we counted off and had announcements and Safety Valve made formed words and prayed us out. Thanks fellas for sticking with me, and not removing my Qing card immediately after the beatdown. It was a pleasure to lead y’all
    SYITG,
    Smooth Operator

  • Sweatin’ to the Oldies? – from America’s Best

    The morning was blustery. YHC was a bit late, and too tired to care that his cardboard boxes were about to blow away. Luckily Enron arrived early, surveyed the situation, and was able to uproot some tree stumps to keep YHC’s props from blowing away.

    Warmarama (that did not start with SSH) was presented with limited commercial interruption.

    The first Thang: Intro to Hans and Franz (Arnold Schwarzenegger Merkins and Squats):
    These are 9-count exercises. 5 count down, hold for 3 count, then explode up. The PAX performed these together, in 7s-style, to learn the cadence and ensure compliance. This must’ve been easier than YHC anticipated because the mumblechatter was deafening.
    You may be asking yourself, “Myself, why are they called ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger Merkins’ and ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger Squats’?
    Because that’s how Arnold Schwarzenegger does them.

    Thang 2: Decades
    6 Stations are set up, labeled 70s, 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s, 20s. Each has 2 exercises assigned to it. A song plays. Mission of player is to identify which decade the song is from, bear crawl to that station, and perform AMRAP of the 2 exercises displayed. You can do as many of each as you choose, as long as you do at least one of each. If you are performing the exercises from the correct decade (you are in the correct station), you get credit for whichever of the 2 you did the most of. If you are in the incorrect decade station, you only get credit for the one which you did fewer of.
    Bonus points: At the end of the song, the word “STOP” is played, and is from another song. If you can ID where that came from, 20 bonus points. If you guess incorrectly, 5 burpee penalty.
    The Highlights:
    – Everyone except Popeye knows that Twilight Zone by Golden Earring is from the 80s
    – Goose did 98 of something! (and was in the correct decade)!
    – … but then Pope did 100
    – Enron was the only one to win Bonus Points… Hammertime!
    – Dox working out in the correct decade, heard a falsetto in a Broken Bells song, and said something like “Dangggitt” then switched to the 1970s…
    – White Meat wins for most rounds with the same score.
    – YHC was busy moving coupons and DJ-ing and missed most of the fun. Mental note to create a glove with a thumb cut-out.

    Points have been tallied… but this stuff is YOU AGAINST YOU, so I can give you your number, and just do better next time. It’s called beating yourself. (Not the same as self-love)

    A fair time was had by most.

    COT and The Jersey of Mike was bestowed upon LadyBug for his persistence– good to see him back.

    Goose prayed us out. Always an honor to lead such a great group of guys.

    SYITG,

    AB

  • Questionable Records – from Honeysuckle

    Nine men emerged from the gloom to join YHC at the stage on a wet Tuesday Tuff morning.
    They had been promised trivia and records, but first a few things had to be taken care of.  

    Warmarama: SSH, Imperial Walkers, Willie Mays Hayes,Windmills, Arm Circles (F/R), Cherry Pickers, Carolina High Knees, Carolina Butt Kicks, Mountain Climbers 

    Thang 1

    Mosey toward Rich Man’s Loop and stop at The Point.  PAX were divided into two teams.  These teams would be together for the duration of the beatdown.  Team 1 would nur to the next light pole, then run to the following light pole, and then do 5 burpees.  The team could not proceed until all members did their 5 burpees.  Then they would begin again with a nur.  Team 2 would do the same thing, but start with a run and do a nur second.   

    YHC was asked, “Is this a race?”  It was not a race in the sense that who the “winner” was didn’t affect anything in the rest of the beatdown.  The de facto result of being the winner was that you got to the coupons first.  Which was something that would matter (a little) today.

    After some initial jockeying for the lead of the non-race, the two teams became staggered so that Team 1 was finishing burpees as Team 2 arrived to begin theirs.  From a congestion management perspective, this was a nice result.  

    The teams were to not visit Financially Stable Man’s Alley today but instead head straight for the coupons.  Around the same time that Team 1 was arriving to the coupons, which would have also been a convenient time to use the bathroom due to the Port-o-Let there, a mysterious white truck also arrived to the area.  As YHC was with Team 2, it is only hearsay that the Team 1 PAX attempted an EH at which point only the sound of electronic door locks being engaged could be heard.  In reality, the truck was from Lowe’s, trying to track down a pallet load of cinder blocks that a man in alpaca fur stole from them Ocean’s Eleven style. 

