F3 New Orleans

Tag: Maneater

  • F3-GPT – from Cardinal

    YHC had concocted an idea for a beatdown that had been percolating for a few months now, just waiting for the perfect time to reveal itself. With the explosion of AI chatbots this year, the seed was planted – could ChatGPT craft a killer beatdown?? I mean, it’s got an internet archive treasure trove of backblasts to read. YHC would never have to be creative, or panic at 11pm the night before, again!

    Before committing to the idea, though, YHC had to make a promise to himself – whatever ChatGPT gave would be the beatdown, no edits. So below you’ll find for your reading pleasure the full, unedited response to YHC’s prompt, “Create a 45 minute F3 beatdown.”
    —————
    Certainly! Here’s a **45-minute F3 beatdown** that you can use for your workout. This routine is designed to challenge you and work your entire body. Feel free to modify or adjust it as needed:

    1. **Warm-Up** (5 minutes):
    – **SSH (Side Straddle Hops)**: 20 reps
    – **Good Mornings**: 15 reps
    – **Arm Burners**: 10 reps
    – **High Knees**: 20 seconds
    – **Butt Kickers**: 20 seconds
    – **Merkins**: 10 reps

    2. **4 Corners Circuit** (15 minutes):
    – Set up four markers in a square or rectangular shape (e.g., tennis courts).
    – Complete the following exercises at each corner, then run to the next corner:
    – **Round 1**:
    – 10 Merkins
    – 15 Squats
    – 20 Plank Jacks
    – 6 Burpees
    – **Round 2**:
    – 15 Merkins
    – 20 Squats
    – 25 Plank Jacks
    – 8 Burpees
    – **Round 3**:
    – 20 Merkins
    – 25 Squats
    – 30 Plank Jacks
    – 10 Burpees

    3. **Parking Space 11’s** (10 minutes):
    – Start on one side of the parking lot.
    – Perform 10 Merkins, then run to the other side.
    – Perform 1 Charles Shackleford (burpee with a basketball shot).
    – Repeat, decreasing Merkins by 1 and increasing Charles Shacklefords by 1 until you reach 1 Merkin and 10 Charles Shacklefords.

    4. **6 Minutes of Mary** (6 minutes):
    – Rotate through the following core exercises:
    – **The Dolly**
    – **The High Dolly**
    – **LBC (Little Baby Crunches)**
    – **The Dying Cockroach**
    – **Flutter Kick**
    – **Row The Boat**
    – **Freddie Mercury**

    5. **Circle of Trust (COT)** (4 minutes):
    – Share prayer requests and intentions with the group.
    – Consider praying for:
    – Flat Head’s daughter (upcoming test at Chapel Hill)
    – Brother Landlord’s sister (recovering from surgery)
    – Scrappy’s friend (job loss)
    – CPR’s job test
    – Everyone dealing with COVID

    Remember to push yourself but also listen to your body. Modify any exercise as needed, and encourage others during the beatdown! 🏋️‍♂️💪
    ———

    A few observations: ChatGPT didn’t do a bad job overall. It started the Warmorama with SSH’s, as it should. It nailed some classic F3 exercises flawlessly.

    It clearly can’t take into account human fatigue – we ended up scrapping round 3 of the circuit in the interest of time. And if you didn’t recognize some of those exercises, that’s because they don’t exist, but we made our best educated guess where it left us without an explanation. The general consensus was that AI’s plan was to end us all there in its effort to take over the world, but the PAX valiantly pushed through some really hard stuff. It was a sight to behold. We finished out right on time (excluding that 3rd round of the circuit) and Valve prayed us out (including the presumably real intentions offered by PAX in the past).

    Who knows, maybe YHC will pull this tactic again in a pinch.

    SYITG,

    Cardinal

  • EMOMs and CD-ROMs – from Honeysuckle

    YHC and two PAX convened at the Coliseum ready to carry that weight. The route would take us through campus, and a 3-minute EMOM timer was set up for a 30 minute duration. Each time the timer beeped, we were to do 5 weighted merkins and 5 weighted squats.

    Paradox reminded us of the computer scene in the mid-90’s, including the release of Windows 95 and such gems as Encarta and Myst. Encarta, in particular, was a name that YHC had not heard in a long time. Maneater discussed his list of brilliant business ideas.

    All told we traveled 2.2 miles and each did 50 merkins and 50 squats.

    Counted off, Maneater prayed us out.

    As always, it is a privilege to work out with our Thibodaux HIMs.

    SYITG,
    Honeysuckle

  • Wednesday Warrior Recon Ruck – from Smooth Operator

    Wednesday warrior- recon ruck

    Maneater
    Smooth Operator

    YHC showed up to the Colosseum after a night of slim HC’s. Thankfully YHC could count on Maneater to be ready to hit the pavement. YHC didn’t have much inclination to do weighted merkins or squats this morning. What YHC had in store this morning was a need to know what was in the other side of those buildings. YHC had been there a hundred times but never noticed the wall in front of Geaux fish which would be perfect for a bout of ascending testicles. Also YHC never noticed the stair way in front the hospital which would be perfect for box jumps. Wellness center entrance is perfect for some freak nasty’s and for all things good in life YHC looked on at the parking garage and wondered could Wet tap get me into there. Alas this would be for a different beatdown but the wheels have all the grease they need to be turning now.

    YHC set off and crossed in front of Flanigans and Geaux fish staying tight to the buildings to look out for some potential future bodily destruction, we ducked across the hospitals entrance and continued on past the wellness center and around the large outdoor expansion. We past the tennis courts and got on the walking trail leading behind the Did, we past by the campus police station, chick fil a and finally by the football field and got back to the flag at 0600.

