F3 New Orleans

Tag: Safety Valve

  • Year in Review 2024: The Ghost of Backblast Past – from Paradox

    Whether you call it Twixmas, Feral Week, or the official week of the automated email , the window of December 25th-January 1 is a great period for quality family time , limited use of pants, and for ignoring nutritional facts. (Even if your Payday has 7g of protein).

    Naturally paired with this season is a look back on the good, bad and ugly of your previous year. And that’s where we’ll start as YHC also needs to issue this backblast as a mea culpa for several missed blasts through the year. Swept up in the undertow of work and diapers were more than a few half written works that just didn’t seem to have enough bowel movements in the day to finish.

    Of course I could pile the excuses higher than the pampers tower in YHCs garage but the burden remains and if the men of F3 thib have taught me anything then it’s how to get back up when the tubs of life truly starts thumping you down. Ergo, we must trudge forth! Like Pliny the Younger providing the only account of Vesuvius, who would tell ABs grandkids about the Christmas miracle ?
    Or like Aristodemus, spared from the final battle of Thermopylae to document those slain, someone must record the heroes of Danger Valve Mondays. Concordantly, this document is my 2024 last stand. To prevail against the waves of procrastination, flares of irritable bowels and all other reasons YHCs blasts went to Apple notes purgatory this year.

    Objectives for this beatdown/blast were ambitious. YHC needed to recognize a tremendous year from our pax and highlight a few glossed over diamonds in the tuff, and to do it all in one big greasy beatdown/blast omelette. You won’t even need mushrooms and salsa to stomach this egg vehicle Senor Mitchell. This behemoth is chocked full of the events, schisms, airport flatulence, franchises, hoosker do’s, hoosker don’ts , 17 different light rock alternatives, wearables, whistling kitty chasers and all of those secret sauces of 2024 F3 Thib that make this group of uncultured hooligans my valued brothers.

    Duke!!
    It’s the Year in Review !!
    Roll that beautiful footage pup.

    10 Tuesday Tuffians were mostly assembled as YHC arrived in a thicc gloom with near perfect beatdown weather. Cool enough for sans mosquitoes but not so chilly that a spray paint crop top would make you uncomfortable ya know, and YHC did know.

    Standard issue warmups with the ever growing detestable schism of slow knee heretics blatantly disregarding the call for “high knees” and instead doing the invasive species “slow high knees”. Like a useless pond grass the south port variant continues its spread, choking the life from more useful warms ups in our precious ecosystem. It’s a slippery slope to power walking fellas, it’s all I’m trying to say. Next it’s “there’s no jump on the burpee” then “Shakira shimmies” for merkins. Before long, once the estrogen levels get high enough, we’ll have a bear problem….(see anchorman et al 2004) …(and look this beatdown needed atleast one bah humbug or I couldn’t maintain the Dickens vibe ok)

    YHC persevered through the mutiny and Wet Tap reduced the tension by reminiscing of misspent youth in Lafayette night clubs. We put a Bumper Mosey bow on it and it was show time.

    YHC wanted to recap the year and one theme seemed recurrent and prominent in my reflections on 2024. Through the joys, sorrows, and everyday grind, in the ups and downs of family life , the sick 2.0s, the injuries , the beauty of new life and pain of lost loved ones. In all those things, God was, is and wants to be truly with us.

    YHC will now attempt to go full Jacob Marley as we fly through 2024 and see the beatdowns of past, present and future.

    In January God was with us in the known and unknown.

    On 1/7/24 Americas Best sparked a trivia revolution with his bd “everybody’s an expert”. YHC remembers running rich man’s loop as he asked us a deep question: “what is one category we know better than the rest”. YHC thought it was a prank and initially answered something like “statefair corndogs” only to realize the remaining pax all gave real heartfelt answers. Finally Cardinal, in his wisdom, suggested a chance I might know antibiotics. How thoughtful.
    When we returned to the stage AB weaponized our strengths (and Pride) against us to reinforce a very cool fact. We all kinda know 1-2 things really well but clearly there’s a vast ocean of facts out there we can humbly claim ignorance to and enjoy the process of learning.

    So to honor this amazing gift we unveiled …
    Rapid Fire AB trivia

    Correct – 7 coupon plank jacks
    Incorrect 7 coupon merks

    #1
    If yogurt and sweet potato had a baby they might produce ABs favorite traditional Polynesian food made from the Taro root.
    (Poi)

    Honeysuckle remembered the runny 3 finger poi as his favorite blend.

    #

    2ABs least favorite breakfast food- (omelette)

    Pope with the immediate answer.

    #3
    When AB first moved to Thibodaux his first job as an optometrist made him smell like fresh Tires. Where was that job? (Sam’s Club)

    Goose struggled with this one a bit but battled to produce Walmart which YHC awarded half credit. This is a great Goosian trait we see on display many beatdowns, if he doesn’t immediately have an answer then a rabid bloodhound is unleashed in his brain searching accurate guesses. Something’s very right with his medulla oblongata.

    #4
    AB has a dog named after the main character in this 1994 classic movie. (Shawshank redemption- Andy Dufrene)

    The group produced both Shawshank and Dufrene.

    Now it was only fair by the writ of habeas corpus that AB get a swing at the pax during his own trial so YHC prepped him the night before to bring a fast ball.

    The Pax produced some fine “Most common wrongs” but could not land on “Time Dilation” as the answer. Great teaser trailer for the 2025 Interstellar beatdown.

    Grand Finale

    On a special night during ABs childhood , in the room he shared with his brother Jeff , AB released flatus so vile that Jeff had to leave the room. When he returned the next morning somehow the smell had gotten much worse. This is event is now known as what?
    (The Christmas miracle)

    Again Goose was flexing his Dawkins trophy by guessing Napalm. Although it was incorrect, I hereby place it #2 on the list of potential FNG names. (Just behind Texaco Cat of course)

    Shoutout to This first hand account added by none other than Jeff Mitchell, who claims his smell never fully recovered.

    AB thank you for the gift of trivia this year. We are proud to call you our Llama Mama.

    In February God was with us on the run.

    2/17/24
    “It’s Only A Mile”

    We recognized two major memories from this awesome day and what is hoped to be a Thibodaux staple event.

