The ‘Yote Bowl
By Coyote
The morning presented itself to YHC as crisp and chilly. The crazy winds that had been batting at us all week had taken a break for the weekend: a perfect day for a little F3 flag-football. Pope and YHC set up a field about fifty yards long with five-yard end zones and a first down line halfway through the field.
The Pax showed up quickly, and YHC was not surprised that there were so many 2.0’s, including YHC. Yankee Joe and Brass Monkey showed up a little late, but nobody noticed. YHC and the Pax skimmed over warmups and moseyed over to the Field by Bayou Road, the place where the field was. The teams were assembled, Team 1 consisting of Goose, White Meat, Brass Monkey, Lil Cuz, Bam-Bam, Jackknife, and Pikachu. Team 2 had Man-Eater, Yankee Joe, Cap’n D, Pope, Darrel Strawberry, Duke, and YHC. YHC announced that there would be a football trivia question every touchdown, and every five minutes on the minute, the Pax would have to do five burpees. Team 2 started with the ball, moved down the field, and ended the drive with a disappointing punt. Team 1 got the ball, and after a few plays, were four yards from the first down line on fourth down. They went for it and a pass from Lil Cuz to Brass monkey was batted down. Team 2 got the ball, and finished the drive with a touchdown to Man Eater on a flea-flicker play. The trivia awaited, and “Who has the record for most rushing yards in a season?” tested the knowledge of the Pax. Cap’n D answered with Eric Dickerson: the correct answer. The score was Team 2:7, Team 1:0. Team 1 got the ball, and wasted no time telling us that they were not brushoffs and moved down the field fast. On first and goal, Lil Cuz threw a pass meant for either Goose or Brass Monkey. Either way, they both jumped up, focused on the ball, ready to snag it out of the air…and slammed into each other. Quote Goose, “When I saw that ball in the air, I felt like I was 12 again.” They redeemed themselves and scored on a pass to Brass Monkey. Cap’n D answered the next question, and we played on. 7-7. Next, Man Eater threw a bomb meant for Yankee, but it was intercepted by Cuz. Team 1 Scored on another pass to Goose. 14-7. The next drive was interesting, and YHC’s team stuck to short passes and handoffs, more than half of them going to Pope, and Cap’n D caught a touchdown pass, and answered the question correctly. Game tied 14-14. Team 2 drove down the field, and this drive put the 2.0’s on the map. Bam-Bam caught the first pass of the drive and ran six yards, then he caught another pass for more yards. Then Brass Monkey smashed through Team 2’s entire defense and got a first down. Then Jackknife caught a pass and ran through a wide-open hole to the three-yard line. Then Bam-Bam caught a touchdown pass and Team 1 took the lead 21-14. Again, Cap’n D blew the trivia out of the water. On the first play of the next drive Man Eater threw a bomb pass to Cap’n D, who dove and caught it with his fingertips. But the next play, Man Eater threw a pass meant for Yankee Joe, But Lil Cuz jumped in front and snagged his second interception of the game. Goose took over as Quarterback for Team 1, and they went for it on fourth down, and White Meat dropped a pass. Cap’n D took over as Team 2’s Quarterback, and Yankee Joe caught a pass in the End Zone. 21-21. This time, Yankee Joe answered the question right. Team 1 still had Goose for a Quarterback, and when they got to the five-yard line, Cap’n D rushed Goose, and Goose ran into the End Zone. 28-21. Yankee Joe tramped the trivia, and Team 2 got the ball again. Cap’n D stayed as Team 2’s QB for the rest of the game, and his plays worked every time. After an amazing throw and catch from Cap’n D to Pope, we were at the seven-yard line. A pass to YHC was complete and YHC ran into the end zone and tied the game once again, and Yankee rocked the trivia, answering the question immediately after YHC asked it. 28-28. Team 1 threw three passes that were all batted down, and they punted. Cap’n D threw a huge pass to the other side of the field to Yankee Joe, and Yankee caught it and bowled over the line to give Team 2 the lead 35-28 with two minutes left to play. Team 1 dashed down the field and scored on a pass to Goose. The score was tied again. The trivia was crushed by Joe. 35-35. With 14 seconds left to play, Team 2 lined up fast and an incomplete was thrown. For the last play of the game, Cap’n D threw a Hail Mary to Pope, and Pope caught it and turned around to go for the game-winning touchdown…but then stepped out of bounds. The game ended with a score of 35-35, a tie. The Circle of trust was done, and the ‘Yote Bowl ended. Thank you guys for your prayers, and for a great football game…and beware of ‘Yote Bowl part two: overtime.
Tag: Pikachu
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The Yote Bowl – from Goose
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They are wet because they are dry – from Honeysuckle
On a colder than usual day in the gloom, YHC returned from a warm up run to find White Meat holding warm in his truck. Not long after, Lil Cuz and Pikachu pulled up. Not wanting to miss SSHs, Safety Valve arrived shortly after and we began the warmarama.
SSHs, Imperial Walkers, Willie Mays Hayes, Arm circles, cherry pickers, toy soldiers
Mosey to the far gate. As is usually the case, some sort of run through the park is used to showcase some prepping. In this case, it was a pile of coupons and some cones spaced too far apart for Valve’s liking. White Meat complained that it was harder for him to see in the cold weather but that no one ever believes him. Valve said that it made perfect sense, because the eyes were dry. Then Meat said that they were wet. Then Zen Master Valve responded that they were wet because they were dry. And then proceeded to describe a feedback loop that detects dry eyes and causes tears to be dispensed (via some sort of valve opening, if you will). This, and White Meat doing his best impersonation of an eye doctor, carried us through the entire mosey and we arrived at the coupons.
Thang 1:
YHC then described the main event, which is some variation of Dora that may or may not be in the exicon. The coupon is to be moved incrementally from cone to cone (6 steps in all) and then back to the start line. On the way out, partner one runs to the coupon, lunge walks it to the next cone, then does 15 thrusters. The home partner starts 30 burpees. Then partner 1 runs back and helps partner 2 complete the burpees. When they are complete, partner 2 is released to move the coupon and partner 1 starts the 30 burpee counter again.
Unrelated to any of this, YHC also admitted that this was not a Drew Carey beatdown, so perhaps it was better that Goose wasn’t there as he probably wouldn’t have been able to contain his disappointment. Rather, YHC asked why does Cleveland Rock? The best the Pax could come up with was that it’s in Ohio. YHC then revealed that Cleveland is the home of the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, and today we would be listening to songs from the 2024 inductees. This included Foreigner, Ozzy Osborne, A Tribe Called Qwest, Jimmy Buffett, and Kool n the Gang.
After the six coupon steps away from the start line are done, the coupon is moved back towards the starting line. This time, the explorer partner does 25 curls upon reaching the coupon then murder bunnies to the next cone. The home partner is doing 50 big boy situps. Again, the explorer partner helps complete the 50 BBS’s before the swap happens.
All in all, each PAX did 45 thrusters, 75 curls, and did roughly half of the 180 burpees and 300 BBS’s.
Somehow, after initially falling behind to team LiL Suckle, team Safety Meat pulled ahead and finished first. They were fast because they were slow?
Thang 2:
YHC really had no idea how long this Dora would take, but as everyone pushed through the burn and didn’t take breaks, there was still a fair amount of time left. YHC had sort of prepared for this situation, so we moseyed to the playground. Valve saw right through this and immediately knew that hanging would be involved. The same teams were kept, and the first teammate had to hang while the other did 5 merkins. Then they swapped and the teammate that was just hanging now did 6 merkins while the other teammate had to hang. And so on, adding one merkin each time.
Given the recent time warps that have been experienced in beatdowns, with both AB and Goose messing with our mental ratios of work-to-time, White Meat realized what time it was and had to leave when this was almost over. So Honey Cuz became Lil Honey Valve and we continued until 20 merkins were reached. This burned because it was cold.