    Topics discussed
    – How to become a better evangelist
    – The art of raising boys into men
    – How to keep your spouse perpetually happy
    – How to get back in shape in a matter of days ( hint it involves rucking)
    – How to become a better leader
    – The benefits of tent camping over camper camping

    COT and we prayed out and rolled out. Thanks to Maneater for showing up and knocking out 2.25 miles with YHC this morning.

  • The Den of Pain – from Smooth Operator

    4/11/24 Den of Pain
    Maneater
    Jackknife
    Honeysuckle
    AB
    GOOSE
    POPE
    YJ
    ENRON
    LIL CUZ

    Warmarama
    SSH
    Windmills
    Imperial walkers
    Arm circles
    Mountain climbers

    The Pax grabbed a block and party mode BAPS and Indian rucked with last man doing 3 thrusters to the Den of pain.

    Due to YHC’s inability to count reps we will be practicing this throughout the beatdown

    Thang 1
    7’s
    Block and bears were the transport and man makers or blockies , depending on who you ask ,were done on the hill and goblet squats done between the tire and Oak tree finish line. Block and bears were done going both ways for 2 or 3 rounds and then YHC graciously lowered the expectation to one way and then rifle carry back. Enron completed his 7’s therefore YHC called the Pax back to the top the hill to start thang 2 to save time.

    Thang 2
    11’s
    Murder bunnies were the transport only one way and rifle carry back. Thruster we’re done on top the hill and the finish line which was moved up by YHC, the Pax did WW3 sit ups in the mud. The Pax got roughly half way completed this exercise before YHC called it due to 0600 creeping up on us. At 0545 the Pax partnered up for the next thang.

    Thang 3
    YHC had a vision of doing a Dora 123 with 100 150 200 but with 0600 staring us in the face we bumped it down to 50 100 150. For the 50 the pax would be doing triceps curls. For 100 biceps curls and 150 a rods. The kicker is the mode of transport for the traveling partner would be zombie crawls to the finish line and sprint back. I believe the Pax got roughly half way through their biceps curls before YHC had to call it to get back to the flags. The Pax Indian rucked back and we made it back in time to hold 6” for what felt like an hour but was really 1 1/2 minutes.

    After this we counted off and had announcements and Safety Valve made formed words and prayed us out. Thanks fellas for sticking with me, and not removing my Qing card immediately after the beatdown. It was a pleasure to lead y’all
    SYITG,
    Smooth Operator

  • Hybrids, Donkeys, and Facial Nuts: My Life in Vegan Tights – from Yankee Joe

    YHC enjoys a good prank. As such, April Fool’s Day is like Christmas. Last year, YHC revealed to the PAX that he and his family were moving to the Seattle area. The M would be taking a job with Amazon, while YHC would follow his new found passion of farming to work for a local, kumquat farm. It specialized in organic kumquat-based mineral oils and lotions – all available through an affordable monthly subscription.

    The name of the farm? “Kumquat May.”

    ——————-

    This year, the “prank” part was too wonky and to be honest, after a grueling Saturday beatdown, a little recovery was needed. YHC still got in his jokes about switching over to CrossFit and trying to recruit F3 PAX to the good side of the force. However, instead of additional pranks, YHC set out to create a unique beatdown experience. A few fellers were asked for two true statements and one ‘not so true’ statement about themselves. The PAX could then guess which was which. One’s guess about what was fact or quasi fiction would dictate the type of exercise completed.

    However, before those shenanigans, YHC had other good stuff up his singlet. In the vein of CrossFit, YHC has always wanted to include a truck tire or heavy object rope pull. Wet Tap, who may or may not have been joking, suggested the Prius on GroupMe the night before. That’s all it took.

    “Duke, stop chewing on your ass.”

    ———————

    10 PAX and one FNG pulled up to the Stage on a comfortable 70 degree mernin’. The FNG, who was recruited by Popeye, was a good ‘ol Texas boy from his hometown of Austin. In his FNG naming, we would find out that he had once been pepper sprayed by the cops outside of the Cotton Bowl, WHILE on horseback because he was mother f-ing Justin Timberlake about being a shitty mouseketeer.

    His eventual name selection of Face Nutz was based on a story not appropriate for this backblast, but suffice it to say, Nutz has a special place in Toby Keith’s heart…rest in peace.

    Anyway, YHC had gotten to the Stage about 45 minutes early to test out how the Prius would respond to being pushed in neutral. Even solo, YHC was able to get some traction for about 10 yards. There was a Plan B, but this thang was just crazy enough to work.

    After a wonky Warmarama, in which the PAX did side straddle hops…that’s it. We only did side straddle hops. 410 side straddle hops…you get it…4/1. A few pranks had to be thrown in there, after all.

    Ok, so after that, we did the first ever F3 Prius indigenous peoples push.

    ———————

    The Thang:

    PAX in two teams

    – One team pushing the Prius – one PAX in the driver seat, the other teammates pushing.

    – Second team drops off and completes 10 triple merkin burpees (burpee with three merkins at bottom before jumping up).

    – Second team then runs to relieve the Prius team

    – Continue in that way around Rich Man’s Loop (approx. ½ mile)

    ——————–

    A few observations:

    It is possible that the Live Oak HOA will finally come together and ban F3. There was no shortage of neighbors peering out their windows. Pushing a car is one thing. White Meat yelling at anyone who would listen that it gets “85 miles to the freakin’ gallon” is something entirely different. However, YHC does appreciate the solidarity. Good lookin’ out, Bro.