    The first was Coach Goose. Anyone who ran more than a lap that day was aided by the one part field general/one part friend that provided stalwart support until the end.
    We also unknowingly picked up our Rookie of the Year, White Meat.

    Maybe it was the movie references or perhaps the pastalaya but he was there at the stage the following Monday rattling off Big Lebowski quotes like a pax veteran. We missed the mark on not naming this man Double Toilet but it’s been great getting to know the Meat and see him rapidly improve.

    Run lap- 10 Goosies
    Run Back 20 picklePounders

    Thank you Goose for your leadership and thank you White meat for courage to try something new.

    In March God was with us building our spiritual foundation brick by brick .

    3/21/24 Popeye VQ

    YHC would be flat out lying if I told you I wasn’t atleast a bit scared/concerned at what a Popeye Q might be. And based on the absolute silence of this usually chattering group during the beginning of the VQ some others were curious where the pain would come from as well. We stayed off his grass and all survived that day and ever since he has set the tone yielding his equally effective weapons of bricks and Yacht Rocks.

    YHC found a song that was Yacht Rockish and represented Pops previous solo brick routine.

    Coupon skips on our mystery song.

    “All by myself “ equals burpee

    One minute off per answer was the plan but these were fairly difficult and YHCs twang did not help a thorough explanation.

    Answers :

    – “ALL by myself “
    – Artist – Eric Carmen
    – other biggest hit song was “hungry eyes” featured in mutiple commercials to represent lusting after foods
    – What Band did he leave: The raspberries
    – Raspberry hit song was “Go all the away” – (hint: on guardians of galaxy soundtrack)

    Thank you Pop for the tough love and for the Sailing lessons.

    In April God was with us as we crank the intensity and carrying our burdens.

    Yankee Jeaux has a well established resume of mega holiday beatdowns that many broadway production companies would envy. Yet he continued to push the bar higher with this Holy Week Stations of the Cross bd. It had the perfect blend of physical demand, silent reflection and opportunity for unity in suffering.

    Thank you YJ, we secretly love your monologues.

    Rucking also exploded onto the F3 Thib scene in the spring of ‘24 so we honored the Co-founders of Warrior Wednesday -Smooth and Honeysuckle. ( and a Tidy Whitey shoutout). These pax showed Great initiative to start and maintain a change of pace on Wednesdays. The ruck/run allows for open conversations and a simple format. Just ask Smooth all you need is a Jansport and a few hammers.

    Both of these pax are connoisseurs of fine country so YHC dialed up ole King George.

    “Carrying your love with me”
    Coupon Step ups

    A classic Smooth “Okay” was the general sentiment regarding coupon step ups.

    Thank you HoneySuckle for your consistency, quality franchise Beatledowns and your God gifted infinity lungs

    Thank you Smooth for cutting edge Maul/tire beatdowns and for always embracing a heavy load with a laugh and an “okay”

    In May God was with us during a challenge.

    This May we had a few wrinkles added to the annual May challenge . Some fasting , mutiple extra point grab opportunities and 3am -6 am 10 mile ruck Ruck that launched 1000 wife complaint’s. It led to some awesomely weird conversations and some revelations about valves call schedule.

    To honor the super ruck and the Dawson 2.0s leading a Weird Al resurgence YHC found a little “YODA” .

    Coup Calf raise on song
    Curls on YODA

    Thanks to Ronnie for giving me a template to ask my M about a middle of the night ruck. (It didn’t help)

    In June God was with us to deal with transitions.

    This one needs little introduction.
    Mr Summerwind expressed all my feelings completely.

    Cardinal to MC
    “80 miles to Santa Fe”

    Parked – Squat
    Lake- Bonnie Blair
    Santa Fe – SSH

    We miss ya Cardinal.
    Beatdown field trip in 2025- it’s happening. Thanks for encouraging the deeper questions and being a rock in our community.

    In July God was with us to move heavy things.

    Wet Tap continued to carve his niche as our Pax premier expert in Coupons of unusual size (COUS). directly or indirectly introducing Black Betty and Tiny this year we learned to fear seeing the high country back into a lot with no cinders in sight.

    Song “Black Betty” by Ram Jam
    We did OHP on Black Betty and Bama Lam

    Thank you Tap, for seeing coupons everywhere you look.

    Mid Year Intermission Song:
    SSHs while YHC highlighted Lil Cuz’s innate ability to add valuable commentary on all things. Everyone sharpens iron in their own way and for Cuz it’s letting you know your beatdown monologue made him uncomfortable and that the veggie tray could use ranch.

    Thank you Cuz for Keeping the bar high. If your brothers aren’t first, your last. Some pax whispers about a 2025 Earl Dibbles bd?!

    In August, God was with us in the Danger.

    The character arc of Safety Valve from friendly neighbor to Monday Supervillain has been nothing short of amazing. To sum it up best I pulled the YELP reviews from the pax on Mondays after a standard valve bd:

    Popeye: Is Valve okay?

    White Meat: I’m hurting Linda.

    Goose: Does his insurance cover therapy? Asking for a friend.

    Pope: I feel a new sensation of being short of breath.

    Popeye: seriously, he ok?

    …it goes on like that for a few pages.

    To honor our much loved merkin maniac YHC called in some classic Kenny Loggins.
    Highway to the Danger Valve
    IW -Song
    Double Merkin Burpee on Danger Zone.

    Thanks for never letting off the gas Valveline.
    I like the way you hurt a man.

    In September God was with us to sharpen Iron.

    Remind me again, Whose idea was Iron PAX plus BK 500 in the same month?! We must have been really high on Jersey Mikes that day.

    As it happened, September 2024 at F3 Thibodaux was a minefield of some of the most difficult beatdowns we’ve ever attempted. It seems the brain trust up in Greenwood got together this year and decided there was a nationwide deficit in thrusters and burpees. This led to several snot woggle Saturdays where the legs were weakened but the shared suffering was stronger than ever.

    To cap off the month we pivoted our annual SV500 into a fall friendly event and this year supported the nonprofit Brothers Keeper. Goose kept tradition by building a ridiculous but well thought out 20 station course that was much more defensible against questionable form. Inch worm merkins and the station 1 Dora still keep pax in cold sweats.

