Thankfully, no mosquitoes tormented the Pax & YHC as we started the beatdown with the normal warmups. But what wasn’t normal was when YHC called “A skips.” No one but Pope and YHC could get the skip part down, so at what we thought was number thirteen, YHC had to call an untuned Halt and we switched to high knees & butt kicks.
YHC explained that YHC doesn’t go to weekday beatdowns, so February 24, 2024, was going to be about February 22, 1980, the Miracle on Ice.
A quick mosey to the field by bayou road, YHC explained that the US hockey team, a group of nobody college students at the time, beat the best team in the world, the unstoppable Soviet Union, 4-3. YHC asked a few questions about the event, and the Pax answered both correctly, the prize being four burpees. YHC then said how the US’s coach, Herb Brooks, said, “I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to be your coach.” He said he would work his team HARD. So YHC said he would work the Pax HARD. We started simple, three suicide runs across the field. Then we got into it.
First, Vladimir Krutov scored, so we spelled Krutov in alphabet form, spelling the words with our legs down on our six. What came after was to come in between every single goal: we ran another suicide run and did three burpees. YHC said that if the US scored, we would do four burpees, and if the Soviets scored, we would do three. We continued to do this, spelling the last names of Buzz Schneider, Sergei Makarov, Mark Johnson, Aleksander Maltsev, Mark Johnson again, and Mike Eruzione. (Doing twenty one-is-one Goofballs for the soviet coach’s dumb switch from the best goalie in the world to his backup in between Mark Johnson’s first goal and Aleksander Maltsev.)
After Mike Eruzione’s famous goal, we did twenty one-is-one genuflections for the famous picture of the failed block. We played the last minute of the event, doing mission impossible plank because of how impossible it was. Then we did the normal exercises to thunderstruck because of how thunderstruck the soviets were. The song cut short twice, so we just played the hillbilly version. We played a song called Victory because of the US’s victory. During the entire song, we held Al Gore, doing various leg exercises on YHC’s call. We straggled back to the flag, beaten down hard. The number of Pax was second place overall for most PAX at a beatdown, twenty strong. Animal went to Cardinal for his amazing, attention-getting shoes. That capped off the Disaster on Grass about the Miracle on Ice.
Tag: Ewok
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Disaster on Grass about the Miracle on Ice, by Coyote – from Goose
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Tribute: Bishop Mario Dorsonville – from Goose
YHC was in the process of building a fun Saturday beatdown when Cardinal called with some devastating news: Bishop Dorsonville had passed away at 6:50pm from complications due to to treatment of liver issues. He had been dealing with a lot of pretty major medical stuff over the past couple of months, but he wasn’t anywhere near death, so this came as a shock to everyone. After some time grieving with the M and connecting with friends and family, YHC knew there was still a beatdown to be built for the morning, and the original theme wasn’t gonna work anymore. A solid tribute would be the only appropriate way to move forward.
F3 tributes are usually put together for fallen soldiers or policemen killed in the line of duty, and they’re defined by a single, very difficult routine that provides for maximum effort to honor the fallen. Though not a soldier or a policeman, Bishop Mario Dorsonville offered his life deeply and continuously for the people of the Diocese of Houma-Thibodaux in a uniquely heroic way, and his untimely death deserves such a tribute.
When he was named Bishop of Houma-Thibodaux, he had no idea where it was or what to expect, but he accepted it as the Lord’s will and resolutely headed this way. After his installation, he told me (on multiple occasions and with deep, passionate sincerity) that this was not going to be a stop on the way to a bigger assignment for him. He had already made up his mind and had communicated to his superiors that these would be his people for the rest of his life. These would be the people to whom he would belong, and they would belong to him until his death or retirement. He had no family left on earth outside of some distant relatives back in Colombia, and he didn’t know anyone here. But, he quickly connected with YHC’s family and with Cardinal and his family. Cardinal would become his secretary, his right hand man in all things, his brother in every sense of the word, his companion on the journey. We just had no idea the journey would be so short.
The PAX gathered in the cold gloom and YHC was grateful to sink into what has become a strong brotherhood, a team of HIMs defined by gratitude and humble grit. It was nice to enter that circle and let the chatter wash over us. YHC could tell the 2.0’s were grateful for that, too–they were close with Bishop, like an uncle, and they had just received the hard news that morning in the truck on the way there.