    Paradox could not count the triple merkins at the bottom of the burpee. This is especially interesting since he perfected the triple merkin in order to cheat during Jurptober. His entire team’s points should have been thrown out.

    Wet Tap and Smooth could have simply carried the Prius around RML by themselves. Seriously, I’m not sure they broke a sweat. Smooth simply said, “ain’t this cute.”

    YHC still can’t believe how well this worked. Pushing the Prius, even with 4 to 5 people, got REAL hard, REAL quick. Steering without power was also a great arm workout. Except for the almost collision with the port-o-potty…because Face Nutz can’t drive (or maybe he couldn’t see because you know…the nutz…in the face), the PAX successfully pushed the Prius around RML and headed back to the Stage.

    ———————-

    Upon return to the Stage, the PAX completed

    – 41 burpees
    – 41 leg lifts
    – 41 J-Lo’s
    – 41 jump squats
    – 41 thrusters.

    It was during the jump squats that we heard the familiar retching of an FNG. We all looked over to see Face Nutz bent over and yakking his nutz off. However, he hadn’t moved his coupon before doing so and thus coated it with a creamy yellow bile…a color and consistency only found in Safety Valve’s Kenyan cool brew froth.

    Once the PAX finished up and the exercise circle moved upwind from Nutz’ vomit, facts were revealed. As mentioned, PAX would choose what they believed to be true versus a lie. Their choice dictated the exercises to come.

    Fact or (Quasi) Fiction

    *The first set of “facts” came from Paradox.

    1) At a birthday in middle school, a donkey kicked out his front teeth. For the next several years, through undergrad, his nickname was “Donkey Teef.”

    2) As the center for the Homer High School football team, he once sharted during a game and the quarterback, at first under center, took every subsequent snap in shotgun formation even though the head coach was threatening to bench him.

    3) He graduated from medical school

    I’ll let you, dear reader decide which of the three is false (and yes…almost everyone chose #3).

    —————————

    In the interest of time, YHC will only include the others’ most obscure, but true fact that blew the PAX’ collective mind.

    *Wet Tap “Fact”

    One of Wet Tap’s favorite songs is, “Everybody Hurts” by R.E.M. He said he loves singing this under his breath every time he gives epidurals to women in labor. One time, as he was preparing to administer the epidural, the woman heard him and burst out singing the song at the top of her lungs. Together, they sang so enthusiastically, that she prematurely went into labor and ended up having a natural birth.

    Moral of the story? Don’t ever let Wet Tap sing to your wives, boys.

    ————————-

    *Popeye “Fact”

    Popeye loves soup. His favorite soup, we found out this morning, is Cream of Asparagus. He said he literally buys the 24-can case from Costco every few weeks. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as Cream of Asparagus. What’s more, is that he likes to chill it in the fridge overnight and then sip on it like a vichyssoise on a hot summer afternoon.

    I tell you what…Popeye sure does keep you on your toes.

    ———————-

    *America’s Best “Fact”

    One time, while still living in Virginia, AB went to a fundraiser in Washington D.C. While there, he got – in his own words – tore up from the floor up, and went to the men’s room to relieve himself. While at the urinal, Peyton Manning came in and started using the next urinal over. AB was so excited that he turned to him and said, “What’s up?”

    Unfortunately, AB hadn’t finished relieving himself and pissed all over Manning’s shoes. Apparently Manning looked down in disbelief, then looked back up to AB. In his drunken stupor, AB simply paused, zipped up, and yelled, “Omaha, Omaha!” and ran out of the bathroom.

    ———————

    *Goose “Fact”

    In high school, Goose joined a choreographed choir group that toured around and performed show tunes. He joined because he had a crush on a girl who was in the troupe. However, after about six months, the girl quit the group, but Goose, by this point, loved every bit of it.

    In fact, he was apparently, really good. He started branching out with other groups. Due to his height as well as athletic coordination, he was offered a full ride scholarship to the Academie d’ Chaussettes Sales in Paris…wait for it…Kentucky. Paris, Kentucky.

    However, as we all know, at that point, he had turned it down to follow God’s call to join the seminary.

    ———————-

    After all songs were played and penalty exercises were completed, YHC had one more treat in store for the PAX! In fact, YHC had been working on this thang for months. The logistics to carry it out were a bit over the top and may or may not have impacted YHC’s marriage.

    Looking back over the morning, however, it may have been YHC’s finest hour.

    COT and Pope prayed us out.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux

  • Our Consolation Is Abundant – from Yankee Joe

    First and foremost, welcome to @ZZ Leggs and @Elton. The joy of watching Goose and Reluctant Yankee (DRing from NOLA) go Beautiful Mind on us during FNG naming was a gift in itself. Both names are classic. Elton may be YHC’s favorite since the naming of Honeysuckle.

    YHC has several grumpy old man pet peeves. One of them is the abundant and obnoxious misuse of the word, “awesome.” That said, YHC should admit he uses the work WAY too much himself. It’s harder to stop saying it than, for example, crossing through the eye of a needle…or perhaps catching the eye of a German optometrist.

    To be awesome invokes the fullness of awe. Awe is typically invoked by events such as universe creation, miracles, defeating death, etc. So, when I hear certain PAX who are in their early 20’s and hail from LaRose say, “Bruhhh, those hot wings were AWESOME,” it makes one stop and ponder life in some confusion (and maybe sadness).

    Recently, YHC just reached his two-year Manniversary with F3. As many can relate, the F3 experience has been nothing short of a miracle. Sound melodramatic? Well, you be the judge. When YHC moved his family to Thibodaux, he had a few good acquaintances and some old “friends” from previous life chapters. His physical health was right in line with an early 40’s bro who often thought about the glory days. From time to time, he would run for a week or two after seeing a picture in which he saw the gut sticking out. YHC had no faith practice to speak of. Prayers happened when the S#&@ was hitting the fan or he was getting his teeth kicked in by life, in general.

