F3 New Orleans

Tag: Duke of Hazard

  • Tribute: Bishop Mario Dorsonville – from Goose

    YHC was in the process of building a fun Saturday beatdown when Cardinal called with some devastating news: Bishop Dorsonville had passed away at 6:50pm from complications due to to treatment of liver issues. He had been dealing with a lot of pretty major medical stuff over the past couple of months, but he wasn’t anywhere near death, so this came as a shock to everyone. After some time grieving with the M and connecting with friends and family, YHC knew there was still a beatdown to be built for the morning, and the original theme wasn’t gonna work anymore. A solid tribute would be the only appropriate way to move forward.

    F3 tributes are usually put together for fallen soldiers or policemen killed in the line of duty, and they’re defined by a single, very difficult routine that provides for maximum effort to honor the fallen. Though not a soldier or a policeman, Bishop Mario Dorsonville offered his life deeply and continuously for the people of the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux in a uniquely heroic way, and his untimely death deserves such a tribute.

    When he was named Bishop of Houma-Thibodaux, he had no idea where it was or what to expect, but he accepted it as the Lord’s will and resolutely headed this way. After his installation, he told me (on multiple occasions and with deep, passionate sincerity) that this was not going to be a stop on the way to a bigger assignment for him. He had already made up his mind and had communicated to his superiors that these would be his people for the rest of his life. These would be the people to whom he would belong, and they would belong to him until his death or retirement. He had no family left on earth outside of some distant relatives back in Colombia, and he didn’t know anyone here. But, he quickly connected with YHC’s family and with Cardinal and his family. Cardinal would become his secretary, his right hand man in all things, his brother in every sense of the word, his companion on the journey. We just had no idea the journey would be so short.

    The PAX gathered in the cold gloom and YHC was grateful to sink into what has become a strong brotherhood, a team of HIMs defined by gratitude and humble grit. It was nice to enter that circle and let the chatter wash over us. YHC could tell the 2.0’s were grateful for that, too–they were close with Bishop, like an uncle, and they had just received the hard news that morning in the truck on the way there.

    A warmup of the usuals, including the introduction of what YHC labeled “Lafayette Nightclubs”, a weird but extremely effective arm exercise experienced in Lafayette a couple of weeks ago (they called them “Moroccan Night Clubs”, but anyone who’s been to Morocco knows better). It starts with hands up, elbows down at your sides, then extend up and outward about 45 degrees before coming back down. This one’s quickly becoming one of YHC’s favorites since it works out an area that’s been hard to loosen up.
    Also, Duke unwittingly provided some comic relief as he covered his whole face with his knit had to ward off the cold wind and kept drifting into Safety Valve’s circle of safety and windmilling him in the face. I think he actually wore it like that for the entire warmup.

    YHC then explained what we’d be doing and why–some of the PAX knew already and some didn’t–and we split into teams of three, grabbed one coupon per team, and headed to the lower field.

    The tribute would consist of a Dora-like routine wherein teams of three would complete the following exercises/reps:
    -B: Burpees 200
    -I: Imperial Walkers 300
    -S: Side Straddle Hops 400
    -H: Heels to Heaven 300
    -O: Ono’s (Apolo Ono’s) 200 (2:1)
    -P: Peter Parker Merkins 100
    There were two cones set up about 15 yards apart, and while one of the trio chipped away at the burpees, another at the other cone started on the Imperial Walkers, and the third traveled from the first to the second via block-and-bear. Upon arrival, he took over on the Imperial Walker reps, and the second traversed back via block-and-bear to take over on burpees. Once a rep count was completed, that side would move onto the next letter’s exercise.

    Yankee Joe came running over just as YHC was completing the explanation, but unfortunately, he made number 13, so we had to send him all the way back to grab another coupon so he could join one of the groups and make a foursome, requiring two men to block-and-bear together. He didn’t complain, though, and shared that he had heard about Bishop that morning, and though he may not have planned to be there otherwise, he had rushed out to the door to support YHC. That was deeply moving, and YHC was almost sorry to have to put him through such a grueling routine…almost.

    It started rough and remained rough throughout, especially with the cold coupons numbing the fingers, making it hard to tell if you were fully gripping the block on the pulls. But, the variations of exercises and switching between them made it a little more doable (a little). Once all had finished except Suckle and AB (that’s how you know there may have been some widespread form-fudging), the rest of the PAX took 5 PPMerkins apiece to fill the gap, and we lined up for the next movement.

    Indian Run via the road to the far gate (by the chimney field), the last guy dropping to do 3 genuflections before running to the front. This was tougher than it otherwise would have been, obviously because of the effort that was just poured in by the PAX, and the cold wind was a-blowin’. Once we arrived at the gate, YHC called a halt to share some words and an explanation of what we’d be doing next.

    Bishop Dorsonville loved intensely. He yearned for familial relationships, and he naturally gave himself over, opening his heart wide to those he encountered. This was often exhausting for him, especially as he encountered more and more people here, and many of them weren’t always sure how to receive such an intense, sincere, familial love. This was painful for him, particularly since he had no family or friends here to fall back on, no place to be safe and comfortable with people who knew his heart, to whom he already belonged. But, he didn’t stop. He continued to press on and show up and pour himself out, praying for strength and growing connections with people here. Thankfully, Cardinal’s prayer led him to say yes to the request to be Bishop’s full-time secretary (which is more of like a partner/assistant), and God allowed he and his family to provide a “home” for him. God also allowed YHC and family to give him some harbor in the storm when he’d visit the house to feel at home with the mess and beauty of family life.

    To honor this intense, often painful journey of pouring himself out unreservedly for the people here, we would run as hard as we could from there via the road to the parking area in front of the main building, just past the Thunderdome. It was about 1/3 of a mile, which was long enough to be friggin’ hard, but not long enough to get into a groove or find a good pace. He was the Bishop for only 9 months, which was long enough to be deeply difficult but not long enough to get comfortable.

    YHC sent Yote and the 2.0’s on the shorter route between the fields, and we lined up. On signal, we took off at a hard pace and kept it hard–YHC could hear the footsteps of Suckle not far behind, and the rest were not far behind him. The body was exhausted, but we had a good reason to offer it up, to not measure how much more we could take, especially because we knew it would end soon enough. This part hit YHC hard, and the tears wanted to take over, but the opportunity to pour it all out and the support of this awesome crew provided the drive needed to put the pedal to the metal. (And, it almost provided YHC’s first career pukeage, too.)

    We went down to the field and grabbed the gear before heading back to the flag for COT, and Dox prayed us out, all of us focusing on Cardinal’s grief and Bishop’s eternal rest.
    Thanks, again, gentlemen, for your support and for entering into an unforeseen tribute beatdown in sub-freezing temperatures. F3 continues to be a deeper, more important gift than I know any of us could’ve ever expected.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • A Brick Called Dora – from Yankee Joe

    YHC was looking for something unique, challenging, and engaging for the Peltch. As I labored over various ideas throughout the week, very important questions came to mind.

    Questions like, “Have you ever been further endeared to a friend because of his farts of sweet, tangy musk?”

    Or others like, “If you made a priest miserable and then had him carry you 25 yards on his back, would you have to do penance?”

    Or perhaps, “Is denim water repellant and insulated?”

    Or, the one that was nagging me most, “Have you ever felt, I mean truly felt and really appreciated the firmness of another man’s butt cheeks?”

    These questions would challenge even the greatest of men, but they say geniuses choose green. But when buying our minivan, YHC didn’t choose green. On top of it all, there was the prospect of four FNG’s!

    That said, out of the darkness of beatdown designer’s block, came the answer:

    It would need to be crafty, annoying, and manipulative. It would need to be painful, repetitive, and unnecessary. It would need to pull hamstrings and push out farts. There was only one person in the whole of the Exicon that could answer the call.

    Dora.

    Also, did you know Dora loves bricks. She’s mighty mighty, lettin’ it all hang out.

    ———————————-

    How It Started

    As it turns out, only one FNG made it out, which is still a reason to celebrate. A spritely young man, formerly called Richard, showed up in jeans, a la O’Shem. He would go on to smile his way through the insanity, running (or rather lunging) circles around the rest of us. His naming – and it’s a darn tootin’ good name – will be discussed later.

    Also, we had the triumphant return of Hand Grenade. With him, HG brought back the ANIMAL shirt. And there was much rejoicing…yayy…

    Following the woefully incomplete and liability ridden disclaimer by YHC (thanks Cardinal for reminding me that this was a thing), we jumped into warmarama at the locals bar: SSH, windmills, arm circles, mountain climbers, self love, high knees, butt kicks, Willy Mays Hayes.

    During this time, I was concerned that with the absence of Paradox and Enron, the lack of snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter would have a harmful impact on the beatdown. YHC needed not worry his perfectly shaped bald little head. America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz stepped into the void with a deluge of… well…snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter. It was insubordinate and churlish. YHC don’t play, lukwalicuh?

    ——————————

    As a warm-up and prelude to the madness that would follow, we performed exercises with the Dora the Explorer theme song. As some may not be aware, a proper Dora typically moves in rounds of three, covering the upper body, moving down to the core, and finishing with the lower body (i.e. merkins, gas pumpers, and jump squats).