Thang 3:
The Pax at this point wanted to do some Mary and go home, but not today. We moseyed back to the coupons and did farmers carrys with double coupons over the 60 yard course a few times (after a few kinks were worked out). It felt like it took so long because we only had a few minutes left.
Eventally we reached 59:30 and moseyed to the where the flags normally are for namearama, announcements, and intentions.
Though among the Pax there were at least 3 shirts to exchange, YHC forgot his and Meat had to leave, so no awards were handed out.
Lil Cuz prayed us out. Thanks men for venturing out in the cold after Thanksgiving, though I am sure you were really hoping for Dox dressed as Mimi.
SYITG,
Honeysuckle -
Gambling with Minors – from Goose
YHC showed up at the Peltch fully expecting it to be just Maneater and Jacknife joining the truckful of Dawsons on this Independence Day weekend, but what to my wandering eyes should appear, but Cuz, Honeysuckle, and Smooth, each with a 2.0. I think this is actually the first time I’ve ever attended a beatdown with more 2.0’s than 1.0’s. Even if we counted Pope as a full-grown PAX, the little ‘uns still outnumbered us 7 to 6. And, when we finally got them to put the sticks down, it was time to warmup.
Did the usuals, but introduced the Lafayette grass-grabbers, increasing the Lafayette warmup exercises to 30% of the total this morning. You see that math? That kind of quick figuring is what almost got YHC first place in the poker tournament. But, almost means I didn’t. An unlikely victor ran away with the prize, but we had some work to do first.
After the warmup, we moseyed to the farther end of the lower field, and YHC set up Bose with what was assumed to be a blast from the past, a reminder of years we might not want to be reminded of. (…right around the time we learned not to end a sentence in a preposition.) YHC set up Bose, gave instructions, and let fly with “Lucas with the Lid Off”, a top 25 track from 1994 with a Grammy nominated music video. We planked for the duration, toe tapped (reached under and touched opposite foot) for every “catch the vibe” and merkins for every “bubbles”. YHC expected maybe Maneater or at least Honeysuckle had heard it on the radio in middle school, but it was as if I had pulled a deep track from an unpopular album from an obscure Scandinavian country. YHC was like, “But it played on the radio all the time,” and they and every single person on GroupMe were like, “You sure that was a radio?” Whatever–music videos from other dimensions don’t get nominated for Grammys. At least I don’t think they do. But, it did motivate me to see how many other songs seemed to vanish into thin air somehow in future Q’s. More to come on this…
On to the main event, the F3 2024 Poker Tournament. The PVC cards from the Deck of Death were still wet from last time, so shuffling was difficult, but YHC managed, and each man was given 5 cards while each boy was given 3. The men paired up for one on one 5-card draw poker while the boys paired up for battle/war. The loser of each pair had to do the exercises on the cards of the hand with the harder exercises, and the winner did the exercises on the easier hand. If you did your math, like YHC, you’d see that pretty much every card was used (we included the jokers and the instructions cards–they were wild), whihc meant that there was no avoiding the really tough ones. Someone was going to be doing the 25 burpess or the 400m sprint. The jokers were frog hops between trees, which brought back bad memories from not too long ago.
After all 5 exercises (or 3 for the wee ones) were completed, the winners went to the winners’ bracket, and the losers to the losers’ and we did it again. After that round, we had a winning winner’s bracket, a losing losers’ bracket, and a bracket that combined the winning losers and the losing winners from the previous round. YHC and Bam Bam were the final pair to face off for the title of King Poker Face, and he won with a pair of 4s. After getting an actual flush the round before (no wilds), YHC could only muster a king-high, so Bam Bam emerged as the champion, and YHC had to do some sprinting.
With about 10 minutes on the clock, we went all against all, 5-card stud, and somehow Cuz ended up with three kings and a Joker, so the whole PAX did the exercises on the cards in his hand. (Shared suffering is so much better than doing your own sets of different excercises, even if you’re right next to someone else.)
After this, we hustled back to the flag for about 6 minutes of Mary: WWI situps, crunchy frogs, heels to heaven, wife pleasers, Afflecks, and side planks. COT, intentions offered, especially for the PAX on family retreat, and Coyote prayed us out.
Awesome work, fellas! It’s always such a gift to start the weekend with such quality men.
SYITG,
Goose -
Bona Fide Odyssey – from Goose
YHC may have done this theme before, but if so, it’s been long enough, and we were overdue for a romp through one of the greatest movies of all time, O Brother, Where Art Thou? In no other movie can you find a script made up completely of quotable one-liners given by the most interesting and entertaining characters in an unpredictable plot with every element coming from nowhere but left field, keeping the viewer in rapt wonder from start to finish. And, because of this, it’s the only movie YHC knows that doesn’t get old no matter how many times you watch it.
Six adults and four 2.0’s gathered in the bright summer “gloom”, and YHC figured the leader of this outfit should be the one capaable of abstract thought, so he started the warmup with some SSH and moved through the usuals, adding some WMH and Good mornings since there would be some atrain on the back early on.
We grabbed the blocks, and it was time to R-U-N-N-O-F-T. We made it to the playground, or the chain-gang work site, and YHC began reviewing the plot: the movie starts with three men chained together, running through a cornfield to escape from a chain gang. One of them, Ulysses Everett McGill, promised the other two share in the treasure he had buried, and they were running to try to catch a box car on a train. The treasure ended up being his wife and children, and he was on a time crunch because she was scheduled to get married to another man (“Mama says he’s bonafide.” “He’s a suitor!”)
The exercise at this point would consist of two groups of three men, the first group, arms around each other, would lunge walk four steps together before dropping to the ground to avoid being caught, and there doing four Merkins before continuing to lunge walk four more steps, and moving in this fashion to where the “train tracks” were, the far playground area. The other three men stayed put, and acted as the chain gang, doing repeated sets of 10 grave diggers and 15 overhead presses with the block while Bose’, Sr. belted out Po’ Lazarus and Big Rock Candy Mountain. Insights about where to put your arm for the lunge walks and comparisons to high school dates at the movies were shared by our resident mid-beatdown philosopher, Lil’ Cuz.
After a successful enough escape, we grabbed our blocks and moseyed to the Thunderdome. This would act as our rural radio station, where our newfound partner, Tommy (Suckle?), who sold his soul to the devil in return for guitar lessons, would give us what we needed to sing into a “can”, record a record, and make $10 apiece, unwittingly becoming major celebrities in the process.
Bose’ rocked “Man of Constant Sorrows”, which rocked our lower abs in the following manner: hold 6 inches for the duration, and leg raises on every non-possessive pronoun that refers to the singer (I, me, he, him).
In order to stay ahead of the pursuing lawmen, it was time to R-U-N-N-O-F-T again, this time along the road. But, about halfway to the chimney, one of our party demanded that we pull over immediately. He had heard something so irresistable, so heart-rendingly attractive, he, and then we, couldn’t not investigate. We discovered three beautiful women doing laundry in the stream singing the most intoxicating song in perfect bluegrass harmony. We also discovered an abnormally large number of people waliking the park that day and judging us as we completed the following routine (AB’s wearing of The Fire Within may have absorbed most of the rays of judgment aimed at us, but certainly not all.):
11’s–run instinctively to where the Sirens are (a tree about 10-15 yards away), do 10 J-Lo Pickle Pounders, or Afflecks (as Delmar said, “We was fxin’ to fornicate!”), then like Pete, we was turned into a toad and had to frog-hop back for 1 American Hammer and so on in typical 11’s fashion. The American Hammers were reflective of the two remaining friends who weren’t transformed, but were beat with a tree branch by the Bible salesman, Big Dan.