A warmup of the usuals, including the introduction of what YHC labeled “Lafayette Nightclubs”, a weird but extremely effective arm exercise experienced in Lafayette a couple of weeks ago (they called them “Moroccan Night Clubs”, but anyone who’s been to Morocco knows better). It starts with hands up, elbows down at your sides, then extend up and outward about 45 degrees before coming back down. This one’s quickly becoming one of YHC’s favorites since it works out an area that’s been hard to loosen up.
Also, Duke unwittingly provided some comic relief as he covered his whole face with his knit had to ward off the cold wind and kept drifting into Safety Valve’s circle of safety and windmilling him in the face. I think he actually wore it like that for the entire warmup.YHC then explained what we’d be doing and why–some of the PAX knew already and some didn’t–and we split into teams of three, grabbed one coupon per team, and headed to the lower field.
The tribute would consist of a Dora-like routine wherein teams of three would complete the following exercises/reps:
-B: Burpees 200
-I: Imperial Walkers 300
-S: Side Straddle Hops 400
-H: Heels to Heaven 300
-O: Ono’s (Apolo Ono’s) 200 (2:1)
-P: Peter Parker Merkins 100
There were two cones set up about 15 yards apart, and while one of the trio chipped away at the burpees, another at the other cone started on the Imperial Walkers, and the third traveled from the first to the second via block-and-bear. Upon arrival, he took over on the Imperial Walker reps, and the second traversed back via block-and-bear to take over on burpees. Once a rep count was completed, that side would move onto the next letter’s exercise.Yankee Joe came running over just as YHC was completing the explanation, but unfortunately, he made number 13, so we had to send him all the way back to grab another coupon so he could join one of the groups and make a foursome, requiring two men to block-and-bear together. He didn’t complain, though, and shared that he had heard about Bishop that morning, and though he may not have planned to be there otherwise, he had rushed out to the door to support YHC. That was deeply moving, and YHC was almost sorry to have to put him through such a grueling routine…almost.
It started rough and remained rough throughout, especially with the cold coupons numbing the fingers, making it hard to tell if you were fully gripping the block on the pulls. But, the variations of exercises and switching between them made it a little more doable (a little). Once all had finished except Suckle and AB (that’s how you know there may have been some widespread form-fudging), the rest of the PAX took 5 PPMerkins apiece to fill the gap, and we lined up for the next movement.
Indian Run via the road to the far gate (by the chimney field), the last guy dropping to do 3 genuflections before running to the front. This was tougher than it otherwise would have been, obviously because of the effort that was just poured in by the PAX, and the cold wind was a-blowin’. Once we arrived at the gate, YHC called a halt to share some words and an explanation of what we’d be doing next.
Bishop Dorsonville loved intensely. He yearned for familial relationships, and he naturally gave himself over, opening his heart wide to those he encountered. This was often exhausting for him, especially as he encountered more and more people here, and many of them weren’t always sure how to receive such an intense, sincere, familial love. This was painful for him, particularly since he had no family or friends here to fall back on, no place to be safe and comfortable with people who knew his heart, to whom he already belonged. But, he didn’t stop. He continued to press on and show up and pour himself out, praying for strength and growing connections with people here. Thankfully, Cardinal’s prayer led him to say yes to the request to be Bishop’s full-time secretary (which is more of like a partner/assistant), and God allowed he and his family to provide a “home” for him. God also allowed YHC and family to give him some harbor in the storm when he’d visit the house to feel at home with the mess and beauty of family life.
To honor this intense, often painful journey of pouring himself out unreservedly for the people here, we would run as hard as we could from there via the road to the parking area in front of the main building, just past the Thunderdome. It was about 1/3 of a mile, which was long enough to be friggin’ hard, but not long enough to get into a groove or find a good pace. He was the Bishop for only 9 months, which was long enough to be deeply difficult but not long enough to get comfortable.