    Blessed as he was to have a beautiful and growing family, along with a solid-ish career track, there was always something missing. “Something missing” is a dangerous place for a man to hang out…in between his ears…looking at deceivingly greener pastures elsewhere.

    So…with F3 came:

    1) meaningful friendships;

    2) the best physical/emotional shape in his life…since 1997;

    3) an awakening toward a faith life, leading ultimately to a full conversion to Catholicism;

    4) everything rich fruit that bountifully follows as a result of the previous three points.

    Still sound melodramatic? Deal with it, Pop.

    Coming up on his first year since confirmation in the Catholic Church, YHC is certainly not on the ballot for any ‘rookie of the year’ awards. That said, his faith has deepened in ways he never knew possible. Having never walked the Stations of the Cross before, it is these types of faith engagement of which YHC is just starting to now scratch the surface. And dang, bro…it’s some powerful stuff.

    After some thought and clumsy prayer, YHC settled on a ‘Stations of the Cross’ beatdown for Holy Saturday. The night before, YHC had a vision for how this could play out: 14 cones (or cawhns in North Louisiana). At 11 pm that night, the cones were no longer dramatic enough. YHC needed more.

    12 cinders and 12 cedar fence boards later, seven (7) crosses were hastily built. The PAX would go seven stations out (20 yards in between) and seven stations back. We would treat it as closely as time would permit to actually walking the Stations.

    However, in our version, we would lunge-walk with coupons in between stations (aka…walking genuflections) to symbolize bearing our own crosses. For each station, YHC read the leader’s prayer, the PAX responded, selected scripture was read aloud, followed by three (for the Triduum) exercises for the station. The third exercise was designed to consistently be six (6) man makers. Why? God made man on the sixth day.

    We would not have time to complete all exercises for all stations, but the PAX arrived at the 14th Station with two minutes to spare, picked up their coupons and sprinted back to the flag. The lunge-walks were brutal, the man makers were nauseating, and the side by side partner squats were disturbing…but not as awkward as the Suzanne Somers goblet squats.

    YHC will refrain from further narration. It’s not about him or the PAX…or the external validation derived from a quality backblast. On Saturday, seventeen men and soon to be men entered into Christ’s Passion.

    It was actually…

    Awesome.

    ————————————–

    Stations

    I. Jesus Is Condemned to Death
    20 Prisoner squats
    20 Nolan Ryans – both sides
    6 man makers

    II. Jesus Carries His Cross
    20 Goblet squats
    20 WWI sit-ups (no block)
    6 man makers

    III. Jesus Falls the First Time
    20 Burpees
    20 Mountain climbers (2:1)
    6 man makers

    IV. Jesus Meets His Mother
    20 flutter kicks w block
    20 WW2 Sit-ups with block/ or modify without
    6 man makers

    V. Jesus Is Helped by Simon of Cyrene
    20 partner air squats (side by side)
    20 Alternating partner shoulder tap merkins
    6 man makers

    VI. Jesus Is Comforted by Veronica, Who Wipes His Face
    20 apolo ohno’s (1:1)
    20 chilcutt jacks
    6 man makers

    VII. Jesus Falls Again Beneath the Weight of the Cross
    20 burpees, hand release merkins at bottom
    20 LBCs w/ block
    6 man makers

    VIII. Jesus Comforts the Women of Jerusalem
    20 Suzanne Somers (squats, toes pointed out)
    20 J-Lo’s (2:1)
    6 man makers

    IX. Jesus Falls for 3rd Time
    20 Bonnie Blair’s (2:1)
    6 man makers

    X. Jesus Stripped of His Clothes
    20 Thrusters
    6 man makers

    XI. Jesus Nailed to the Cross
    20 Star jumps
    6 man makers

    XII. Jesus Dies, Commending Himself to the Father
    20 genuflections
    20 V-ups
    6 man makers

    XIII. Jesus is Taken Down from the Cross and Placed in the Arms of Mary
    20 WW3 sit ups w/ block or modify to WW2 sit ups
    20 Leg lifts holding block straight up
    6 man makers

    XIV. Jesus is Placed in the Tomb of Joseph of Arimathea

    Coupon run back to flag
    6 man makers

  • Still of Steel – from Honeysuckle

    PAX: Enron, Captain D’s, Piccadilly, Safety Valve, America’s Best, Cardinal, Yankee Joe, Wet Tap, Lil Cuz, Popeye, Maneater, Pope, Coyote, Duke, Jackknife, Swedish Fish

    On a particularly gloomy morning in the gloom, the PAX assembled in anticipation of what was in store. Noting the tendency to congregate in the more paved area of the usual gathering place, YHC made a few gracious adjustments to today’s locations, but only a few. The posting of Captain D’s was a welcome sight, as was that of an FNG.

    YHC had been a little nervous for a V Saturday Q, trying to live up to the standard that the usuals provide. What if YHC inadvertently changed something? What if it only lasted 45 minutes? That would be a big change, even when put up against all the other changes since Goose has been out. Sure, Yankee Joe allowing some M’s to join last week, and Dox charging a $2 per workout per PAX on Thursday for “administrative overhead”, and Safety Valve having an indoor beatdown on Monday due to slightly imperfect conditions, and Enron forgetting to do a COT, and Coyote secretly being an elite hired coach weren’t that big of a deal, but as AB knows, being told “nice job fitting an hour into 45 minutes” is not a compliment. So YHC planned for a little extra.