The frog-hops were brutal, but that’s justice for you, and on we traveled. Soon, we stumbled into a KKK riitual gathering led by none other than the favorite in the upcoming gubernatorial election, Homer Stokes, the “Friend of the Little Man” who was gonna “sweep this state clean” of “rascalism, nepotism, croneyism,” etc., not to mention “all them people say we come from monkeys”.
The routine would be a stationary Flora where we partnered up, one partner representing Stokes while the other represented the “Little Man”. They split duty on 100 Coupon Swings (sweeping the state clean), 100 tricep presses (emphatically brandishing the broom overhead) , and 100 curls (lifting up the little man). While one partner worked through 10, then 15, then 20 reps of these, the other, the “Little Man” did Smurf Jacks, then Mission Impossible plank, then LBC’s (all nice and little, or low to the ground).
This is where we finally lost all pride. If the Sirens or park walkers didn’t defeat us, Stokes and his Little Man did. But we stuck it out, driven by the undying desire to save our wife and children from the clutches of Vernon T. Waldrip, Mr. Bonafide himself. So, in an unexpected turn of events, Stokes was revealed for the man he was, his constituency rode him out on a rail, and the three men were given bonafide jobs in the governor’s cabinet.
We moseyed with the blocks back to the flag for what the Pax hoped would be a happy ending, but instead were met with sinister authorities, who were ready to exact the highest (or lowest) level of justice. The PAX dropped to their knees (10x, in cadence, as genuflections), and Providence smiled on them as a wall of water came rushing in and swept them all away in a cleansing tide as the valley was flooded by the TWA for the new power plant. 10 Scuba Steves, in cadence, brought us to the surface, where we discovered the roll-top desk in which we found Everett’s wife’s original wedding ring.
But, of course, his wife had one more heroic task for Ulysses/Everett to complete–YHC won’t spoil it here , bu suffice it to say, she made her mind up (“counted to three”), so we finished with 10 static wife pleasers (hold for 3-count at the top).
COT, and The Fire Within was bequeathed by AB to Maneater for his timely recitation of some one-liners from the movie, and he immediately squeezed into it like a wet six-year-old putting on pajamas after a bath. Prayer requests and Cuz prayed us out.
That was a fun one, and a solid crew. Thanks for posting! “I’m with you fellers.”
SYITG,
Goose -
Dadlympics 2024 – from Paradox
776 BC is widely recognized as the year of the first Olympic games. It began with an annual foot race, a stadion, and blossomed into the over 200 competitions we have today. Origin stories vary but many agree the race began as a simple challenge between friends…or rivals (perhaps both). Many Greek men of this era were very practiced at coalescing into groups at a predetermined area, in the wee dawn hours, one leading calisthenia while the others followed. In Greece, just as in F3 , It only takes a few meetings for the bonds to build, then the comparing of athletic feats follows. As one can imagine, these groups consisted of a variety of characters from the community and YHCs research led to the discovery of ancient sea scrolls depicting an early gathering (meticulously translated to Redneck) as such :
Upon the Peltchaneus thoroughfare these men gathered:
Maximus Goosicus -aged learned philosopher, forged in the wisdom of deka kids but the fire within steadily burning though know one truly knows are the flames of his heart or of his bowels?
Valvenus Saefetyfurst- arriving in the days highest technology chariot. He considers his bronze edition the best, if he only knew his descendants would go platinum and beyond.
Cuzin Lillius de Punisher-
beard so thick and luxurious he regarded all face shields as the highest insult. Teaches in the vernacular of Yee Yee.Cardinalus of Thebodux- constantly boasting his athletics feats were better served in the Aegean Sea, he would be the origin of all future Olympic swimming. It would take a few years for the sport to gain popularity but it would take millennia to remove his fartsack reputation.
Montanius de Wilford – returning to glory after many pickled countries were conquered. Only Hippocrates could explain how a 1 day knee injury in February led to 46 pickle tournaments and zero beatdowns but we’ll leave that to the medical historians.
2,800 years later another group of men would establish another great tradition of athletic excellence. This one to honor the physical, mental , and spiritual battle of being a dad.
Welcome to the Dadlympics
Duke
Light the torch and Roll the beautiful footage !Warmup
9 pax for an intimate Saturday setting and the only thing you really need to know about warmups is Goose unveiled The Fire Within. The remaining warmup period was spent sneaking looks while Goose shook his head and said “hey my eyes are up here buddy! “
Like a true work of classical art you can appreciate a different beauty with every glance. Huge shout to Gooses M for finding this diamond and allowing it to serve the masses.YHC then announced that this day we would honor the duties of a father in 3 parts of Dadlympic glory.
1. The Track
2. The Field
3. The BattlegroundOpening Ceremony
Indian Run to EDW track with the “torch “ (ole hickory bar)
Last man drop to 5 torch raisesThang 1 —-TRACK
It doesn’t take long to learn lesson number one as a father…. that your kids are stone cold crazy and programmed to run themselves into direct harm.
So our first feat would be a “catch me if you can”
-P1 5 burpees, P2 bur until caught
-complete 1 track lapThis crew was barely ruffled and Valves whoop was still logging a sleep HR.
Next we needed to switch gears into the fatherhood mental toughness test. Balance the budget? Practice a parking lot confrontation? No my friends, we had to go into the deepest waters of Dadversity …the dad joke. Goose had been training us since mid May with his legendary 300 plus merkins dad joke mile and YHC wanted to gift him a few chances to flex his talents and test his troops.
YHC would give 1/2 of the dad joke then we would fartlek our way around the track with time to think and taste our own brand.
The answers were then revealed and merkins were used as reward or punishment.Here’s a sample of my fave 3 :
-I have a joke about trickle down economics….(pause and heavy breathing) …but 99% of you won’t get it.
-I used to run a dating service for chickens…but I was struggling to make hens meet
– Why couldn’t the produce manager make it to work …he could drive but he didn’t Avacado .
Goose set the tone with early recognition of ole Phillipe Flop (a Frenchman’s sandals) and Lil Cuz consistently sprinkled in multiple timely assists including a full length dissertation on poultry pronouns. Valve thought alot about the lack of quality neighbors and PCPs in this region. Tana seemed to enjoy the cardio without the heavy burden of paddle sponsorships and endorsement obligations.
We swapped the fartlek transport for burpee broad jumps (to simulate jumping living room legos) and continued the competition.
Ending with this doozy….
-You used to be able to get air at the gas station for free, now it’s a dollar …guess that’s inflation for you .
A mosey was necessary just to clear the air of the stench of a joke of that caliber .
The heart can only withstand so much.Thang 2—Field
A dad must be able to flex his dad strength with a legendary single car load trip. The goal here is to show the other dads on the beach where the straps were digging into your wrist so they will burn with jealous rage.
Carry the Beach Equipment
P1 garner carry through the “crowd”
P2 flutter kicksThe most important of the field events involved practicing to throw your child into that dizzying hybrid of joy and fear.
Toss your kid to infinity and beyond
P1 Thrusters
P2 coupon piggy back ride (nice edit on a YHC miscalculation)The Thang Finale —-Battle Field
American Dadiator
Rules :
3 cones in a rough triangle (non Bermuda because I’m still mad) with a bucket of water balloons at each .
2 pax with a 2.0 defender at each station.
Center hoola hoop with 10 tennis ballsGoal is to be the team with the most tennis balls at the end of the game .
-2.0 defend the nest with pool noodle (3 burpees if hit)
-5 merkins to get a tennis ball
-If you get hit with a balloon you owe 3 burpees and you drop your tennis ball
-10 minutes on the clockTeams :
TanaCuz (picachu )
ValveDox (gecko)
Office of Parish Support (Duke)Notes :
– very firm water balloons dont burst and become rubber riot control pellets , there are tattoos to prove it
– The 2.0 defended nests with deadly accuracy.