YHC sent Yote and the 2.0’s on the shorter route between the fields, and we lined up. On signal, we took off at a hard pace and kept it hard–YHC could hear the footsteps of Suckle not far behind, and the rest were not far behind him. The body was exhausted, but we had a good reason to offer it up, to not measure how much more we could take, especially because we knew it would end soon enough. This part hit YHC hard, and the tears wanted to take over, but the opportunity to pour it all out and the support of this awesome crew provided the drive needed to put the pedal to the metal. (And, it almost provided YHC’s first career pukeage, too.)
We went down to the field and grabbed the gear before heading back to the flag for COT, and Dox prayed us out, all of us focusing on Cardinal’s grief and Bishop’s eternal rest.
Thanks, again, gentlemen, for your support and for entering into an unforeseen tribute beatdown in sub-freezing temperatures. F3 continues to be a deeper, more important gift than I know any of us could’ve ever expected.SYITG,
Goose -
A Brick Called Dora – from Yankee Joe
YHC was looking for something unique, challenging, and engaging for the Peltch. As I labored over various ideas throughout the week, very important questions came to mind.
Questions like, “Have you ever been further endeared to a friend because of his farts of sweet, tangy musk?”
Or others like, “If you made a priest miserable and then had him carry you 25 yards on his back, would you have to do penance?”
Or perhaps, “Is denim water repellant and insulated?”
Or, the one that was nagging me most, “Have you ever felt, I mean truly felt and really appreciated the firmness of another man’s butt cheeks?”
These questions would challenge even the greatest of men, but they say geniuses choose green. But when buying our minivan, YHC didn’t choose green. On top of it all, there was the prospect of four FNG’s!
That said, out of the darkness of beatdown designer’s block, came the answer:
It would need to be crafty, annoying, and manipulative. It would need to be painful, repetitive, and unnecessary. It would need to pull hamstrings and push out farts. There was only one person in the whole of the Exicon that could answer the call.
Dora.
Also, did you know Dora loves bricks. She’s mighty mighty, lettin’ it all hang out.
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How It Started
As it turns out, only one FNG made it out, which is still a reason to celebrate. A spritely young man, formerly called Richard, showed up in jeans, a la O’Shem. He would go on to smile his way through the insanity, running (or rather lunging) circles around the rest of us. His naming – and it’s a darn tootin’ good name – will be discussed later.
Also, we had the triumphant return of Hand Grenade. With him, HG brought back the ANIMAL shirt. And there was much rejoicing…yayy…
Following the woefully incomplete and liability ridden disclaimer by YHC (thanks Cardinal for reminding me that this was a thing), we jumped into warmarama at the locals bar: SSH, windmills, arm circles, mountain climbers, self love, high knees, butt kicks, Willy Mays Hayes.
During this time, I was concerned that with the absence of Paradox and Enron, the lack of snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter would have a harmful impact on the beatdown. YHC needed not worry his perfectly shaped bald little head. America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz stepped into the void with a deluge of… well…snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter. It was insubordinate and churlish. YHC don’t play, lukwalicuh?
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As a warm-up and prelude to the madness that would follow, we performed exercises with the Dora the Explorer theme song. As some may not be aware, a proper Dora typically moves in rounds of three, covering the upper body, moving down to the core, and finishing with the lower body (i.e. merkins, gas pumpers, and jump squats).
So, we listened to the theme song, doing shoulder taps, and performing merkins on every “Dora.” Coyote sang along, perhaps even hitting some harmony. Or maybe it was Jackknife.
Then we listened to the theme song again, this time doing flutter kicks with a gas pumper on every “Dora” (or maybe it was a reverse crunch…you’ll have to talk to Enron).
Then we listened to the theme song AGAIN, holding Al Gore and jump squating on “Dora.” By this time, whichever 2.0 was singing along had stopped, unamused by the three minutes of their life he would never get back.
Adequately warmed up, we partnered up (Cardinal chose YHC. He chose poorly.), one set of bricks per pair, and moseyed to the main field.
