F3 New Orleans

Tag: Maneater

  • The Yote Bowl – from Goose

    The ‘Yote Bowl
    By Coyote
                      The morning presented itself to YHC as crisp and chilly. The crazy winds that had been batting at us all week had taken a break for the weekend: a perfect day for a little F3 flag-football. Pope and YHC set up a field about fifty yards long with five-yard end zones and a first down line halfway through the field.
                      The Pax showed up quickly, and YHC was not surprised that there were so many 2.0’s, including YHC. Yankee Joe and Brass Monkey showed up a little late, but nobody noticed. YHC and the Pax skimmed over warmups and moseyed over to the Field by Bayou Road, the place where the field was. The teams were assembled, Team 1 consisting of Goose, White Meat, Brass Monkey, Lil Cuz, Bam-Bam, Jackknife, and Pikachu. Team 2 had Man-Eater, Yankee Joe, Cap’n D, Pope, Darrel Strawberry, Duke, and YHC. YHC announced that there would be a football trivia question every touchdown, and every five minutes on the minute, the Pax would have to do five burpees. Team 2 started with the ball, moved down the field, and ended the drive with a disappointing punt. Team 1 got the ball, and after a few plays, were four yards from the first down line on fourth down. They went for it and a pass from Lil Cuz to Brass monkey was batted down. Team 2 got the ball, and finished the drive with a touchdown to Man Eater on a flea-flicker play.  The trivia awaited, and “Who has the record for most rushing yards in a season?” tested the knowledge of the Pax.  Cap’n D answered with Eric Dickerson: the correct answer. The score was Team 2:7, Team 1:0. Team 1 got the ball, and wasted no time telling us that they were not brushoffs and moved down the field fast. On first and goal, Lil Cuz threw a pass meant for either Goose or Brass Monkey. Either way, they both jumped up, focused on the ball, ready to snag it out of the air…and slammed into each other. Quote Goose, “When I saw that ball in the air, I felt like I was 12 again.” They redeemed themselves and scored on a pass to Brass Monkey. Cap’n D answered the next question, and we played on. 7-7. Next, Man Eater threw a bomb meant for Yankee, but it was intercepted by Cuz. Team 1 Scored on another pass to Goose. 14-7. The next drive was interesting, and YHC’s team stuck to short passes and handoffs, more than half of them going to Pope, and Cap’n D caught a touchdown pass, and answered the question correctly. Game tied 14-14. Team 2 drove down the field, and this drive put the 2.0’s on the map. Bam-Bam caught the first pass of the drive and ran six yards, then he caught another pass for more yards. Then Brass Monkey smashed through Team 2’s entire defense and got a first down. Then Jackknife caught a pass and ran through a wide-open hole to the three-yard line. Then Bam-Bam caught a touchdown pass and Team 1 took the lead 21-14. Again, Cap’n D blew the trivia out of the water. On the first play of the next drive Man Eater threw a bomb pass to Cap’n D, who dove and caught it with his fingertips. But the next play, Man Eater threw a pass meant for Yankee Joe, But Lil Cuz jumped in front and snagged his second interception of the game. Goose took over as Quarterback for Team 1, and they went for it on fourth down, and White Meat dropped a pass. Cap’n D took over as Team 2’s Quarterback, and Yankee Joe caught a pass in the End Zone. 21-21. This time, Yankee Joe answered the question right. Team 1 still had Goose for a Quarterback, and when they got to the five-yard line, Cap’n D rushed Goose, and Goose ran into the End Zone. 28-21. Yankee Joe tramped the trivia, and Team 2 got the ball again. Cap’n D stayed as Team 2’s QB for the rest of the game, and his plays worked every time. After an amazing throw and catch from Cap’n D to Pope, we were at the seven-yard line. A pass to YHC was complete and YHC ran into the end zone and tied the game once again, and Yankee rocked the trivia, answering the question immediately after YHC asked it. 28-28. Team 1 threw three passes that were all batted down, and they punted. Cap’n D threw a huge pass to the other side of the field to Yankee Joe, and Yankee caught it and bowled over the line to give Team 2 the lead 35-28 with two minutes left to play. Team 1 dashed down the field and scored on a pass to Goose. The score was tied again. The trivia was crushed by Joe. 35-35. With 14 seconds left to play, Team 2 lined up fast and an incomplete was thrown. For the last play of the game, Cap’n D threw a Hail Mary to Pope, and Pope caught it and turned around to go for the game-winning touchdown…but then stepped out of bounds. The game ended with a score of 35-35, a tie. The Circle of trust was done, and the ‘Yote Bowl ended. Thank you guys for your prayers, and for a great football game…and beware of ‘Yote Bowl part two: overtime.

  • It’s The Climb – from Paradox

    YHC recently finished “Into Thin Air” by John Krakauer, a first hand account of a tragic Everest expedition in 1996. It turned disastrous after a freak storm hit the summit during the only window multiple competing teams had to make it to the top. A great read if you want a deep dive into the world of high summit climbing and especially if you really, really never want to even consider strapping on a pair of crampons.

    But it got my wheels turning about bucket list items and the wild ambitions a man can find on this planet. (There’s a beatdown coming here later but just sit tight with your hookahs for a moment.)