    So, we listened to the theme song, doing shoulder taps, and performing merkins on every “Dora.” Coyote sang along, perhaps even hitting some harmony. Or maybe it was Jackknife.

    Then we listened to the theme song again, this time doing flutter kicks with a gas pumper on every “Dora” (or maybe it was a reverse crunch…you’ll have to talk to Enron).

    Then we listened to the theme song AGAIN, holding Al Gore and jump squating on “Dora.” By this time, whichever 2.0 was singing along had stopped, unamused by the three minutes of their life he would never get back.

    Adequately warmed up, we partnered up (Cardinal chose YHC. He chose poorly.), one set of bricks per pair, and moseyed to the main field.

    ——————————–

    How It Went – DORA 1 2 3 with Bricks

    Fresh off the 9,000-merkin morning from Enron the Thursday prior, pecs were still hungover. As such, nothing like a little hair of the dog to get you right. The Dora 1 2 3 went as follows:

    100 Shoulder tap merkins

    – P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, pumping opposite arm (think Mario lunging) WITH bricks; nur back
    – P2 – Shoulder tap merkins
    – Flapjack
    —-

    200 V-ups

    – P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, completing butterflies (both arms) WITH bricks; nur back
    – P2 – V-ups
    – Flapjack
    —-

    300 Jump Squats

    – P1 lunge 25 yards to cone; each lunge shoulder pressing (both arms) WITH bricks, nur back
    – P2 – Jump squats
    – Flapjack
    —

    YHC grossly underestimated the time it would take to complete the thang, pondering the possibility of cutting it short. The lunges sucked so much that YHC was desperate to get back to the actual exercises. YHC writes this blast, both legs are in full spasm.

    However, somewhere in the midst of the jump squats, I looked at the PAX grinding, then YHC almost yakked.

    America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz, through their shenanigans were tearing the circuit up and were the first pair to finish. YHC also noted our FNG on the far flank, keeping up with El Papa. In between YHC’s dry heaves, I thought about the circle of life, watching a 55-year old grind out reps with a man 40 years his younger. Awesome F3 moment.

    With substantial completion by the PAX, YHC finally called for recovery. With time not on my side, YHC chose to forgo the workout to Brick House by the Commodores (stolen from an Enron beatdown last year) and move into the next, albeit truncated thang.

    —————————–

    Lazy Doras

    The Lazy Dora typically includes the same 1, 2, 3 format, but instead of one partner transporting as the timer, he stays and does another exercise (i.e. chilcutt peter parkers). Partner 1 becomes the timer, completing reps. For 100, 10 reps, flapjack; for 200, 20 reps, flapjack, and so on. Alas, we only had time for the first round.

    YHC added in a ‘buy-in’, in which partners took turns giving a piggyback 25 yards and back to start. Then,
    – P1 – Bonnie Blair’s WITH bricks (2:1) x10 reps
    – P2 – Chilcutt peter parkers until P1 completed the 10 reps
    – Flapjack

    ————————————

    Bridge of Hate

    Having cut the Lazy Dora short by two rounds, YHC asked the PAX for two things. To do as he said and not to ask any questions. And yes, America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz BOTH proceeded to ask their own questions. It’s really something.

    The bridge of hate is the inverted tunnel of love. The pax forms a line by laying on their back shoulder to shoulder. One pax will then be lifted and passed down the line of the pax that are laying on the ground. When the pax that was being passed down the line gets to the front he lays next to the last man and the man at the rear of the line then gets passed down, so forth and so on.

    This proved to be perhaps the hardest and most hilarious F3 experience for YHC to date. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing, continually being a weak link in the PAX chain as men were passed down the line.

    Popeye started us off and with no reference for best practices, kinda just rolled (literally) through the struggling hands trying to keep him in the air. It was also a bold move exposing his front side only weeks after his hernia procedure. True to form, Pop just smirked as he watched us mere mortals struggle.

    After that, men got the hang of it – lie on the back, stiff as a board. It was here that one could really appreciate the firmness of butt cheeks that only ultra marathon training can provide. Pope was just a joy as noted by Pop and Maneater. We finished the line with the 2.0’s, which was equally amusing.

    ————————————–

    Moseyed back to the flag. FNG naming. ‘Ol Denim ‘Dick’ Naquin became [Mom Jeans] per the workout attire mentioned earlier. A firecracker of positivity and badassery, we hope to see a lot more of the Canadian tuxedo.

    Interesting and fun fact…Mom Jeans is a cousin of Prius. This is worth noting because several PAX are currently re-EH’ing Prius to join us. Looking forward to having both cousins next week.

    COT and Maneater prayed us out. We finished the morning with a Coffeteria.

    Thank you, Men, for grinding out with me. To lean into ‘the suck’, then find yourself laughing till your jaw muscles hurt is a real gift that cannot be manufactured in many other settings. All of that followed by sharing a warm cup on a cold morning makes this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. If that ain’t a God thang, I don’t know what is.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux

  • Gold, Frankinscence, & Myrrhkins – from Paradox

    These the kings of Thibodaux are.
    Bearing gifts they travel so far.
    Field and fountain .
    Moor and mountain
    Following yonder star!

    Duke! Get the Camels!
    We’re going to Bethlehem
    Roll that beautiful beatdown footage !

    18 pax, with assorted 2.0’s, gathered on a chilly Peltch gloom for a journey…well actually 3 journeys (it’s well documented YHC has a problem maintaining a single theme during beatdowns)

    These leagues of learned men were hungry for a cardio feast and little did they know YHC had a buffet ready to serve from the East….hold it right there…I see you shaking your head…If you have a medical condition that is affected by wisemen puns, please exit this backblast. Your condition will not improve

    YHC rolled in on 2 camel humps after an extended garage search for Balthasar and Melchior but had to settle for jump ropes and tennis balls. YHC then moseyed into a gaggle of waiting magi and saw one foreigner towering above the rest. The unmistakable visage of Toe Loop had the pax in a frenzy and it was great to see him back in mix. Goose screeched in with the Van of Truth right on time. These pax were frankly incensed to get started and myrrhbe just myrrhbe we could go for gold today. Pleasantries, insults, and coupons were dispersed and we got down to business .

    Warmup
    Colder than expected winds from the east and a larger than expected group led YHC to some high rep counts to buy time for internal calculations. Plus the added benefit that nothing gets the pax full attention more than shoulder centric warmups.
    YHC then split the pax into teams of 3/4 (math is an elective at Homer High) each with a coupon and we headed for the thunderDome.

    Journey #1
    Two of today’s journeys would have clearly defined geographic destinations with goals to accomplish, lakes to sit by and a King to honor in the process. Before starting these though, YHC wanted to continue Gooses recent individual appraisals of our first F journey.
    YHC instructed the pax complete AMRAP burpees, merkins , bbsus.
    All for one minute each with a goal of establishing a benchmark for the year. We will return to these quarterly to assess progress and videos of form will be periodically sent to Sheriff Jeaux’s office for review.
    Lil Jon led us in the greatest of motivational hymns and all considered what they would turn down for.

    Journey #2 Santa Fe

    It’s the new year and if we want to set fitness goals then the first step is to know exactly where we are (see journey #1)
    The logical next step is to take a look at your own version of the mall map and find the arrow denoted “you are here “ then have a long think about where you want to be.
    Well, if there is any place in the world where I’d like to be to have a really deep think then it’s prolly an adoration chapel….BUT if there were a second place then it’s right next to that Lake …you know the one…it’s just 80 miles to Santa Fe.

    Dean Summerwind led us and we completed:

    “Santa Fe”- Bonnie Blair
    “Parked” Squat
    “Lake “ – Tin soldier
    With Al gore holds for maybe 5 seconds.
    The pax thoroughly enjoyed it with Popeye adding it to his “play at my funeral “playlist.

    Da Main Thang a Lang

    Journey #3 Arabia to Bethlehem

    We were feeling pretty dang good about ourselves with the 80 miles to Santa Fe so we set our sights a little farther …

    800 miles to make Santa Pay.
    That’s right , Jan 6 is STILL Christmas on my calendar you jolly fat man and we got 800 miles to get to baby Jesus so you better hop aboard , this pain train is leaving the station!

    3 Rounds of reps to complete as a 3 King Trio representing the aforementioned 800 miles .
    We would intermingle trivia and the fine arts to hone our wiseman skills. The trivia was hand selected from ABs learned league sample questions and YHC went easy on the pax with only the “ >50 percent correct” categories.
    There would be burpees on the line and we all know Cardinal does his best work when threatened with cardio. I mean seriously if you grew up a Dragon Ball Z nerd like YHC you can imagine ordinary Cardinal going full Super Saiyan when you challenge his heart with burpees but leverage it with trivia.

    Round 1 – 300 curls
    P1 coupon curls
    P2 run to the gate and back (timer)
    P3 Mountain climbers

    Trivia Round 1
    1.) Fill in the blank
    Mega, Giga, Tera, -blank-, Exa

    The pax made a few educated guesses here but took 5 burpees on the chin.

