F3 New Orleans

Tag: Paradox

  • BurpJack Horseman – from America’s Best

    YHC had a Jones. A Basketball Jones.
    But today, I would not need someone to set a pick for me at the free-throw line of life, nor someone I can pass to. No, I would not even need someone to hit the open man on the give-and-go (and not end up in the popcorn machine).
    Because today we would not really play basketball…
    Bur first… let’s go look at the new giant flagpole. And then race back. First 3 back get the first three guesses at song lyrics. Goose, Pope and Honeysuckle won Gold, Silver, and Bronze, and thus would get to try and identify a song by the lyrics. If Goose identified it on the first stanza, we would just take a lap around the CC, if Pope guessed after hearing the 2nd stanza, we would hold Al Gore and Jump Squat on each song title; if Honeysuckle got it after hearing the final stanza, we would hold plank and merkin each song title. However, since nobody identified it, we ran in place and did a Burpee every time we heard “Mmm-Bop.” And sometimes when we heard “doo-wop” or “shebop” or whatever.

    Then on past the playground to the highest court in the land. . .
    It occurred to YHC that as many times as the PAX graced the Den’s basketball arena, we had yet to play HORSE. It didn’t occur to YHC until mid-beatdown that we likely only had the time (and skill) to play PIG.
    And the rules would be: SSH while waiting for your shot. Add one burpee on a miss (upon review of my original rules, this was to be 5 merkins). After Pope filled-up (is that the opposite of “drained”?) several 3’s, it was augmented to 3-burpees if you missed a 3-pointer. Then sprint to opposite baseline and back after your shot.
    Once you were out, you stood on the sideline and did a burpee with each shot taken by anyone.
    And the action ensued! … evoking zero inspiration and even less respect.
    But we finished our pig.
    And like a porcine character from our childhood, it was some PIG.
    “Some” being vague enough that you can take it to mean “glorious” if you are optimistic, or “interesting” if you are realistic. At least It was dark.
    There were just about 10 minutes left, so YHC called an audio-daily-double audible. The only music trivia that was in my brain at the time is something I heard long ago… that a certain song was originally “You died in Vietnam” (the actual story is much longer and convoluted… see me later for a dissertation).
    Same format as the first thang, but instead of a sprint, first 3 of the PAX to hit a free-throw would guess. Getting 3/8 to hit a free-throw should be easy…
    Several minutes later we had our men. Honeysuckle, Paradox, and Popeye. None guessed correctly (although Dox’s guess of Fortunate Son wins the best educated guess), so we ran back to the flag, stopping for burpees for every “Born in the USA.”
    Back in just enough time for 1 minute of Mary, the honors were given to Goose with the disclaimer “NO DR W’s.” One minute of wife pleasers seemed just about right.
    COT
    Animal went to Pope for his prized PIG performance. 10-Year Convergence this Saturday in NOLA.
    Lil Cuz prayed us out.

  • Turn it up to 13 (by Coyote) – from Goose

      YHC hopped out of the truck on this dark and refreshingly chilly morning, the Q adrenalin pumping through my body as YHC got ready to unleash the teenage beatdown. “No more fun and games,” YHC thought. “I’m going to give them a real beatdown.” The morning started well, YHC noticing that the number of men present was the biggest that YHC had ever seen at a Coyote beatdown. Suddenly, YHC saw a large white truck roll into the rocky parking lot, and a man I had never seen at a beatdown hop out. “Dumpster Fire?!” YHC guessed. No, an FNG had come to join us! 6:30 came, and suddenly, both 
Paradox and Goose revealed the game balls, Paradox wearing the Fire Within, and Goose with the Blue-tube. We started with the classic Side-straddle-hops, Safety Valve driving in right as we stopped. The warmups ended shortly after, and YHC introduced what we were going to be doing. “For this beatdown,” YHC started, “I thought I might do everything that I hate, and one of those things is coupons!” The Pax grabbed one for each brave soul, and we moseyed over to the long-forgotten hill by the park. YHC announced, “Another thing that I hate is Dora!” We partnered up, and YHC introduced the exercises, 100 Thrusters, 150 WWIII Sit-ups, and 200 Curls, and the mode of transportation being bear-crawl over the hill, and crawl-bear back. Partners were picked, YHC partnering up with Pope, and Goose started the well-thought-out “F3 Weird Al grinder” playlist.
    The Thang commenced, Pope cranking out WWIII’s like nobody was watching. The music was very attention-getting, and when the eleven-minute song “Albuquerque” came up, all ears went to the crazy song. When the Dora was done, we dragged ourselves and the coupons over to the field by Bayou Road, and YHC presented Thang 2. Since YHC is turning 13 on Tuesday, YHC said that we would do 13’s instead of 11’s, one side starting with one 4-count Nolan Ryan, and the other side 12 Inchworm Merkins, all the while listening to Weird Al crank out his parodies. This turned out be way harder than YHC planned, the Nolan Ryans hard to count, and the Inchworm Merkins almost impossible to complete without a little modification.
    After the 13’s, YHC presented the final Thang. As much as we could, the Pax and I would try to accomplish a “Tunnel of Love” across the entire field. It failed miserably, the 2.0’s all getting launched into the air by Man-Eater. Exhausted, YHC called out for us to go back to the flag. We lugged our coupons back to the flag, and commenced with the count off, numbering an impressive 16. When the time came to name our victim, we were ready for some weird stuff. The name came out to be “Blue,” or “My boy Blue,” coming from the facts that he was in the navy for 24 years, and he felt like he had to go back to college. I owe him an apology, not meaning for this to be his first beatdown. (Hopefully we’ll see him again…) When shirts came up, Paradox gave the Fire within to YHC for an IPC level workout. (Get ready to see it hanging off my shoulders next week.) Next, Goose passed the Blue-tube to White Meat for showing us the proper way to count Nolan Ryans. Man-Eater prayed us out, and we ended with a characteristic Paradox Pic.
    Happy Birthday to all those other birthday boys, Popeye tomorrow, Jackknife, Monday, Wet tap and I Tuesday, and any others not mentioned. Until next time, God bless!
                                                                         Coyote