– Several alliances were formed, broken , betrayed, reformed and in general I think we covered 1000s of years of world history with balloons and pool noodles.When the smoke cleared Lil Cuz and Tana took the W by one tennis ball thanks to a late assault on the office parish support castle.
Gear up and back to the flag
YHC awarded the first Golden Dad to Lil Cuz for his overall performance in the battle, sharp dad joke knowledge and outstanding attitude to laugh and display joy when faced with burpees in soaking wet socks.
Goose awarded YHC with The Fire Within for cooking with excessive shenanigans when today’s recipe only called for mild shenanigans.
Lifetime YhC achievement list update :
1: children being born
2: being awarded TFWCOT and Cardinal prayed us out
At the end of the day as Fathers we are preparing our sons and daughters for the spiritual battle of real life. God provides us many tools of both offense and defense. And just like in our ballooned battle today it doesn’t stop each day from feeling chaotic. It doesn’t stop us from failing when we feel so close to a victory. In fact it can often feel like being busted in the neck with a water balloon after sprinting 50 yards only to do 3 burpees and try again . But if we can stop in the midst of the battle and see His provisions all around us and if we can trust Him, then we can lean on what He gives us. Looking back on the last few years I am truly grateful for the crew He has provided in F3. I hope you all enjoyed a day honoring your fight as Dadiator and I look forward to struggling along side you.
See you at the ‘25 games
Dox
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Rugby: Played by men with odd-shaped balls – from America’s Best
This day, the last day YHC could proclaim himself 47 years old, we would do what I’ve been waiting to do for a long long time: we would play rugby. YHC knew this would be a challenge, not only because of the length of time that has passed since I last touched a rugby ball, but because almost all of the PAX has likely not even watched rugby before. Luckily, Yankee Jeaux is a fellow Virginia rugger from the same era. What are the chances? YHC would lean heavily on YJ for help with this beatdown.
Warmarama: Co-Q’ed by Yankee Jeaux (see?) as I tended to my ball.
The first quick Thang (bc we can’t go straight to the fun):
Ostensibly, we learned to slide-dive, by deconstructing it into a deep squat and a “Mike Tyson merkin.”
This was actually just YHC’s way of introducing yet another type of merkin to the PAX. Someone asked: “Why are they called Mike Tyson merkins?”
The answer is simple: Because that’s how Mike Tyson does them.The Main Event: Rugby
For the first time in a quarter century, YHC donned his old rugby jersey.
We held plank whilst the instructions and rules were outlined.
And upon the start of play, there was much confusion. YHC almost immediately forgot one of the most important rules (allowing Goose to accidentally cheat), and YHC forgot Enron was on his team. And confusion runs downhill…The highlights:
–Mom Jeans again materialized out of nowhere, and he and a shoeless Wet Tap made a living swatting passes down like Dikembe Mutombo.
–Enron ran the sideline to the end line more than once… once as dummy half. He didn’t attempt the try but passed for a teammate to score… this caused great controversy and YHC has still not figured out if it was legal.
–Safety Valve was awarded 1/3 of a point for kicking the ball into the top of an oak tree.
–Cardinal and Lil Cuz caught on quickly and by halftime (there was one?) they actually looked like rugby players.
–Goose and Paradox showcased a rivalry not seen since Deion Sanders and Jerry Rice.
–Yankee Jeaux played with effortless confidence, shouting down the opposition with, “I wouldn’t recommend it” in a voice that was at once Michael Caine and also the “seats taken” kid from Forrest Gump.
–Popeye lived offsides, realizing that creating mayhem was more fun.
–Pope is fast.
7:30 came way too soon and we moseyed back to the flags.COT.
As the PAX lamented the (hopefully temporary) loss of Animal, Gigi, and The Fleece, YHC remembered he had an old practice jersey in the truck, and made a game-time decision to award it to “most competitive.”
(“Most competitive” and “biggest cheater” are actually the identical award, with the former being a member of one’s own team, and the latter being an opponent.)Cardinal prayed us out.
Thanks for coming out my dudes. As always, I hope the fun outweighed the confusion.
SYITG,
America’s BestAB Sees:
An opportunity to ramble and reflect.This beatdown started as a tribute to my past, a swan song to my inner Uncle Rico. But it became a celebration of the present and future. The number 47 became significant to me 30 years ago, and I began see it everywhere… and I don’t just think it’s the Baader–Meinhof phenomenon. (If you need to know what that is, please see Dox, as I’d wager he’s already on the third page of his Google search results by now).
So I always hoped that the age 47 would bring something meaningful. . .Eleanor Roosevelt said, “The past is history, the future is a mystery, but today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present.”
But Michael Jordan more eloquently said, “The ceiling is the roof.” Really makes you think. Perhaps the most profound thought, however, comes from 20th century philosopher William Madison, who said, “… the puppy was a dog. But the industry, my friends, that was a revolution.”Where am I going with this? I have no idea.
But I bid adieu to the past with this soon-to-be famous quote: “To everyone who wrote ‘stay cool’ in my middle school yearbook, I have some devastating news.”And the future? Well, in the past, the future was so bright, we had to wear shades.
But that future is now the present. And now my future’s not so much bright as it is blurry, so I have to wear prescription multifocal lenses.So the present, it is a gift. Thanks to all of you for being a part of this extraordinary gift of F3 that came in my 47th year.
-
Disaster on Grass about the Miracle on Ice, by Coyote – from Goose
Thankfully, no mosquitoes tormented the Pax & YHC as we started the beatdown with the normal warmups. But what wasn’t normal was when YHC called “A skips.” No one but Pope and YHC could get the skip part down, so at what we thought was number thirteen, YHC had to call an untuned Halt and we switched to high knees & butt kicks.
YHC explained that YHC doesn’t go to weekday beatdowns, so February 24, 2024, was going to be about February 22, 1980, the Miracle on Ice.
A quick mosey to the field by bayou road, YHC explained that the US hockey team, a group of nobody college students at the time, beat the best team in the world, the unstoppable Soviet Union, 4-3. YHC asked a few questions about the event, and the Pax answered both correctly, the prize being four burpees. YHC then said how the US’s coach, Herb Brooks, said, “I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to be your coach.” He said he would work his team HARD. So YHC said he would work the Pax HARD. We started simple, three suicide runs across the field. Then we got into it.
First, Vladimir Krutov scored, so we spelled Krutov in alphabet form, spelling the words with our legs down on our six. What came after was to come in between every single goal: we ran another suicide run and did three burpees. YHC said that if the US scored, we would do four burpees, and if the Soviets scored, we would do three. We continued to do this, spelling the last names of Buzz Schneider, Sergei Makarov, Mark Johnson, Aleksander Maltsev, Mark Johnson again, and Mike Eruzione. (Doing twenty one-is-one Goofballs for the soviet coach’s dumb switch from the best goalie in the world to his backup in between Mark Johnson’s first goal and Aleksander Maltsev.)
After Mike Eruzione’s famous goal, we did twenty one-is-one genuflections for the famous picture of the failed block. We played the last minute of the event, doing mission impossible plank because of how impossible it was. Then we did the normal exercises to thunderstruck because of how thunderstruck the soviets were. The song cut short twice, so we just played the hillbilly version. We played a song called Victory because of the US’s victory. During the entire song, we held Al Gore, doing various leg exercises on YHC’s call. We straggled back to the flag, beaten down hard. The number of Pax was second place overall for most PAX at a beatdown, twenty strong. Animal went to Cardinal for his amazing, attention-getting shoes. That capped off the Disaster on Grass about the Miracle on Ice. -
Life is Tough, so Persevere – from Lil Cuz
YHC woke up to the sounds of thunder and lightning hoping it was closer to midnight than it was to 6am, but upon looking at the phone to assure me it was hours before we would be heading to the Peltch the phone read 5 minutes till alarm time. Not good…the weather would surely ruin any plans to listen to music through what would prove to be a daunting beatdown and the quiet would only add to the despair. Heading to the Peltch did not yield any better result as the rain continued to pour down all it had and YHC drove up to only one other car waiting in the parking lot. More cars started to arrive but each waited in their car as if they did not want to start the painful and miserable process about to begin.