    2.) Herbaceous plant known as scientific name Trifolium
    Cardinal honored his namesake answering that St Patrick’s trinity Clover was correct and saved us from 5 burpees

    3.) a spiders organ used to produce silk ?
    Goose used his experience Cosplaying as SpiderDad to answer Spinneret and save us another 5 burps.

    After our penalty 5 burpees we stopped to consider what the magi may be feeling 300 miles in. Should we “turn around” ??

    JBL fired up a F3 Thib classic with Bonnie Tyler’s Total eclipse of the heart. (See GroupMe Diagram for belting vs crooning concerns)

    Flutter kicks on song
    Leg Raise on all Turn Arounds

    Round 2 200 Thrusters
    P1 jump rope
    P2 run around thunderdome building

    Round 2 Trivia
    1.) What word is the motto of a western US state, a brand of vacuum cleaner, and what Archimedes is alleged to have exclaimed before he left his tub and ran naked through the streets of Syracuse? EUREKA! Not sure who had credit for this one but they saved us 5 burps.
    2.) Dantes Divine Comedy is an epic poem divided into three canticas. The first is Inferno, what are the other two? PURGATORIO, PARADISIO – Cardinal for the win!
    3.) With the single exception of 1989 when Darrell Waltrip passed the checkered flag on Hoosier tires, every Daytona 500 winner since 1969 has driven on tires from what manufacturer. GOODYEAR
    Pax went 3/3 and enjoyed a pleasant 5 burpees.

    Round 3 – The Home Stretch
    This would have originally been 300 SSH but time required us to adapt the 300 miles into a full Rarajapari sprint home .

    With the goal of bringing your 3 gifts (pax , tennis balls , and coupon ) safely to Bethlehem (the flag) and a penalty of 5 burpees for the last team.
    YHC tried to be slick and set his team on a “around the crapper “ track but we got bogged down in the marsh only rescued by SuperFast and Maneaters willingness to dive into ankle deep puddles .
    It came down to the wire until AB took a dagger to our hearts with a Beckham bending kick to the flag.
    Team Goose took the win and a poorly led team dox ate the burpees.
    (Can someone teach me to futbol’ )

    3 minutes of Mary at the flag to finish where we wafted many backblasts and only dreamed of smelling sweeter incense.

    The counting
    The naming
    YHC gave ManEater the inVESTment for eating those coupon thrusters like they were breakfast muffins.
    Dilly Dilly prayed us out .

    RUN CAJUN RUN SIGN UP
    ITS ONLY A MILE – FEB 17

    Looking forward to an awesome year of progress with you chaps.
    It’s a privilege to lead.

    Epilogue

    The following is an excerpt from the award-winning biography of Dave Mitchell

    “America’s Best of Times”

    Written by the Pax of F3 Thibodaux

    Foreword by Squanto

    Chapter 18 : The Best of Us

    “We buried him on a Tuesday. Tuff was always his favorite beatdown ya know…its where he got his start. Goose at 106 years old, sang a stirring rendition of “Wind Beneath My Wings” followed by Valve ceremoniously sprinkling flourescein into the dirt. A light wind stirred the leaves on that quiet Virginian hillside. We had a few last moments to spend with our friend, the best of America. He looked solemn in that home built brewpon casket. Like any moment he would growl and do one last leg raise. The gray of his beard shimmering like the alpaca vest he had worn hundreds of times in a decorated life of service. We waited around at the grave after, swapping stories of beatdowns long blasted.

    Thats when the great granddaughter of the beast approached us with an envelope.
    “My great grandad had two requests in his will” she said.
    “#1 Make sure Yankee Jeaux is doing full extension Apollo Onos. I don’t know who Jeaux is but make sure he knows he was very adamant about this.
    And #2 Give this letter to the men. She opened it and read aloud.”:

    “In the waiting list of life you brothers were the wisest of men, my true learned league, never forget what we did, it was important”

    She hit play on a small musical device and walked off as we staired out across the fading twilight, the music played and somewhere in the distance a whippoorwill crooned softly.

    “Once upon a time I was falling in love. But now I’m only falling apart. Theres nothing I can do …a total eclipse of the heart

    SYITG
    Dox

  • 12 Glorious Days – from Goose

    It was a chilly morning, and YHC was still filled with the Christmas spirit on this sixth day of Christmas. There may have only been one Goose-a-laying, but there were 16 PAX who gathered late in the gloom, including a brave FNG and his 2.0.

    After the disclaimer, warmups were quiet as they typically are without Dox, though Enron bared the InVESTment early, giving hope to the thicker PAX that the zipper might be zippable after all. There was no short-changing on reps or exercises as YHC needed some serious motion-lotion after this PAST week’s Dox/YJ leg destruction combo.

    All grabbed coupons and Duke grabbed YJ’s Goose-Grinch head-on-a-stick and we headed to The Chimney, which is always much farther than it should be. The head was planted in the permafrost with much effort and YHC revealed the theme: the 12 Days of Christmas/Fitmas, to be performed in traditional F3 style. YHC tried to focus on the great gift of getting to really dig into Christmas for an entire two weeks, but most of the PAX just heard “ascending ladder of ridiculousness”.

    The routine went like this: YHC would reveal the exercise of each ascending day and write it on the back of the Goose-Grinch head (couldn’t find the marker board or anything that would stand up in an open field). Each new day’s exercise would then be added to the previous in ascending ladder style. This meant we started with Day 1, then did Day 2 and Day 1, all the way until Day 12 through Day 1 (or almost). Here’s the list of exercises:
    1 Bear crawl to the chimney (about 20 yards, sung by all the PAX in unison with gusto, or maybe just Duke and Jack-knife)
    2 Diamond Merkins
    3 Jump Squats
    4 WW3 Situps
    5 8-count Manmakers
    6 Freddys Mercurying (4-count)
    7 Triceps extending
    8 coupons curling
    9 Bonnies Blairing
    10 Peter Parkers Merkining
    11 J-Lo’s hipping
    12’s (a set of 12’s with burpees at the head and genuflections at the chimney; run there, nur back)

    Even before the 12’s were introduced, one of the PAX, who shall remain nameless, suggested that the 9th day should be changed to “9 legs kicking Goose’s crotch”, and though Duke tried to comply, the Bonnies continued Blairing and order was restored.

    There was one incident wherein YJ, the ever-vigilant form policeman/expert, concerned for the health and joint strain potential of the clydesdales on the far side of the group, came over and joined them to watch to see if there speed was a result of poor form. Turns out, it wasn’t, and he finished that set faster than he had originally thought possible because he was keeping up with the guys around him. Another proof of the strange psycho-physical dymamics at work in the mind of man and further confirmation of the massive value of F3. YJ quickly took up his former position after that set.

    YHC’s singing of the entire list after announcing each new day’s “gift” gave the PAX a solid break between sets, and so it wasn’t until the 12th Day was revealed that mutiny again threatened to prevail. A rousing speech about squeezing every last drop of Christmas wonder out the season up to the very last minute of the 12th day was heard by the PAX as, “Here’s something really stupid since you’re already worn out and hoping it was almost over.” Anger and scheming were brewing as YHC explained that the 12th day would be a set of 12’s including burpees and genuflections. Thankfully, concern for the health of the fading FNG diverted their attention long enough for YHC to shout “On your own, begin!” And, they did. Incredibly, they did. And they didn’t stop until YHC had to call it for time.

    Encouraging words were given by many to the FNG as we gathered our coupons and layers of winter clothing for the long mosey back to the flag. The last minute was filled with a high plank before count-off, name-off and FNG naming ceremony. Dean Roy (10) was named jack-knife due to his cache of pocket knives and other weapons, and Daryl Roy (38) was named Maneater despite the many interesting facts and unique traits that he shared. His first name, Daryl, is shared with Daryl Hall of Hall and Oates, the duo who sing “Maneater”, and, most importantly, he winced at the suggestion, which solidified his new identity.

    Enron inVESTed YJ with The InVESTment for his foray into more challenging waters, even if for one set, and even if it was in an effort to try to blow the whistle on someone sacrificing form for speed. Motivation is motivation, I guess.

    Announcements: New Year’s Day is Monday, and a beatdown at The Stage is the perfect way to start 2024 (at the regular time!). It’s also a great day to start Exodus 90 with a solid number of this awesome PAX. For those still on the fence, the first meeting is Friday, 5:30am at St. Thomas if you want to check it out.

    Lil’ Cuz prayed us out, and the PAX basked for a while in the glory of shared suffering well earned. Grateful for such an awesome, hard-working, strong-hearted crew!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • How The Goose Stole PAXmas, Vol. 2 – from Yankee Joe

    Following the PAXville beatdown this morning, Goose and Popeye were discussing mental toughness. That point where you are up against the wall, begging for the pain to end…for someone to save you. Popeye commented, “Well, it’s got to end at some point.” Through the endorphins kicking and my legs destroyed by humping monkeys, I was reminded of a similar sentiment.

    In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven, a Navy Seal, delivered a commencement speech at The University of Texas. No doubt, many of you are familiar with it. Adm. McRaven shared 10 lessons he learned from BUDS training, considered the most grueling trials the military has to offer. He shared these as advice to help the young graduates “change the world.” If you haven’t watched it, you should. The link is below.