    Team 1 graciously grabbed extra coupons for Team 2 so that a full Port-o-Let visit wasn’t required.   

    Thang 2

    After returning to the stage area, the second thang was revealed.  YHC would announce an exercise for the PAX to begin, and play a song from the classic rock era (all well etched in YHC’s memory due to decades of listening to Eagle 98.1), and the team in control (control would alternate between teams 1 and 2) had roughly 30 seconds to name the artist and song title.  If both weren’t named, then the other team would be allowed to guess for 30 seconds.  At the end of this time, a team would have either 0, 1, or 2 correct guesses, corresponding to some exercises.

    0=10 thrusters
    1 = 5 thrusters
    2 = 2 thrusters

    But that’s not all!  The song would continue, and the exercise would continue, long enough for YHC to ask some additional trivia questions tangentially related to the song.  Each correct answer here would subtract one thruster.  YHC forgot the list of exercises at home so we did the best we could.  As you will see, YHC forgot a lot of the results of the day but you will get the gist of it.   

    Song 1 exercise: Crab dip

    YHC continues to try to champion this move but there is little traction so far.  The song wasPurple Haze by Jimi Hendrix.  Team 1 got both these.  YHC asked what brewery makes Purple Haze (Abita), what style beer is it (Lager).  What two types of particles can cause a haze (smoke, dust), and dust from what area sometimes causes a haze in the southeast US during the summer (Sahara desert) 

    Song 2 exercise: Tempo squats

    The song was Slow Ride by Foghat.  I believe this one was split?  Other trivia questions: Slowest mammal (sloth), slowest sea creature (seahorse), name of an air mass over a body of water that can produce fog/clouds (marine layer).  Marine layer was one of the few times the PAX was stumped.   

    Song 3 exercise: Hold Al Gore?

    The song was Won’t Get Fooled Again by the Who.  By this point, it was starting to become clear that America’s Best knew all the answers and was just waiting until time was almost up to sneak in his guesses. Trivia dealt with famous April Fools jokes according to Google, such as what number with non-repeating digits did the Alabama legislature try to change (pi), what did they want to change the value to (3)?  Taco Bell announced it purchased this US Landmark to help pay down the national debt (Liberty Bell).  The last line of the song may be its most famous; what is it? (Meet the new boss, the same as the old boss.) 

    Song 4 exercise: Merkins?

    Radar Love by Golden Earring.  This was split, with AB coming up with the band name in the follow up round.  The trivia dealt with the words making up the acronym radar (Radio detection and ranging).  This took a while, and the PAX didn’t get “ranging”.  But then after we stopped YHC remembered the other questions.  RADAR is spelled the same forward and backward, what is the name for that (Palindrome).  Fill in the blank of this palindrome: A man. A plan. A canal. _____ (Panama).  PAX were on top of all this.   

    Song 5 exercise: Apollo ohnos ?

    FM by Steely Dan.  Did I mention Team 1 wasn’t doing many thrusters today?  Trivia: What does FM mean (Frequency modulation).  The line from the song “no static at all” is a comparative reference to what (AM radio).  What does AM mean (amplitude modulation).  Several PAX knew all these but Goose notably ate these questions up. YHC avoided asking any questions related to the origin of Steely Dan’s name.  

    Song 6 exercise: LBCs?

    LA woman by the Doors.  YHC shouldn’t have even asked Team 1 to get coupons today.  Trivia: YHC is thinking of 10 men’s professional sports teams in the LA area.  Name them.  Credit only starts after 6 are named.  (Rams, Chargers, Angels, Dodgers, Lakers, Clippers, LA Galaxy were all guessed. Others are Ducks, Kings, LA Football Club).  Then, name two women’s professional teams (Sparks (guessed), Angel City Football Club not guessed). 

    Song 7: WWI sit ups?

    Surrender by Cheap Trick. Name the place where Lee surrendered to Grant (Appomattox Courthouse).  Name the country that surrendered to end WWII (Japan). 

    Song 8 (bonus, 1 minute left)

    Kashmir by Led Zeppelin.  This song was sampled by what hip hop artist (Puff Daddy).  What was the name of that song?  At this point, Enron swooped in and answered the as-of-yet unasked question, what movie was the song in? (Godzilla).  This is the question that YHC didn’t think anyone would get the answer to, yet alone offer as a fact unsolicited.  