    The PAX begrudgingly circled up and a typical warmarama was performed. Until the end, that is, when YHC introduced the Equalizer, which was taken from a recent downrange experience. 12 SSH’s, 12 SSH’s with arms steady, and 12 hops, followed by 11 of each, 10 of each, and so on until we reached 1-1-1. The PAX picked this up quite well. Yankee Joe seemed to be requesting a Jewish version, which we didn’t do today but one option for another day would be to start with 9’s, one per Menorah candle.

    Then we did a “standard” Indian run to the tennis courts, a nice paved surface that the PAX would have the opportunity to closely examine for cracks and debate where the expansion joints should have been put. The theme today would be in contrast to the running, rucking, and motion in general that was February. The flagship exercises of each Thang would be static holds, ideally motionless, all done in a Dora format.

    Thang 1

    The hold would be a mission impossible plank, while the partner ran to the chimney and did 2 merkins and 2 squats. Then run back and switch. After the second partner completed 2 merkins and 2 squats, they would move to round 2, where an additional 2 squats and 2 merkins were performed. In general, for round n, 2n squats and 2n merkins were performed. YHC is relieved that these workouts can be described in algebraic form, now that the true intellect of the PAX is beginning to shine through. There was no set goal for this since, hey, it was a Saturday, but in the end we stopped before we got to the square root of 50 rounds.

    Thang 2

    Moseying over to the monkey bars, the same general format would be used for Thang 2. Partner 1 would perform a dead hang while Partner 2 performed 1 burpee in round 1. In general, n burpees performed in round n. YHC has recently taken Q explaining lessons from AB, and he assured me that if the PAX don’t understand something, it’s not the Q’s fault because it was perfectly explained. Unequivocally. So, YHC is not at fault for most of the PAX not getting that when the hanging partner has to quit before the burpees are done, then the team is out and does Al Gores. Eventually the word did get around though. This eventually left one team hanging, Captain D’s and YHC. Now, YHC is not sure if Captain D’s has been secretly practicing this every day for the past week or two like YHC has, but he put up quite an impressive effort.

    Thang 3

    That brings us to the third event of the day. The PAX took a short mosey to the other side of the playground equipment apparatus, which was the parking lot of the Rec department. YHC produced a list of exercises, including WWI sit ups, Apollo OhNos, Reverse crunch, Crab Dip, LBC’s. 150 of each. Originally this was to be done in a 3-man format in the large field, but due to the conditions YHC kept it to 2-man in this smaller (paved) area, revealing a few flaws in the translation but the PAX is nothing if not resilient. In this case, the hold was alternating between a wall chair or balls to the wall, with the wall being the rec center. YHC called a few early exercise changes so that we would get to more things, and several PAX excelled at Crab Dips and were excited about other ways to apply their newfound skills.

    Then the PAX moseyed back to the flag. The inVESTment was bestowed from Pope to Enron due to his golden gloves, which were not CoolJobs but Midas brand as they turned his hands gold as well. Maneater prayed us out, and AB got his phohwn to take the photo.

    Thank you to the PAX for showing up. And giving it your all every time. It really was an honor and a privilege to get to lead you today. If anyone gets called about having to clean the side of the Rec building, let me know and I’ll take care of it.

    Prologue: As the theme for this beatdown came together, several events and thoughts came into focus through that lens. The contrast between one partner apparently “doing nothing” (holds) and the other being very busy (burpees, merkins) reminded me of my own judging of and comparing with others. Both jobs were hard today, but when I am a mover I think moving is harder and being still is easy. And vice versa. Which reminds me of something a Methodist minister told my wife and me before we got married. A story of a husband and wife doing laundry, and the husband says, “You know, sometimes I feel like I am the one doing everything around here.” And the wife says, “You know, sometimes I feel like I am the one doing everything around here.” I think about that story almost daily, and try to remember two things. First, there is just a lot of **** to do around here. And second is that egocentric view that what we are doing is harder, better, etc. and what they are doing is easy. And then Thursday, when Paradox said, “Man, Goose makes planting that flag look easy” and AB said, “Paradox makes taking the picture look easy” were two nice examples of appreciating that those “easy” things others do may not be so easy.

    SYITG,
    Honeysuckle

  • Disaster on Grass about the Miracle on Ice, by Coyote – from Goose

                Thankfully, no mosquitoes tormented the Pax & YHC as we started the beatdown with the normal warmups. But what wasn’t normal was when YHC called “A skips.” No one but Pope and YHC could get the skip part down, so at what we thought was number thirteen, YHC had to call an untuned Halt and we switched to high knees & butt kicks.
    YHC explained that YHC doesn’t go to weekday beatdowns, so February 24, 2024, was going to be about February 22, 1980, the Miracle on Ice.
    A quick mosey to the field by bayou road, YHC explained that the US hockey team, a group of nobody college students at the time, beat the best team in the world, the unstoppable Soviet Union, 4-3. YHC asked a few questions about the event, and the Pax answered both correctly, the prize being four burpees. YHC then said how the US’s coach, Herb Brooks, said, “I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to be your coach.” He said he would work his team HARD. So YHC said he would work the Pax HARD. We started simple, three suicide runs across the field. Then we got into it.
    First, Vladimir Krutov scored, so we spelled Krutov in alphabet form, spelling the words with our legs down on our six. What came after was to come in between every single goal: we ran another suicide run and did three burpees. YHC said that if the US scored, we would do four burpees, and if the Soviets scored, we would do three. We continued to do this, spelling the last names of Buzz Schneider, Sergei Makarov, Mark Johnson, Aleksander Maltsev, Mark Johnson again, and Mike Eruzione. (Doing twenty one-is-one Goofballs for the soviet coach’s dumb switch from the best goalie in the world to his backup in between Mark Johnson’s first goal and Aleksander Maltsev.)
    After Mike Eruzione’s famous goal, we did twenty one-is-one genuflections for the famous picture of the failed block. We played the last minute of the event, doing mission impossible plank because of how impossible it was. Then we did the normal exercises to thunderstruck because of how thunderstruck the soviets were. The song cut short twice, so we just played the hillbilly version. We played a song called Victory because of the US’s victory. During the entire song, we held Al Gore, doing various leg exercises on YHC’s call. We straggled back to the flag, beaten down hard. The number of Pax was second place overall for most PAX at a beatdown, twenty strong. Animal went to Cardinal for his amazing, attention-getting shoes. That capped off the Disaster on Grass about the Miracle on Ice.