    All of the lessons are relatable to civilian life, but it was #10 that most stood out to me. The lesson discussed a brass bell that hung in the center of the BUDS training facility, visible to all of the candidates.

    McRaven said, “All you have to do to quit is ring the bell.

    Ring the bell, and you no longer have to wake up at five o’clock.

    Ring the bell and you no longer have to be in the freezing cold swims.

    Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT, and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training.

    All you have to do is ring the bell to get out.

    If you want to change the world, DON’T EVER, EVER RING THE BELL.”


    ——————–

    Without hesitation, each of you, the Men of F3 Thibodaux, personify this idea. And perhaps none more than our stalwart Goose. F3 has a term, “IM3,” which is a Man’s statement to the PAX that “I AM THIRD.” The idea of ‘living third’ means that as men, we deliberately place ourselves third behind God and our Community (including our families).

    When I started F3, it was about ME. I needed to get in shape. I needed an outlet. I needed to fit into my pants. I needed to make friends…like real adult, male friends.

    I needed…something.

    I believe Goose’s vision of F3 teaches us that those needs, while they may be important, only matter when they are pursued by virtue of servant leadership. As men, there can be no greater call than to love God through serving our families and our community.

    In this light, ‘never ringing the bell’ is not about working through our own pain, nor is it about serving our own needs. Rather, it is a decision to put our oxygen mask on first before assisting others.

    Our strength comes not from ‘Man Makers’, Goblet Squats, or Thrusters (well maybe for Wet Tap). By ringing the bell, we would give up on far more than just ourselves. The stakes are too high. It’s an awesome and terrifying charge.

    Of course, no man can do it alone, and that is where God and each of you come in. Every beatdown, every exercise, every rep, every prayer…I am surrounded by humble warriors who REFUSE to quit. Not for your own sakes, but for the call you CHOSE to answer.

    Goose, you are the definition of a servant leader. It would be impossible to describe the impact you have had on so many of us (cardboard cutouts of your likeness not excluded). Besides…your humility wouldn’t tolerate the praise anyway.

    Instead, I’ll just say, thank you. Thank you from all of us…for never, EVER ringing the bell.

    ——————–

    Last Stanzas from Today’s Story:

    “Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
    Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!

    And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
    The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!

    From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
    Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their family

    Though – from the HEART of the BayoU, he soon will move on

    In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll still carry on.

    Merry Christmas!

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux

    ——————–

    The Ridiculous Beatdown

    Warmarama

    SSHs
    Abe Vigodas (slow windmills) – Prancer is a terrible movie, btw.
    Arm circles
    Squats
    Imperial Squat Walkers
    Self Love
    Shark hops
    Partners
    Mosey to baseball field, bring coupons

    ——————–

    Tribute to Anker (For Unto Us a Child Is Born – Handel)

    “For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).

    Burpees on: Son, Child, Wonderful, Counselor, God, Father, Prince of Peace (approx. 43 burpees)

    Thang 1: Goose Training Camp

    – Narration #1 (this was far toooo long)

    Dora’s
    – P1 runs
    – P2 J’Lo’s, Plank Jacks, Mountain Climbers, chilcutt peter parkers
    – Flapjack
    – Four sets
    Mosey to playground

    Roof Crawling Practice
    – P1 bear crawl to other side of hill; at bottom, 20 derkins; traverse the apparatus, go down the slide, mosey back to partner
    – P2 does Genuflects
    – Flapjack
    Mosey to PAXville

    ——————–

    Thang 2: The Looting of Paxville

    – Narration #2

    House 1 – “Smooth Like Honey(suckle)” Home of the Smoothie Sting
    – AMRAP
    – P1 Nur to cone, sprint back
    – P2 monkey humpers
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 2 – “Dr. and Mr. Owens”
    – AMRAP
    – Man Makers
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 3 – “St. Cardinal Co-Cathedral and Coffee Co.”
    – AMRAP
    – T – BOMBs (start in crab position, legs out together, legs apart, legs out together, back to crab position
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 4 – “La Casa Drogas de Tana”
    – AMRAP
    – Pickleball volley
    – 2 burpees on every dropped ball

    House 5 – “EnRon We (Don’t) Trust”
    – AMRAP
    – Thrusters
    – MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab Walk

    House 6 – “Eye Candy Captains, LLC” Safety First, America’s Worst
    – AMRAP
    – The Jurp (by 10’s) – bet you can’t do more than three
    – Speed squats, Merkins, Mtn Climbers, Jump squats, LBCs

    ——————–

    Thang 3: Back to the Goose cave

    – P2 rides P1, flapjack at halfway point
    – Return to start, P2 rides P1 like a donkey, flapjack at halfway point
    – Sprint to Goose cave (Peltch Treehouse)

    ——————–

    Thang 4: Paxmas came anyway

    – Narration #3
    – Sprint back to PAXville and Goose returns PAX gifts

    Goose returns presents to the Pax

    – F3 Thib – 4th Wave (Class of 2023) – Black paint coupons
    – F3 Thib – 3rd Wave – Black and Maroon coupons
    – F3 Thib 2nd Wave – Black, Gold, and/or Maroon Coupons
    OG’s – Black and White with Gold trim Coupons
    Goose – White, Black and Gold Coupon

    COT and Cardinal prayed us out

    ——————–

    How The Goose Stole PAXmas

    Narration #1 How the Goose Stole Paxmas!

    Every Pax down in Paxville liked PAXmas a lot
    But the Goose who lived just up the bayou, did not!

    The Goose hated PAXmas! The whole PAXmas season!
    Now, please don’t ask why. Pope’s athletic prowess prolly the reason.

    It could be because Goose hated the cold.
    It could be because, like his truck, he was too old.

    But I think that the most likely reason of all
    Was that his heart, like Dox’s Mudgear shorts, was three sizes too small.

    But, whatever the reason, his heart or his arthritis ,
    He stood there on PAXmas Eve ISI’ing just to spite us

    He stared down from the Stage with an indignant, head tilting view
    At the warm lighted windows along Lafourche Bayou

    For he knew every Pax down in Paxville below
    Was busy posting stupid GIF’s and jammin’ to Bieber’s Mistletoe.

    He thought of Paradox and his wife who’s a doctor
    Dox claims to be one too which shamefully mocks her.

    He thought of the drugs Montana be slingin’
    And he shuddered at the bad cadence that he always be bringin’

    The Goose remembered the Goats and some random machine
    That dude showed up for a month, never again to be seen

    Then there was Cardinal, whoop sales-man of the cloth
    But watch him fake burpees, his sins point to sloth
    But he’s a priest with no equal, becoming a Bishop is next
    But God help you, oh good Lawd help you if you send a green text.

    Wet Tap jump squatting with coupons, that’s what real men did
    He never got the memo – that Jurptober had ended.

    He thought of Lil’ Cuz, bald head shiny like the sea
    That neck like a tree trunk, like Treebeard with Gris Gris
    A patriot among patriots, you’ll oft hear him decree
    “This is ‘Merica, Jack…Yee Yee!”

    He reflected on Superfun(d) and his posts that were laggin’
    But Fun(d) redeemed himself fully, naming Jeaux’s Prius the Douche Wagon.

    In a similar way, Fence Post showed up in stints,
    But without any postin’, we’ll just call him ‘Fence’

    He hated the youngsters who thought they were wicked SMAAHHT
    But Shart-’eh got more than he bargained for…
    that time he tried to FAAHHT

    Goldilox with calves as big as your head
    He’s a really nice guy — all the PAX said
    But when the three bears tried to scare him out of the bed
    Lox made a rug out of Papa Bear instead.

    The Goose said good riddance to ‘Ol Paradiddle;
    He’s a drummer, remember…F3 was fourth fiddle.
    But woe to those who judge, you’ll make The Saturdiddle List
    Beware three inch running shorts with a mustache emerging from the mist.

    He tolerated Kilo and his twelve different ve-HICLES
    He loathed Picadilly’s balls and Tana’s subsequent pickles
    With falafels in the kitchen and the cross court dinkin’
    Piccadilly’s doing Pickle Pounders for his bio on LinkedIn

    Then there’s Safety Valve and Honeysuckle whose beatdowns we dread
    They both claim to love you then play Christopher Cross instead.
    With the nurring, burping, and merking, they leave us for dead
    Imagine a Suckle – Valve twofer —
    hey, that’s what she said.

    But what about Smooth, always working the night shift
    After pickle pounders with Kilmer, we thought he might drift
    Instead he’s founding AO’s, he’s def here to stay
    The tougher the challenge, the more you’ll hear….OhhhKAYYYY!

    Goose considered Popeye, an OG of OG’s
    Juicy like the chicken, played out like Drew Brees
    Post hernia operation, F3’s ‘Welcome Back Cotter’
    I’m sure whining about his scar, just like Harry Potter.