    Ya see, There have been short periods of time when YHC had his own aspirations as a mountain climber. First in my early 20s and then I left a rock climbing gym with a hernia. The staff said “first time climbers” shouldnt recreate Tom Cruise mission impossible stunts but what do they know.
    Undeterred, a few years later I headed up a mountain in Breckinridge, CO (brek brah) during a med school trip and was met with acute altitude sickness. It will shock none of our local pax to hear that my body shuts down if I leave the state lines or an altitude of 100 feet. Those trips to the oxygen bar did have a silver lining as I found out my future M would leave her friends and nurse a redneck bafoon to health.
    Now in a real pickle, I had met both physical and even genetic barriers to my climbing goals . But nonetheless my 7th grade bucket list item remained.! Mrs Smith, our English/creative writing teacher (who planted the seeds of back blasting 101), had instructed us that no item was too far fetched to put on our list. So right there sandwiched between “Ironman triathlon “ and “learn English” was “climb or visit the 7 summits”. But here I was, like a 5:02am YJ bowel movement , stuck between a rock and a hard place as time ran out. The opportunities flushing fast and the midlife crisis impending as YHC saw his 7th grade dreams replaced by watching men in verbal altercations about the glory of a hand jive. Was my musical life just a sing-along this whole time??

    Panic stricken, I made a plan…

    I wouldn’t climb them free and solo. (Been there , done that, have the scars)

    WE would climb them.

    And we would climb them ALL in a 45 min free men’s workout.

    Duke!! Put down that FMLA paperwork!
    We are back to blasting !!
    Roll the beautiful mountain bean footage!!

    YHC rolled in a 1/2 minute late to a Lions Den boiling over with pax. Safety Valve continues to make up for a lifetime of missed SSH and provided a prompt courtesy warmup for the men. Fighting shadow GroupMe Q stealers and cumbersome garage coupons this beatdown theme was already heating up as a true uphill battle for YHC. We hit the usuals with continued slow high knee pax not maximizing their zone 2 cardio and our Lake Charles brothers wondering if the cadence here in Thibodaux is done in synchronized ear buds.

    YHC gave the pax a little warmup mosey while slipping in hints to the big Thang.
    7 nation Army was a nod to the 7 summits and the only riff I could try to learn on a guitar to looked cool in 2005.

    Next up YHC needed to sell the allure of the mountains. We had “ Big rock candy mountain “ by Harry McClintock and he’s a fine salesman, ensuring us there would be no rain, wind or bull dogs with real teeth.
    A perfectly weird tune that we performed MCs, plank jacks and coupon merkins to.

    These young sherpax also required belay certification. YHC obliged by splitting them into two teams and utilizing a standard issue Mardi Gras football for each team that needed to be transported around the civic center. They needed to spread out in a chain and throw the ball one man at a time. With a drop equaling 3 burpees. And continuous squats for any stationary pax. Most of the pax atleast feined understanding and this mini thang proceeded to reach 7.2 on the Maui Scale. Drone reports later cited early high altitude cerebral edema that lead to the opposing team thinking the 3 burpees happen everytime they threw their kloot. YHC sent the chopper 6 rescue for rendezvous back at base camp and the whole thing had to filed under “belayed gratification”.

    All that was left was Altitude Training so we headed to Lafourche Parishs highest point to complete 10 burpees then it was go time:

    Mount Thang a Lang

    How it should work: Team sends 1 man up the mountain to do reps up top while all alternate between 3 exercises (7-7-7) , rinse and repeat till entire team has competed.
    Winner has all team mates back and in plank

    7 rounds for the 7 highest summits on each continent(some modified for time)

    Authors Note
    ***
    There are almost as many geography schisms as Thibodaux sandwich schisms and it seems fiercely debated which of the seven summits are the “true seven”. This bd will reference the area of Oceani (Australia plus New Zealand plus Indonesia) and the concensuus across trivia books seems to be the below:

    1- OCEANIA

    Puncak Jaya (16k ft)
    what country?
    (Indonesia)
    Merkins – plank jacks -squats

    We started at a modest 16000 feet and this one may have been the toughest trivia across the board. YHCs Jawa is a little rough around the edges, compounded by wind and N. Canal traffic most of the pax thought I had sneezed and were still waiting on a question when we started burpees.

    Team 1 took a decisive victory with a shocking decision to put Maneater as the sprint finisher and Jennayyy I tell ya..this man just felt like running. It took a year or two but we finally found Maneaters trigger….NEVER Disrespect Olivia Newton John or he will run you into the ground. White Meat could not be reached for comment and we left his body and a copy of Big Lebowski for the natives on Puncak Jaya.

    2- ANTARCTICA
    Mount Vinson Massif (16)

    Penguins – Leg Raise – WW3 sit-ups

    Goosie got this one correct after heavy penguin hints.
    Team 1 had found there best horse and Maneater was again putting pure greased lightning.

    3- EUROPE
    Mount Elbrus (18k ft)
    ***Skipped for time but I think we did burpees for the trivia.

    4- AFRICA
    Mt Kilimanjaro (20k ft)
    (Easiest to climb)
    Coupon jumps, Donkey kicks, tin soldiers

    YHC meant to serenade the pax with Toto’s masterpiece here bit if you start to play it in your head now it will reach peak chorus when you finish this blast.

    5- NORTH MERKINA
    Denali (22k ft)
    Merkins- wide, regular, diamond

    All Merkins because nothing says USA like naming your most majestic gas guzzling SUV after your politically controversial named and renamed mountain.

    6- SOUTH AMERICA
    Acongua (27k ft)
    27 Monkey Humpers
    -Just seemed right

    Finisher….

    7- ASIA
    Everest (29)
    “I’m on top of the World”

    On top of having some great bd songs this band also gives you the chance to always end a tough conversation with the upper hand by saying “imagine those dragons” and then walking away. (Reader discretion advised, not for domestic use)

    We did Coupon Al Gore and Thrusters on “World”

    We finished with continuous thrusters and all legs met jello criteria.