This start ended up being a perfect metaphor for the theme of today’s beatdown and Yankee Jeaux added to the hype with his own epic backblast as he spoke oh so eloquently, he is going to be a Dr. you know, about the path we are all on. How sometimes it seems we are not making progress but if we look back we can see how far we have actually come. This backblast was so good it was turned into hype for the next days beatdown as it applied to the theme. We push through life one day at a time and even one step at a time some days as we persevere through it all. YHC has been reflecting on the Armour of God: truth, righteousness and perseverance. We are called to persevere through life by relying on God and in this case on our brothers alongside us. We see them continuing along the path and this pushes us to continue as well. To persevere through difficulties we didn’t think were possible to overcome before, but we are lifted up by the guys around us in shared suffering to make ourselves better. Better for our wives, our children and our overall community. To do this, we have to put on our Armour of God and prepare for War.
But first, we had to endure some shared suffering, YHC had forgotten his phone back at the truck so sprinted back to get it and the PAX did an assortment of exercises that in no way looked uniform. As if an army not yet trained for battle…
Pre-Thang: Struggler by Brother Isaiah
Side Straddle Hops for duration and a Burpee for each variation of struggle, struggling or struggler. This song lulls you into a false sense of strength and security but leads to a world of asking “when will this struggle end?” All the while, teaching you “every good thing is born of a struggle.”
The MAIN THANG:
The PAX would split into teams and throw 4 axes for points. This would determine the winner of the match; the loser would endure more suffering as a result. The target was set 15 feet away and the scoring is as follows: the black area (which is basically just hitting the board at all) would count as 1 point. The next ring is blue and would count as 2 points, then red as 3 points, and the final bullseye yellow for 4 points.
Teams were as follows:
Team 1:
Cardinal
Paradox
Goose
DukeTeam 2:
America’s Best
Pope
Lil’ Cuz
Coyote / PikachuRd 1 Axe Battle:
Team 1: 1
Team 2: 0
With some very errant throws undoubtedly affected by the 45 mph winds. It was a hurricane folks, nothing to see here.Round 1 Training:
PAX begin with 20 merkins for the winner, and 25 for the losers
Then a roughly 1/8 mile jog around the baseball field back to the thunderdome.
Then 20 squats for the winners, and 25 for the losers.
Bear Crawl around the thunderdome.
20 Merkins for the winners, 25 for the losers.
Roughly 1/8th mile around the baseball fields
20 Squats for the winners, 25 for the losers.
Lunge Walk around the Thunderdome.This was originally planned to be done at the Track, but EDW has locked every sneaky entrance we have found into this beloved new field and track establishment that the riff raff is no longer allowed to use. So we improvised by using the ever fitting “Thunder” dome as the rain continued to pour.
Rd 2 Axe Battle:
Everyone was losers with not one axe hitting the target. Horrible display from all, especially YHC who may or may not have spent hours the previous weekend working on technique.Round 2:
This round followed almost the same as round one but the exercises were mountain climbers and leg raises. All did 35 reps as no team won this round. While jogging along around the baseball field YHC noticed a strange fellow sneaking behind a tree, “What could that man be doing?” I wondered. As YHC got closer it appeared he was urinating all over God’s green Earth in front of God and everybody albeit trying to hide behind the smallest tree he could find. This man shall remain nameless but maybe should be on a list somewhere.Rd 3 Axe Battle:
Team 1: 0 from 15 ft
Team 2: 0 from 15 ftTeam 1: 4 from 10 ft
Team 2: 3 from 10 ftRound 3:
Followed the same exercises as Round 1 but due to time we called after/on the second round of jogging. Packed up our stuff and moseyed in the puddles back to the flag while being serenaded by AB’s impeccable Scottish (or maybe Irish) accent. He said stuff the whole way back but no one knows exactly what he said, as in true Scottish (or maybe Irish) fashion.
COT, and Dox prayed us out.
Thankful to be back to leading this group and looking forward to more suffering and perseverance in the future.
Philippians 4:13
SYITG,
Lil’ Cuz
-
How The Goose Stole PAXmas, Vol. 2 – from Yankee Joe
Following the PAXville beatdown this morning, Goose and Popeye were discussing mental toughness. That point where you are up against the wall, begging for the pain to end…for someone to save you. Popeye commented, “Well, it’s got to end at some point.” Through the endorphins kicking and my legs destroyed by humping monkeys, I was reminded of a similar sentiment.
In 2014, Admiral William H. McRaven, a Navy Seal, delivered a commencement speech at The University of Texas. No doubt, many of you are familiar with it. Adm. McRaven shared 10 lessons he learned from BUDS training, considered the most grueling trials the military has to offer. He shared these as advice to help the young graduates “change the world.” If you haven’t watched it, you should. The link is below.
All of the lessons are relatable to civilian life, but it was #10 that most stood out to me. The lesson discussed a brass bell that hung in the center of the BUDS training facility, visible to all of the candidates.
McRaven said, “All you have to do to quit is ring the bell.
Ring the bell, and you no longer have to wake up at five o’clock.
Ring the bell and you no longer have to be in the freezing cold swims.
Ring the bell and you no longer have to do the runs, the obstacle course, the PT, and you no longer have to endure the hardships of training.
All you have to do is ring the bell to get out.
If you want to change the world, DON’T EVER, EVER RING THE BELL.”
——————–Without hesitation, each of you, the Men of F3 Thibodaux, personify this idea. And perhaps none more than our stalwart Goose. F3 has a term, “IM3,” which is a Man’s statement to the PAX that “I AM THIRD.” The idea of ‘living third’ means that as men, we deliberately place ourselves third behind God and our Community (including our families).
When I started F3, it was about ME. I needed to get in shape. I needed an outlet. I needed to fit into my pants. I needed to make friends…like real adult, male friends.
I needed…something.
I believe Goose’s vision of F3 teaches us that those needs, while they may be important, only matter when they are pursued by virtue of servant leadership. As men, there can be no greater call than to love God through serving our families and our community.
In this light, ‘never ringing the bell’ is not about working through our own pain, nor is it about serving our own needs. Rather, it is a decision to put our oxygen mask on first before assisting others.
Our strength comes not from ‘Man Makers’, Goblet Squats, or Thrusters (well maybe for Wet Tap). By ringing the bell, we would give up on far more than just ourselves. The stakes are too high. It’s an awesome and terrifying charge.
Of course, no man can do it alone, and that is where God and each of you come in. Every beatdown, every exercise, every rep, every prayer…I am surrounded by humble warriors who REFUSE to quit. Not for your own sakes, but for the call you CHOSE to answer.
Goose, you are the definition of a servant leader. It would be impossible to describe the impact you have had on so many of us (cardboard cutouts of your likeness not excluded). Besides…your humility wouldn’t tolerate the praise anyway.
Instead, I’ll just say, thank you. Thank you from all of us…for never, EVER ringing the bell.
——————–
Last Stanzas from Today’s Story:
“Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their familyThough – from the HEART of the BayoU, he soon will move on
In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll still carry on.
Merry Christmas!
SYITG,
Yankee Jeaux
——————–
The Ridiculous Beatdown
Warmarama
SSHs
Abe Vigodas (slow windmills) – Prancer is a terrible movie, btw.