    By the way, the name of the song is “Come with me”.  Time ran out before YHC got to ask a few sweater-related questions (“No, it’s a cardigan, but thanks for asking”).  And several songs remained unplayed, including one by Cream which would have made Popeye happy, along with some cooking related questions.  Maybe next time.    

    Announcements; Wet Tap prayed us out. 

    YHC is impressed once again by the dedication and effort of the PAX, and today their mental muscles were on display as well.  It was a privilege to Q this morning.  

    SYITG,
    Honeysuckle  

  • Lab Rats – from Goose

    I don’t think it’s a surprise to anyone that YHC enjoys digging into the kinds of interpersonal dynamics that bring about surprising chemical, pscychological, emotional, and spiritual reactions. Like, why are we willing to undergo so much physical stress and call it fun when someone else is doing it with us for no reason to bad 80’s music? Why do we push so hard just because everyone else is? What moves us? What causes us to fear and move into self-preservation? What causes us to let go of our calculations and abandon ourselves to something bigger, even if that something is just a bunch of other goofballs crawling around sweating in the grass in the dark?

    The question we’d be covering today was “Why are we constantly wondering how we measure up to the men around us?” Like, why do we subconsciously measure one another to the point where we have a pretty good sense of where we stand in the pecking order of performance for pretty much every exercise? And, in whatever field/type of exercise where we don’t exactly know how we measure up, we are very motivated to find out.

    YHC was interested in breaking this down, to see how each man responded to the measuring process, and what that challenge did to his effort. The results were fascinating.

    After a substantial warmup including Lafayette Nightclubs (sans pelvic thrusts, for most of us), old school, clapping grass-grabbers, and carioca and skip running to the sidewalk and back, we completed yet another new kind of Indian Run. (YHC has been loving the creativity with these, so wanted to keep that train going, and knew we’d be sprinting with tight legs, so…) We took the mile track around Rich Man’s Loop and through Financially Stable Man’s Alley with the last man running back to the previous light pole before catching up to the front. Yes, this was a gamble, and yes, it led to a lot of running for some, especially Paradox, who ended up having to run the length of the alley approximately three times.

    Upon arrival back at the flag, YHC announced we’d be doing merkins to failure, but each man had to do more merkins than the guy to his left, otherwise he’d incur a 10 burpee penalty. And, you got to pick who you stood next to in line. Starting with Safety Valve, each man in turn chose a place in line where he thought he could do more merkins than the man to his left and less than the man on his right. Choices were made quickly–confirmation that each man already knows his place in the pecking order, or at least thinks he does.

    The only exception to this was Smooth Operator, who constantly reveals a deep, yet lighthearted appreciation for being challenged. He chose the front of the line, the strongest position, every single time. He wanted a reason to push hard, and he wanted the burpees. Seriously. He wasn’t just looking for attention. He loves being in over his head–it lights him up in a way that reveals a deep strength, a deep stability. It’s incredible to witness.

    Here were the exercises we got to (about half the ones on YHC’s list):
    -Merkins
    -Sprint (from AB’s truck to the Stop sign)
    -Plank
    -Overhead Press (coupons)

    For the merkins, the second half of the line monitored the first half for form and counting, then flip-flopped. There were definitely some miscalculations there, but nothing egregious. Most were at least within 5 of their expectations.

    The sprint was another story. I guess we just don’t do this enough, and when we do, we’re so focused on the guy we’re trying to beat or on our own need for oxygen that we don’t get a solid bead on the men around us. Cuz, Lil Cuz was lined up as second slowest, and when he blasted off the line in a powerful, white blur, all PAX knew they had chosen poorly. YHC thought later that it might have been better to have all run at once in order to have each be motivated by beating the man next to him, but we would have missed something special. The chance to watch each of the PAX powerfully give it all for almost 100 meters was a sight to behold. These are men we know, respect, and care about, so to witness each one in turn in full effect, at 100% capacity, really did something to the heart.