    Back to the flag for supplemental oxygen, counting, naming and also we learned XL is actually Excel so we didn’t have anymore questions about mysterious t-shirt sizes and some mumbled comments about google sheets being superior.

    Announcements were mostly replaced by ways to let YJ know his Manniversary was a hoax or turn it into a “9th green at 9 “”situation. Backblast pending?

    Prayers and intentions for many in our regions and beyond.

    Thanks for climbing with me Pax

    I hope that in this Lenten season of lessened distractions God makes our own mountains more clear and that we have the faith to climb with what he has provided.

    Can you imagine those dragons?

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Let’s Get Physical…and Possibly Excommunicated: White Meat, Maneater, and the Chatter That Broke Me – from Yankee Joe

    Alternate Blast Titles:

    1) Catholicism, Burpees, and Heresy—Oh My!
    2) Lent, Lamentations, and the Theology of Bad Ideas
    3) Deconstructed Burpees and Doctrinal Confusion
    4) Apolo Ohno, Olivia Newton-John, and the Road to Redemption

    ———-
    YHC grew up Episcopalian, and most of what I knew about Catholicism came from Robin Williams’ stand-up line: “I’m Episcopalian – that’s Catholic-lite. Same religion, half the guilt!” For YHC, Lent usually translated loosely to giving up Cokes or committing to finally get a six pack.

    Honestly, I had no idea what Lent was about.

    Honestly, neither does the Episcopal “church.”

    Thus, my integration into the Lenten season has been both brutal and emancipating. But, you’re probably asking yourself, “What does this have to do with Apolo Ohno’s, Olivia Newton John, and White Meat’s comfort level with F3 intimacy?”

    Nothing, but I bet you’re paying attention now.

    ———-

    Anyway, I hastily designed a Lenten beatdown theme, awkwardly linking F3 mantra to Christ’s three temptations in the wilderness. Oh…and dear Reader, when I say awkwardly, I mean like forcing a kangaroo into roller skates or stuffing a marshmallow into a piggy bank slot or cramming one leg into Wet Tap’s Mudgear shorts.

    Some – things – just – don’t – fit.

    Perhaps comparing America’s Best’s take on deconstructed burpees to Jesus’ resistance to Satan and his ultimate victory over death was a bit…I dunno…misguided. Indeed, as the beatdown progressed, YHC realized he was recklessly walking a thin line between ‘theological misstep’ and…well…HERESY.

    Oy gevalt! Mel Brooks would have a field day with me. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, amirite?

    ———-

    Thang 1:

    Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

    Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

    The Heresy:

    Then America’s Best was led by Goose into the Sweet Grass to be tempted by Paradox. After researching EV’s for forty days, he was a Socialist. Paradox said to him, “If you are indeed a rugby playing optometrist from Virginia (It’s for luvahs), then turn these stones into merkins.

    AB answered, “The PAX does not sweat on merkins alone, but all aspects of exercises that come from the Burpee. (So, for AB…his favorite and superfluous deconstructed Burpee.)

    Bear and Block to marker 40 yards away

    – 20 coupon LBC’s
    – 20 merkins
    – 20 curls
    – 20 squat jumps

    Return Rifle carry

    – 20 coupon LBC’s
    – 20 merkins
    – 20 curls
    – 20 squat jumps

    ———-
    Thang 2:

    Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

    “He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”

    Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”

    The Heresy:

    Then Paradox said, “If you are truly part of the Thibodaux PAX, throw yourself down to the ground. For it is written: “The Q will be gracious and not let you endure a beatdown with planking.”

    AB answered, “Do not put your Q to the test.”

    Broad jump burpees to marker 40 yards

    – 20 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
    – 20 mary poppins
    – 20 J-Lo’s 2:1
    – 20 chilcutt jacks

    Sprint Return

    – 20 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
    – 20 mary poppins
    – 20 J-Lo’s 2:1
    – 20 chilcutt jacks

    ———-

    Thang 3:

    Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

    Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.”

    The Heresy:

    Paradox showed AB all the AO’s in the world and you can start your own F3 cartel, call it a nonprofit, and then forget about executing the correct form on any exercise.

    AB said to him, “Away from me Paradox! For it is written that a proper Apolo Ohno requires one hand touch to the ground and the other behind your back.

    Coupon lunges to marker, 40 yards

    – 40 toe taps to coupon 2:1
    – 40 apolos 2:1
    – 40 bonnies 1:1
    – 40 climber merkins (one mountain climber, then merkin)

    Sprint Return

    Regardless, the Thangs were challenging and the chatter was unbelievable. Now, please don’t misunderstand…the chatter was actually, mystifyingly unbelievable. I couldn’t actually believe the sheer volume of garbage spewing forth from these clowns.

    It was nonstop. It was off the rails. It was maddening. It was…then it happened.

    Working through Apolo’s, came the next generation of chatter. Not since the Enron/Paradox chatter pair burst into the gloom have we heard such meaningless banter. Even the Popeye/AB fragrance, Eau de ‘self righteousness’ wilts in comparison. From the midst of the Den, White Meat and Maneater engaged in what has to be improv at its finest.

    It went something like this…

    Maneater (to White Meat): “You look like Olivia Newton John.”

    White Meat: “Who?”

    ME: “You don’t know Olivia Newton John? Hopelessly Devoted? Let’s Get Physical?!? Grease?!?”

    WM: “Nope. I don’t watch musicals. You like them?”

    ME: “I was born to hand jive.”

    WM: “Come again?”

    Paradox (singing): “Let’s get physical.”

    WM: “No thank you.” (staring at Dox in disgust)

    We finished up with a last ditch effort to quell the chatter. By this time, YHC had lost his patience, dropping random passive aggressive shots at nobody in particular. Muttered comments like, ‘running their mouths too much to be exercising’ and that ‘the Pax in general had too much energy’ and that ‘I would show them a thing or two about a…whatever’. This ain’t even my whole night, bruh.