    The dark horse team of Valve and Cardinal , now simply known as Second Collection, won the overall category and we’re still investigating that “anonymous” benefactor.

    Song:
    GreenDay
    “Wake me up when September Ends “

    On your 6 Hold coupon in press position.
    Alt between flutter kicks , heels to heaven , leg raises.
    WW3 sit-ups on “September”

    Thanks to all who made the BK500 a great success.

    In October/November God was with us to converge with our fellow brothers and to celebrate several milestones.
    Our Bayou pax of 4 years , Goose with a 5 year and the NOLA region hit the 10 year mark!

    These milestones could only be recognized by The GOOSELIZER. (As designed and led by Goose on the spot at Convergence)
    A deconstructed SSH montage with plank jacks in between. It’s a thing of synchronized beauty.

    Thanks to our NOLA brothers for continued support.

    And finally we adjusted our reverse time dilators as we arrived back at December safely at our cozy stage.

    December brings the season of Paxmas beatdowns as we prepare the way together. We had to adjust our Christmas carol expectations and even saw an exposed coca Cola Santa for the fraud he is. Chests and Butts were roasted on an open fire as ThighKowsky made a final bow. We saw a new grinch bring the Whoville pain and we were yearning for a YJ soliloquy. All this bringing us to an open field, a sky full of stars and vintage Goosing complete with 9000 pancakes plus a question :“Could we allow God to be bigger than us ?”

    Song : God is with Us
    Artist: For King and Country
    -Coupon High Knees
    -Thrusters on God is with Us

    The last counting and naming of 2024 then in another slightly less smelly miracle YHC gifted the Push-up Pimp to Valve.
    Great year of growth brother.

    Announcements
    -Get on Da Q Sheet
    -Feb 8 It’s only a Mile
    -White Mystery Meat Q (TBD)

    Prayers
    – winter illness’s
    – Holiday anxieties

    Thank you pax for these gifts and of the opportunity to lead and share together in all things that God provided in 2024.

    I’ll wrap us up with a little sprinkle of what Mr. Clive Staples had to say on this matter and as my own challenge for 2025.

    “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

    I pray we can see all things in this new year with the Light He provides.

    God is with us.

    SYITG
    Dox

  • False Alarm! – from America’s Best

    Boxing Day is known for many things. Well, a few things at least. Ok, really nobody knows much about what Boxing Day is, but if you Google it, you will find that the Boxing Day leftover sandwich is a thing.

    Which is perfect, because I happened to have not finished the “sandwich” week of IPC, so we would perform that as a leftover today. . .

    The Undercard:
    Bear crawl 30 yards, triple-broad jump back, with 3 burpees after each 3 jumps. Accompanying music: a leftover earworm from Paradox’s Buttcracker last week. Since it was a ballet theme, I was sure Dox would throw in the (Yacht Rock?) classic “True” by Spandau Ballet. Since he didn’t, it has been playing on repeat in my brain for a week. The only way to cleanse: do some work while the entire song plays out. Sometimes you have to poison the host to kill the parasite.

    Then we moseyed with our coupons ¼ around the CC for…

    The Main Event:

    Based on a prior template, the PAX would do an exercise while one man took a lap contemplating a question. Today, they would be mostly True or False Questions.
    Correct answer results in reward, incorrect results in punishment. With each question, the PAX had one extra chance at redemption by identifying title and artist of the song playing.

    First up: Tana. T or F: According to the Bible, 3 wise men visited Jesus’ nativity.
    We did curls while “Fairytale of New York” played. Tana returned, unaware he had even been asked a question. Nonetheless, he responded “True.” The answer, in fact, is False, and we did 5 burpees. Goose was able to identify the Pogues (2nd guess), and although I didn’t hear him name the song, he did inform the PAX that the NYPD does not actually have a choir, which is an infinitely superior piece of information.

    And for that, Goose got to go next. T or F: The modern image of Santa Claus (as we know him) was created by Coca-Cola. Now, YHC tried to pretend the question was randomly selected, but of course, it was designed for Goose since I’ve heard him state this as fact at least twice in the last week.
    White Winter Hymnal by Fleet Foxes played while Goose contemplated and ran, and the rest did Mike Tyson merkins (it’s Boxing Day, remember?)
    Goose returned, and less-confidently than expected, answered “True.” In fact, again the answer is false, as there exist multiple examples of Santa as we know him prior to the Coca Cola ads of the 30s and 40s.
    5 burpees.

    Maneater was next, and his T or F question was: The use of an “Xmas” as a placeholder for “Christmas” began as part of the conspiracy to excise Christ from His holiday.
    We continued the Boxing Day theme and listened to a cover of “Christmas Treat” by Julian Casablancas. (the original was written by Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sans for an SNL sketch).
    I was sure to sort of mumble the original question to make sure Maneater answered “True” (which he did). Of course, again the answer was false, as the X (Greek Chi) has been used to nenote Christ since around 1500. 5 burpees
    YHC had already selected the PAX question for this round: “Julian Casablancas is the lead singer of what band?” Honeysuckle, mid-song, perhaps using mind-reading technology, before I had a chance to even ask the question, asked “Is this the Strokes?”
    The PAX was rewarded with 10 merkins.

    And Honeysuckle got to be the next man up. Recognizing that HS likely was on to my pattern, I had to switch gears and not offer him a T or F question. Instead, it was Dad joke time: What did Goose say when Pope gave him a comb for Christmas?
    Honeysuckle ran while the PAX alternated 7 Goosies with 7 Merkins and listened to “One Glove,” a duet by Jimmy Fallon and Will Ferrell. Although HS was unable to come up with the answer (Thanks, I’ll never part with it), Goose and Tana worked out both the title and artist of the song. I think we did 10 merkins as reward.

    Next Wet Tap was given:
    T or F: The lyric “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” originally was at the end (and not the beginning) of the song.
    Worded like that, it seems like it should be true, right? We did 8-count bodybuilders while Tap ran around and convinced himself of just that fact, and returned with his (incorrect) answer of True (originally, that lyric was not in the song at all).
    However, between Pope and Goose, “Christmas at Ground Zero” by Weird Al was correctly identified. The PAX did 5 8-count bodybuilders as a reward.