  • The Louisiana PureChest vol. 2: All Dem Teeth and No Teethbrush – from Paradox

    Late in the pre-Tuesday Tuff evening, YHC sat amongst the leather bound books and rich mahogany (half drank capri suns and diapers) of his study (kids desk) putting the finishing touches on tommorows beatdown. Expecting an intimate crowd with the fall break absences YHC had planned for 45 minutes of SSH while pax watched “Where the Red Fern Grows” on an old substitute teachers roll cart vhs/tv. Standard issue style where the first man to cry would start continuous burpees …buttt not so fast my friends. A timely slack notification alerted YHC that we had a down ranger from St Louis!
    The situation called for more, maybe even a 45 minute crash course in all things Louisiana to show our guest a good time. YhC had already been itching to green light the sequel to 2022s Louisiana PureChest.
    ( See volume 1 below)

    The Louisiana PureChest: Life, Liberty, and the Trivial Pursuit of Alligator Merkins – from Paradox

    So there was only one thing left to do …
    YHC headed for the garage fridge, brushed aside the gentle Lacroix’s, skooched away the chilled Canebrakes and Envies …placed a 7 digit launch code and completed the retinal scanner to unleash the foulest fruited kettle sour ever produced…
    “ Greetings from Grand Isle “

    I took a sip and this is what followed…

    Duke !!
    Grab the bean footage and let the good times roll!

    9 men cut through some of the thickest fog YHC has ever encountered for a Tuesday Tuff with most of the regulars plus a wild Superfund and St Louis down ranger, Lube, who assured us multiple times that he was a dealer of oilfield pipe and pipe accessories and there was no great story involved in his name and he gets no royalties from KY and their jelly.

    After warmups and a short mosey YHC unveiled today’s theme and objectives :

    1.) Double the size of your chest until the locals call you Gregory Pecs behind your back.

    2.) Sharpen the iron of LA related knowledge so you can throw your kids books in the trash and tell them you were raised in the streetz.

    We begin like most great historical pieces , with a sonnet.

    The Poetry of Choppa styles “Louisiana”
    Rocky balboas on the song
    Double Merkin burpee on all Louisianas

    This Preheated the pax collective chest to 375 and Lube was all but ready to take the next flight back to Nelly if the music didn’t improve. The pax assured him it would not.

    We set out into the gloom with HR merkin Indian run drop off and YHC was legit scared we would lose men in dat fog.

    Thang 2

    Back to the Future 49 Corridor

    Format :
    7 cawns with 7 reps at each.
    The cones were set in 3 groups of 2 (the first one is free) that would serve as our Gator pits.
    The only way to freedom is a thorough knowledge of Louisiana lagniappe.

    Correct 7 x 7 reps with mosey

    Incorrect Alligator Merkins Traps times the number wrong.

    YHC was bordering Maui levels of complexity but was confident the pax could pick up this island quickly so we dove in.

    Exercise: Wide Merkins

    1. Other state that does not use counties . 1. Alaska 2. Burroughs 3. name one (there are 21)

    Burroughs were missed and the pax got to taste the pit early.

    Exercise : Bobbie Hurleys

    2.) Name atleast 5 beers from parish brewing company?

    AB did AB things, waiting on the difficulty of the question to increase and when it didn’t he let the Pax hold his proverbial beer.
    YHC is confident that if left alone he would still be standing there naming Parish beers.

    No Gators this round. Just a 10 minute history of Canebrake from AB while Lube commented to Goose “oh you have one of those guys”

    Exercise: Diamond Merkins

    3.) James Bond movie set in La- “Live and let die”
    Who played bond? – Roger Moore
    Name of the villain? Mr Big (Dr Kananga)

    One dose of gators this round and the pax directed anger toward Roger Moores butt chin making unrealistic standards for young men.

    Exercise : Leg Raises
    (Hidden Music Daily Double)

    4.) Finish this line in the classic “Louisiana Saturday Night” : Waiting in the front yard sitting on a log… Single shot rifle , one eyed dog … what artist (Mel McDaniel) …. Play the song for last verse.

    Now it was HoneySuckles turn to put the team on his back as we added yet another layer to his superhero origin story. During his time at Clemson creating government funded hurricane nukes he held tightly to this Mel McDaniel tune to fend off the evils of the Carolinas.
    Not all apiarist wear capes.

    We skipped past the gator traps and did leg raises while White Meat defended the honor of the slain possum as the unsung hero of the bayou. YHC quickly translated this relationship advice to young Pope: find you a gal that looks at you the way white meat looks at a possum eating 3k mosquitoes a night.

    **this next round was skipped but you can follow along at home. Tank me later***
    Apollo Onos (2 is one)

    5.) North La parish named after the first explorer documented to have crossed the Mississippi River. (Desoto) – large body of water in that parish (Toledo bend) —- parish seat -city ? (Mansfield)

    Finisher :

    Carolina Dry docks

    6.) 1989 movie filmed in Natchitoches — name two actresses —- Can you name the fictional parish in Steel Magnolia?