    So, to the musical and redundant stylings of Bill Withers’ “Lovely Day,” the PAX did various leg work during verses and then star jumps for every “Lovely Day.” In case you were wondering, there are 96.

    Real Talk:
    The song choice was not a product of repetitive triggers perfect for F3. Well, it was, but not completely. Since joining F3 as well as converting to Catholicism (and yes…I do mean ‘conversion’…there ain’t no catholic-lite about it), my concept of Lent has moved from, “Do I have to do this?” to “I get to do this.”

    That doesn’t mean it’s not hard or that I don’t take it out on fellow PAX when they aren’t following my very simple instructions. In truth, it is hard and I do take it out on White Meat…and sometimes Paradox.

    Good to be back, Fellas.

    SYITG,

    Jeaux

  • Burn it Out Like We Used to Do – from Goose

    YHC has greatly admired the incredible creativity that this Thibodaux PAX has continued to bring to the table week after week. The bar is set high, and it’s clear this crew is willing to put in solid prep work out of appreciation for their companions in the gloom. It’s unmatched by any other region YHC where has posted.

    However, this morning, YHC felt the need to focus on a few particular areas that need shoring up and decided to dial up a few classic burners to do the trick. Sometimes you gotta bring the bar down a little bit, you know? I mean, we can’t have guys posting in other places where they just pull routines from the Exicon and wonder why there aren’t any trivia questions, hidden cones, costumes, monologues, or Coupons of Unusual Size. We’ve got to know how to fit in a little bit.

    So, after a hefty warmup of the old faithfuls (this was day 1 of waking up without a painful memory of Thursday), we lined up for a fast-paced set of 11’s. Curls at one end, Big Boy Situps at the other, and carioca and side shuffles to get back and forth through the grass. (Our shoes and socks had been missing the moisture–you can’t let those get too dried out.)

    With the 30 min or so remaining, YHC blew the dust of the Deck-o-Death and explained that we’d be doing the classic D-o-D routine, which consists of an exercise assigned to each suit and the number of the card indicating the reps. No poker or battle or anything, we’d just take turns pulling the top card and completing the assigned exercises as follows:
    -Diamonds = tricep presses
    -Clubs = goblet squats
    -Hearts = coupon flutter kicks
    -Spades = manmakers
    -Aces = 50 Rocky Balboas on the curb (2:1)
    -Jokers = 20 coupon jump-overs (2:1)

    You have to have at least one exercise in the routine to make you dread that suit and add some drama as well as a healthy sprinkling of some tougher stuff. This morning, however, the drama turned into tragedy. Despite the deck having never been used for any actual card games, you’d have thought YHC’s kids had used it recently to play “Spades, Spades, and More Spades”. So, the weak attempt at shuffling did little to stem the unending tide of manmakers that washed over the PAX. It was punctuated every now and then by Rocky Balboas, which gave the PAX a chance to River Dance their pain away, but somehow the spades multiplied while we were at the curb. There was no official count, but AB is pretty sure there were at least three Queens and seven 7’s of spades drawn. Things were getting dangerous. The spades seemed to be gaining intelligence as they multiplied. Thankfully, they lost their power once the clock registered 6:00am and we sealed them away in a sandwich bag.

    COT and Maneater revealed the newest embarrassing wearable, Proper Twelve. It’s a crop top with an whiskey brand on it that he caught at a parade. Not sure who was wearing it before it was thrown, but it was awarded to Smooth, who hopes he can comply with the HOA policy which requires that shirts must cover the nips while using shared facilities.

    AB prayed us out, and we shared our gratitude that he’ll be Q-ing tomorrow, which reduces the likelihood of manmakers substantially.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • 2/27/25 Planet Fitness Death March – from Smooth Operator

    2/27/25 Planet Fitness Death March
    XL
    Pipelayer
    Pope
    Goose
    Safet Valve
    Lil Cuz
    ManEater
    Americas Best
    Yankee Joe

    Nothing like a lil death march to get us into the month of March, and an end to Run Cajun Run by doing a little pole to pole shuffling.
    YHC showed up a little later than normal from a night shift due to late morning shift change. Goose had already started his warm-up lap and Pope and Maneater were discussing ways to save Pope’s generation from world-wide catastrophes like man eating lion’s and tigers and dead eyed corporation gym members and such.  
    As others showed up, one individual stood out. He did not know it, but Lil Cuz was instrumental in the creation of this beatdown. He once told me of a gym where “normal” people could go and walk on tread mills and do exercise machines and other foreign “equipment” without fear of being intimidated by individuals who grunted a little too much or occasionally dropped a heavy object or two. He even said there was a buzzer type light that was in place to shame these Neanderthalic clumsy individuals. And as I stored this seemingly useless but hilarious information into my hard drive, YHC vowed to use this information for the good of humanity.  

    Warmarama  
    As we huddled around the handicap sign due to a lack of lion statue that YHC will never get over. 0515 hit and YHC and Pope ran to the flag to begin Side straddle hops while others filtered in from the sign using the non-orderly fashion method. After this warmarama went as normal with YHC forgetting his numbers occasionally.