    We found a dry spot to alternate between 7 squats and 7 Aussie Angels (might be made up) while Safety Valve ran and pondered the question written for Paradox:
    T or F: The most popular Christmas candy bar in Louisiana is the Kit Kat.
    He returned with a very reasonable answer: True. However, according to the Paradox taxonomy of candy bars, everything is a candy bar, so the most popular candy bar in LA is actually the candy cane. So again, the correct answer was false.
    Goose identified that Dave Thomas and Rick Moranis were performing their version of the 12 Days of Christmas, but amazingly only knew their actual names, and not the characters Bob and Doug MacKenzie. Sometimes a man’s brain is too full of useful information and the useless stuff starts falling out. Sad.

    Pope was the last man, and was confronted with the most difficult true or false question of the day:
    True or False: Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
    We were about to do mountain climbers while he ran, but suddenly YHC heard Montana say something, which I swear was “why can’t we do something in this nice wet grass instead?” Thinking fast, YHC quickly changed the event to WW3 situps.
    Pope returned, answering True. My knee-jerk reaction was that this should be False (mainly because all the answers were false) but this subject has been famously debated, and I honestly wasn’t sure where I fell on this one… so YHC needed bit of time to think. Luckily, we had the other slice of bread for our Boxing Day Sandwich, and we were Set Adrift on Memory Bliss, as PM Dawn sampled Spandeau Ballet’s “True” and the PAX again bearcrawled 30 yards and Triple-Burpee-Broad-Jumped back. Twice.
    This time we had to deal with the wet and slippery grass, and through the fog I could see men crashing down around me. In my mind I heard Frank Costanza’s voice shouting, “I sent 16 of my own men to the latrines that night!” I pushed the guilt aside, trying to fix my mind on the Die Hard dilemma.

    We finished mostly unscathed (you okay, Valve?) and returned for COT. YHC reluctantly accepted Bluetube from Tana. Goose prayed us out.

    Great job as always men.
    SYITG,

    AB

    AB Cs the light (post credits-scene):

    I created this beatdown as a “Not really Christmas” theme. After Goose’s OG-Christmas-Carol-Only BD, and the newfangled trendy music of Tchaikovsky last week, all of the songs this morning were intentionally Christmas-adjacent at best.

    As far as the Die Hard dilemma goes… the arguments that it is a Christmas movie are many: The word “Christmas” is mentioned something like 18 times. More times than “die”, “hard”, “bomb”, “explode”, or “gun”. The setting is Christmastime during a company Christmas party.
    Sounds Christmas-y.

    But much like the beatdown today, it is superficial. Although I was wearing bad Santa pajamas, and there was a lot of talk about Christmas-y stuff, I only mentioned Jesus twice. Die Hard probably has zero references. I know, I know, you’re all saying, “But AB, what about the scripture ‘and the Lord spoketh “Yippee Kai-Ay.”’?’ I tell you then that is also false, and I compel you to admire the number of quotation marks used in the prior sentence. Pretty impressive, right?

    So the movie synopsis: a celebration of corporate greed is interrupted by terrorists/thieves who get theirs at the hands of a NYPD detective.
    Just like my beatdown, this has little to do with what Christmas actually is all about. And from that perspective, I find it hard to argue that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

    I Know this Much is True.

  • OG Christmas – from Goose

    Though YHC enjoys the feelings produced by Christmas songs this time of year, nothing really compares to what a good Christmas carol does to you. Oh, yes–they’re two different things. Just do a Spotify search, and you’ll find your playlists provide two different experiences. As it turns out, Christmas has been around a lot longer than today’s version of Old St. Nick (only really popularized in his current form by Coca-Cola less than 100 years ago). But, sadly, most people haven’t experienced the deeper depths of the season, which can only be accessed via the old school Christmas carols, the English-language ones that have been around for centuries and can still be heard in the background of movies, commercials, and tasteful stores. You grew up with them, they’ve been around forever, but maybe you’ve never noticed them, or they’ve been drowned out by modern day noise like Bing Crosby, the Beach Boys, and color television. So, this morning, YHC decided to provide a little cultural healing via beautiful, age-old carols and burpees.

    We started with a warmup of the usuals with an eventually solid group of 8 PAX rounding out the circle where the blocks waited ominously.

    This was followed by a long-winded explanation of the above with instructions that a carol would play for about three minutes, during which we’d do 7 reps each of 3 exercises over and over while the PAX tried to guess the title of the carol. If they guessed it, no penalty, but if they didn’t, all would do 10 burpees. It went like this:

    * In the Bleak Midwinter:
    * AMRAP: 7 merkins, 7 squats, 7 BBSU
    -Valve: “Is this English?”

    * Holly and the Ivy:
    * Manmakers, curls, rows
    -Popeye: “Come ye Merry Gentlemen?”

    * Wassail Song:
    * Toe tappers, Appolo ono, WWI sit-ups
    -The only one the PAX got, despite having the three song title magicians (AB, Popeye, Suckle), and a Tana, in the mix; only got it because it says “Wassail” a bunch.

    * Lo, How a Rose E’er Blooming:
    * goblet squats, tricep press, WWIII situps
    -Valve: “I’m pretty sure this is the other one again.”
    -Popeye: “Joy to the Merry Gentlemen?”

    * Wexford Carol:
    * Werkins, lunges, Freddys
    -Tana: “This is Sara McLachlan, isn’t it.”

    * The Boar’s Head:
    * OHP, coupon swings, pull-throughs
    -White Meat: “Lucky Charms Christmas?”
    -Popeye: “Deck the Halls with Merry Gentlemen?”

    * Coventry Carol
    * Staggered merkins, block pooper squats, Afflecks
    -AB: “Yorkshire Carol? London Carol? Burmingham Carol? Shakespeare Carol?
    Stratford upon Avon Carol? Mr. Bean Carol?”

    * Gabriel’s Message:
    * SSH, 8-count bb, Bonnie Blairs
    -Popeye: “Renaissance Fest ye Merry Gentlemen?”

    Truth be told, YHC just wanted an excuse to listen to those songs, and those three-minute, three-exercises routines punctuated by burpees are a great way to get the heart rate cranking and the muscles burning without having to leave your spot.