    The pax got the movie Steel Magnolia and actresses (with and without flotation devices) but struggled to produce the fictional Chinquapin parish leading to one last round of dem Medulla OblanGators.

    We packed up to round off our chiseled chesticles with HR merkin Indian run home and a plank out till time .

    By the power invested in me by the LA board of internet doctors I certified all the PAX 100% Chest in Show.

    Announcements

    -Yote Bday BD at the Peltch this Sat. Buckle up, Some still have scars from the Miracle on Ice.
    -Convergence on Oct 26 . Clown car is mobilizing.
    -Thibbaversary and GoosePalooza on Nov 2.
    -Lube and his STL crew are continuing a massive campaign to fight trafficking. More on this through the year.

    Prayers for health, clarity in Gods timing and all supporting those struggling in their family and beyond.

    -Goose prayed us out

    -Lube exposed YHC for taking group selfies for the Instagram clout as this “new technology” has been available for years.

    It’s a joy to lead ya men

    Postscript:

    Merkin History Repeats Itself

    Like any great real estate deal in history the Louisiana Purchase of 1803 was not with out its controversy. Political climates, egos, military advantages, all played a part in this mega deal.

    In a similar fashion the Louisiana PureChest of 2024 was not always a smooth affair.

    Let’s take a look:

    *This Historical reenactment protects the names and identities of the real men involved*
     
    YHC: It’s a LA history beatdown and we are going to double the size of our chest.

    Thomas R. Chesterton: What if my chest gets bigger than my legs? Does this disqualify you from ladies 5ks? Asking for a friend.

    Americas Chest: Alligator Mississippiensis doesn’t actually do merkins during its locomotion, this would offset the kinematic sequence of its erect posture.

    Cricket: chirps*

    Holden MoreChest Thanmost: : I have concerns there wont be enough merkins.

    Bruce Swells: Could we just pull a beatdown from greenwood? How much is a wellness center membership?

    Pec Major Dawson: Soreness is the cry of weakness being vanquished. Bring on the chest expansion.

    Pec Minor Dawson: What is soreness?

    White meat breast and two thighs: The opossum is the backbone of this ecosystem. Prove me wrong or fight me.

    Lube Richman: Do you guys ever just do 45 minutes of exercise and go home?
     
    Historians say this went on for a fortnight until eventually Quecracy prevailed.

    They decided to suffer together.

    Their chest and their souls were all better for it.

    SYITG
    Dox

  • The Louisiana PureChest vol. 2: All Dem Teeth and No Teethbrush – from Paradox

    Late in the pre-Tuesday Tuff evening, YHC sat amongst the leather bound books and rich mahogany (half drank capri suns and diapers) of his study (kids desk) putting the finishing touches on tommorows beatdown. Expecting an intimate crowd with the fall break absences YHC had planned for 45 minutes of SSH while pax watched “Where the Red Fern Grows” on an old substitute teachers roll cart vhs/tv. Standard issue style where the first man to cry would start continuous burpees …buttt not so fast my friends. A timely slack notification alerted YHC that we had a down ranger from St Louis!
    The situation called for more, maybe even a 45 minute crash course in all things Louisiana to show our guest a good time. YhC had already been itching to green light the sequel to 2022s Louisiana PureChest.
    ( See volume 1 below)

    The Louisiana PureChest: Life, Liberty, and the Trivial Pursuit of Alligator Merkins – from Paradox

    So there was only one thing left to do …
    YHC headed for the garage fridge, brushed aside the gentle Lacroix’s, skooched away the chilled Canebrakes and Envies …placed a 7 digit launch code and completed the retinal scanner to unleash the foulest fruited kettle sour ever produced…
    “ Greetings from Grand Isle “

    I took a sip and this is what followed…

    Duke !!
    Grab the bean footage and let the good times roll!

    9 men cut through some of the thickest fog YHC has ever encountered for a Tuesday Tuff with most of the regulars plus a wild Superfund and St Louis down ranger, Lube, who assured us multiple times that he was a dealer of oilfield pipe and pipe accessories and there was no great story involved in his name and he gets no royalties from KY and their jelly.

    After warmups and a short mosey YHC unveiled today’s theme and objectives :

    1.) Double the size of your chest until the locals call you Gregory Pecs behind your back.

    2.) Sharpen the iron of LA related knowledge so you can throw your kids books in the trash and tell them you were raised in the streetz.

    We begin like most great historical pieces , with a sonnet.

    The Poetry of Choppa styles “Louisiana”
    Rocky balboas on the song
    Double Merkin burpee on all Louisianas

    This Preheated the pax collective chest to 375 and Lube was all but ready to take the next flight back to Nelly if the music didn’t improve. The pax assured him it would not.

    We set out into the gloom with HR merkin Indian run drop off and YHC was legit scared we would lose men in dat fog.

    Thang 2

    Back to the Future 49 Corridor

    Format :
    7 cawns with 7 reps at each.
    The cones were set in 3 groups of 2 (the first one is free) that would serve as our Gator pits.
    The only way to freedom is a thorough knowledge of Louisiana lagniappe.

    Correct 7 x 7 reps with mosey

    Incorrect Alligator Merkins Traps times the number wrong.

    YHC was bordering Maui levels of complexity but was confident the pax could pick up this island quickly so we dove in.