    Exercises were:
    SSH
    Imperial Walkers
    Mountain Climbers
    Tie Fighters both front and back  

    Thang 1  
    Planet Fitness Death March

    Thang 1 began with what seemed to be the start of some Canal street burpees, but YHC kept moseying into the abyss located between Live Mais and I’m Loving It. The PAX continued to the TJ Maxx end of Plaza Del Rienzi Shopping Center, and we stopped for YHC to explain the rules for our little there and back again march. The rules are as follows: Each skinny post the PAX will complete 2 goosees, thank you Goose for the demonstration. Each fat post will be 10 merkins and the PAX will bear crawl to the next post. For each 90 degrees turn in our alley way the Pax will complete 10 burpees. Mode of transport would be a mosey Ish sprint. At this point the PAX moseyed to the far end of our brightly lit alley way. We stopped near Bourgeois Insurance Shop and as the PAX attempted to ask further question YHC gave the ready set go and off the PAX went. YHC learned quickly that the PAX is up for any challenge. They started out the gate moving fast and never let up even when we reached the Planet Fitness area where we received a couple dead eyed stares and even probably got posted on Snapchat by one of the employees. You could have sworn that the PAX had painted red hands on their shorts and were carrying protest signs by the looks we received. The PAX kept at it and finished long before YHC expected. When Valve came to pick up the 6 (ME) he was adamant he would not be going back to our starting point near Bourgeois Insurance. Therefore, YHC decided in a bout of leniency to do a Rapid-Fire Death March. The Rules are the same except there would be no bear crawling and all number of reps would be 1. The PAX completed this in record time and before you know it, the PAX was on the move again in the direction of Small’s parking lot.

    Thang 2  
    Making it up as YHC goes

    We reached Small’s and YHC decided it was time for what everyone was there for anal street burpees. We did a couple and AB (the voice of reason) decided that tiny asphalt rocks and glass was not the place to be burpee ing. It seems like this wasn’t AB cup of frothy coffee, therefore the PAX headed back to the flag with 12 minutes to go. As we reached the flag YHC decided we would do a couple rounds of Mary. It started with a plead to move to concrete instead of the wet grass which YHC graciously approved. The round of Mary started with WWI sit ups, followed by Goose’s crunchy frogs, and the Yankee Joe’s Scissor maneuver. At this point we had approximately 10 minutes to go and YHC decided abs were not the way to go to kill time. The PAX took a lap around the civic center and ended up waiting on the 6 (YHC). With approximately 7 minutes to go, YHC decided that clearly running was not the way to go. The stair seemed to call out to the PAX as YHC rounded the front of the Warren Harang Municipal building. The Pax lined up and we went up and down 3 or 4 times which seemed to be the best work to rest ratio and as 0559 approached the PAX hit the ground for a minute of merkins or high plank holds until the St. Joseph co Cathedral bells started ringing signifying 0600.

    The PAX circled up around the flags and counted off. Announcements revealed Paradox got JBL charging and a whole hour of questionable music picked out for Saturday’s beatdown. Show up if you can. There will also be a board meeting at some point to further strengthen the inner circles. Prayers were for the ACTs retreat coming up and prayers for Yote’s continued treatment. Yankee Joe then prayed us out. Thanks for letting me lead and not removing my Q card upon completion.
    SYITG,
    Smooth Operator

    P.S.
    AS YHC crafted this beatdown in the parking lot of Tiger Rock Martial Arts (gym?). I thought this beatdown would force the PAX to throw a lot of weight on the ground and hopefully ring the Planet Fitness buzzer a couple times. But on the way to the beatdown, listening to the Exodus 90 scripture reading and reflection a section struck me. It reads, The Psalmist prays: “Moses, God’s chosen one, stood in the breach before him, to turn away his wrath from destroying them” (Psalm 106:23). The Lord calls each of us to do the same for those God has given us to love and lead, to stand in the breach, to be willing to suffer for them, and to call down the Lord’s mercy on them. Today weather the Planet Fitness members knew it or not, The PAX stood in the breach, suffered for them and through suffering hopefully called down the Lord’s mercy on them.  

    P.P.S
    Dumbledore Come Home
     

  • Hive Mind – from America’s Best

    Waramrama

    YHC was thinking of a story his old man told him years ago. He was at work, minding his own business, when some large bird (likely a Goose) slammed into his workstation at about 600mph, splattering blood everywhere. Oh, did I mention his workstation was the backseat of an F-4? Anyway, it shattered the canopy a bit, and (unbeknownst to them) knocked out their communications. Because he wasn’t getting an answer, Dad thought his buddy upfront was either dead or unconscious; his front-seater thought the same thing of him. So what ensued for several seconds was each man trying to take control of the stick, unsuccessfully because they were basically fighting each other. Eventually, they both figured out that the other was ok, somehow, just because they had trained for so long together.
    I got to thinking, when you train with some dudes, maybe you can start to think what they are thinking…

    The Thing 1:

    An exercise is assigned to each pair of partners.

    Each partner runs to opposite side of the runway and does part of the total number of exercises. The object is to get as close to the total number as possible. Double the absolute value of the difference between assigned reps and actual reps is the penalty. And to keep anyone from just trying to do exactly half, if both partners do the exact same number, the penalty is all the reps again.

    Round 1: 50 merkins
    Round 2: 40 bbs
    Round 3: 30 burpees

    By Round 3, I think most teams had figured out what their partners were doing and so they had to do very few burpees. YHC, however, didn’t realize that his partner (Tana) was cleverly doing one more than half the reps each time. Failing to see the pattern, and instead thinking he had been doing one less each time, YHC did 16 burpees. Tana had to ask me several times if I had really done 16… also saying to me more than once “I was doing one more than half each time.” I haven’t seen someone so visibly disappointed in me since I asked my dad to order me a Frappacino.
    So we had 15 penalty burpees each. We came here to get stronger, not smarter.

    Next Thang: Partners split up, creating two teams.
    Each team is given one band and has to come up with 3 songs by that band during a short mosey with merkins.