  • The Ohrwurm, Part 1 – from Yankee Joe

    PAX: Smooth Operator, Maneater, JackKnife, Paradox, Enron, Honeysuckle, America’s Best, Safety Valve, Popeye, Ponzi, French Horn, Paradiddle, Yankee Jeaux

    ———————————
    How It Started

    Coming off of “It’s Only Just Maybe Somewhat Close to Nearly a Mile (allegedly)” this past Saturday (again, huge T-claps to Paradox!), YHC’s knees…well all the body parts, were on the struggle bus. It’s been a rough road lately, and YHC has missed more beatdowns in the past two months than ever before. It started to feel like I was drifting away from F3. History has shown that far greater pickleballers than I have gone down that dark path, never to return.

    You have to fight everyday to keep the fartshackles off.

    As such, YHC reluctantly limped out to the IOJMSCTNM event. As expected, the event destroyed my body. Unexpectedly, it reinvigorated my spirit and commitment to the PAX.

    It’s a paradox…well, no…actually, it’s ironic…unless of course, you weren’t expecting the contradiction in the first place, in which case, you’re a stupid smart oxymoron. Of course, if all you needed was a knife or it rained on your wedding day, then it’s NOT ironic…it just sucks to be you.

    The reality is that these struggles exist Around The World, but if you Never Say Never, remembering to always Give It Up (to God), you’ll be in high Cotton able to keep your PopEye on Jeaux.

    How is YHC so wise? Because, like Bieber, Jeaux IS the forever Q of your Kenna Brah hawt. Yo Ronnie!

    Soooo, for the first time in nearly a year, YHC will post 4 of 4 beatdowns this week, and I gotta tell you…it feels good, like honeysucklin’ good, like blast your French Horn from the top of the Ponzi pyramid good, like Valve Diddlin’ good.

    ————————————

    We got a good recovery Goosing on Monday, resting the legs, and lighting up the man boobs. Tuesday’s Dox/Ronnie DJ Deck of Death was just what the “Doctor” had ordered – recovery strength work accompanied by “good music.”

    For Thursday’s beatdown, YHC, still wary of his pulsating ITBS, looked to carry on the recovery, slowly re-introducing some running, but bringing in some more full body cardio. To do this, we needed inspiration in the form of catchy songs that would stick with you for daysssss, thus annoying all of your colleagues and family members alike.

    As America’s Best noted, this phenomenon is oft referred to as an “earworm.” Even more appropriate coming from AB is that the term was originally dubbed by German scientists (ohrwurm) to describe a few bars of music that get stuck in your brain. For those PAX who believe they are of German heritage, this might be of interest. Maybe you sent me pictures of your German genealogy certificates, maybe they were made at FedEx Kinkos. We’ll never know.

    —————————————–

    YHC rolled in slowly and deliberately at 5:13am, windows rolled down, Sirius (not the streaming radio service) blasting like it was Chicago, 1996. My inspiration for the dramatic entrance was of course drawn from various Paradox Q’s. I was excited to get his approval…unfortunately, he was late and didn’t see it. I can count on two fingers how many of his Q’s I’ve missed…and I’ve never once been late. Hey…friendships are just viewed differently in North Louisiana.

    As we got started, YHC was pumped to see Ponzi repping the ANIMAL, along with the Anthony Davis undershirt. Also, having the Maneater/Jackknife combo back in the mix only added much needed energy to the PAX.

    But as exciting as that all was, during warmarama, YHC still kept looking to his left. Assuming that my last eye check-up with AB had been grossly mishandled, I kept squinting in the gloom at a familiar figure. It couldn’t be. My brain could not reconcile the eyeworm residual of French Horn. Could it really be him? Sho’ nuff, as we later began our first run, I heard it. I heard the old but comforting greeting, “Bruhhhhhh.” It could be. It was. Horn had finally come home.

    ————————————
    How It Went

    Warm-up (5:15 – 5:25)

    Side straddle hops
    Windmills 15 ct
    Arm circles forward 15 ct
    Arm circles backward 15 ct
    Lafayette night clubs 15 ct
    Self love 15 ct
    High knees 15 ct
    Butt Kicks 15 ct
    Mountain climbers 14ct

    The morning would consist of four songs with trigger word exercises. Before each song, the PAX would run to the far side of the civic center, do 50 reps of a certain exercise, then complete the lap and do 50 more reps in front of the civic center. Each round would consist of different run exercises. (in total approx. 1.2 miles)

    There were too many earworm song candidates to choose from, so YHC settled on four showcase songs and a handful of running songs all carefully curated to worm their way into the PAX’s collective conscience. The trick was to have music at homebase in front of the civic center as well as on the run. YHC couldn’t (or wouldn’t) carry BAPS all over creation, so he connected BAPS to Bose (pr. Bozay) for a hopefully seamless transition of music between base and laps around the civic center.