    Enron, he mused, seemed to always face the worst
    With his lack of rhythm and tendonitis that he constantly nursed
    But those are just the reasons, second and first
    For two SV500’s, he picked Pukee Jeaux –
    he HAS to be cursed.
    Speaking of Yankee Jeaux and his phonetics so fine,
    Did you know LILLICK is actually pronounced LIL-ITCH
    Then Ronnie – SCHREIT NEIN!

    STOP—————————————————————————–

    Narration #2 Before Lazy Dora in Paxville

    “And they’re hanging their stockings,” he snarled with a sneer.
    “Tomorrow is PAXmas! It’s practically here!”

    Then he growled, with his Goose fingers nervously drumming,
    As he sat on the toilet nervously humming
    Then he said, “I must find a way to keep PAXmas from coming!”

    “For, tomorrow, I know that ALL the PAX men
    Will wake bright and early and rush to the Den.”

    “And then the GroupMe posts! Oh, the posts! posts! posts! posts!
    There’s one thing I hate! It’s all the posts! But That I hate the most.”

    It wasn’t just the abysmal GIF game that rankled his chest
    But also the old fart snark from America’s Best.
    This dude rolled up to a PAX of F3
    WIth Dad jokes, an electric truck and, an alleged hurt knee
    Then he said, “Wait, wait there’s more –
    I LOVE an extraneous JurPEE.

    Not to be outdone, the reigning king of the “No Show”
    French Horn, apparently hornless, has no horn to blow.
    True, his 80’s knowledge is well beyond measure
    His ability to use ‘Bruhhhh’ in every sentence?
    Well that’s the real treasure.

    So the Goose sat there honking…

    “And they’ll mumble! And mumble! And they’ll chatter! Chatter! Chatter!”

    And the more the Goose thought of the Pax PAXmas Chatter,
    The more the Goose thought,
    “Is it me or am I getting fatter?”

    “Why for forty-one years I’ve put up with it now!
    I must stop PAXmas from coming! But how?”

    Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
    The Goose got a wonderful, condescending, self righteous idea!

    “I know just what to do!” The Goose laughed with a frown.
    “I’ll destroy all their dreams with a TuesdayTuff beatdown.”

    “I’ll steal F3 PAXmas, there’s no limit to how far I’ll stoop
    I’ll even find a way to kill that stupid [bleep] Whoop.”

    “What a great Goosey TRICK!” he mumbled with snarls
    I’ll do a Bleep Test…you know, like a…DICK-ENS – comma – Charles!”

    STOP ——————————————————–

    Narration #3 Redemption Arc

    It was quarter of dawn. And the Pax still a-slumber,
    Hangovers en route from Enron and Wet Tap’s Jucifer tumbler.

    He took their presents, their headbands, and even their rucksacks,
    He scoffed at their cadence, lame excuses and fartsacks!

    Ten thousand feet up – up the side of Mount Tana
    He ran like an addict on AstraZeneca manna.

    “Pooh-pooh to the Pax!” he was goosily humming.
    “They’re finding out now that no PAXmas is coming!”

    “They’re just waking up! I know just how it will go.
    Shamefully hitting snooze one time, maybe mo’
    And They’ll kick and they’ll yell from ceiling to the flo’
    Then they’ll see there’s no PAXmas, not even an AO.”

    “That’s a noise,” grinned the Goose, “that I simply must hear!”
    He paused, and the Goose put a hand to his ear.

    And he did hear a sound rising over the swamp.
    It started out slow, then it started to stomp.

    But this sound was NOT, no it was not getting madder!
    Why, this sound sounded joyful – it sounded like chatter!

    What was this incredible sound, sounding deep from the gut,
    Well Lil’ John asked Paradox the same question,
    “Turn down for What?”

    Every Pax down in Paxville, the tall and the small,
    Was posting for a PAXmas beatdown – super tight shorts and all!

    He hadn’t stopped PAXmas from coming! It came!
    After having ten kids, it came just the same!

    And the Goose, with his Goose feet paced to and fro,
    Stood puzzling and puzzling. “How could it be so?

    “It came without coupons! It came without rucksacks!
    It came without backblasts, Kool Jobs, or pinched nutsacks!”

    He honked and honked till his honker was sore.
    Then the Goose thought of something he hadn’t before.

    Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
    Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!

    And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
    The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!

    From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
    Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their family

    Though – from the HEART of the BayoU, he – soon – will – move – on

    In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll – still – carry – on.

    A Very Merry Christmas to Everyone!

  • We Are All Goose – from America’s Best

    “This is important.” Parting words from a random barefoot downranger (Squanto) on a random Thursday weeks ago.
    Those who agree also know what we owe to our Site Q, the O.G.
    When YHC heard Goose was moving, I began some soul searching (but mostly Internet searching) to figure out some way to keep him with us.
    Inspired by Paradox’s face-swap chops, YHC was looking for a life-size Goose-Goose faceswap. While the Internet provided what was wanted, it also provided what was (unknowingly) needed. In the search results, an old blogpost. Four words:
    “We Are All Goose”
    And with that, the beatdown was born.

    Negative DukeRider! The pattern is full. Get your landing gear down and roll that beauti-
    HOLD up, this is “We are all Goose,” not “We are all Dox”
    (Mental note for future beatdown)

    Warmarama amongst the swarm:
    SSH, windmills, arm circles, self love, maybe more, nobody’s reading this part anyway.

    “We are All Goose” lists 4 characteristics of Top Gun’s Goose. YHC translated each virtue to our fearless leader, and we began to cultivate our Goosiness.

    1. He talks the talk.

    This was originally “he’s the class clown,” but the spirit of it is that Goose ensures what he says is correct and inspiring. The exicon provided us Thang 1 here, with “Coach”:
    Thruple up. Man 1 does a pull-up and holds up position while Man 2 runs around the outbuilding. Meanwhile, Man 3 is Coach (Goose) and provides vocal support. Moroccan Night Clubs were added to Coach position for comedic impact.

    2. He’s got his friends backs

    True of Top Gun Goose and undeniably true of F3 Goose. And for Thang 2 the Exicon gives us
    “Tammy Wynette” (Stand by Your Man)

    Partner up. Man1 stands next to Man2 in high plank. Standing partner squats in unison with ground partner’s merkins. Switch places every 10. YHC decided to show some merkin-mercy here and changed it curls and leg lifts for a bit.

    3. He’s a family man

    Thang 3– Here YHC bastardized the Uptown 50 and fused it with Growing Pains (look them up, they’re in there!)

    MOT was typical parental nocturnal motions: Zombie walking, zombie crawling, and crab walk (result of the ninja move required to escape a sleeping kid’s bed)
    30 Little boys at the first stop, 30 big boys at the second, 30 Manmakers back at the start.
    The exact form of the zombie crawl is still unknown, but depending on the specific technique used, it will abrade part of your legs off.
    T-claps to Dox for suffering through his most hated exercises. Props to Pope for his music appreciation.

    Having raised boys to men, now we pivot to raising girls…
    Princess Tea Party (“This is in the Exicon”)
    Partner up, merkins facing one another, high five ya boy at the top.
    Then, back-to-back partner squats.

    (During this portion of the beatdown, Enron and YHC performed an exercise which will henceforth be know as the “Look Away!” and will never be spoken of again.)

    Which brings us to the final Goosy quality:

    4. He plays volleyball with his shirt on

    Shirtless Maverick plays volleyball IN JEANS. Goose keeps it real, is probably then best athlete, and doesn’t have anything to prove to anybody. Dude walks the walk. With quiet confidence.

    PAX divided into 3 teams. While one takes a run, the other 2 teams play volleyball. The catch: anytime the ball hits the ground, BOTH teams do 3 Goosies. Winner stays on and loser runs.

    YHC opened his big fat stupid mouth on one of these return runs:
    “Come on Goose, open up that stride.”
    Big mistake. Never challenge a Goose. YHC is still winded from trying to keep up.

    One last curveball, because when you’re a family man, just when you think you’ve earned a break, your kid says “Hold me.”
    Mountain climbers while Fleetwood Mac’s “Hold Me” plays. Coupon curl with each “hold me.”

    Back to the flag for Top Gun Anthem and Goose tailgate reveal.

    COT, Goose prayed us out.

    This one was for Goose, but it’s really for all of our F3 PAX. I’m inspired by every one of you. This is important.

    SYITG,
    America’s Best

  • F4—Faith, Fitness, Fellowship…& Football, by Coyote – from Goose

               The morning’s first challenge to meet the Pax and YHC was the wet, and surprisingly active, ant piles. More than half of us were bitten before the warmups. YHC lead the Pax in unusually long warmups then we headed over to the Lower Field for what we knew would be a messy, muddy Football game. YHC announced that each turnover was ten Merkins, and each Touchdown was a series of Burpees. The offense started by doing five and the defense ten. With every next Touchdown, five Burpees would be added to each. The two teams were named by the color of their flag, blue vs. yellow. Team Yellow consisted of Goose, Lil Cuz, Goldilocks, Picadilly, Duke, and Smooth Operator, while team Blue had Enron, Paradox, Pope, Popeye, and YHC. Team Blue started on offense because of low numbers. The team’s possession switched after a failed fourth-down conversion attempt. Team Yellow took a 7-0 lead after a great catch by Goose. After another Blue turnover, Goose made another amazing Touchdown catch, and Yellow took a 14-0 lead. Pope threw an Interception, and Smooth took it from there with a great diving catch, and a Touchdown catch. Yellow had a 21-0 lead when Blue finally scored a Touchdown on a great throw from Popeye and catch from Paradox. Goldilocks said, “Aw man, we didn’t shut them out.” Enron and Paradox had to leave before it was over, and Lil Cuz went to blue team. The final score was 28-7 Yellow, and everyone’s combined total of exercises was 675 Burpees and 400 Merkins. YHC counted a total 16 cut-slips, half of them being Smooth’s, who shot out mud when he fell. We all had a great time, and we all went home dirtier then we’d been in a long, long time.                   