    Winning team does 10 merkins, loser 10 burpees.
    The twist: There is a song that links both bands. If both teams choose that in their list, they avoid the penalty (10 more of each). So you have to think about the other team’s music and choices too.
    Don’t think too deeply about your PAX’s music choices though; those Peter Gabriel and Depeche Mode rabbit holes can lead you to a dark place(possibly parked out by a lake).

    First bands: Foo Fighters vs. Pink Floyd or Tom Petty
    Team 2 chose Tom Petty but did not return with “Learning to Fly.” Team 1 identified 3 Foo songs, including “Learn to Fly.”

    Smashing Pumpkins, Genesis
    Linked songs: Tonight, Tonight and Tonight Tonight Tonight

    Justin Bieber, nirvana
    Linked songs: Sorry, all apologies

    Justin Bieber, Eminem
    Linked songs: Love Yourself, Lose Yourself

    Bruce Springsteen, CCR
    Linked songs: Born to run and/or Born in USA, Born on the bayou

    Radiohead, Stone Temple Pilots
    Linked songs: Creep (I know, I’ll get you next time Left Eye)

    We all did innumerable merkins and burpees, in spite of TexicoCat bringing the Bieber knowledge.
    Next time, it will be all country garbage songs. I promise, Dox.

    SYITG,
    AB

  • With Speed – from America’s Best

    Having arrived early for set-up, YHC drove over to where the flags should be to get this thing started.
    Warmarama with the usual stuff.
    Indian Run down the road and back again, to the field.

    First Thing:
    Since the numbers were low today, we would experiment with a little Dora-like exercise that will be used in a future beatdown. Just needed to be tested in a small beatdown laboratory today. Partnering up, Partner1 begins burpee while Partner2 Bear-crawls about 15 yard before turning around and coming back to retrieve partner. Then both partners crab walk to the end and complete 10 burpees each. Finish is when 100 burpees have been completed total. All subjects survived (Maneater had not yet injured his back), so it will be integrated into the future BD as planned.

    Next thing:
    Working on foot eye coordination, PAX will have to attempt a long shot at a small goal. All misses result in 10 of something. The closer you are to the goal, the better the exercise. Within 1st cone, LBCs; within 2nd cone, BBS; within 3rd cone, merkins, within 4th cone, Goosies; outside of any of those, burpees.
    I can’t remember exactly how this played out, but I remember White Meat had one amazing shot and one horrible one, and Lil Cuz scored one. Dox definitely kicked one the farthest for 10 burpees. Maneater had not yet injured his back.

    Final Thing:
    Michigan PE teacher Elmer Mitchell created this sport in 1921 (and it was played one year in middle school PE by YHC in 1987), naming it Speedball to evoke the combined feeling of stimulation and depression that comes with being a PE teacher in 1921 (or of being in a middle school PE class in 1987).
    Speedball is a combination of many other sports. Notably, it can be played on a field of any size or location so it’s perfect for the amorphous unbounded field we typically use. Teams were made. Trash was talked. Feelings were hurt. Maneater injurted his back. The Speedball Transfer Portal was opened. It was a close match, but one of the two teams won.
    Moseyed back to the spot where the flags should be for COT.

    SYITG,

    AB

  • False Alarm! – from America’s Best

    Boxing Day is known for many things. Well, a few things at least. Ok, really nobody knows much about what Boxing Day is, but if you Google it, you will find that the Boxing Day leftover sandwich is a thing.

    Which is perfect, because I happened to have not finished the “sandwich” week of IPC, so we would perform that as a leftover today. . .

    The Undercard:
    Bear crawl 30 yards, triple-broad jump back, with 3 burpees after each 3 jumps. Accompanying music: a leftover earworm from Paradox’s Buttcracker last week. Since it was a ballet theme, I was sure Dox would throw in the (Yacht Rock?) classic “True” by Spandau Ballet. Since he didn’t, it has been playing on repeat in my brain for a week. The only way to cleanse: do some work while the entire song plays out. Sometimes you have to poison the host to kill the parasite.

    Then we moseyed with our coupons ¼ around the CC for…

    The Main Event:

    Based on a prior template, the PAX would do an exercise while one man took a lap contemplating a question. Today, they would be mostly True or False Questions.
    Correct answer results in reward, incorrect results in punishment. With each question, the PAX had one extra chance at redemption by identifying title and artist of the song playing.

    First up: Tana. T or F: According to the Bible, 3 wise men visited Jesus’ nativity.
    We did curls while “Fairytale of New York” played. Tana returned, unaware he had even been asked a question. Nonetheless, he responded “True.” The answer, in fact, is False, and we did 5 burpees. Goose was able to identify the Pogues (2nd guess), and although I didn’t hear him name the song, he did inform the PAX that the NYPD does not actually have a choir, which is an infinitely superior piece of information.

    And for that, Goose got to go next. T or F: The modern image of Santa Claus (as we know him) was created by Coca-Cola. Now, YHC tried to pretend the question was randomly selected, but of course, it was designed for Goose since I’ve heard him state this as fact at least twice in the last week.
    White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes played while Goose contemplated and ran, and the rest did Mike Tyson merkins (it’s Boxing Day, remember?)
    Goose returned, and less-confidently than expected, answered “True.” In fact, again the answer is false, as there exist multiple examples of Santa as we know him prior to the Coca Cola ads of the 30s and 40s.
    5 burpees.