    This was followed by plank to failure. We chose our places in line, per usual, and then got into plank position, staggered, head to head with the men next to us. YHC didn’t know what to expect on this one, but the rest of the PAX seemed to. Safety Valve and AB lined up in what seemed to be pretty confident positions near the front (just behind Smooth), and after three or four minutes, were still planking. Paradox won his first of two awards for one-liners when he, noticing that two eye doctors were planking head to head to the death, said something about removing the plank from your brother’s eye. AB eventually melted in the face of quiet, smiling confidence, and only one or two guys had to do burpees.

    The overhead press was squeezed in with three minutes left, and after the planks and merkins, this proved to be a killer. Brains and shoulders were mush, as made clear by the amount of burpees owed afterward, so YHC just decided all would complete the 10 penalty burpees to transition us into a panting COT.

    The rugby shirt of competition was given to Valve for his impressive holdout in the eye-plank stare-down. YHC thought he was clever in offering the temporary nickname Plankopotamus, but Dox countered with his second award-winning line of the day, Plank Williams, Jr. (YHC is comfortable in my place in the pecking order, being the one who says things that are funny enough but really just serve as fodder for Dox’s wit cannon.)

    Thanks for being willing lab rats in the pitre dish of the sweaty test tube of the Bunsen muscle burner of the exerscience lab of man-fun.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Rugby: Played by men with odd-shaped balls – from America’s Best

    This day, the last day YHC could proclaim himself 47 years old, we would do what I’ve been waiting to do for a long long time: we would play rugby. YHC knew this would be a challenge, not only because of the length of time that has passed since I last touched a rugby ball, but because almost all of the PAX has likely not even watched rugby before. Luckily, Yankee Jeaux is a fellow Virginia rugger from the same era. What are the chances? YHC would lean heavily on YJ for help with this beatdown.

    Warmarama: Co-Q’ed by Yankee Jeaux (see?) as I tended to my ball.

    The first quick Thang (bc we can’t go straight to the fun):
    Ostensibly, we learned to slide-dive, by deconstructing it into a deep squat and a “Mike Tyson merkin.”
    This was actually just YHC’s way of introducing yet another type of merkin to the PAX. Someone asked: “Why are they called Mike Tyson merkins?”
    The answer is simple: Because that’s how Mike Tyson does them.

    The Main Event: Rugby

    For the first time in a quarter century, YHC donned his old rugby jersey.
    We held plank whilst the instructions and rules were outlined.
    And upon the start of play, there was much confusion. YHC almost immediately forgot one of the most important rules (allowing Goose to accidentally cheat), and YHC forgot Enron was on his team. And confusion runs downhill…

    The highlights:
    –Mom Jeans again materialized out of nowhere, and he and a shoeless Wet Tap made a living swatting passes down like Dikembe Mutombo.
    –Enron ran the sideline to the end line more than once… once as dummy half. He didn’t attempt the try but passed for a teammate to score… this caused great controversy and YHC has still not figured out if it was legal.
    –Safety Valve was awarded 1/3 of a point for kicking the ball into the top of an oak tree.
    –Cardinal and Lil Cuz caught on quickly and by halftime (there was one?) they actually looked like rugby players.
    –Goose and Paradox showcased a rivalry not seen since Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice.
    –Yankee Jeaux played with effortless confidence, shouting down the opposition with, “I wouldn’t recommend it” in a voice that was at once Michael Caine and also the “seats taken” kid from Forrest Gump.
    –Popeye lived offsides, realizing that creating mayhem was more fun.
    –Pope is fast.
    7:30 came way too soon and we moseyed back to the flags.

    COT.

    As the PAX lamented the (hopefully temporary) loss of Animal, Gigi, and The Fleece, YHC remembered he had an old practice jersey in the truck, and made a game-time decision to award it to “most competitive.”
    (“Most competitive” and “biggest cheater” are actually the identical award, with the former being a member of one’s own team, and the latter being an opponent.)

    Cardinal prayed us out.

    Thanks for coming out my dudes. As always, I hope the fun outweighed the confusion.

    SYITG,
    America’s Best

    AB Sees:
    An opportunity to ramble and reflect.

    This beatdown started as a tribute to my past, a swan song to my inner Uncle Rico. But it became a celebration of the present and future. The number 47 became significant to me 30 years ago, and I began see it everywhere… and I don’t just think it’s the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon. (If you need to know what that is, please see Dox, as I’d wager he’s already on the third page of his Google search results by now).
    So I always hoped that the age 47 would bring something meaningful. . .