    —————————————-

    The Earworm Pt. 1 (5:25 – 5:33)

    – lap around civic center, stopping two times at exercise stations
    – Exercise: chilcutt jacks, x50 each stop
    – Song: Never Say Never by Justin Bieber (requested by Paradox)
    == Alternating shoulder taps throughout
    == Merkin on “never” or “forever” or “pick it up”

    *This was meant to be funny. It wasn’t. The assault on our ears and pecks was nasty. I think the PAX was confused and felt generally awkward. Paradox was in his element.

    ———————————————

    The Earworm Pt 2 (5:33 – 5:42)

    – lap around civic center, stopping two times at exercise stations
    – Exercise: Flutters 4:1, x50 each stop
    – Song: Around The World by Daft Punk (requested in September by French Horn)
    == Jogging in place
    == Full body Drop downs to chest (similar to flying squirrels) on every Around The World.

    *If you’re not familiar, the only words in this song ARE ‘Around The World’. Safety Valve and Paradiddle literally looked bored, as if waiting for a real challenge. Meanwhile, YHC just started falling down, would get back up to his knees, then flop down again like a beached cod. This is the day the chatter died, and we weren’t singing S%#&.

    ——————————————-

    The Earworm Pt 3 (5:42 – 5:50)

    – lap around civic center, stopping two times at exercise stations
    – Exercise: J-Lo’s, x50 each stop
    – Song: Cotton Eye Joe by Rednex (requested by America’s Best)
    == Man singing – bonnie blair’s
    == Banjo/Fiddle – hillbilly squats; leg thrust out to the side, thumbs in belt
    == Women singing – burpees

    *The Bonnie’s, following the song prior, were nearly impossible. There was confusion as to whether it was a woman singing or if Bieber is a lot older than we thought. Across the gloom, I could see a distinct and calculating smirk on Smooth’s face. A face that meant one thing…we’d see this in a Q coming soon to an AO near you.

    **In the misery, AB somehow found a way to correct YHC that the “banjo” solos were in fact fiddle solos. For crying out loud, what do you want from me? I’m a non-tenured instructor at a quasi bankrupt regional state university. Thibodaux is lucky I bother to put on pants each morning.

    ——————————————–

    The Earworm Pt 4 (5:50 – 5:57)

    – lap around civic center, stopping two times at exercise stations
    – Exercise: LBC’s, x50 each stop
    – Song: Baby Give it Up by KC and The Sunshine Band, Ivan Jack remix (requested over and over again by Honeysuckle)
    == imperial squat walker
    == Squat jump on “baby give it up”

    *The crown jewel of YHC’s collection. The Ivan Jack remix is solid platinum bronzed pewter. The imperial squat walkers started to burn early on. The jump squats were hard to do with any semblance of rhythm, and the song just kept going and going and going. We just kept giving it up to the point we expected payment for our services.

    ————————————————

    We finished with two minutes of all AMRAP LBC’s to the gangnam stylings of PSY.

    COT, ANIMAL bestowed on Popeye. He “gets” Ponzi. Apparently some Southern Louisiana PAX view friendships in a more wholesome light. The VESTments were inVESTed in the muse of the Earworm beatdown, the Best of the Best. ‘Merica.

    Prayer intentions, including traveling PAX, Enron’s M, and Goose (and M) leading a marriage retreat in Wisconsin.

    Enron prayed us out.

    In the words of F3 Bieber, Never Say Never.

    Yankee Eye Jeaux

  • A Brick Called Dora – from Yankee Joe

    YHC was looking for something unique, challenging, and engaging for the Peltch. As I labored over various ideas throughout the week, very important questions came to mind.

    Questions like, “Have you ever been further endeared to a friend because of his farts of sweet, tangy musk?”

    Or others like, “If you made a priest miserable and then had him carry you 25 yards on his back, would you have to do penance?”

    Or perhaps, “Is denim water repellant and insulated?”

    Or, the one that was nagging me most, “Have you ever felt, I mean truly felt and really appreciated the firmness of another man’s butt cheeks?”

    These questions would challenge even the greatest of men, but they say geniuses choose green. But when buying our minivan, YHC didn’t choose green. On top of it all, there was the prospect of four FNG’s!

    That said, out of the darkness of beatdown designer’s block, came the answer:

    It would need to be crafty, annoying, and manipulative. It would need to be painful, repetitive, and unnecessary. It would need to pull hamstrings and push out farts. There was only one person in the whole of the Exicon that could answer the call.

    Dora.

    Also, did you know Dora loves bricks. She’s mighty mighty, lettin’ it all hang out.

    ———————————-

    How It Started

    As it turns out, only one FNG made it out, which is still a reason to celebrate. A spritely young man, formerly called Richard, showed up in jeans, a la O’Shem. He would go on to smile his way through the insanity, running (or rather lunging) circles around the rest of us. His naming – and it’s a darn tootin’ good name – will be discussed later.

    Also, we had the triumphant return of Hand Grenade. With him, HG brought back the ANIMAL shirt. And there was much rejoicing…yayy…

    Following the woefully incomplete and liability ridden disclaimer by YHC (thanks Cardinal for reminding me that this was a thing), we jumped into warmarama at the locals bar: SSH, windmills, arm circles, mountain climbers, self love, high knees, butt kicks, Willy Mays Hayes.