    So, for homework, find a version you like of each of these (and the other awesome carols you might find on Spotify, like “Bring a Torch, Jeannette Isabella,” “In Dulci Jubilo”, “Once in Royal David’s City”, “Sussex Carol”, or “Ding Dong Merrily on High”) and put them during a long car ride with the fam. Unless, of course, you just want to keep letting Bieber tell you what he got for his girlfriend.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Long and Whining Road – from Honeysuckle

    The PAX arrived to a sub-40 degree, dew-covered Lion’s Den. They were beaming like an Eagle Sunrise with the confidence that YHC would keep their shoes clean and grassless. Valve was waiting behind Aldi until post-SSH’s. Chatter was at an 11.

    Waramarama: SSH, Imperial Walkers, Slow High Knees, Slow Butt Kicks, Arm Circles, Cherry Pickers, Windmills, Willie Mays Hayes

    The Thang:

    The demise of the Free Solo franchise has left an emptiness in the PAX the size of a time dilator. So YHC took it upon himself to reprise a Beatledown (thanks Prof Dox) following September’s AB-bey Road. Today would be a trip through the Let it Be album, and the discerning ears of today’s PAX would surely recognize it as the “Let it Be (Naked)” re-release, with a lot of the musical embellishments and chatter removed. Unfortunately, YHC would have a much tougher time removing chatter today.

    Get Back: PAX run around the civic center, and on the “Get Back” choruses, switch to nur.
    YHC advised the PAX to stay on the sidewalk, which further lulled them into a sense of dryness.

    Dig a Pony: Grab coupons, WWIII situps during verses, and 15 standard presses during the chorus. This was done on the sidewalk. Some pax saw moving diamonds in the sky (not sure about lucy).

    For you Blue: Head to the steps. 25 Johnny Dangers (calf raises), finish running up the steps, across to the other steps, head down and back around. “So we don’t just go back and forth? We have to run through the cold wet grass?” Yes.

    The Long and Winding Road: This is where it became full horror movie. Bear crawl snake was done in the grass. The pain felt in our hands was only eased by their eventual numbness. However, YHC was impressed at the speed that the bear crawl snake progressed.

    Two of Us: PAX paired up, did 10 partner derkins, partner drag to the other sidewalk, 10 more partner derkins (roles flipped), partner drag back. Valve and YHC wisely partnered up.

    I’ve got a feeling: Hillbilly walkers during song, and Bobby Hurley on every “oh yeah” and “oh no”. Only YHC had any idea of what was going on at this point, with the only consolation being that “don’t let me down” was coming up.

    One after 909: 9’s instead of 11’s. J-los on one side, wife pleasers on the other. No one completed these before the song was over, but we got sort of close.

    Don’t let me down: Rifle hold the coupon during the “don’t let me down” parts. Thrusters during each verse of the other parts. This was a chatter killer. One day, YHC may look back at this beatdown and decide that “Don’t Let Me Down” was the only decent thing we were able to pull out of this whole cold dewy mess.

    At this point there were 3 more songs to go (of a 35 minute album) but 3 minutes left, so we skipped to Let it Be and did Mary to wrap it up.

    COT: announcements, intentions, AB prayed us out

    Always a pleasure working out with this group. Lots of moving parts and jumping from one song to another definitely added confusion but at least it made the time go by more slowly. Maybe we’ll see another Beatledown in the future. Until then, may your life be filled with Cold Dewy Fields Forever.

  • The Best Way to Process Trauma is to Go Through it Again with All Your Friends – from Goose

    YHC got a nasty case of what seemed to be food poisoning in the afternoon of Thanksgiving Day. This provided for an excellent scenario: enjoyed all the wonderful food, gained no weight from overeating, got hours and hours of intense core exercise, and gained inspiration for the empty Monday Q slot.

    After a warmup of the usual on this chilly morning, YHC began the reenactment of that fateful Thanksgiving Day as we cued up the “Gobble Gobble” song by Matthew West that YJ introduced last year.
    Thanksgiving Day started as one would expect, overeating at the table/trough next to family members. So, we partnered up, and while the music carried us through the details of the feast, one partner planked while the other did 10 merkins before switching. It wasn’t a long song, but it was plenty long enough.

    After dinner, we began the neighborhood walk portion of the day, a tradition for many families, and this was accomplished via a simple mosey around the traditional mile route. But, at the beginning of the last quarter-mile, unexpected things began to happen. The world began to spin just a little bit, and at each lampost, we turned 90 degrees to either carioca, nur, carioca the other way, or run. Dizziness was kicking in, and something wasn’t right. Then, it hit–this was happening. It was time to sprint to the toilet/flag.

    At this point, the waves of nausea are making it impossible to stand upright, but also impossible to lay down comfortably. So, we lined up on the edge of the concrete and rolled around and around uncomfortably for two minutes (via the following exercises, AMRAP) before having to run to the toilet:
    10 big boy situps
    10 Nolan Ryans on the left elbow
    10 Afflecks
    10 Nolan Ryans on the right elbow

    Once two minutes were up, we ran to the “toilet”, a pair of coupons for each man about 10 yards from the concrete. Here we hovered over the toilet and wretched from all the way down in our toes before sitting on the toilet and opening a firehose. This was accomplished via 10 manmakers and 20 pooper squats (sit on the upended coupon and extend legs out front, like Jeff Daniels on Dumb and Dumber) or until 2 minutes were up. We than ran back to “bed” and did it all over again.

    For Round 2, things were really starting to go downhill. For the first 2 minutes rolling around in agony in the “bed” we replaced the BBSU with 10 wife pleasers, because now the rear faucet is out of control and is requiring that level of glute squeezing to keep the sheets clean. Nolan Ryans on the left still followed, but then the Afflecks were replaced by 10 chilly jacks (low plank jacks). Left elbow Nolan Ryans still followed, and the rolling continued until 2 minutes was up.

    This time, to get back and forth from the toilet, since we were losing fluids and strength at such a rapid rate, we had to (bear) crawl. The exercises were still manmakers and squat poopers, though–no matter how much we wanted to avoid them, the wretching is involuntary, and it (as well as the rectal peeing) comes when it will. Can’t stop that train.