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How It Went – DORA 1 2 3 with Bricks
Fresh off the 9,000-merkin morning from Enron the Thursday prior, pecs were still hungover. As such, nothing like a little hair of the dog to get you right. The Dora 1 2 3 went as follows:
100 Shoulder tap merkins
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, pumping opposite arm (think Mario lunging) WITH bricks; nur back
– P2 – Shoulder tap merkins
– Flapjack
—-200 V-ups
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, completing butterflies (both arms) WITH bricks; nur back
– P2 – V-ups
– Flapjack
—-300 Jump Squats
– P1 lunge 25 yards to cone; each lunge shoulder pressing (both arms) WITH bricks, nur back
– P2 – Jump squats
– Flapjack
—YHC grossly underestimated the time it would take to complete the thang, pondering the possibility of cutting it short. The lunges sucked so much that YHC was desperate to get back to the actual exercises. YHC writes this blast, both legs are in full spasm.
However, somewhere in the midst of the jump squats, I looked at the PAX grinding, then YHC almost yakked.
America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz, through their shenanigans were tearing the circuit up and were the first pair to finish. YHC also noted our FNG on the far flank, keeping up with El Papa. In between YHC’s dry heaves, I thought about the circle of life, watching a 55-year old grind out reps with a man 40 years his younger. Awesome F3 moment.
With substantial completion by the PAX, YHC finally called for recovery. With time not on my side, YHC chose to forgo the workout to Brick House by the Commodores (stolen from an Enron beatdown last year) and move into the next, albeit truncated thang.
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Lazy Doras
The Lazy Dora typically includes the same 1, 2, 3 format, but instead of one partner transporting as the timer, he stays and does another exercise (i.e. chilcutt peter parkers). Partner 1 becomes the timer, completing reps. For 100, 10 reps, flapjack; for 200, 20 reps, flapjack, and so on. Alas, we only had time for the first round.
YHC added in a ‘buy-in’, in which partners took turns giving a piggyback 25 yards and back to start. Then,
– P1 – Bonnie Blair’s WITH bricks (2:1) x10 reps
– P2 – Chilcutt peter parkers until P1 completed the 10 reps
– Flapjack————————————
Bridge of Hate
Having cut the Lazy Dora short by two rounds, YHC asked the PAX for two things. To do as he said and not to ask any questions. And yes, America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz BOTH proceeded to ask their own questions. It’s really something.
The bridge of hate is the inverted tunnel of love. The pax forms a line by laying on their back shoulder to shoulder. One pax will then be lifted and passed down the line of the pax that are laying on the ground. When the pax that was being passed down the line gets to the front he lays next to the last man and the man at the rear of the line then gets passed down, so forth and so on.
This proved to be perhaps the hardest and most hilarious F3 experience for YHC to date. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing, continually being a weak link in the PAX chain as men were passed down the line.
Popeye started us off and with no reference for best practices, kinda just rolled (literally) through the struggling hands trying to keep him in the air. It was also a bold move exposing his front side only weeks after his hernia procedure. True to form, Pop just smirked as he watched us mere mortals struggle.
After that, men got the hang of it – lie on the back, stiff as a board. It was here that one could really appreciate the firmness of butt cheeks that only ultra marathon training can provide. Pope was just a joy as noted by Pop and Maneater. We finished the line with the 2.0’s, which was equally amusing.
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Moseyed back to the flag. FNG naming. ‘Ol Denim ‘Dick’ Naquin became [Mom Jeans] per the workout attire mentioned earlier. A firecracker of positivity and badassery, we hope to see a lot more of the Canadian tuxedo.
Interesting and fun fact…Mom Jeans is a cousin of Prius. This is worth noting because several PAX are currently re-EH’ing Prius to join us. Looking forward to having both cousins next week.
COT and Maneater prayed us out. We finished the morning with a Coffeteria.
Thank you, Men, for grinding out with me. To lean into ‘the suck’, then find yourself laughing till your jaw muscles hurt is a real gift that cannot be manufactured in many other settings. All of that followed by sharing a warm cup on a cold morning makes this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. If that ain’t a God thang, I don’t know what is.
SYITG,
Yankee Jeaux
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12 Glorious Days – from Goose
It was a chilly morning, and YHC was still filled with the Christmas spirit on this sixth day of Christmas. There may have only been one Goose-a-laying, but there were 16 PAX who gathered late in the gloom, including a brave FNG and his 2.0.