    Eleanor Roosevelt said, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.”
    But Michael Jordan more eloquently said, “The ceiling is the roof.” Really makes you think. Perhaps the most profound thought, however, comes from 20th century philosopher William Madison, who said, “… the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.”

    Where am I going with this? I have no idea.
    But I bid adieu to the past with this soon-to-be famous quote: “To everyone who wrote ‘stay cool’ in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.”

    And the future? Well, in the past, the future was so bright, we had to wear shades.
    But that future is now the present. And now my future’s not so much bright as it is blurry, so I have to wear prescription multifocal lenses.

    So the present, it is a gift. Thanks to all of you for being a part of this extraordinary gift of F3 that came in my 47th year.

  • Stay off the grass. – from Popeye

    YHC arrived early to the den, noting a special kind of gloom in the air…
    Was it rain? No, looked good despite early forecasts. Perhaps the prospect of just two more days of work drudgery left in the week? No, my morning trek to the big sleazy and hours of staring at screens and tiresome conversations lied in wait.
    No, this special kind of gloom is the kind that brings a smirk to all smirkster’s faces… the kind of gloom one only gets to relish once in this life: when a VQ becomes a Q.
    Primed at the thought of getting comfortable being uncomfortable and sharing some positive pain with my fellow man, YHC dashed around the field of play like a cardboard sign fairy placing treats for the pax. It was going to be a fine morning.

    Warmarama:
    Imperial walkers (yes, a strict violation of protocol – one of YHC’s favorite things)
    Willie Mays Hays
    Mountain climbers
    (confessional about hating SSH)
    SSH x 50 just to throw fuel on the internal fire
    Wamarama complete, time to do some work.

    Preface:
    As most know, YHC has spent his adult life wearing the uniform of this great nation, and as such I felt compelled to share some similarities between F3 and military PT basics. Fun/bizarre names for calisthenics, “starting position move, in cadence – exercise!”, people taking it too seriously or not seriously enough – it’s the stuff that forms your foundation. But one specific element is different: in the service, you stay off the grass.
    For walking on the grass is indicative of a weak moral fiber; the man who needs to cut across the grass is the man who needs the shortcut. He’s the guy who fails to plan, and thus plans to fail. He’s the guy who orders his fitness regimen in a shot he can administer himself at home while watching sitcoms and eating chips.
    For today’s beatdown there were two rules:
    You rest in the forward-leaning rest position, and you stay off the grass; violations incur a 5 burpee fine.

    Thang 1:
    Pax directed to form 2 ranks. YHC immediately realized the pax were not accustomed to miltaryish terminology, so I directed 2 columns. Still not quite there, but it was time to mosey.
    Lap 1: Grass-free lap around the far reaches of the Harangarang, including the rarely-traveled sidewalk out front. Easy 20-30% effort pace, the kind that encourages chatter from the AB’s and Enrons of the world.
    Lap 2: The Pax upped the ante a bit, pushing the pedal to 60-70% effort. Not a sprint, but a heavy stride – the kind that breeds more gasp and less chatter. Lap ended in a pseudo-tunnel along the edge of the Harang center for fine arts and bullriding.

    Thang 2/Main event:
    The Pax were introduced to 5 stations:
    1 – 10 flights up near stairs; single or double step
    2 – 10 x WW3 sit ups + 10 Block-ees
    3 – 20 Bus Stop Derkins + 20 LBC’s
    4 – 20 Kettle/Coupon swings + 20 Apollo Ono (2=1)
    5 – 5 flights up yonder stairs, bunny hops

    Pax reluctantly broke into groups of 3, headed out to starting points, and we were off. Most teams made 3ish rounds of exercises, with YHC making some mental notes while playing third wheel to a Goose/Dox man date:
    – Not all stations are created equal, which disrupts the time/space continuum. Next time spread out the most painful station.
    – Even the JBL has its limits on the field of battle, the volume peaked but couldn’t really reach all stations (much to AB and YJ’s delight).
    – You never know who you’re going to meet at the bus stop! While derkining, MomJeans appeared out of thin air and joined in, and YHC was thankful for another member to break up the Dox/Goose blossoming bromance. As an aside, it was impossible not to be impressed with the bus stop’s solar-paneled roof – what is this, the future!?! Perhaps Thib is more progressive than I realized; I knew we were ahead of the times in teenager-looking eye doctors, but this was really inspiring.
    – Bunnies are underestimated in the animal kingdom, hopping doesn’t get easier the more you do it.
    – In a circuit format beatdown, insert rests, lest the the Pax take it upon themselves to insert slow strolls between stations like they’re browsing at TJ Maxx.