    Exercise: Wide Merkins

    1. Other state that does not use counties . 1. Alaska 2. Burroughs 3. name one (there are 21)

    Burroughs were missed and the pax got to taste the pit early.

    Exercise : Bobbie Hurleys

    2.) Name atleast 5 beers from parish brewing company?

    AB did AB things, waiting on the difficulty of the question to increase and when it didn’t he let the Pax hold his proverbial beer.
    YHC is confident that if left alone he would still be standing there naming Parish beers.

    No Gators this round. Just a 10 minute history of Canebrake from AB while Lube commented to Goose “oh you have one of those guys”

    Exercise: Diamond Merkins

    3.) James Bond movie set in La- “Live and let die”
    Who played bond? – Roger Moore
    Name of the villain? Mr Big (Dr Kananga)

    One dose of gators this round and the pax directed anger toward Roger Moores butt chin making unrealistic standards for young men.

    Exercise : Leg Raises
    (Hidden Music Daily Double)

    4.) Finish this line in the classic “Louisiana Saturday Night” : Waiting in the front yard sitting on a log… Single shot rifle , one eyed dog … what artist (Mel McDaniel) …. Play the song for last verse.

    Now it was HoneySuckles turn to put the team on his back as we added yet another layer to his superhero origin story. During his time at Clemson creating government funded hurricane nukes he held tightly to this Mel McDaniel tune to fend off the evils of the Carolinas.
    Not all apiarist wear capes.

    We skipped past the gator traps and did leg raises while White Meat defended the honor of the slain possum as the unsung hero of the bayou. YHC quickly translated this relationship advice to young Pope: find you a gal that looks at you the way white meat looks at a possum eating 3k mosquitoes a night.

    **this next round was skipped but you can follow along at home. Tank me later***
    Apollo Onos (2 is one)

    5.) North La parish named after the first explorer documented to have crossed the Mississippi River. (Desoto) – large body of water in that parish (Toledo bend) —- parish seat -city ? (Mansfield)

    Finisher :

    Carolina Dry docks

    6.) 1989 movie filmed in Natchitoches — name two actresses —- Can you name the fictional parish in Steel Magnolia?

    The pax got the movie Steel Magnolia and actresses (with and without flotation devices) but struggled to produce the fictional Chinquapin parish leading to one last round of dem Medulla OblanGators.

    We packed up to round off our chiseled chesticles with HR merkin Indian run home and a plank out till time .

    By the power invested in me by the LA board of internet doctors I certified all the PAX 100% Chest in Show.

    Announcements

    -Yote Bday BD at the Peltch this Sat. Buckle up, Some still have scars from the Miracle on Ice.
    -Convergence on Oct 26 . Clown car is mobilizing.
    -Thibbaversary and GoosePalooza on Nov 2.
    -Lube and his STL crew are continuing a massive campaign to fight trafficking. More on this through the year.

    Prayers for health, clarity in Gods timing and all supporting those struggling in their family and beyond.

    -Goose prayed us out

    -Lube exposed YHC for taking group selfies for the Instagram clout as this “new technology” has been available for years.

    It’s a joy to lead ya men

    Postscript:

    Merkin History Repeats Itself

    Like any great real estate deal in history the Louisiana Purchase of 1803 was not with out its controversy. Political climates, egos, military advantages, all played a part in this mega deal.

    In a similar fashion the Louisiana PureChest of 2024 was not always a smooth affair.

    Let’s take a look:

    *This Historical reenactment protects the names and identities of the real men involved*
     
    YHC: It’s a LA history beatdown and we are going to double the size of our chest.

    Thomas R. Chesterton: What if my chest gets bigger than my legs? Does this disqualify you from ladies 5ks? Asking for a friend.

    Americas Chest: Alligator Mississippiensis doesn’t actually do merkins during its locomotion, this would offset the kinematic sequence of its erect posture.

    Cricket: chirps*

    Holden MoreChest Thanmost: : I have concerns there wont be enough merkins.

    Bruce Swells: Could we just pull a beatdown from greenwood? How much is a wellness center membership?

    Pec Major Dawson: Soreness is the cry of weakness being vanquished. Bring on the chest expansion.

    Pec Minor Dawson: What is soreness?

    White meat breast and two thighs: The opossum is the backbone of this ecosystem. Prove me wrong or fight me.

    Lube Richman: Do you guys ever just do 45 minutes of exercise and go home?
     
    Historians say this went on for a fortnight until eventually Quecracy prevailed.

    They decided to suffer together.

    Their chest and their souls were all better for it.

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Cohn-lumbus Day Crew – from Goose

    Four dedicated souls braved the stench of the sugar cane plant and the lure of the warm fartsack on what for many is a day off of work. White Meat in particular shared his inner battle with himself to get out of bed and into his fly ride to make the jump across the bayou. And, Dox braved the cryptic hype Goose Q even though he has to post tomorrow for his own Q. Pope didn’t have a choice–he’s not allowed to sleep in until he can show zero sign of fatigue at the end of a beatdown that his father deems “challenging”.

    The hype had no real connection to the workout; YHC just needed a place holder to let the PAX know the world wasn’t coming to an end. After warmups, which included both versions of Nightclubs for White Meat’s continuing education, we completed a short mosey to the grass over by the stop sign at the beginning of The Stretch. YHC revealed that we’d be doing some long 11’s in the fashion experienced only by Enron, YJ, and maybe Smooth about a year ago. Knowing that those fellas were unlikely to show, YHC took advantage of the ignorance of today’s PAX and explained what sounded like a relatively moderate routine: Afflecks on the near side, gas pumpers on the far side, carioca there nur back. The far side was basically the end of the grass, across from the other Stop sign (the distance of the parking lot/drive). (Afflecks are J-Lo’s with a pickle-pounder when you cross the middle–4-count this time.)