Arm circles
Squats
Imperial Squat Walkers
Self Love
Shark hops
Partners
Mosey to baseball field, bring coupons——————–
Tribute to Anker (For Unto Us a Child Is Born – Handel)
“For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace” (Isaiah 9:6).
Burpees on: Son, Child, Wonderful, Counselor, God, Father, Prince of Peace (approx. 43 burpees)
Thang 1: Goose Training Camp
– Narration #1 (this was far toooo long)
Dora’s
– P1 runs
– P2 J’Lo’s, Plank Jacks, Mountain Climbers, chilcutt peter parkers
– Flapjack
– Four sets
Mosey to playgroundRoof Crawling Practice
– P1 bear crawl to other side of hill; at bottom, 20 derkins; traverse the apparatus, go down the slide, mosey back to partner
– P2 does Genuflects
– Flapjack
Mosey to PAXville——————–
Thang 2: The Looting of Paxville
– Narration #2
House 1 – “Smooth Like Honey(suckle)” Home of the Smoothie Sting
– AMRAP
– P1 Nur to cone, sprint back
– P2 monkey humpers
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab WalkHouse 2 – “Dr. and Mr. Owens”
– AMRAP
– Man Makers
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab WalkHouse 3 – “St. Cardinal Co-Cathedral and Coffee Co.”
– AMRAP
– T – BOMBs (start in crab position, legs out together, legs apart, legs out together, back to crab position
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab WalkHouse 4 – “La Casa Drogas de Tana”
– AMRAP
– Pickleball volley
– 2 burpees on every dropped ballHouse 5 – “EnRon We (Don’t) Trust”
– AMRAP
– Thrusters
– MOT – Bear Crawl or Crab WalkHouse 6 – “Eye Candy Captains, LLC” Safety First, America’s Worst
– AMRAP
– The Jurp (by 10’s) – bet you can’t do more than three
– Speed squats, Merkins, Mtn Climbers, Jump squats, LBCs——————–
Thang 3: Back to the Goose cave
– P2 rides P1, flapjack at halfway point
– Return to start, P2 rides P1 like a donkey, flapjack at halfway point
– Sprint to Goose cave (Peltch Treehouse)——————–
Thang 4: Paxmas came anyway
– Narration #3
– Sprint back to PAXville and Goose returns PAX giftsGoose returns presents to the Pax
– F3 Thib – 4th Wave (Class of 2023) – Black paint coupons
– F3 Thib – 3rd Wave – Black and Maroon coupons
– F3 Thib 2nd Wave – Black, Gold, and/or Maroon Coupons
OG’s – Black and White with Gold trim Coupons
Goose – White, Black and Gold CouponCOT and Cardinal prayed us out
——————–
How The Goose Stole PAXmas
Narration #1 How the Goose Stole Paxmas!
Every Pax down in Paxville liked PAXmas a lot
But the Goose who lived just up the bayou, did not!The Goose hated PAXmas! The whole PAXmas season!
Now, please don’t ask why. Pope’s athletic prowess prolly the reason.It could be because Goose hated the cold.
It could be because, like his truck, he was too old.But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was that his heart, like Dox’s Mudgear shorts, was three sizes too small.But, whatever the reason, his heart or his arthritis ,
He stood there on PAXmas Eve ISI’ing just to spite usHe stared down from the Stage with an indignant, head tilting view
At the warm lighted windows along Lafourche BayouFor he knew every Pax down in Paxville below
Was busy posting stupid GIF’s and jammin’ to Bieber’s Mistletoe.He thought of Paradox and his wife who’s a doctor
Dox claims to be one too which shamefully mocks her.He thought of the drugs Montana be slingin’
And he shuddered at the bad cadence that he always be bringin’The Goose remembered the Goats and some random machine
That dude showed up for a month, never again to be seenThen there was Cardinal, whoop sales-man of the cloth
But watch him fake burpees, his sins point to sloth
But he’s a priest with no equal, becoming a Bishop is next
But God help you, oh good Lawd help you if you send a green text.Wet Tap jump squatting with coupons, that’s what real men did
He never got the memo – that Jurptober had ended.He thought of Lil’ Cuz, bald head shiny like the sea
That neck like a tree trunk, like Treebeard with Gris Gris
A patriot among patriots, you’ll oft hear him decree
“This is ‘Merica, Jack…Yee Yee!”He reflected on Superfun(d) and his posts that were laggin’
But Fun(d) redeemed himself fully, naming Jeaux’s Prius the Douche Wagon.In a similar way, Fence Post showed up in stints,
But without any postin’, we’ll just call him ‘Fence’He hated the youngsters who thought they were wicked SMAAHHT
But Shart-’eh got more than he bargained for…
that time he tried to FAAHHTGoldilox with calves as big as your head
He’s a really nice guy — all the PAX said
But when the three bears tried to scare him out of the bed
Lox made a rug out of Papa Bear instead.The Goose said good riddance to ‘Ol Paradiddle;
He’s a drummer, remember…F3 was fourth fiddle.
But woe to those who judge, you’ll make The Saturdiddle List
Beware three inch running shorts with a mustache emerging from the mist.He tolerated Kilo and his twelve different ve-HICLES
He loathed Picadilly’s balls and Tana’s subsequent pickles
With falafels in the kitchen and the cross court dinkin’
Piccadilly’s doing Pickle Pounders for his bio on LinkedInThen there’s Safety Valve and Honeysuckle whose beatdowns we dread
They both claim to love you then play Christopher Cross instead.
With the nurring, burping, and merking, they leave us for dead
Imagine a Suckle – Valve twofer —
hey, that’s what she said.But what about Smooth, always working the night shift
After pickle pounders with Kilmer, we thought he might drift
Instead he’s founding AO’s, he’s def here to stay
The tougher the challenge, the more you’ll hear….OhhhKAYYYY!Goose considered Popeye, an OG of OG’s
Juicy like the chicken, played out like Drew Brees
Post hernia operation, F3’s ‘Welcome Back Cotter’
I’m sure whining about his scar, just like Harry Potter.Enron, he mused, seemed to always face the worst
With his lack of rhythm and tendonitis that he constantly nursed
But those are just the reasons, second and first
For two SV500’s, he picked Pukee Jeaux –
he HAS to be cursed.
Speaking of Yankee Jeaux and his phonetics so fine,
Did you know LILLICK is actually pronounced LIL-ITCH
Then Ronnie – SCHREIT NEIN!STOP—————————————————————————–
Narration #2 Before Lazy Dora in Paxville
“And they’re hanging their stockings,” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is PAXmas! It’s practically here!”Then he growled, with his Goose fingers nervously drumming,
As he sat on the toilet nervously humming
Then he said, “I must find a way to keep PAXmas from coming!”“For, tomorrow, I know that ALL the PAX men
Will wake bright and early and rush to the Den.”“And then the GroupMe posts! Oh, the posts! posts! posts! posts!
There’s one thing I hate! It’s all the posts! But That I hate the most.”It wasn’t just the abysmal GIF game that rankled his chest
But also the old fart snark from America’s Best.
This dude rolled up to a PAX of F3
WIth Dad jokes, an electric truck and, an alleged hurt knee
Then he said, “Wait, wait there’s more –
I LOVE an extraneous JurPEE.Not to be outdone, the reigning king of the “No Show”
French Horn, apparently hornless, has no horn to blow.
True, his 80’s knowledge is well beyond measure
His ability to use ‘Bruhhhh’ in every sentence?
Well that’s the real treasure.So the Goose sat there honking…
“And they’ll mumble! And mumble! And they’ll chatter! Chatter! Chatter!”
And the more the Goose thought of the Pax PAXmas Chatter,
The more the Goose thought,
“Is it me or am I getting fatter?”“Why for forty-one years I’ve put up with it now!
I must stop PAXmas from coming! But how?”Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Goose got a wonderful, condescending, self righteous idea!“I know just what to do!” The Goose laughed with a frown.