After the disclaimer, warmups were quiet as they typically are without Dox, though Enron bared the InVESTment early, giving hope to the thicker PAX that the zipper might be zippable after all. There was no short-changing on reps or exercises as YHC needed some serious motion-lotion after this PAST week’s Dox/YJ leg destruction combo.
All grabbed coupons and Duke grabbed YJ’s Goose-Grinch head-on-a-stick and we headed to The Chimney, which is always much farther than it should be. The head was planted in the permafrost with much effort and YHC revealed the theme: the 12 Days of Christmas/Fitmas, to be performed in traditional F3 style. YHC tried to focus on the great gift of getting to really dig into Christmas for an entire two weeks, but most of the PAX just heard “ascending ladder of ridiculousness”.
The routine went like this: YHC would reveal the exercise of each ascending day and write it on the back of the Goose-Grinch head (couldn’t find the marker board or anything that would stand up in an open field). Each new day’s exercise would then be added to the previous in ascending ladder style. This meant we started with Day 1, then did Day 2 and Day 1, all the way until Day 12 through Day 1 (or almost). Here’s the list of exercises:
1 Bear crawl to the chimney (about 20 yards, sung by all the PAX in unison with gusto, or maybe just Duke and Jack-knife)
2 Diamond Merkins
3 Jump Squats
4 WW3 Situps
5 8-count Manmakers
6 Freddys Mercurying (4-count)
7 Triceps extending
8 coupons curling
9 Bonnies Blairing
10 Peter Parkers Merkining
11 J-Lo’s hipping
12’s (a set of 12’s with burpees at the head and genuflections at the chimney; run there, nur back)Even before the 12’s were introduced, one of the PAX, who shall remain nameless, suggested that the 9th day should be changed to “9 legs kicking Goose’s crotch”, and though Duke tried to comply, the Bonnies continued Blairing and order was restored.
There was one incident wherein YJ, the ever-vigilant form policeman/expert, concerned for the health and joint strain potential of the clydesdales on the far side of the group, came over and joined them to watch to see if there speed was a result of poor form. Turns out, it wasn’t, and he finished that set faster than he had originally thought possible because he was keeping up with the guys around him. Another proof of the strange psycho-physical dymamics at work in the mind of man and further confirmation of the massive value of F3. YJ quickly took up his former position after that set.
YHC’s singing of the entire list after announcing each new day’s “gift” gave the PAX a solid break between sets, and so it wasn’t until the 12th Day was revealed that mutiny again threatened to prevail. A rousing speech about squeezing every last drop of Christmas wonder out the season up to the very last minute of the 12th day was heard by the PAX as, “Here’s something really stupid since you’re already worn out and hoping it was almost over.” Anger and scheming were brewing as YHC explained that the 12th day would be a set of 12’s including burpees and genuflections. Thankfully, concern for the health of the fading FNG diverted their attention long enough for YHC to shout “On your own, begin!” And, they did. Incredibly, they did. And they didn’t stop until YHC had to call it for time.
Encouraging words were given by many to the FNG as we gathered our coupons and layers of winter clothing for the long mosey back to the flag. The last minute was filled with a high plank before count-off, name-off and FNG naming ceremony. Dean Roy (10) was named jack-knife due to his cache of pocket knives and other weapons, and Daryl Roy (38) was named Maneater despite the many interesting facts and unique traits that he shared. His first name, Daryl, is shared with Daryl Hall of Hall and Oates, the duo who sing “Maneater”, and, most importantly, he winced at the suggestion, which solidified his new identity.
Enron inVESTed YJ with The InVESTment for his foray into more challenging waters, even if for one set, and even if it was in an effort to try to blow the whistle on someone sacrificing form for speed. Motivation is motivation, I guess.
Announcements: New Year’s Day is Monday, and a beatdown at The Stage is the perfect way to start 2024 (at the regular time!). It’s also a great day to start Exodus 90 with a solid number of this awesome PAX. For those still on the fence, the first meeting is Friday, 5:30am at St. Thomas if you want to check it out.
Lil’ Cuz prayed us out, and the PAX basked for a while in the glory of shared suffering well earned. Grateful for such an awesome, hard-working, strong-hearted crew!
SYITG,
Goose