  • Fitness, Faith and the Fellowship of the Thang – from Paradox

    One beatdown to smoke them

    One beatdown to find them

    A free men’s workout that calls them home

    And in the gloom it binds them …

    The beacons of Gondor were lit !
    And 13 pax answered. They came from all corners of Middle Lafourche on this humid fall morning for a 2 year YHC Manniversary celebration.

    Members of the fellowship in attendance:

    – The Elven King Hon Suk El from the high castle of Rienzi . His lands and bannermen are many including the Lowes and the Academy. He was accompanied by Royster Princes Ewok and Yelnats requesting burpees for breakfast.
    – The nomadic wizard Goosedalf from the ethereal Oaks. He bringeth 3 wizard apprentices, trained trivia assassins Pope GooseSon and Coyote GooseSon and the most feared sprinter in the land Duke GooseSon.
    – The Scholar bandit known as the Shimmering Lox recently released from his prison studies. The bards will sing of his quads for many generations.
    – King Mudgear of the 12th cedar Fortresses. If a man threatens Merkin Rhabdo he will appear in aid , the legends be true. May his tail wind blow in your favor.
    – The Bard Tom BombaDiddle from the smoking marshes of HomeMaH. No fiddle he cannot play, no score he will not slay but his gas flute is deadliest of all.
    – The Warrior En Ronnie Lillicchh of the High Lands, though many question his name none question his mode of beast. The men of his family must all defeat the Snapping Turla , or be exiled .
    – Captain Pop Aye, the Kings Guard and the newly minted Earl of Sandwich, expert in sword and shield, master of the one word insult, and igniter of groupme flames.

    Thus they assembled the fellowship on this fine Saturday.
    Their fitness was sharp but many tests of faith stood before them…

    Duke!! Roll the Footage , we’re going to Mordor !

    Warmup
    SSH, IW, WM , AC, CP MC

    YHC had trouble keeping cadence due to the loud popping and clicking of joints left over from Safety Valves obliteration of the pax lower extremities on Thursday. He could not be reached for comment but the pax were jumpy at the mere mention of Bonnie Blair’s and I knew we were in for a a battle.

    As YHC was reflecting on his 2 year journey with F3 I noticed some of my favorite things about beatdowns blended nicely with a LOTR themed bd YHC has had on a back pot low simmer for a while. So I compiled my “lessons learned” over the last 2 years and sprinkled in some light Tolkien to put a bow on it.
    Don’t be hasty , one doesn’t simply walk into Mordor!

    Chapter 1.
    The Fitness and leaving your warm hobbit hole comfort zone

    YHC cherishes the moments where F3 has pushed the envelope of my physical and mental comfort zone in the last 2 years. Most ppl from my high school would tell you YHC was “fairly reserved” maybe even the dreaded “stays to himself” but f3 changes a man…
    -Monkey humpers during a cross county meet, no problem.
    -5 inch inseam shorts at a park at 6:30am , why ? cus YJ said so, that’s why.
    -Singing sea shanties during a 5k monsoon, just another lovely morning.

    So we Mosey’d to the Chimney representing our cozy hobbit Hole while training our Hobbit feet.
    Indian run with drop off 3 BBSU
    But today they are Bilbo Baggins sit ups. First sit-up , then right elbow to left knee , left elbow to right knee represents eating both first and second breakfast.

    At Da Chimney :

    Helms Deep Squat Trivia
    Correct 5 burpees
    Incorrect 15 burpees

    1. How old was Bilbo at the beginning -(111)
    2. What is the name of bilbos home? (Bag End)

    Ok let’s talk about the trivia real quick.
    I want you to imagine Dikembe Mutumbo (Pope) and Shaq (Coyote) standing beside a 6 foot basketball goal. YHC tosses soft layups as they swat balls into the rafters and their coach (Goose) nods in silent approval. The rest of the pax were simply spectators as they made child’s play of YHCs “moderate difficulty “ LOTR trivia. A fair warning to you trivia Qs out there, dem Dawson boys play for keeps. Do not bring weak trivia game into the paint.

    Bilbos 111th birthday
    111 big bilbo sit-ups
    Hobbit Walk to chimney , sprint back
    Many variations of the hobbit walk , all were accepted without shame while our local form police was furthering his doctoral study of burpee merkin combos this weekend.

    Helms Deep Squat Trivia
    3.) how many members are in the fellowship- 9
    4.) can you name them all?
    Gandalf, Frodo, merry, pippin, Sam, gimli, Legolas, boromir , Aragorn

    Again yawns from the pope and Coyote and “you knew better Dox” nod from goose
    – 5 burpees

    Chapter 2
    Forming The Fellowship
    Many Races but One Fellowship

    YHC concocted a few race schemes to display increasing difficulty paralleled with increasing brotherhood of F3.
    I tell someone almost every week about F3 and always remark something like “I hate half of these exercises if I have to perform them solo but when it’s with this crew I triple set my alarm to go at 5am in cold rain while swallowing chimchuri farts “ . The magic of the shared suffering , tough to describe but I think the team races help.

    The races would increase by 1 pax each round.
    Winner would pick 10 reps of any exercise for the pax

    1 ) solo bearcrawl – 10 merkins CrawlBear

    10 burpees from Ewok/Yelnats

    2 ) pax wheel barrow – 20 Carolina- swap and wheel barrow back

    3) 3 man carry 25 star jumps

    This sounded better on paper and YHC narrowly avoided being face to face with Paradiddles pair of diddles.

    4 ) 4 pax team lungeWalk 10 Bonnie Blair’s , …team Egnul Walk back to cone which ended up looking like a well oiled machine on the front end and a drunk octopus dying in a hail storm on the return journey.

    Helms deep squat Trivia :
    5.) who plays Aragorn – Vigo Mortesen
    6.) what is the name of the evil that Gandalf must stop in the minds of Moria to save the fellowship. – Balrog

    *At this point not only was Pope guessing the trivia answers AND questions he saw us moseying toward the bridge and was like “Khazad-dum next huh?”
    Unbelievable.
    What are you feeding this kid goose!

    Chapter 3

    The Bridge of Khazad-dum and
    Facing the darkness head on

    During IPC month every year there lies an extra mental challenge. When the Bengay video drops there is no hiding. Crayola stands in front of you just like a Balrog and no amount of staring will change the high rep counts. It’s part of the mental iron sharpening and all you can do is face it beside the pax.

    “7s “ at the Bridge
    6 Freak Nastys (decrease)
    Cross bridge with 2.0s as bridge troll form police while presenting 10 diamond merkins
    1 burpee (increase)

    2.0s were ruthless form police ! #JeauxcomeHome

    Chapter 4
    Finish Strong

    One of my favorite parts of an F3 beatdown is the last 10 minutes. Everyone is smoked. Sweat in eyes, engine on E then some ridiculous thang gets introduced and there’s a perceptible banding together to defeat the task. You think the tank is empty but looking around and seeing others to push for and there’s always more.

    The March to Mordor
    Partner up
    P1 lunges while P2 does 10 mountain climbers , when finishes run to p1 swap and 10 MC

    Goose and Lox won it and handed out some fine dirt pile derkins.

    Back to the flag for round robin Mary.

    Animal shirt to Diddle for skipping LOTR to practice drums. Worth it .

    Intentions for many suffering with illness, families in need and anxieties of the holiday season.

    COT and Diddle prayed us out

    Men it’s an absolute blast sharing these moments in the gloom with you and a privilege to get opportunities to lead.
    Looking forward to another great year.

    SYITG ,
    Dox

  • In The Beginning, There Was Only The Gloom – from Yankee Joe

    Excerpt taken from the recently discovered “Dead Peltch Scrolls”

    1 In the beginning, Goose created the Gloom. 2 Now the Gloom was formless and in his backyard, darkness was over the Settlement at Live Oak, and the annoyance of Kate was hovering over the mudgear.

    3 And Goose said, “Let there be suffering,” and there was suffering. 4 Goose saw that the suffering was good, and he separated the suffering from the misery. 5 Goose called the suffering “growth,” and the misery he called “being a bitch.”

    And there was posting, and there was COT—the first beatdown.

    6 And Goose said, “Let there be an AO to separate PAX from PAX.” 7 So Goose made the AO and separated the PAX from the NOLA AO from the PAX down the bayou. And it was so. 8 Goose called the AO “F3 Thibodaux.”

    And there was posting, and there was COT—the second beatdown.