    It was somewhere around this time that Cuz asked, “Why would you want to go through all this again? Cuz, Cuz–the best way to process trauma is to take some of the hair of the dog that bit the horses you and your friends rode in on and make a mat out of it to do low planks and Nolan Ryans on.

    As “Lime in the Coconut” was fading, we had time to do one last lightning round. One minute or rolling around consisted of 20 flutter kicks, 10 Nolan Ryans, 10 Australian sweat angels, and 10 Nolan Ryans. Bear crawl to the toilet again, but this time, sincere there’s really nothing left in your stomach, the manmakers become 10 burpees. And, the squat poopers are now done holding a coupong since it’s now much harder to get up off the toilet.

    Thankfullly, we were saved by the bell (zofran and Immodium), and the recovery process began. COT and the Animal shirt went to Cuz for his well-time one-liners that he was still slingin’ in the later rounds. YHC expresed gratitude for a chance to relive a version of the Turkey Day Horrors with concrete blocks and great men. And, now the whole PAX are looking forward to the Salmonella beatdown, which is sure to come once Enron can get out of the bathroon.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • They are wet because they are dry – from Honeysuckle

    On a colder than usual day in the gloom, YHC returned from a warm up run to find White Meat holding warm in his truck. Not long after, Lil Cuz and Pikachu pulled up. Not wanting to miss SSHs, Safety Valve arrived shortly after and we began the warmarama.

    SSHs, Imperial Walkers, Willie Mays Hayes, Arm circles, cherry pickers, toy soldiers

    Mosey to the far gate. As is usually the case, some sort of run through the park is used to showcase some prepping. In this case, it was a pile of coupons and some cones spaced too far apart for Valve’s liking. White Meat complained that it was harder for him to see in the cold weather but that no one ever believes him. Valve said that it made perfect sense, because the eyes were dry. Then Meat said that they were wet. Then Zen Master Valve responded that they were wet because they were dry. And then proceeded to describe a feedback loop that detects dry eyes and causes tears to be dispensed (via some sort of valve opening, if you will). This, and White Meat doing his best impersonation of an eye doctor, carried us through the entire mosey and we arrived at the coupons.

    Thang 1:

    YHC then described the main event, which is some variation of Dora that may or may not be in the exicon. The coupon is to be moved incrementally from cone to cone (6 steps in all) and then back to the start line. On the way out, partner one runs to the coupon, lunge walks it to the next cone, then does 15 thrusters. The home partner starts 30 burpees. Then partner 1 runs back and helps partner 2 complete the burpees. When they are complete, partner 2 is released to move the coupon and partner 1 starts the 30 burpee counter again.

    Unrelated to any of this, YHC also admitted that this was not a Drew Carey beatdown, so perhaps it was better that Goose wasn’t there as he probably wouldn’t have been able to contain his disappointment. Rather, YHC asked why does Cleveland Rock? The best the Pax could come up with was that it’s in Ohio. YHC then revealed that Cleveland is the home of the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, and today we would be listening to songs from the 2024 inductees. This included Foreigner, Ozzy Osborne, A Tribe Called Qwest, Jimmy Buffett, and Kool n the Gang.

    After the six coupon steps away from the start line are done, the coupon is moved back towards the starting line. This time, the explorer partner does 25 curls upon reaching the coupon then murder bunnies to the next cone. The home partner is doing 50 big boy situps. Again, the explorer partner helps complete the 50 BBS’s before the swap happens.

    All in all, each PAX did 45 thrusters, 75 curls, and did roughly half of the 180 burpees and 300 BBS’s.

    Somehow, after initially falling behind to team LiL Suckle, team Safety Meat pulled ahead and finished first. They were fast because they were slow?

    Thang 2:

    YHC really had no idea how long this Dora would take, but as everyone pushed through the burn and didn’t take breaks, there was still a fair amount of time left. YHC had sort of prepared for this situation, so we moseyed to the playground. Valve saw right through this and immediately knew that hanging would be involved. The same teams were kept, and the first teammate had to hang while the other did 5 merkins. Then they swapped and the teammate that was just hanging now did 6 merkins while the other teammate had to hang. And so on, adding one merkin each time.

    Given the recent time warps that have been experienced in beatdowns, with both AB and Goose messing with our mental ratios of work-to-time, White Meat realized what time it was and had to leave when this was almost over. So Honey Cuz became Lil Honey Valve and we continued until 20 merkins were reached. This burned because it was cold.

    Thang 3:

    The Pax at this point wanted to do some Mary and go home, but not today. We moseyed back to the coupons and did farmers carrys with double coupons over the 60 yard course a few times (after a few kinks were worked out). It felt like it took so long because we only had a few minutes left.

    Eventally we reached 59:30 and moseyed to the where the flags normally are for namearama, announcements, and intentions.

    Though among the Pax there were at least 3 shirts to exchange, YHC forgot his and Meat had to leave, so no awards were handed out.

    Lil Cuz prayed us out. Thanks men for venturing out in the cold after Thanksgiving, though I am sure you were really hoping for Dox dressed as Mimi.

    SYITG,
    Honeysuckle

  • Thankful for Modern Medicine – from Goose

    Dox reached out to YHC yesterday afternoon needing a Q sub. Apparently, he had picked up some sort of parasite from an hours-long operation wherein he was elbows deep in a badly infected toe. YHC was grateful to honor these heroics, especially since it gave YHC the opportunity to build a beatdown around a big toe that’s still recovering from surgery. There would be no running or side straddle hops, but there would still be plenty to be grateful for.

    After a warmup of slow foot movements, YHC cued up a song routine suggested by a number of his 2.0’s. The song is “Popcorn” by the Barenaked Ladies from their genius kids album, “Snacktime”. Seriously, do yourself a favor and put it on next time you’re on the road with the fam.

    The only move possible for the trigger word “pop” is Moroccan Nightclubs, so that’s we did. Can’t say it was the greatest routine (or explanation of its connection to the Thanksgiving theme) but it wasn’t the worst.