    We started off being able to converse, but that didn’t last long. Dox showed some grit in staying even with YHC the whole time (Go Team Long-Tibia), and White Meat stayed right behind Pope in a show of his own mettle. It was a long grinder with the cariocas being the crux (the nurs in close second) ensuring some unique soreness tomorrow, but we finished in good time, so it was on to the cultural education portion of the beatdown.

    YHC was recently reminded of an musician who captured him as a middle schooler in the early 90’s, and, though not as popular as Phil Collins, Peter Gabriel, or Talk Talk, his one hit, “Walking in Memphis” opened the door to an album that’s pure enjoyment from open to close. Marc Cohn would lead us through the final 10 minutes of the beatdown with some coupon work.

    The first song was the aforementioned “Walking in Memphis”, still capturing random hearts to this day–we held coupons overhead in rifle carry position and did a thruster for every “Walking”. Pope decided to modify about halfway through by dropping to his six and holding bench press position instead and doing coupon situps on the triggers. He chose poorly.

    Song #2 was “29 Ways”, the upbeat, bluesy song on the album, and we got on our sixes and held our coupons in bench press position for the duration, doing coupon situps on every “door”. Sorry, Pope. Still no sleeping in.

    About 6 minutes of Mary included the likes of crunchy frogs, wife pleasers, static wife pleasers, Freddy Mercs, Li’ Manny Crunches (static LBC’s), slow penguins, and Nolan Ryans (with the drawl).

    COT and Dox prayed us out. Prepping for the Coyote b-day Q this Saturday, the 10-Year NOLA Convergence next Saturday, and the 4-year F3 Thib/5-year Goose Manniversary the next Saturday. So much awesomeness to look forward to!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • “It was a Concept Beatdown” – The AB 20th Anniversary Rolling Stone Interview – from America’s Best

    Rolling Stone: So, AB, tell us about this beatdown you just wrapped up. What was the vibe at the AO?

    America’s Best: I was equally surprised by the wealth of knowledge out there and the lack of flatulence. . . Some mornings are just magical, I guess. We started with a warmarama that felt like an opening act—like you know when you’re going to see STP but The Offspring is there first? Just trying to get through it. Safely Valve tried to be the guy who knew better but we waited for him. Some were feeding off the energy of the hype, you know? After seeing the hype, Enron knew immediately that Arcade Fire was involved, but it was unclear if he was excited, concerned, or indifferent about it. The man is a riddle in a mystery inside an enigma wrapped in a cotton Phil Collins tank-ini.

    RS: So there was at least some anticipation of what was in store for the PAX?

    AB: At least some preparation. I think Paradox was running on pure adrenaline following his all-nighter of searching the Japanese internet.

    RS : For what was he searching?

    AB: I dunno. . . Answers? All I know is by morning he had figured out the album artwork for The Funeral. And he spoke fluent Japanese. Oh, sorry, Dox: “Nihongo.”

    RS: So do you enjoy the Q spotlight?

    AB: No. It’s too much for my ADHD brain. I do enjoy the creativity– trying to make something engaging and hopefully exciting. But most times it’s more fun to be in the trenches hammering away at something ridiculous and mumblechattering about someone else’s horrific music choices.

    RS: So do you ever think about stepping away and just producing?

    AB: I feel like I have more to give. I still feel young, you know? I mean, I’ve seen some greats like Yankee Jeaux step away for awhile and come back stronger than ever. Have you ever completed a Danny Go beatdown?

    RS: No I can’t say that I have. In fact, I can’t even remotely comprehend what you’re talking about.

    AB: It makes jurpin’ to “Give It Up” feel like crab-walking to the Halo theme.

    RS: That is zero percent helpful.

    AB: I feel like you’re getting a little disrespectful. Don’t be surprised if this interview goes sideways later.

    RS: Oooookay….noted. Anyway, what was your plan for this beatdown?

    AB: It was a concept beatdown. I wanted to capture the feeling of 2004. You know, I’d just graduated, gotten married, bought a house, begun a real job. I was getting realllllly boring. I mean, we were The Incredibles for Halloween that year.

    RS: You make is sound like 2004 was the beginning of the end.

    AB: It’s the year Facebook started.

    RS: Touche.

    AB: But getting back to the concept: It was simple. Put together a playlist of hits (Yes, they were hits, Lil Cuz) from 2004 that would be our soundtrack for a two mile run. At designated times, we would stop for an exercise. 20 reps would be the starting number, and we could deduct 5 reps each for the artist, title, and album identification.

    RS: And how did that go?

    AB: Let’s just say these guys were lucky Popeye was there.

    RS: So did he carry the PAX on music knowledge?

    AB: Oh there were definitely strong contributions by Honeysuckle and Goose too. But here’s the thing about Popeye: He has never forgotten. Anything.

    RS: Anything else of note during the run?

    AB: I’m glad you asked, Chumley. Is it ok if I call you Chumley? The thing is, I thought I threw a softball out there for our manmaker station. I figured half of theses guys at least knew Eminem’s “Just Lose It.” They knew it was him, but that was it. While I did hear a few of the PAX mumbling random facts about him, nobody could identify the album or title.

    RS: After all that intensity, how did you wrap it up? And no, please don’t call me that. That’s not my name or anything. Does that mean something?