    During this time, I was concerned that with the absence of Paradox and Enron, the lack of snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter would have a harmful impact on the beatdown. YHC needed not worry his perfectly shaped bald little head. America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz stepped into the void with a deluge of… well…snarky, disruptive, and highly distracting chatter. It was insubordinate and churlish. YHC don’t play, lukwalicuh?

    ——————————

    As a warm-up and prelude to the madness that would follow, we performed exercises with the Dora the Explorer theme song. As some may not be aware, a proper Dora typically moves in rounds of three, covering the upper body, moving down to the core, and finishing with the lower body (i.e. merkins, gas pumpers, and jump squats).

    So, we listened to the theme song, doing shoulder taps, and performing merkins on every “Dora.” Coyote sang along, perhaps even hitting some harmony. Or maybe it was Jackknife.

    Then we listened to the theme song again, this time doing flutter kicks with a gas pumper on every “Dora” (or maybe it was a reverse crunch…you’ll have to talk to Enron).

    Then we listened to the theme song AGAIN, holding Al Gore and jump squating on “Dora.” By this time, whichever 2.0 was singing along had stopped, unamused by the three minutes of their life he would never get back.

    Adequately warmed up, we partnered up (Cardinal chose YHC. He chose poorly.), one set of bricks per pair, and moseyed to the main field.

    ——————————–

    How It Went – DORA 1 2 3 with Bricks

    Fresh off the 9,000-merkin morning from Enron the Thursday prior, pecs were still hungover. As such, nothing like a little hair of the dog to get you right. The Dora 1 2 3 went as follows:

    100 Shoulder tap merkins

    – P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, pumping opposite arm (think Mario lunging) WITH bricks; nur back
    – P2 – Shoulder tap merkins
    – Flapjack
    —-

    200 V-ups

    – P1 lunge 25 yards to cone, each lunge, completing butterflies (both arms) WITH bricks; nur back
    – P2 – V-ups
    – Flapjack
    —-

    300 Jump Squats

    – P1 lunge 25 yards to cone; each lunge shoulder pressing (both arms) WITH bricks, nur back
    – P2 – Jump squats
    – Flapjack
    —

    YHC grossly underestimated the time it would take to complete the thang, pondering the possibility of cutting it short. The lunges sucked so much that YHC was desperate to get back to the actual exercises. YHC writes this blast, both legs are in full spasm.

    However, somewhere in the midst of the jump squats, I looked at the PAX grinding, then YHC almost yakked.

    America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz, through their shenanigans were tearing the circuit up and were the first pair to finish. YHC also noted our FNG on the far flank, keeping up with El Papa. In between YHC’s dry heaves, I thought about the circle of life, watching a 55-year old grind out reps with a man 40 years his younger. Awesome F3 moment.

    With substantial completion by the PAX, YHC finally called for recovery. With time not on my side, YHC chose to forgo the workout to Brick House by the Commodores (stolen from an Enron beatdown last year) and move into the next, albeit truncated thang.

    —————————–

    Lazy Doras

    The Lazy Dora typically includes the same 1, 2, 3 format, but instead of one partner transporting as the timer, he stays and does another exercise (i.e. chilcutt peter parkers). Partner 1 becomes the timer, completing reps. For 100, 10 reps, flapjack; for 200, 20 reps, flapjack, and so on. Alas, we only had time for the first round.

    YHC added in a ‘buy-in’, in which partners took turns giving a piggyback 25 yards and back to start. Then,
    – P1 – Bonnie Blair’s WITH bricks (2:1) x10 reps
    – P2 – Chilcutt peter parkers until P1 completed the 10 reps
    – Flapjack

    ————————————

    Bridge of Hate

    Having cut the Lazy Dora short by two rounds, YHC asked the PAX for two things. To do as he said and not to ask any questions. And yes, America’s Best and Lil’ Cuz BOTH proceeded to ask their own questions. It’s really something.

    The bridge of hate is the inverted tunnel of love. The pax forms a line by laying on their back shoulder to shoulder. One pax will then be lifted and passed down the line of the pax that are laying on the ground. When the pax that was being passed down the line gets to the front he lays next to the last man and the man at the rear of the line then gets passed down, so forth and so on.

    This proved to be perhaps the hardest and most hilarious F3 experience for YHC to date. Personally, I couldn’t stop laughing, continually being a weak link in the PAX chain as men were passed down the line.

    Popeye started us off and with no reference for best practices, kinda just rolled (literally) through the struggling hands trying to keep him in the air. It was also a bold move exposing his front side only weeks after his hernia procedure. True to form, Pop just smirked as he watched us mere mortals struggle.

    After that, men got the hang of it – lie on the back, stiff as a board. It was here that one could really appreciate the firmness of butt cheeks that only ultra marathon training can provide. Pope was just a joy as noted by Pop and Maneater. We finished the line with the 2.0’s, which was equally amusing.

    ————————————–

    Moseyed back to the flag. FNG naming. ‘Ol Denim ‘Dick’ Naquin became [Mom Jeans] per the workout attire mentioned earlier. A firecracker of positivity and badassery, we hope to see a lot more of the Canadian tuxedo.

    Interesting and fun fact…Mom Jeans is a cousin of Prius. This is worth noting because several PAX are currently re-EH’ing Prius to join us. Looking forward to having both cousins next week.

    COT and Maneater prayed us out. We finished the morning with a Coffeteria.

    Thank you, Men, for grinding out with me. To lean into ‘the suck’, then find yourself laughing till your jaw muscles hurt is a real gift that cannot be manufactured in many other settings. All of that followed by sharing a warm cup on a cold morning makes this whole ridiculous thing worthwhile. If that ain’t a God thang, I don’t know what is.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Jeaux