    Maneater was next, and his T or F question was: The use of an “Xmas” as a placeholder for “Christmas” began as part of the conspiracy to excise Christ from His holiday.
    We continued the Boxing Day theme and listened to a cover of “Christmas Treat” by Julian Casablancas. (the original was written by Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sans for an SNL sketch).
    I was sure to sort of mumble the original question to make sure Maneater answered “True” (which he did). Of course, again the answer was false, as the X (Greek Chi) has been used to nenote Christ since around 1500. 5 burpees
    YHC had already selected the PAX question for this round: “Julian Casablancas is the lead singer of what band?” Honeysuckle, mid-song, perhaps using mind-reading technology, before I had a chance to even ask the question, asked “Is this the Strokes?”
    The PAX was rewarded with 10 merkins.

    And Honeysuckle got to be the next man up. Recognizing that HS likely was on to my pattern, I had to switch gears and not offer him a T or F question. Instead, it was Dad joke time: What did Goose say when Pope gave him a comb for Christmas?
    Honeysuckle ran while the PAX alternated 7 Goosies with 7 Merkins and listened to “One Glove,” a duet by Jimmy Fallon and Will Ferrell. Although HS was unable to come up with the answer (Thanks, I’ll never part with it), Goose and Tana worked out both the title and artist of the song. I think we did 10 merkins as reward.

    Next Wet Tap was given:
    T or F: The lyric “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” originally was at the end (and not the beginning) of the song.
    Worded like that, it seems like it should be true, right? We did 8-count bodybuilders while Tap ran around and convinced himself of just that fact, and returned with his (incorrect) answer of True (originally, that lyric was not in the song at all).
    However, between Pope and Goose, “Christmas at Ground Zero” by Weird Al was correctly identified. The PAX did 5 8-count bodybuilders as a reward.

    We found a dry spot to alternate between 7 squats and 7 Aussie Angels (might be made up) while Safety Valve ran and pondered the question written for Paradox:
    T or F: The most popular Christmas candy bar in Louisiana is the Kit Kat.
    He returned with a very reasonable answer: True. However, according to the Paradox taxonomy of candy bars, everything is a candy bar, so the most popular candy bar in LA is actually the candy cane. So again, the correct answer was false.
    Goose identified that Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis were performing their version of the 12 Days of Christmas, but amazingly only knew their actual names, and not the characters Bob and Doug MacKenzie. Sometimes a man’s brain is too full of useful information and the useless stuff starts falling out. Sad.

    Pope was the last man, and was confronted with the most difficult true or false question of the day:
    True or False: Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
    We were about to do mountain climbers while he ran, but suddenly YHC heard Montana say something, which I swear was “why can’t we do something in this nice wet grass instead?” Thinking fast, YHC quickly changed the event to WW3 situps.
    Pope returned, answering True. My knee-jerk reaction was that this should be False (mainly because all the answers were false) but this subject has been famously debated, and I honestly wasn’t sure where I fell on this one… so YHC needed bit of time to think. Luckily, we had the other slice of bread for our Boxing Day Sandwich, and we were Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, as PM Dawn sampled Spandeau Ballet’s “True” and the PAX again bearcrawled 30 yards and Triple-Burpee-Broad-Jumped back. Twice.
    This time we had to deal with the wet and slippery grass, and through the fog I could see men crashing down around me. In my mind I heard Frank Costanza’s voice shouting, “I sent 16 of my own men to the latrines that night!” I pushed the guilt aside, trying to fix my mind on the Die Hard dilemma.

    We finished mostly unscathed (you okay, Valve?) and returned for COT. YHC reluctantly accepted Bluetube from Tana. Goose prayed us out.

    Great job as always men.
    SYITG,

    AB

    AB Cs the light (post credits-scene):

    I created this beatdown as a “Not really Christmas” theme. After Goose’s OG-Christmas-Carol-Only BD, and the newfangled trendy music of Tchaikovsky last week, all of the songs this morning were intentionally Christmas-adjacent at best.

    As far as the Die Hard dilemma goes… the arguments that it is a Christmas movie are many: The word “Christmas” is mentioned something like 18 times. More times than “die”, “hard”, “bomb”, “explode”, or “gun”. The setting is Christmastime during a company Christmas party.
    Sounds Christmas-y.

    But much like the beatdown today, it is superficial. Although I was wearing bad Santa pajamas, and there was a lot of talk about Christmas-y stuff, I only mentioned Jesus twice. Die Hard probably has zero references. I know, I know, you’re all saying, “But AB, what about the scripture ‘and the Lord spoketh “Yippee Kai-Ay.”’?’ I tell you then that is also false, and I compel you to admire the number of quotation marks used in the prior sentence. Pretty impressive, right?

    So the movie synopsis: a celebration of corporate greed is interrupted by terrorists/thieves who get theirs at the hands of a NYPD detective.
    Just like my beatdown, this has little to do with what Christmas actually is all about. And from that perspective, I find it hard to argue that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

    I Know this Much is True.

  • The Big Picture Hurts Sometimes   (by Pope) – from Goose

    PAX: Pope, Goose, Bambam, Duke, Maneater, Jackknife, Captain D, Darrell Strawberry, Honey Suckle, Popeye, Yankee Joe
                     
                      The morning began with YHC coming downstairs to the scene of the average 10 minutes before our family’s departure for something like a doctor’s appointment or church or the like, but at 5:50 am. Reasons for our showing up at 6:27 included our inability to find a suitable cold-weather hat for Duke and an ill-timed wakeup of mini-2.0 (and YHC’s inability to find his object of pacification). Eventually we managed to get moving; we arrived and parked by the field by Bayou Road. We greeted the early PAX by 6:30 and had the usual warmup (SSH, imperial walkers, toy soldiers, windmills, WMH, arm circles, cherry pickers, self-love) then moseyed.
                      YHC jumped ahead of the PAX, grabbed five cones, and set them up in the field in pentagonal fashion, each about 10 yards apart, with a small piece of Paw Patrol diaper box with much less friendly sharpie handwriting on the blank sides. The rest of the PAX grabbed coupons out of Goose’s truck and fell in inside the pentagon. YHC proceeded to explain the circuit, with exercises corresponding to each stage of man’s journey from his origins to his return to God.
                      The routine (largely inspired by Coyote’s everything-I-hate formula) was as follows:
     