    AB: No. Anyway, we moseyed back to the flag to finish up the last of the songs lighting-round style.

    RS: And how did that go?

    AB: No idea, Chumley. At that point I was running on fumes. But I assume it was pure magic.

    RS: Ok, why did you even ask permission if you are going to keep calling me that anyway? What does it even mean? Is it like “champ” or “boss” or something? Is that from something?

    AB: Don’t worry about it.

    RS: Ok, after all that intensity, how did you wrap it up?

    AB: COT. Phil the Pain (aka Face Value) went to Popeye. Blue Tube went to Enron. Lil Cuz prayed us out.

  • Belch at the Peltch – from Goose

    12 men (big and little) gathered courageously at The Peltch for the final, brutal IPC of 2024. For one in particular, it took a lot of courage: the soon-to-be-named L-loyd, Safety Valve’s FNG 2.0, Peyton saw a circle of large, surly men grunting through the dark morning’s tightness, one of whom was wearing what looked to be a woman’s tank top, and he was reluctant to jump in. So was YHC, but not Duke–he was the opposite of reluctant this morning, and he ran to make friends with the other similar sized human form in the gloom, and they warmed up in mini 2.0 fashion about 20 yards away.

    Eventually, unable to push off the inevitable any longer, we gathered the gear and headed to the track. The IPC went like this:
    8 rounds, 5 minutes apiece: 200 m run, 30 reps of a given exercise, 200m run, and then burpees till the end of the 5 minutes. Count your total burpee reps over the 8 rounds for your “score”. The exercises were as follows:

    Round 1: Freddy Mercurys
    2: Pickle Pounders
    3: Flutter Kicks
    4. Plank Jacks
    5. Monkey Humpers
    6. Squats
    7. LBC’s
    8. SSH

    Spirits were still high for Round 1 as the PAX mumblechattered their way around the track, the mini 2.0’s sprinted ahead, and all completed more burpees in 2.5 minutes than they expected to. Round 2 on went about as expected: mumblechatter was greatly reduced, the carefully curated playlist became just background noise, Honeysuckle stayed about 40-50 yards ahead of the pack, the mini 2.0’s played imaginary football (or something) on the field, and everything but counts sank into the brain fog.

    Despite the threat of takeover from the survival instinct, YHC still had the wherewithal to notice the awesome effort of every man out there, including the medium 2.0s. Nobody walked, and the majority stayed ahead of YHC on the track pushing hard the entire time, keeping the bar high, and not saving anything for the ride home.

    Admittedly, YHC was having a hard time performing at any kind of heroic level. The runs were the much needed breaks, and catching up to the front runners felt impossible. And, with only one glove, YHC quickly followed Valve’s lead in taking advantage of the (little bit) softer turf to avoid the cheese grater that the track was on the hands during burpees. His performance (and later Dox’s) right next to me was impressive, as was Honeysuckle’s and everyone who started doing burpees ahead of YHC (which was everyone but Smooth, who remains impressive in his ability to joyfully accept and own the things that are killing him, which usually include lots of running and burpees. Here’s to the clydesdales.).

    After round 8, YHC flopped to the ground drinking in the free oxygen before Dox hauled me back to vertical position from which I could see a yard sale of heaving bodies splayed on the track. But, we still had 7 minutes left, so after a 10-count, YHC turned off the Amy Grant, and we headed back to the flag for some Mary. More exercise certainly wasn’t easy, but anything was better than burpees.

    At 7:30, we counted off, and during name off shared the number of burpees achieved. YHC though it would be good to allow the monumental feat each man had accomplished to be known and appreciated by others. Each man had something to be proud of, especially Honeysuckle who cranked out 208, earning him the coveted Blue Tube.

    In an interesting, cosmic amalgamation of many small circumstances and decisions, Valve and YHC somehow finished at the exact same number. And we didn’t start or stop or take breaks at the same time or anything. What does it mean? What implications does it have? What does it reveal about the space-time fabric of the F3 Universe?

    These questions would have to wait as we had an FNG to name. Peyton is into Legos, particularly Ninjago, so it was an easy decision. L-loyd (pronounced “luh-loyd”) was quickly christened, and we’re sure to see his small, fast form sprinting ahead of many a Peltch Indian Run line.

    There’s nothing quite like suffering through really tough stuff together with a group of good men, which is why YHC looks forward to September every year. But, thank God it’s over. We did it, and now we can rest on our laurels. Until Monday.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Burpee, a History Volume 2: To Burpfinity and Beyond – from Paradox

    YHC has always loved a good origin story.
    Forged in radioactive slime or some gamma rays gone wrong? Sign me up. But there’s also a lot of really interesting beauty to be discovered in the story behind the routine and mundane we take for granted. Microwaves , penicillin, Velcro, HoneySuckles 2003 Garmin watch.
    All have unique backgrounds and lessons to learn. So YHC wanted to reach back into the F3 history lessons and attempt to give the pax some appreciation for our old friend …the burpee.

    3 objectives today for 8 pax at the Lions Dirt Patch.

    Objective 1:
    A safety PSA for the burpee.

    One of YHCs annual duties as assistant to the regional manager of beatdown safety is a yearly PSA on burpee form. Especially pertinent during IPC.

    See works cited volume 1:

    Burpee: A History – from Paradox

    Okay, for the Yankee Jeauxs out there just sit back down and sip your Ensure …I know you smell the hypocrisy here that the leader in poor form can’t lead a beatdown about proper form but hey F3 is all about improvement ok.