    9 And Goose said, “Let the AO under F3 Thibodaux be gathered to one place, and let a real AO – that’s not my backyard – be found.” And it was so. 10 Goose called the dry ground “The Stage,” and the gathered PAX he called “HIMS.” And Goose saw that it was good.

    11 Then Goose said, “Let The Stage produce pain: picnic tables, wet grass, and moseying routes according to their various kinds.” And it was so. 12 And Goose saw that it was good.

    13 And there was posting, and there was COT—the third beatdown

    14 And Goose said, “Let there be music to separate the pain from the pain, and let the music serve as signs to mark sacred songs such as Thunderstruck, various sea shanties, and Peaches.” And it was so.

    16 Goose made the music come from a magic box—the greater magic box he called Anker and the lesser magic box he called JBL. He also made many farts. 17 Goose played the music to force others to do hundreds of burpees. And Goose saw that it was good.

    19 And there was posting, and there was COT—the fourth beatdown.

    20 And Goose said, “Let the beatdowns teem with mumblechatter, and let the smack talk ring out across the vault of the sky.” 21 So Goose created the GroupMe and showed the PAX how to use GIFs to communicate directly and passive aggressively. And Goose saw that it was good.

    22 Goose blessed the Chatter, “Be relentless with each other. Write about the beatdowns in prose in order to leave delicious easter eggs about the shortcomings of your brethren.”

    23 And there was posting, and there was COT—the fifth beatdown.

    24 And Goose said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the stray dogs, the red ants that move along the ground, and the wild woman carrying laundry baskets, each according to its kind.” And it was so. 25 And Goose saw that it was good.

    26 Then Goose said to Pope, “Let us find more crazy people like us, so that they may post in the heat and in the cold, and find ways to do LBC’s in ant piles.” 27 So Goose cast out looking for men like him; men as shit can crazy as he was, he looked for them. Laymen and men of the cloth, he searched for them.

    28 When Goose found them, he said “Make sure to EH and increase in number; convince your wives this is not a cult. Wear short sleeves when it is 30 degrees, dedicate old running shoes to be F3 shoes, buy overpriced F3 gear to fit in more easily.

    29 Then Goose said, “I give you authority to design any beatdown with any theme, any type of exercises, anything that will create suffering. Remember that you were not created for comfort. You don’t deserve to be comfortable. 30 And I give you GroupMe and Backblasts in order to destroy each other, while celebrating your brothers.” And it was so.

    31 Goose saw all that he had made, and it was goosetastic. And there was posting, and there was COT—the sixth beatdown.

    Thus F3 Thiboduax was founded, all of its glory stretching from Bourg to Houma to the St. John HOA in its vast array.

    2 By the seventh beatdown, Goose had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh beatdown he did man makers. 3 Then Goose recruited Cardinal, and in one of the first beatdowns that posted more pax than just goslings the location wasn’t even Thibodaux.

    ————————————

    YHC had planned to create an award ceremony beatown for the BYITG Challenge. However, as the three year manniversary came a few days earlier and in the midst of the PAX dropping their favorite memories, it seemed appropriate to continue the mosey down memory lane. Butttt…as I think about it, I’m now realizing that Goose on a few occasions, knowing my intent, made subtle comments about the three year manniversary. I changed the theme the night before to be a continuation of celebrating F3 memories. How does he do it? I swear it’s Jedi mind tricks. I’m Toydarian…what is this power?

    So…F3 memories. I asked Goose for some old beatdowns and thangs. He sent me the famed Grand Isle beatdown that had roped Cardinal into his FNG appearance. More on that in a bit. There were some hilarious stories, including how YHC argued with Enron about his own last name. He said it was pronounced “Lillick” – no ch sound. I said, “noooo…that’s not right…” Enron said it was of German heritage. I said it was most likely Spanish. Even now, I cringe when I think about it.

    The debate went on for a few minutes, everyone that was present, absolutely dumbfounded by the fact that I would tell a 35 year old man he didn’t know how to pronounce his own last name. To publicly show my acquiescence and humble myself in ridiculous fashion, YHC wore his authentic lederhosen to the Q. It would turn out to be a very bad move for a beatdown. Like running 10 miles with a nutcracker attached to the front of your shorts.

    —————————————–

    Thang 1: The Solo Goose

    Throughout the day on the manniversary, several PAX mentioned their experience with a solo Goose. YHC also shared this experience. It was awful. I almost never came back. It was amazing. In most cases, save the occasional Ace and Gary Q, a Goose favorite was a Lazy Dora. That said, not all PAX have had this once in a lifetime journey into the depths of coupon hell. It’s like swimming with Jar Jar in a small pond that somehow turns into a vast ocean.

    To share the love, PAX partnered up for a quasi Lazy Dora with 50 thrusters, 50 man makers, and 100 OHP’s. Partner 1 did the coupon work, while Partner 2 bear crawled to marker (12 yards) and crab walked back. Flapjack. The kicker was that Goose, in a 10-minute window, had to spend roughly 30 seconds one on one with each PAX, either doing coupon work or joining a PAX in a bear crawl/crab walk. Everyone got a solo Goose. Most of us are now far more informed about form. Did you know there was a narrow and wide edge on a coupon?

    ——————————–

    Thang 2: Seven Memories

    Memory 1: “This is for the birds”

    After taking Cardinal through the beatdown, which that day was the 14 Stations of the Cross (We only had time for 7), Cardinal, in his unparalleled bedside manner (when it comes to sweating and technology), kindly remarked to Goose, “This is for the birds.”

    To commemorate this moment, the PAX did 90 seconds of brick butterfly squats. Here, they flapped their extended wings up as they squatted down, flapped their wings down as they stood up out of the squat, while holding bricks. One minute in, the first rumblings of awareness began to emerge…a 90 second exercise sprint seemed to last longer than expected.

    We sprinted 200 yards, bricks in hand…

    ————————————-

    Memory 2: Here’s to Treeroot

    As F3 Thibodaux began to approach the Open Era, the second and arguably most pivotal draft class exploded onto the scene. PAX such as Popeye, Enron, CuttThroat, Elmer’s, GI Joe, Paradiddle, and others, there were a lot of FNGs who posted…and then quicly faded into the trees. One such PAX was named Treeroot. During a run last year, Enron inquired about whatever happened to Treeroot. This became the descriptor for the phenomenon of ‘showing then ghosting’ from then on.

    90 seconds of tempo squat BOTH ways and arms extended straight up with bricks…you know like a tree growing slowly, branches out. However, it was clear that the PAX were more like crepe myrtles, “growing” quite fast and essentially voiding every single Jurp completed during the BYITG challenge. As such, Horn may have actually been a top scorer.

    Sprint 200 yards, bricks in hand…
    ————————–

    Memory 3: You get a hernia, you get a hernia, EVERYBODY gets a hernia

    One of the OG’s, Popeye, by all accounts started his F3 tenure strong, regularly posting and raising the bar. However, due to a series of burpee laded Goose beatdowns, he got himself a nice hernia, which required surgery. He was on injured reserve for over a year, before staging what the critics are calling the greatest comeback in F3 Nation history. Of course, he would tell you not to call it a comeback. Yes, yes…you got it. He’s been here for years.

    To honor this achievement, we did 90 seconds of hernia inducing V-Ups with bricks in hand. Again, it became very clear, very quickly, that of the total 8,799 V-Ups completed during the BYITG, most likely only 392 actually counted…all belonging to Pope.

    Sprint 200 yards, bricks in hand…
    ————————————-

    Memory 4: The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen…

    Paradox likes to tell a story that while Goose was away on retreat, and having just returned from 30A himself (Paradox), he introduced combo warm-ups such as front arm circle stationary lunges. Upon return from the retreat, Goose reportedly said, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen…in my life.

    YHC disagrees. The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen was introduced to the PAX by Goose last year, in which one would do a burpee, complete three merkins, and finish the burpee into three jump squats. It’s a real doozy, Clark.

    90 seconds of Goose Burpees with three merkin and three jump squats…these were too hard for YHC to observe anything else going on except how his soldier boi’s were being squat jumped in his tight lederhosen.

    Sprint 200 yards with no bricks…
    ———————————–

    Memory 5: The Inner Circle

    When a man begins F3, he goes through a honeymoon phase, connecting deeply with the other PAX, pushing harder than probably ever in his life, noticing that his body is going through some changes, and realizing that he can make adult friends after all…maybe.

    As such, you let your guard down and let yourself get close. You believe you are progressing through layers of hierarchy, ever inching toward the real inner circle. However, the minute you feel like you’ve made it, you get punched in the crotch and informed that your green texts aren’t welcomed here. Some call you Cactus Jack for almost a month, while your Spanish proficiency is questioned. It’s an emotional roller coaster…one day you’re basking in the warmth of friendship, the next, you’re being kicked out of iMessage groups.

    Like interpretive dance, YHC can best explain the phenomenon by the following:

    For 90 seconds, PAX starts in the outer circle, then bear crawl in/alligator merkin toward the inner circle. Once you get there, crawl bear back out to despair and scorn.