    Time was called and Aslan beckoned, with most Pax opting to traverse the grass and close out with a 5 burpee fine.

    Announcement:
    Downs 5k for Saturday, for those few who have miles left in them after RCR.

    COT / Ponzi prayed us out.

    Appendix: Appreciate the opportunity to lead the beatdown, and there will be more to come down the line. It’s funny how after being “in charge” so many times in my adult life, for a while now I’ve just enjoyed just doing as directed by the Q and seeing our brothers grow in ability and creativity. And it’s not lost on me that in the past I’ve led some people who are literally being paid to work out and push themselves physically don’t show the drive and passion and camaraderie we have amongst our group. Proud to be a part of this and SYITG.

  • St. Joseph and a Psycho Killer – from Goose

    There are rare occasions upon which YHC comes to discover that his firm opinions about some or other aspect of life may not be as accurate or informed as he once thought. And, sometimes, on even rarer occasions, YHC might even seek out deeper or unknown aspects of a particular area of life that much of the population seem to value but YHC sees as worthless or worse. This morning, YHC would share the results of one such venture.

    in a sliver of openness to potential value of country music, YHC stumbled across an old gem: “Psycho” by Jack Kittel, recorded in 1974. And, that’s as far as it got. No need to foray any deeper. The refrain starts, in a slow Texas drawl, “You think I’m psycho don’t you, mama?” So much for country.

    When YHC revealed that we’d be utilizing the results of his recent country study in this morning’s first exercise, the PAX had high hopes for either a country-conversion or something funny like “I Wanna Marry the Troops”. It didn’t take long for those hopes and giggles to fade into a few quetly uttered, “Oh, no”s.
    -Plank for the duration, merkins on “mama”.

    We recovered (physically), and moved into the actual theme of the beatdown, St. Joseph’s Day.
    St. Joseph went through some tough stuff, but it allowed him to participate at the deepest level in the most incredible, important event that has ever occurred on earth: God became man and lived among us. But, it wasn’t until he allowed himself, his decision-making to be led by a God he trusted despite not being able to see where it was all going.

    St. Joseph Dora–partner up for:

    1. St. Joseph finds out she’s pregnant and tries to sneak out and hit the road, but is stopped by the Angel Gabriel and runs back to Mary and her child: 100 Australian Sweat Angels, P2 sneaks out to the street and runs to the stop sign and nurs back.

    2. The governor selfishly calls for a census and forces everyone to travel back to the place of their heredity, and Joseph leads pregnant Mary all the way to Bethlehem, where he finds no room for them. But all these horrible circumstances lead to the fulfillment of many important prophecies and ultimately the revelation of God-become-man in a newborn: 200 genuflections while partner bear crawls to the sidewalk and runs back. (The Bonnie Blair b-day celebration yesterday made for some slow, sloppy genuflections.)

    3. The psycho king moves to kill all the young children in Bethlehem, and though God saves his son from an early death, He doesn’t stop Herod (or anyone else from then till now) from causing unimaginable suffering. Joseph flees with the baby and his mother to Egypt in obedience to the angel: 300 mummy walks (straight legs, toes touching outstretched hands) while partner cariocas to the sidewalk and back.

    After this, YHC waxed a bit on the nature of God’s decision to allow evil and suffering to continue in order to safeguard man’s freedom, which is required for his capacity to fully live and love. Instead of messing with that, in a genius stroke, he entered into our suffering, united himself to us exactly where he knew we felt most vulnerable, alone, and human. He knew that sharing our suffering (completely) would be an infinitely greater gift than taking it away, and he allowed St. Josph to do this with him from the very moment of his conception in Mary’s womb.

    They went through some tough stuff, but St. Joseph also got to live with him in their small little family and help form him into the man God had planned for him to be. Life in this family had to be incredibly blessed, so we would share in that blessing by sharing some suffering, too.

    Split into groups of 3: while one does 15 8-count bodybuilders, the other two are doing either LBC’s or SSH until he’s finished, then they rotate. Once done, they caught a quick 10-count before heading up to the Stage with 5. minutes remaining on the clock.