“I’ll destroy all their dreams with a TuesdayTuff beatdown.”“I’ll steal F3 PAXmas, there’s no limit to how far I’ll stoop
I’ll even find a way to kill that stupid [bleep] Whoop.”“What a great Goosey TRICK!” he mumbled with snarls
I’ll do a Bleep Test…you know, like a…DICK-ENS – comma – Charles!”STOP ——————————————————–
Narration #3 Redemption Arc
It was quarter of dawn. And the Pax still a-slumber,
Hangovers en route from Enron and Wet Tap’s Jucifer tumbler.He took their presents, their headbands, and even their rucksacks,
He scoffed at their cadence, lame excuses and fartsacks!Ten thousand feet up – up the side of Mount Tana
He ran like an addict on AstraZeneca manna.“Pooh-pooh to the Pax!” he was goosily humming.
“They’re finding out now that no PAXmas is coming!”“They’re just waking up! I know just how it will go.
Shamefully hitting snooze one time, maybe mo’
And They’ll kick and they’ll yell from ceiling to the flo’
Then they’ll see there’s no PAXmas, not even an AO.”“That’s a noise,” grinned the Goose, “that I simply must hear!”
He paused, and the Goose put a hand to his ear.And he did hear a sound rising over the swamp.
It started out slow, then it started to stomp.But this sound was NOT, no it was not getting madder!
Why, this sound sounded joyful – it sounded like chatter!What was this incredible sound, sounding deep from the gut,
Well Lil’ John asked Paradox the same question,
“Turn down for What?”Every Pax down in Paxville, the tall and the small,
Was posting for a PAXmas beatdown – super tight shorts and all!He hadn’t stopped PAXmas from coming! It came!
After having ten kids, it came just the same!And the Goose, with his Goose feet paced to and fro,
Stood puzzling and puzzling. “How could it be so?“It came without coupons! It came without rucksacks!
It came without backblasts, Kool Jobs, or pinched nutsacks!”He honked and honked till his honker was sore.
Then the Goose thought of something he hadn’t before.Maybe F3 doesn’t only come from beatdowns – or a backblast word.
Maybe F3, just perhaps – means humility, servant leadership, striving to live third!And what happened then? Well, in Paxville they say
The side vents on Goose’s short shorts grew three sizes that day!From that day forth, Goose built out his legacy;
Teaching men where they should stand, behind God and their familyThough – from the HEART of the BayoU, he – soon – will – move – on
In PAXville – the HEART of the Goose Q, we’ll – still – carry – on.
A Very Merry Christmas to Everyone!
-
In The Beginning, There Was Only The Gloom – from Yankee Joe
Excerpt taken from the recently discovered “Dead Peltch Scrolls”
1 In the beginning, Goose created the Gloom. 2 Now the Gloom was formless and in his backyard, darkness was over the Settlement at Live Oak, and the annoyance of Kate was hovering over the mudgear.
3 And Goose said, “Let there be suffering,” and there was suffering. 4 Goose saw that the suffering was good, and he separated the suffering from the misery. 5 Goose called the suffering “growth,” and the misery he called “being a bitch.”
And there was posting, and there was COT—the first beatdown.
6 And Goose said, “Let there be an AO to separate PAX from PAX.” 7 So Goose made the AO and separated the PAX from the NOLA AO from the PAX down the bayou. And it was so. 8 Goose called the AO “F3 Thibodaux.”
And there was posting, and there was COT—the second beatdown.
9 And Goose said, “Let the AO under F3 Thibodaux be gathered to one place, and let a real AO – that’s not my backyard – be found.” And it was so. 10 Goose called the dry ground “The Stage,” and the gathered PAX he called “HIMS.” And Goose saw that it was good.
11 Then Goose said, “Let The Stage produce pain: picnic tables, wet grass, and moseying routes according to their various kinds.” And it was so. 12 And Goose saw that it was good.
13 And there was posting, and there was COT—the third beatdown
14 And Goose said, “Let there be music to separate the pain from the pain, and let the music serve as signs to mark sacred songs such as Thunderstruck, various sea shanties, and Peaches.” And it was so.
16 Goose made the music come from a magic box—the greater magic box he called Anker and the lesser magic box he called JBL. He also made many farts. 17 Goose played the music to force others to do hundreds of burpees. And Goose saw that it was good.
19 And there was posting, and there was COT—the fourth beatdown.
20 And Goose said, “Let the beatdowns teem with mumblechatter, and let the smack talk ring out across the vault of the sky.” 21 So Goose created the GroupMe and showed the PAX how to use GIFs to communicate directly and passive aggressively. And Goose saw that it was good.
22 Goose blessed the Chatter, “Be relentless with each other. Write about the beatdowns in prose in order to leave delicious easter eggs about the shortcomings of your brethren.”
23 And there was posting, and there was COT—the fifth beatdown.
24 And Goose said, “Let the land produce living creatures according to their kinds: the stray dogs, the red ants that move along the ground, and the wild woman carrying laundry baskets, each according to its kind.” And it was so. 25 And Goose saw that it was good.
26 Then Goose said to Pope, “Let us find more crazy people like us, so that they may post in the heat and in the cold, and find ways to do LBC’s in ant piles.” 27 So Goose cast out looking for men like him; men as shit can crazy as he was, he looked for them. Laymen and men of the cloth, he searched for them.
28 When Goose found them, he said “Make sure to EH and increase in number; convince your wives this is not a cult. Wear short sleeves when it is 30 degrees, dedicate old running shoes to be F3 shoes, buy overpriced F3 gear to fit in more easily.
29 Then Goose said, “I give you authority to design any beatdown with any theme, any type of exercises, anything that will create suffering. Remember that you were not created for comfort. You don’t deserve to be comfortable. 30 And I give you GroupMe and Backblasts in order to destroy each other, while celebrating your brothers.” And it was so.
31 Goose saw all that he had made, and it was goosetastic. And there was posting, and there was COT—the sixth beatdown.
Thus F3 Thiboduax was founded, all of its glory stretching from Bourg to Houma to the St. John HOA in its vast array.
2 By the seventh beatdown, Goose had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh beatdown he did man makers. 3 Then Goose recruited Cardinal, and in one of the first beatdowns that posted more pax than just goslings the location wasn’t even Thibodaux.
————————————
YHC had planned to create an award ceremony beatown for the BYITG Challenge. However, as the three year manniversary came a few days earlier and in the midst of the PAX dropping their favorite memories, it seemed appropriate to continue the mosey down memory lane. Butttt…as I think about it, I’m now realizing that Goose on a few occasions, knowing my intent, made subtle comments about the three year manniversary. I changed the theme the night before to be a continuation of celebrating F3 memories. How does he do it? I swear it’s Jedi mind tricks. I’m Toydarian…what is this power?
So…F3 memories. I asked Goose for some old beatdowns and thangs. He sent me the famed Grand Isle beatdown that had roped Cardinal into his FNG appearance. More on that in a bit. There were some hilarious stories, including how YHC argued with Enron about his own last name. He said it was pronounced “Lillick” – no ch sound. I said, “noooo…that’s not right…” Enron said it was of German heritage. I said it was most likely Spanish. Even now, I cringe when I think about it.
The debate went on for a few minutes, everyone that was present, absolutely dumbfounded by the fact that I would tell a 35 year old man he didn’t know how to pronounce his own last name. To publicly show my acquiescence and humble myself in ridiculous fashion, YHC wore his authentic lederhosen to the Q. It would turn out to be a very bad move for a beatdown. Like running 10 miles with a nutcracker attached to the front of your shorts.