    We then grabbed coupons and walked over to the field by the big flag where we circled around Bose’ mounted on his concrete throne. YHC then rambled a bit about the difference intentionally cultivated gratitude makes, especially as a remedy for self-pity and resentment. Today we’d cultivate a little gratitude via the letters of the word “Thanksgiving”.

    Each letter stood for an exercise that we’d do three rounds each of, Tabata style (45 seconds on, 15 seconds off). It went like this:
    * Tricep presses (deep, burning foreshadowing)
    * Hand release merkins
    * American hammers
    * Nolan Ryan’s (switch halfway through the middle of the second round)
    * Kettle bell swings
    * Sit-ups, WWIII variety (to the great delight of Lil’ Cuz)
    * Goblet squats
    * Inchworm Merkins
    * V-ups (prompted my M to ask, “Which exercise has you pulling up handfuls of grass and stuffing them down the back of your shorts? What letter does that one start with?”)
    * Isometric low plank (just a low plank)
    * This is where we ran out of time, but these fine HIMS couldn’t stand not finishing, so they all agreed to see it to the end)
    * Neil Diamonds (aka Kneel Diamonds)
    * Gorilla Humpers (wide monkey humpers)

    And by the time we were done, we were all filled with gratitude. Wait, no, grass. We were all filled with grass.

    Prayers for Dox and others who are sick, and Tap prayed us out.

    Grateful for these awesome dudes getting up early on a holiday, the only hype being that we’d be couponing. And, grateful for the excuse to stuff myself today.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • – from America’s Best

    A few weeks ago, YHC and a couple of other HIMs were discussing why a certain HIM (who shall remain unnamed) has not yet taken a Q. The answer from him the HIM: the bar is too damn high! YHC granted that things were out of hand. It was time to, in the words of Romanian-German new-age worldbeat musical project Enigma, return to innocence.

    But first: Warmarama

    SSH, windmills, Imperial Walkers, WMH, Toy Soldiers, Tie Fighters, Cherry Pickers, High Knees, Butt Kicks, Lafayette Night Clubs.

    Bumper mosey to pick up coupons and return for:

    Tha Thang. Just a Musical Dora.

    Partnered up, then during each song, one partner knocks out the exercise, while the other uses assigned MOT to the far sidewalk, then moseys back. Flapjack, continue. Race to get 200 reps per exercise before the song ends.

    The Songs, the Exercises, the MOT:

    1: First, Merkins, Crab Walk

    2. Seconds, V-Ups, Run a lap

    3: 3rd Stone from the Sun, Curls, Bear Crawl

    4. Positively 4th Street, Tyson Merkins, Lap

    5: A Fifth of Beethoven, American Hammers, Dragon Walk

    6: 6th Avenue Heartache, BBS, Lunge Walk

    7: Seventh Son, Wheezy Jeffersons, Crawl Bear

    8: Henry the VII, Burpees, Sprint

    It was basically impossible to get to 200 on any of these, but I felt we needed an unobtainable goal. Threw that one long Hendrix song in there just to give a glimmer of hope, and to fulfill the prophecy of “that Charlottesville hipster hookah lounge” music.

    Final Thang: Identify the songs from the beatdown. Popeye and Honeysuckle, as usual, took care of the more obscure songs. White Meat ID’d 7th Son, and Yankee Jeaux ID’d Henry VII… man those geezers know their music. (Popeye had been figuring out “Positively 4th Street” for about 2 rounds, but upon returning from his Dragon Walk he had figured it out. The man has the heart of a warrior, and the mind of a Spotify).

    3rd Stone from the Sun was the only song not identified by the PAX, so we only had to do one burpee. It was fairly obvious at this point that the songs all included ordinal numbers.

    Then just 2 minutes of Mary to get us to that sweet Sugar Mill Whistle.

    COT

    FNG became Doubtfire.

    Animal from Honeysuckle to Lil Cuz.

    Blue Tube from Wet Tap to Honeysuckle.

    Wet Tap prayed us out.

    SYITG,

    AB

  • Free Solo Episode VIII: There’s No Hope – from America’s Best

    A Long Time Ago, in an AO not so far away…

    It is a period of civil war.
    Rebel HIMs, feigning ignorance
    of the rules from prior beatdowns, have
    angered for the last time
    the frustrated Q.

    During the beatdown, the
    PAX managed to start by
    pretending to not understand the Q’s
    ultimate weapon, the
    FREE SOLO, a carefully-crafted
    beatdown with enough
    power to destroy an entire
    planet.

    Flummoxed by their lack of musical knowledge
    and self-awareness, Popeye
    stepped in and identified
    most songs, while the others
    were content to plod on
    through the exercises,
    continuing to climb that hill…

    The instructions were simple. The rules were the same. Nobody cared.

    While the PAX knocks out some exercises, the solo from a song is played. The song has some connection to one person in the PAX. One of three things affects the next thang:
    1. The person for whom the song tolls identifies the song during the solo. If this occurs, the PAX simply take a lap around the Civic Center.
    2. Someone else in the PAX identifies the song during the solo. The consequence of this is a MOT up the hill without a coupon, and 3 burpees at the top. Mosey back down.
    3. Nobody identifies the song, and the consequence is MOT with coupon up the hill, and manmakers at the top. Rifle carry back down.

    The exercises:
    1.Mountain Climbers- bear (block)crawl
    2.Jump squats – murder bunnies/bunny hops
    3. Merkins- El Capitan
    4.Curls – carioke/bricklayers
    5.Half WW3 sit-ups – inchworm(blockees)
    6.V-ups – killer Roos/broad jump
    7.Burpees- crab walk (with/without coupon)

    While the instructions were clearly stated, the consensus amongst the PAX was “What is going on?”
    After several rounds, most of the PAX halfway understood. I guess some people are visual learners.

    First song: a cover of Take on Me, by the band Goose. Months ago, YHC added this to a beatdown and made a point to tell Goose directly about the song, the cover, and the band. But Goose had to be Goose, and feigned ignorance so we could do more work.
    Another Song: Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Safety Valve has been lulled into thinking if it’s not about flying, it’s not about him. And this song was recorded twenty years before he was born.
    Cherub Rock for Honeysuckle was identified by Popeye, and eventually someone knew it was for HS.
    Lawyers, Guns, and Money by Warren Zevon – unknown to everyone somehow.
    Honeysuckle texted me months ago to suggest that “All of My Love” by Led Zeppelin sure does sound a lot like “Olive, My Love.” Genius. It was obviously much too dark in the gloom to see how much everyone loved this Popeye reference. In space, no one can hear you smirk.
    “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” by Great White… Popeye quickly ID’d it, mentioning “This band is fire.” Too soon, Popeye, too soon.
    And so, amidst the confusion, Popeye and Honeysuckle identified a few songs, although nobody identified their own. But really, nobody was expected to.