    One of the things St. Joseph is most known for is being upside down, buried in someone’s yard. The homeowners are under the impression this will somehow bring about the speedy sale of their home….No idea.

    In reparation for our boy being put so often into the dirt headfirst like a tent stake, the PAX took their positions, each near a column, for a Balls to the Wall Merkin Ring of Fire. Upside down, with feet up on the post and hands on the ground, the PAX took turns doing an upside down, head-first merkin, counting by each up to 40. Any further and more than one PAX would have passed out (and dental waivers may have needed to be passed out, too).

    We finished exactly at 6:00 and stepped down for COT, and Valve prayed us out.

    St. Joseph gave one of the best examples of how shared suffering is more of a gift than any comfort, knowledge, wealth, or fame could ever provide. He was allowed to share in God’s own suffering and life. This may sound unrealistic, but why else would 8 men show up at 5:15 am to let someone else tell them what they’re all gonna do, and the only guarantee is that it will hurt. And we can’t get enough. It’s not because we’re crazy, but because we were made for so much more than just avoiding pain and getting through day. We were made to choose to enter into life fully, and to do that with and for others in spite of (and actually through) suffering.

    Thanks for being willing to suffer with me this morning, fellas! I’ve never felt so alive!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Bonnie’s Bithday Bash – from Safety Valve

    Today we gathered to celebrate and commemorate the career of Bonnie Blair. Today is her birthday. On March 18, 1964 a legend was born. Speed skating was in her blood. Her Godmother was a Canadian speed skater and Blair herself started skating at the age of 2, becoming competitive by age 4. She was 19 when she debuted for the United States for the Olympics. During her speed skating career she amassed several World championships, and was the most decorated female speed skater of her time with 5 gold medals and a bronze medal during the Olympics. Today is for you Bonnie. Thank you for all the pain and gain that your namesake has created over the years.

    Warmaramma
    SSH
    Wind mills
    Willie Mayes Hayes
    Mountain climbers
    Arm circles forward
    Arm circles backward

    The Thangs
    Mosey to Rich mans loop. The loop became our ice rink/circuit with some imagination.

    Loop 1
    Speed skater training – Bonnie wasn’t born going as fast as she could. It took years of training to ultimately beat the World record and then beat her own world record several times. We focused on lower body strengthening to make us go fast.

    We ran the length of the loop stopping at every other light post, at which time an exercise was called out. The PAX were to complete 10 reps of that exercise and we moved on to the next light post. On the last two light poles, we pretended to speed skate (basically a run lunge kinda thing) and then sprint to the finish. PAX stayed together.

    10 squats
    10 squat jumps
    10 One legged squats right
    10 One legged squats left
    10 Apollo Oh nos

    Loop 2
    World skating competitions- this is where athletes compete yearly to improve themselves for the big stage (Olympics). Same as the last loop, we ran the length of the loop stopping every other light post to do the exercises below. We finished again with a pretend speed skater and a sprint to the finish. Pax stayed together.

    5 Bonnie Blair’s
    5 Goosies
    5 Gold Stars – Bonnie Blair then star jump
    5 Burpee Blairs – Bonnie Blair then Merkin
    5 Bonnie Blairs

    Loop 3
    The Olympics – we made it. No more Mr. Nice guy. This is the time to show what you have been training for. This one was on your own. Run the loop and complete the previous Bonnie exercises at each of the four corners of the loop. 15 reps instead of 5.

    15 Bonnie Blair’s
    15 Goosies
    15 Gold Stars – Bonnie Blair then star jump
    15 Burpee Blairs – Bonnie Blair then Merkin

    Gold medal – Pope
    Silver – Americas Best
    Bronze – Lil Cuz

    Completed our mile back to the flag and the finalist led us in a Mary. Pope calling for flying cockroaches, AB calling for “proper” leg raises where the feet never touched the ground, and Lil cuz finishing with penguins.

    COT, intentions and Cardinal prayed us out.

    Reflection on Bonnie’s success – Bonnie started skating at the age of 2. With constant instruction/coaching and with continued practice, it took her 22 years to earn her first Gold medal. Even with everything on her side going perfectly, it took 22 years for her to receive the ultimate “prize”. She truly was an amazing athlete to accomplish what she did, but Bonnie didn’t break a record every time she skated. Her best was a sub 39 second 500 meter sprint – she beat her own world record then. Her worst the next day was probably 45 seconds. She didn’t give up because one day was tough. She kept going to try and be the best version of herself possible. Things in this life may not work out when or how you want them to every time. Sticking to what you believe in and following your calling will bring you success. Maybe not in the way you think now, but in the way God wants it to happen later. Don’t ever give up on trying to be a better version of yourself. There is always potential to grow.