—————————————–
Thang 1: The Solo Goose
Throughout the day on the manniversary, several PAX mentioned their experience with a solo Goose. YHC also shared this experience. It was awful. I almost never came back. It was amazing. In most cases, save the occasional Ace and Gary Q, a Goose favorite was a Lazy Dora. That said, not all PAX have had this once in a lifetime journey into the depths of coupon hell. It’s like swimming with Jar Jar in a small pond that somehow turns into a vast ocean.
To share the love, PAX partnered up for a quasi Lazy Dora with 50 thrusters, 50 man makers, and 100 OHP’s. Partner 1 did the coupon work, while Partner 2 bear crawled to marker (12 yards) and crab walked back. Flapjack. The kicker was that Goose, in a 10-minute window, had to spend roughly 30 seconds one on one with each PAX, either doing coupon work or joining a PAX in a bear crawl/crab walk. Everyone got a solo Goose. Most of us are now far more informed about form. Did you know there was a narrow and wide edge on a coupon?
——————————–
Thang 2: Seven Memories
Memory 1: “This is for the birds”
After taking Cardinal through the beatdown, which that day was the 14 Stations of the Cross (We only had time for 7), Cardinal, in his unparalleled bedside manner (when it comes to sweating and technology), kindly remarked to Goose, “This is for the birds.”
To commemorate this moment, the PAX did 90 seconds of brick butterfly squats. Here, they flapped their extended wings up as they squatted down, flapped their wings down as they stood up out of the squat, while holding bricks. One minute in, the first rumblings of awareness began to emerge…a 90 second exercise sprint seemed to last longer than expected.
We sprinted 200 yards, bricks in hand…
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Memory 2: Here’s to Treeroot
As F3 Thibodaux began to approach the Open Era, the second and arguably most pivotal draft class exploded onto the scene. PAX such as Popeye, Enron, CuttThroat, Elmer’s, GI Joe, Paradiddle, and others, there were a lot of FNGs who posted…and then quicly faded into the trees. One such PAX was named Treeroot. During a run last year, Enron inquired about whatever happened to Treeroot. This became the descriptor for the phenomenon of ‘showing then ghosting’ from then on.
90 seconds of tempo squat BOTH ways and arms extended straight up with bricks…you know like a tree growing slowly, branches out. However, it was clear that the PAX were more like crepe myrtles, “growing” quite fast and essentially voiding every single Jurp completed during the BYITG challenge. As such, Horn may have actually been a top scorer.
Sprint 200 yards, bricks in hand…
————————–Memory 3: You get a hernia, you get a hernia, EVERYBODY gets a hernia
One of the OG’s, Popeye, by all accounts started his F3 tenure strong, regularly posting and raising the bar. However, due to a series of burpee laded Goose beatdowns, he got himself a nice hernia, which required surgery. He was on injured reserve for over a year, before staging what the critics are calling the greatest comeback in F3 Nation history. Of course, he would tell you not to call it a comeback. Yes, yes…you got it. He’s been here for years.
To honor this achievement, we did 90 seconds of hernia inducing V-Ups with bricks in hand. Again, it became very clear, very quickly, that of the total 8,799 V-Ups completed during the BYITG, most likely only 392 actually counted…all belonging to Pope.
Sprint 200 yards, bricks in hand…
————————————-Memory 4: The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen…
Paradox likes to tell a story that while Goose was away on retreat, and having just returned from 30A himself (Paradox), he introduced combo warm-ups such as front arm circle stationary lunges. Upon return from the retreat, Goose reportedly said, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen…in my life.
YHC disagrees. The dumbest thing I’ve ever seen was introduced to the PAX by Goose last year, in which one would do a burpee, complete three merkins, and finish the burpee into three jump squats. It’s a real doozy, Clark.
90 seconds of Goose Burpees with three merkin and three jump squats…these were too hard for YHC to observe anything else going on except how his soldier boi’s were being squat jumped in his tight lederhosen.
Sprint 200 yards with no bricks…
———————————–Memory 5: The Inner Circle
When a man begins F3, he goes through a honeymoon phase, connecting deeply with the other PAX, pushing harder than probably ever in his life, noticing that his body is going through some changes, and realizing that he can make adult friends after all…maybe.
As such, you let your guard down and let yourself get close. You believe you are progressing through layers of hierarchy, ever inching toward the real inner circle. However, the minute you feel like you’ve made it, you get punched in the crotch and informed that your green texts aren’t welcomed here. Some call you Cactus Jack for almost a month, while your Spanish proficiency is questioned. It’s an emotional roller coaster…one day you’re basking in the warmth of friendship, the next, you’re being kicked out of iMessage groups.
Like interpretive dance, YHC can best explain the phenomenon by the following:
For 90 seconds, PAX starts in the outer circle, then bear crawl in/alligator merkin toward the inner circle. Once you get there, crawl bear back out to despair and scorn.
Sprint 200 yards with no bricks…
————————————-Memory 6: Diddle Giggle Farts
Recently, YHC had to go out of town and America’s Best graciously agreed to step into his first Peltch Q. It is safe to say that of the two, AB brought the A. Already ensconced in F3 Thibodaux lore, the German bards will sing of the “brewpons” beatdown for years to come. In one of the exercises, PAX doing WW3 sit ups (BBS with Coupon OHP at top) to some German music, Diddle ripped one right on Goose’s head. As would be expected, the giggling began, and like Sir Didymus and Ambrosius running across the Bog of Eternal Stench, the mini farts came with every sit up/giggle.
In hopes of replicating this experience, the PAX did 90 seconds of WW3 sit-ups with brick OHP’s. What the PAX didn’t know was that YHC had queued up wet fart sounds on the Spotify playlist…easily BAPS’ greatest moment in his life.What happened over the next 90 seconds will go down as YHC’s best memories of all time. Once the wet fart sounds began, 16 grown men, nearly half of which were over 40, could barely complete the situps because they were giggling so hard. YHC quite literally couldn’t catch his breath.
Sprint 200 yards, bricks in hand…
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Memory 7: Kilmer
One of YHC’s fondest Q memories was when Kilmer DRing from Winston Salem, joined the PAX at The Stage. He was a character to say the least, a gentleman in his late 50’s. He talked a special brand of trash that he was more than welcome to take back to Winston Salem. Toward the end of the beatdown, the PAX was doing a ton of pickle pounders.
Now, don’t get me wrong…pounders are conducive to melodramatic grunting from even the strongest core, but Kilmer…mannn…it was downright unnerving. It was like the sound you would hear from a mating walrus mixed with…I dunno…yodeling. It was loud. It was weird. It was a bit nasty.
Smooth, who was pounding next to him and perhaps in his first few weeks of F3 showed no signs of distress, but you could see him slowly inching away with each pickle pounder rep, looking like he had been scandalized. Fortunately for us, Smooth came back and is now ingrained into the very fabric of F3 Thib.
The PAX did 90 seconds of pickle pounders with instructions to gunt loudly, but appropriately considering the presence of 2.0’s.
Sprint 200 yards, no bricks…
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With two minutes left, YHC offered up another great F3 moment with Coyote as the protagonist. About 12 PAX attended the NOLA convergence last year. With nearly 100 men in a circle, F3 Thibodaux dropped a Thunderstruck burpee exercise. UNFORTUNATELY, JBL did not get the memo. The volume couldn’t carry, men were getting restless. Then out of the foggy shadows, Coyote sprinted to the middle of the circle and put on what is surely the greatest air guitar performance of all time. 100 men LOVED every second of it. Coyote is legend.
We did two minutes of burpee Thunderstruck and moseyed back to the flag.
COT and Cardinal prayed us out.
Cafeteria followed, and the PAX were treated to Safety Valve’s nitrous oxide cold brew. It. Was. DELICIOUS!
Just another great memory in a list of great memories. I loved every minute of this beatdown because we got to celebrate each other with humor, chatter, and flatulence.
SYITG,
Yankee Jeaux