    Objective 2.)
    Honor Mr Burpee and share his story.

    Objective 3.)
    Explore the millions of burpee variations and honor other accidental inventions and origin mishaps along the way .
    We want to be safe but we also want to push the boundaries of our physical limits so that maybe one day our children can say “oh the kraken burpee, my dad used to do those while his friends talked about omelette PTSD”

    Duke !
    Get the footage and Crank the fan servicing.
    It’s a franchise remake !

    Warmup
    Started with the Valve Challenge : SSH until he shows up. Today we made it till about 45. Must have been a slow call night. Plan was to go till 100 or till Lil cuz asked for Goose to distract us with LOTR voices,

    Indian Run w Dropoff for 3 Bobby Hurley with a nod to National pirate day and well I really don’t need an excuse to blare sea shanties.(one of the few musical masterpieces Goose and YHC agree on)
    AB took this time to invent the portmanteau “pirish” and spent the remaining beatdown trying to make it happen and securing ground floor investors.

    Thang 1
    First , the safety.

    Royal Huddleston Burpee was born in 1897 in NY. He joined the Navy during the beginning of World War 1 and while aboard a navy ship for several months developed a knack for creating challenging body weight exercises one could accomplish in small spaces.
    He loved efficiency , good form and pushing his body to its limits.

    To fully commemorate Royals Naval service we enjoyed
    “Drunken Sailor”
    With plank and merks on “Way Up “and “drunken sailor”

    We were left with a warm feeling in our chest and many non OSHA approved options on how to handle a drunken sailor.

    After his service Mr Burpee became Dr Burpee by attaining his PhD in exercise physiology at Columbia University. His particular field of focus was utilizing simple body movements in a sequence to help the military improve its physical fitness screening.

    So we deconstructed his original fitness test in 7s to help bring home the safe execution of the standard burp.

    7 hand to ground Squats
    14 Groiners
    21 Merk
    28 squat jumps

    With the safety and the history covered we segued into the future of the burpee and its millions of variations with “Peaches” by the Goosey Burpapalooza headliners : Presidents of the US of A.

    *YHC took this intermission to unveil Blue Tube 2.0, the newly modified wearable to make that special conversation with your M a little less awkward.

    Final Thang

    So despite beginning as a simple fitness test, the burpee was now a universally known, highly efficient, highly effective way to improve your cardio and with that super stardom came many variations.
    We would scratch the surface of a few F3 favorites while honoring other non intentional invention’s.

    Burp Trivia
    Correct 4 Reps
    Incorrect 8 reps

    1.) double merkins burpee

    1930 – Ruth Wakefield ran out of bakers chocalate and needed to use Nestle chips for her guests in her Inn, thereby inventing chocolate chip cookies .
    What was the name of the inn?
    (Tollhouse)

    Bearpee

    2.) late 19th century two brothers preparing food for a health spa accidentally left dough out , after its fermentation they sent it through rollers creating large crispy flakes .
    What are the brothers last name?
    (Kellog)

    Double Jump Burpee

    3.) 1943 attending to create a rubber substitute, General Electric engineer James Wright dropped boric acid into silicone oil. What did he create?
    (Silly putty)

    BroPees

    4.) 3M scientist Art Fry
    , frustrated by loose papers in his hymnals at choir practice met white other chemist ti produce what product.

    (Post it notes)

    Kraken Burpee

    5.) created to fill a need for cleaning soot from wallpaper this colored combination of salt, flour and water became what?
    (Play Doh)

    Notes:

    – Switching it up mid burpees and calling Honeysuckle “honey” felt like being in elementary school when you called the teacher “mom” on accident and had to talk to your parents about witness protection.
    – YHC thought these were atleast mildly difficult trivia and the pax gobbled them up like Kobyashi at the Nathan’s. Studs.
    – Several questions were answered almost in unison with Goose and White Meat sprinkling in early confidence. AB waiting in the bullpen like Rivera in the 9th but we never even had to call for the sandman to enter. Oh well , not everyone appreciates Nirvana.

    A few min left at the flag and as always any Burpee history lesson ends with a good tub thumping with Ole Danny Boy !!! We got knocked down , got back up and all were better for it.

    Honeysuckle bequeathed TFW to White Meat for his consistent meatiness this week.

    YHC awarded Blue Tube to Lil Cuz for his timely cardiovascular queries.

    COT
    -Sign up for the BK500 – September 28th
    -Culture Fest 5k – Oct 5
    -Prayers, support for Valve 2.0
    -Barney Fife surgery

    Uncle Ronnie Prayed us out

    Thanks for your effort men
    It’s a joy to lead ya.

    Dox Thumping

    We sing the songs that remind us of the good times (Taco Bell and Pizza Hut?)

    We sing the songs that remind us of the better times (Sandstorm?)

    We drink a whiskey drink
    We drink a vodka drink
    We eat Jimmy John
    We eat a Jersey Mike

    At the end of the day, the truth is I thought music mattered .

    heck I even thought burpees mattered..

    But does it?

    Bollocks!

    Good form or not

    We get knocked down
    We get back up again

    SYITG

    Dox

  • Morning Constitutional – from Popeye

    Constitution Day 2024: A little known day of recognition for the signing of the U.S. Constitution on September 17, 1787.

    YHC felt it was only appropriate to take the PAX back to school for a little quiz on this heralded document in order to verify the citizenship of the group and find out if the trivia nerd thing is doing any good.