    Side note – Bonnie Blair supposedly is from a Scottish-Irish background. Thank you AB for the constant reminder of things that YHC does not know. The random bits of trivia you know never ceases to amaze. This is why YHC has not been invited on a trivia team trip yet. Waiting on that call though

  • “Pain exists in the mind.” – from America’s Best

    What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An ear (ehr)worm?
    No… a free men’s workout. Resilient… highly contagious. And once an idea for a beatdown has taken hold of the brain, it’s almost impossible to eradicate.
    Months ago, the idea for this beatdown was planted into YHC’s fragile eggshell mind by Paradox.
    Now, YHC had not seen Inception in years, so a refresher was necessary.
    (Since the movie is currently available only on Canadian Netflix, YHC may have had to commit some “light violation” of Netflix’s terms of service in order to view the movie.)

    Began as usual, with Warmarama, but YHC wanted to set up the disorientation and confusion early. Only 3 SSH were done; Enron looked up from setting his Whoop, and it was over.

    The first thang:
    The entire PAX enters together into the first dream layer:
    Dream on (Aerosmith)- Hold Al Gore during music, SSH during lyrics. Burpee on “sing,” merkin on “dream”, then change to hold plank and and merkins all subsequent “sing”s and “dream”s.

    Second Thang: for the next dream layer, it’s necessary to break into smaller groups.
    So we divided into partners and performed a Musical Dora – one partner does curls during song 1, and thrusters during 2nd song. Other partner is running a lap, and doing 5 derkins on the hill.

    Deepest dream layer: Limbo, on your own.
    In the world of Inception, Limbo is an “expanse of infinite raw subconscious,” described as “unconstructed dream space.”
    And so it came to be that we would suffer the deconstructed burpees of Yankee Jeaux’s dreams (Jurpees) in unconstructed dream space. AMRAP. On your own.
    For your listening pleasure: Sweet Dreams (are made of these) and Good Old Fashioned Nightmare.
    Not sure if the entire PAX experienced the extreme time dilation YHC did here, but these two songs seemed to last about 4 hours.

    “Non, je ne regrette rien” was the song used in Inception to alert the dreamers to wake into the higher dream state.
    So when it played, we ran a lap around the civic center to “kick” back out of limbo and up into the second dream.

    Second Thang again:Repeated Musical Dora, this time with sit ups on the (up) hill.
    May I submit that this exercise henceforth be known as “the drug mule”? Because when I was done I had so much grass in my crack I felt like I was crossing the border with Cheech and Chong.

    “Non, je ne regrette rien” played again, so again we ran a lap around CC (before song ends!) and reunited entire PAX to finish up in the original dream.

    And the last thang:
    “Wake Me Up” : flutter kicks until chorus. Big boy sit ups during chorus, Big Boy Sit Up Ups (stand ups)on “Wake Me”; Freddy Mercury during breakdown

    “Non, je ne regrette rien” was supposed to play one final time. Maybe we were supposed to run one more lap?
    Either way, not sure if we got to that final bit… but I hope this blast has summed up the rigorous confusion of the beatdown.

    COT. Goose prayed us out.

    Thanks for showing up for the mayhem. Always an honor to lead you maniacs.

    AB Sees…
    A parallel between Han Solo and Yankee Jeaux:

    How was I confident that we could make the lap around the Civic Center before that French song ended? First, a story:
    Han Solo claimed that his Millennium Falcon “made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.” Critics and nerds love to point out that this makes no sense, because a parsec is a unit of distance, not time.

    A few weeks ago, YHC was planning this beatdown and so asked YJ “how long does it take to run a lap around the Civic Center?” His answer: 0.3 miles.

    So how was I confident we would make it in time?
    Not at all. But Goose was back! And showing up only minutes after me, informed me “I’m going to run a few laps to warm up.”
    Giving me the perfect opportunity to time him… as long as we can all run like Goose, we should be fine. How confident was I that we could all run like Goose?
    Not at all. But sometimes you have to take a leap of faith. Or otherwise, “become an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone.”