    ·      Station 1(the Trinity; the Source of all things)
                      7  8-ct blockee builders, shoulder-carry coupon to next station
    ·      Station 2 (Creation; man created in God’s image)
                     7  man-makers, rifle-carry to next station
    ·      Station 3 (The Fall; man is thrust from grace)
                      15 thrusters, murder bunny to next station
    ·      Station 4 (Redemption; Jesus’ death and resurrection)
                      15 WW3 situps (modified from 20 after one visit), coupon lunge to            next station
    ·      Station 5 (Glorification; man’s return to God)
                                        20 star jumps, block-n-bear back to station 1
     
                      The backdrop soundtrack playing during the repetition of the above routine had been laced with a few songs (covers by the Snake Charmer, distinguishable by the bagpipes at the beginning of each of the songs) that acted as circuit-breakers; upon hearing these the PAX stopped wherever they were and ran a lap around the entire field. Station 3 had a catch to it, namely that if a PAX was there doing thrusters when a circuit-breaker sounded, he would have 30, not 15, thrusters now to complete. As a result, thrusters didn’t seem to be as much of a struggle for the PAX today as they usually are.
                      All the PAX started at station 1 and went at their own pace. Naturally, Goose and Honey Suckle led the way; YHC was drained of q-drenaline, and found what motivation there was to be found in trying not to get lapped by Goose. Additionally, YHC had a realistic experience of the faith journey, frequently hounded by the mental hostility of the adversary (portrayed this morning by Jackknife, who hounded YHC like a dirty little demon in oversized gloves).
                      The PAX recovered at 7:29 and returned the coupons.
                      COT and Maneater prayed us out.
                      Happy 11th birthday to Darrel Strawberry! Congrats on entry to the 11-year-old 2.0 gang of rascals.
                      Real shoutout to the PAX who showed up this morning, as chatter continued for the entire beatdown. Wishes of abundant graces for us all this Advent.
                                                                                                                                                                      SYITG, Pope

  • The Big Picture Hurts Sometimes   (by Pope) – from Goose

    PAX: Pope, Goose, Bambam, Duke, Maneater, Jackknife, Captain D, Darrell Strawberry, Honey Suckle, Popeye, Yankee Joe
                     
                      The morning began with YHC coming downstairs to the scene of the average 10 minutes before our family’s departure for something like a doctor’s appointment or church or the like, but at 5:50 am. Reasons for our showing up at 6:27 included our inability to find a suitable cold-weather hat for Duke and an ill-timed wakeup of mini-2.0 (and YHC’s inability to find his object of pacification). Eventually we managed to get moving; we arrived and parked by the field by Bayou Road. We greeted the early PAX by 6:30 and had the usual warmup (SSH, imperial walkers, toy soldiers, windmills, WMH, arm circles, cherry pickers, self-love) then moseyed.
                      YHC jumped ahead of the PAX, grabbed five cones, and set them up in the field in pentagonal fashion, each about 10 yards apart, with a small piece of Paw Patrol diaper box with much less friendly sharpie handwriting on the blank sides. The rest of the PAX grabbed coupons out of Goose’s truck and fell in inside the pentagon. YHC proceeded to explain the circuit, with exercises corresponding to each stage of man’s journey from his origins to his return to God.
                      The routine (largely inspired by Coyote’s everything-I-hate formula) was as follows:
     
    ·      Station 1(the Trinity; the Source of all things)
                      7  8-ct blockee builders, shoulder-carry coupon to next station
    ·      Station 2 (Creation; man created in God’s image)
                     7  man-makers, rifle-carry to next station
    ·      Station 3 (The Fall; man is thrust from grace)
                      15 thrusters, murder bunny to next station
    ·      Station 4 (Redemption; Jesus’ death and resurrection)
                      15 WW3 situps (modified from 20 after one visit), coupon lunge to            next station
    ·      Station 5 (Glorification; man’s return to God)
                                        20 star jumps, block-n-bear back to station 1
     
                      The backdrop soundtrack playing during the repetition of the above routine had been laced with a few songs (covers by the Snake Charmer, distinguishable by the bagpipes at the beginning of each of the songs) that acted as circuit-breakers; upon hearing these the PAX stopped wherever they were and ran a lap around the entire field. Station 3 had a catch to it, namely that if a PAX was there doing thrusters when a circuit-breaker sounded, he would have 30, not 15, thrusters now to complete. As a result, thrusters didn’t seem to be as much of a struggle for the PAX today as they usually are.
                      All the PAX started at station 1 and went at their own pace. Naturally, Goose and Honey Suckle led the way; YHC was drained of q-drenaline, and found what motivation there was to be found in trying not to get lapped by Goose. Additionally, YHC had a realistic experience of the faith journey, frequently hounded by the mental hostility of the adversary (portrayed this morning by Jackknife, who hounded YHC like a dirty little demon in oversized gloves).
                      The PAX recovered at 7:29 and returned the coupons.
                      COT and Maneater prayed us out.
                      Happy 11th birthday to Darrel Strawberry! Congrats on entry to the 11-year-old 2.0 gang of rascals.
                      Real shoutout to the PAX who showed up this morning, as chatter continued for the entire beatdown. Wishes of abundant graces for us all this Advent.
                                                                                                                                                                      SYITG, Pope