    WU:
    SSH
    Slow Hi-Knee
    Windmills
    Side bends
    Arm Circles

    WU2:
    All above with tickets

    Preamble:
    A trip back in time to the schoolhouse that rocks. Schoolhouse Rocks was (is?) the leader in public school indoctrination of the Preamble to the U.S. Constitution back in YHC’s day. This catchy jingle is buried deep in my mind but at the strum of the banjo it instantly is unearthed from 40+ years of other learnings and it’s right there at the tip of my tongue. I know every word. Goose knew every word. Uncanny.
    10 step ups per leg and 10 crunchy frogs for the duration of the Preamble song.

    Quiz:
    #1: How many amendments to the Constitution have been proposed?
    Correct: 10 merks and 1 lap.
    Incorrect: 33 ticket overhead arm claps and 1 lap.
    Score: 0. PAX paid their dues and took the lap.

    #2: How many amendments to the Constitution have been ratified? (Homerians: this means voted on and approved)
    Correct: 5 burpees and 1 lap.
    Incorrect: 27 ticket seal/overhead claps and 1 lap.
    Score: 0. While the close guess of 28 was borderline impressive, it did not meet the standard and there’s no partial credit here.

    #3: Softball starter – Amendments 1-10 are known as what? PAX easily got this correct (thank God, they’re not Taliban).
    Actual question – The 1st Amendment grants what freedoms? The PAX quickly got speech, religion, press, and assembly… but the lesser known freedom is the right to petition the government. I’m here, petition me all you want – the answer was still technically not correct.
    The PAX celebrated their freedom from correct answers by executing mountain climbers with a merk on “free” to the dreadful sounds of “I’m Free” by the Soup Dragons. Worst band name ever? Maybe. Such a bad song that I didn’t even realize that it’s a cover of a Rolling Stones song. Moving on.

    #4: The 26th Amendment was ratified in 1971, what was it? Nobody knew. YHC informed them that it changed the voting age to 18. From what? PAX got this one correct with 21.
    Penalty: 18 ticket curls, 21 ticket overhead press and 1 lap.

    #5: Softball starter – How many Amendments have been repealed? CORRECT – 1.
    Actual question – What Amendment did the 21st Amendment repeal? Surprisingly, the PAX did not correctly answer that the 21st Amendment repealed the 18th Amendment, which was the prohibition of alcohol.
    The PAX enjoyed a BNL tune titled “Alcohol” while performing nonstop Imperial Walkers and knocking out a merkin on each mention of “alcohol.” I wonder if the Canadians who sang this song would have known the answer. Tolerate the song, take a lap.

    #6: What does the 8th Amendment prohibit?
    The PAX was incorrect in their guesses of slavery, Goose was close with some mumble that sounded kinda like due process, but sadly again we were without basic knowledge of the Bill of Rights. The correct answer was that the 8th Amendment prohibits “excessive fines and bail, and cruel and unusual punishment.”
    In honor of this, we took part in some cruel and unusual punishment with 2 rounds of Monkey Humper ring of fire. (note to self, next time start the ring with me, not the guy next to me).

    We were nearing time, but as the PAX knows I enjoy closing out with some planks. I selected 2 songs both titled “Freedom” to which we would hold plank, but due to the lack of Constitutional knowledge, we were forced to listen to the George Michael “Freedom” as opposed to the Rage Against the Machine “Freedom”. 60 second low plank, followed by 30 seconds on each side. Catchy jingle though, probably YJ’s ringtone.

    Time was called and the PAX circled up. Despite YHC’s desire to rid the PAX of the Blue Tube and blame it on FRANCINE, it survived the storm and this unique form of cruel and unusual punishment was awarded to Paradox.
    Intentions: Sign up for the dang BK5000 already. I know we’re last-minute but let’s be a bit less last-minute.
    COT – Prayers for storm recovery and the return of lost sheep to the flock. YHC’s little brother has been a lost soul for 20+ years and is finding a renewed faith – it’s never too late.
    Goose prayed us out.

    Honored to be a part of this crew and further your knowledge as ‘mericans. Hit the books.

  • IPC week 0 @ the Coliseum – from Honeysuckle

    YHC plus four PAX arrived at the coliseum in the black, star lined night.

    Warmarama
    SSH, arm circles, cherry pickers, windmills

    Wet tap marked the 200 m turnaround point.

    Right before the EMOM timer was started, popeye dropped this gem: you know, it’s possible to get into an endless burpee loop. With that segue, the pax immediately had to chew on this as the burpees started.

    Some time during the first half, smooth operator began coughing and the only question was bottle of red, bottle of white? We would later learn that he swallowed an insect or some grass, and it was not a symptom of thruster madness.

    YHC was questioning several things during this event, but the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia kept things moving forward because they had to. EMOM to the left of me, exercises to the right. No amount of pleases could shield us. A break would mean one step closer to the burpee doom loop.

    Overall, the Pax agreed that the most surprising part was the amount of time taken up by the 5 exercises at the EMOM beep. Regardless, every one put forth a consistently high level of effort until the end. Eventually, the 6 arrived.

    Blue tube passed on from wet tap to popeye. Word on the street is that week 1 IPC is putting on and removing it. Wet tap prayed us out.

    Good luck to the Saturday crew.

    Syitg,
    Honeysuckle

    I heard it through the honeysuckle vine
    —did paradox hack into valve’s Spotify? It may not be that hard now that he’s stealing their WiFi.
    —the mowed track at the coliseum worked out well for this workout. The jury is still out if YHC will develop a belly rash
    —smooth did not use gloves today!