    Sprint 200 yards with no bricks…
    ————————————-

    Memory 6: Diddle Giggle Farts

    Recently, YHC had to go out of town and America’s Best graciously agreed to step into his first Peltch Q. It is safe to say that of the two, AB brought the A. Already ensconced in F3 Thibodaux lore, the German bards will sing of the “brewpons” beatdown for years to come. In one of the exercises, PAX doing WW3 sit ups (BBS with Coupon OHP at top) to some German music, Diddle ripped one right on Goose’s head. As would be expected, the giggling began, and like Sir Didymus and Ambrosius running across the Bog of Eternal Stench, the mini farts came with every sit up/giggle.

    In hopes of replicating this experience, the PAX did 90 seconds of WW3 sit-ups with brick OHP’s. What the PAX didn’t know was that YHC had queued up wet fart sounds on the Spotify playlist…easily BAPS’ greatest moment in his life.What happened over the next 90 seconds will go down as YHC’s best memories of all time. Once the wet fart sounds began, 16 grown men, nearly half of which were over 40, could barely complete the situps because they were giggling so hard. YHC quite literally couldn’t catch his breath.

    Sprint 200 yards, bricks in hand…

    ————————————-

    Memory 7: Kilmer

    One of YHC’s fondest Q memories was when Kilmer DRing from Winston Salem, joined the PAX at The Stage. He was a character to say the least, a gentleman in his late 50’s. He talked a special brand of trash that he was more than welcome to take back to Winston Salem. Toward the end of the beatdown, the PAX was doing a ton of pickle pounders.

    Now, don’t get me wrong…pounders are conducive to melodramatic grunting from even the strongest core, but Kilmer…mannn…it was downright unnerving. It was like the sound you would hear from a mating walrus mixed with…I dunno…yodeling. It was loud. It was weird. It was a bit nasty.

    Smooth, who was pounding next to him and perhaps in his first few weeks of F3 showed no signs of distress, but you could see him slowly inching away with each pickle pounder rep, looking like he had been scandalized. Fortunately for us, Smooth came back and is now ingrained into the very fabric of F3 Thib.

    The PAX did 90 seconds of pickle pounders with instructions to gunt loudly, but appropriately considering the presence of 2.0’s.

    Sprint 200 yards, no bricks…

    —————————————

    With two minutes left, YHC offered up another great F3 moment with Coyote as the protagonist. About 12 PAX attended the NOLA convergence last year. With nearly 100 men in a circle, F3 Thibodaux dropped a Thunderstruck burpee exercise. UNFORTUNATELY, JBL did not get the memo. The volume couldn’t carry, men were getting restless. Then out of the foggy shadows, Coyote sprinted to the middle of the circle and put on what is surely the greatest air guitar performance of all time. 100 men LOVED every second of it. Coyote is legend.

    We did two minutes of burpee Thunderstruck and moseyed back to the flag.

    COT and Cardinal prayed us out.

    Cafeteria followed, and the PAX were treated to Safety Valve’s nitrous oxide cold brew. It. Was. DELICIOUS!

    Just another great memory in a list of great memories. I loved every minute of this beatdown because we got to celebrate each other with humor, chatter, and flatulence.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux

  • Down With Disease – from Yankee Joe

    Prologue

    YHC arrived at the Peltch at 5:30 am on Saturday morning. We often say it was in “The Gloom,” but this morning took it to a new place. As he rolled out the tractor trailer truck tire onto the little league infield, he couldn’t help but notice how dark…and still it was. No sound of birds, no cars, no breeze in the pines. Now, YHC isn’t one to get all spooked out, but it was still a bit eerie.

    As he started hammering in the staked signs with various exercises, a heavy fog started to roll in. Not a light misting, but legit fog…and it was legit rolling, he looked around and realized that the signs I had just put in all looked like graveyard markers. Now, YHC isn’t one to get all skittish, but man it was getting weird.

    After one last trip to the awesome, cool, masculine minivan to get BAPS, YHC started walking back to the field. It was then that he looked up and through the haze, saw a hearse sitting in the thunder dome. How had he not noticed it before? Now YHC isn’t one to get all freaked out, but damn this was all starting to get…well…something.

    YHC shook it off and with 20 minutes left before the beatdown, decided to hit the men’s room. As YHC entered the bathroom to see about a fudge pop, the lights flickered. C’mon Yankee…stop being so dramatic. While sitting on the silver torpedo shell, and coming to the realization that this would be an underwhelming dumpelstiltskin, the lights turned off…completely. No sound of the door which had squealing hinges. The lights were off, YHC in the dark, quarter loaf barely pinched.

    And then, out of the darkness, as if radiating inward from the walls, the still air cold as ice, I heard the breathy, chilling voice…it said…“BEWAREEEEEEE….He’s a cheater…doing three merkins at the bottom of a buuuurpeeeeeee doesn’t count as a burpee aaaaand threeeeeee merkinssssss.”

    Now YHC isn’t one to hammer a prairie dog back in the hole, but at this, I screamed like a pickleballer and ran out into the darkness to find the PAX.

    —————————–
    YHC was both thrilled and concerned to see what would eventually make up 19 PAX at the Peltch. The beatdown had been designed for 8 to 10 PAX based on recent attendance rates. Considering all of the whining, wailing, and gnashing of teeth about doing hard things, YHC just assumed Houma-Thibodaux would be flush in dutch ovens that morning. YHC was wrong. Real wrong. 14 of 20 BYITG participants showed with the Hunt for Red Jurptober repping 100% attendance. However, I’m sure if you look back at the records for Arthur Anderson, those folks showed up to work on a regular basis too. Apparently, immorality requires solidarity.

    With six 2.0’s including a Honeysuckle duo – WELCOME Yelnats and Ewok, YHC started getting excited about how the chaos would play out over the next hour.

    —————————-

    Warmarama
    Side straddle hops
    Windmills 15 ct
    Arm circles forward 15 ct
    Arm circles backward 15 ct
    Cherry pickers 15 ct
    Self love
    High knees 15 ct
    Willy Mays Hayes
    High Knees
    Butt Kicks

    The men headed to the first field by the Apparatus to knock out the three required Jurps. The crowd was so big that the grumbling sounded like if you packed 50 constipated walruses in a locker room shower playing Adele in the background. But we got through it. During the jump squat portion, I saw some very interesting form emerge. Also during that time, it came to light that Tana had betrayed YHC to Paradox during an ongoing investigation. Did you ever see What Lies Beneath? Well, it has nothing to do with this scenario.

    We moseyed over to the baseball field and for the remaining 30 minutes, jumped into the fray.

    ——————————
    The Setup

    *Field set up with six stations around center point.
    *Two stations set 15 yards from center.
    *Two stations set 20 yards from center.
    *Two stations set 30 yards from center.
    *Each station represents a different BYITG exercise.

    All PAX start in center, do 5 burpees then tire flip (tractor trailer size) or zombie crawl to 15 yard station, 5 burpees then bear crawl to 20 yard station, or 5 burpees and bear crawl to 30 yard station. For any station, do 20 reps of exercise associated with that station. Run back, do 5 burpees, then head to the next station of your choice. AMRAP until time.

    Rules:
    1) there cannot be more than TWO Pax at any given station at one time. If there are already two pax at your desired station after you finish your 5 burpees, you MUST immediately choose another station and bear crawl to it. NO loitering.

    2) You cannot do the same station twice in a row unless you are forced to go there for lack of options…see Rule 1.

    Stations (20 reps each):
    BBS (12 yards)
    V-up (12 yds)
    Merkins (20 yards)
    Bonnie’s (20 yds)
    Coupon curls (30 yds)
    Man makers (30 yds)
    —————————————
    Strategy (if you can call it that):

    The 12-yard stations were tempting because you could get to them quickly, knock out the relatively quick rep exercise and get back. That said, the tire flip or zombie crawl transport was hard and time consuming. The 20 yard stations were the money makers. Merkins, each worth a point, were quick reps and not excruciatingly far for a bear crawl. Bonnie’s on the other hand were far more time consuming IF you had good form. At 30 yards, the coupon curl was a trap. First, a 30 yard bear crawl straight up sucks, but to reward yourself with half-point curls for a station total of 10 points didn’t justify the time. The biggest ROI was from the man maker station at three points per rep.

    It was here that Montana outdid himself. WIth three men at the man maker station, Tana should have chosen another station. He didn’t, he began lunge walking slowly toward the man maker station with YHC loudly chastising him to turn around. Instead, he lunge walked all the way to the man-makers then headed to the coupon curl station and proceeded to do…MAN MAKERS. By this time, YHC was losing his mind. Like Bob Knight, YHC tossed his man making coupon, yelling in a high pitched voice that Tana wasn’t playing fair and calling him a doo doo head.

    COT and Goose prayed us out. We welcomed Yelnats and Ewok. The PAX got a real treat in seeing Dumbledore and family walk up. He got damn near a standing ovation. It was cool. Dumbledore, you are missed.

    All in all, the PAX earned a total of 10,000+ points. It was a wonky set up, but due to being in close proximity, the chatter was epic. I had a lot of fun. Thank you for the opportunity to lead.

    BYITG,

    Yankee Jerk

    And…stay from that Peltch bathroom. Here, there be monsters.