    Like tic-tac-toe and Global Thermonuclear War, there’s no way to win this game. You’re not supposed to play it. That’s why the reward for actually succeeding is just running a lap. That may be exercise, but not as we know it. In the words of NORAD supercomputer WOPR, “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

    And yet somehow Paradox identified Dr. Feelgood almost immediately. Somebody make him an international incident negotiator… or at least put him on my Applebees Trivia Night team.

    Thang 2: Lighting Round –
    We do burpees during a mountain-themed song until someone names the song (then they change the exercise)

    Song1: Mountain Song (Jane’s addiction)
    Popeye identified it I think; not sure if he changed anything.

    Song 2: Running Up That Hill (a Deal With God). Identified by Honeysuckle (although he didn’t realize it). Changed exercise to Freddy Mercurys , then we El Capitan’ed up the hill for the remainder. When YHC changed the lyric to “ lunging up that hill,” Pope quickly added “Make a deal with quads.”
    Good, Pope. I can feel your schmaltz. Strike me down with all your humor and your journey toward the Dad Jokes will be complete!

    Song 3: There is a Mountain by Donovan. Crowd favorite to end it.

    Mosey to flag for COT

    Thanks for putting up with it, my dudes. Always an honor to lead.

    -AB

    …and don’t worry—nobody will have to try and figure this game out again. For better or for worse, sometimes a trilogy should remain a trilogy.

  • Free Solo, Episode VIII: There’s No Hope – from America’s Best

    A Long Time Ago, in an AO not so far away…

    It is a period of civil war.
    Rebel HIMs, feigning ignorance
    of the rules from prior beatdowns, have
    angered for the last time
    the frustrated Q.

    During the beatdown, the
    PAX managed to start by
    pretending to not understand the Q’s
    ultimate weapon, the
    FREE SOLO, a carefully-crafted
    beatdown with enough
    power to destroy an entire
    planet.

    Flummoxed by their lack of musical knowledge
    and self-awareness, Popeye
    stepped in and identified
    most songs, while the others
    were content to plod on
    through the exercises,
    continuing to climb that hill…

    The instructions were simple. The rules were the same. Nobody cared.
    While the PAX knocks out some exercises, the solo from a song is played. The song has some connection to one person in the PAX. One of three things affects the next thang:
    1. The person for whom the song tolls identifies the song during the solo. If this occurs, the PAX simply take a lap around the Civic Center.
    2. Someone else in the PAX identifies the song during the solo. The consequence of this is a MOT up the hill without a coupon, and 3 burpees at the top. Mosey back down.
    3. Nobody identifies the song, and the consequence is MOT with coupon up the hill, and manmakers at the top. Rifle carry back down.

    The exercises:
    Mountain Climbers- bear (block)crawl
    Jump squats – murder bunnies/bunny hops
    Merkins- El Capitan
    Curls – carioke/bricklayers
    Half WW3 sit-ups – inchworm(blockees)
    V-ups – killer Roos/broad jump
    Burpees- crab walk (c coupon

    While the instructions were clearly stated, the consensus amongst the PAX was “What is going on?”
    After several rounds, most of the PAX halfway understood. I guess some people are visual learners.
    First song: a cover of Take on Me, by the band Goose. Months ago, YHC added this to a beatdown and made a point to tell Goose directly about the song, the cover, and the band. But Goose had to be Goose, and feigned ignorance so we could do more work.
    Another Song: Safety Dance by Men Without Hats. Safety Valve has been lulled into thinking if it’s not about flying, it’s not about him. And this song was recorded twenty years before he was born.
    Cherub Rock for Honeysuckle was identified by Popeye, and eventually someone knew it was for HS.
    Lawyers, Guns, and Money by Warren Zevon – unknown to everyone somehow.
    Honeysuckle texted me months ago to suggest that “All of My Love” by Led Zeppelin sure does sound a lot like “Olive, My Love.” Genius. It was obviously much too dark in the gloom to see how much everyone loved this Popeye reference. In space, no one can hear you smirk.
    “Once Bitten, Twice Shy” by Great White… Popeye quickly ID’d it, mentioning “This band is fire.” Too soon, Popeye, too soon.
    And so, amidst the confusion, Popeye and Honeysuckle identified a few songs, although nobody identified their own. But really, nobody was expected to.

    Like tic-tac-toe and Global Thermonuclear War, there’s no way to win this game. You’re not supposed to play it. That’s why the reward for actually succeeding is just running a lap. That may be exercise, but not as we know it. In the words of NORAD supercomputer WOPR, “A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.”

    And yet somehow Paradox identified Dr. Feelgood almost immediately. Somebody make him an international incident negotiator… or at least put him on my Applebees Trivia Night team.

    Thang 2: Lighting Round –
    We do burpees during a mountain-themed song until someone names the song (then they change the exercise)
    Song1: Mountain Song (Jane’s addiction)
    Popeye identified it I think; not sure if he changed anything.
    Song 2: Running Up That Hill (a Deal With God). Identified by Honeysuckle (although he didn’t realize it). Changed exercise to Freddy Mercurys , then we El Capitan’ed up the hill for the remainder. When YHC changed the lyric to “ lunging up that hill,” Pope quickly and even more wittily added “ make a deal with quads.”
    …Good, Pope. I can feel your schmaltz. I am defenseless. Strike me down with all your humor, and your journey towards the Dad Jokes will be complete!
    Song 3: There is a Mountain by Donovan. Crowd favorite to end it.

    Mosey to flag for COT
    Thanks for putting up with it, my dudes. Always an honor to lead.

    AB

    And don’t worry—nobody will have to try and figure this game out again. For better or worse, sometimes a trilogy should remain a trilogy.