F3 New Orleans

Tag: Smooth Operator

  • More Like South Nazareth – from Goose

    YHC and Pope pulled up to the Stage this morning to find a strange SUV parked and running in typical FNG fashion. AB had hinted at this possibility, so YHC exited the truck gingerly so as not to scare him away. Then, we noticed that there were two in the SUV, one of whom was bald, bearded, and bespectacled, and bore a striking resemblance to a pic that had been posted on the Learned League GroupMe the week earlier and had become the center of attention over the last couple of days. It was, indeed, Kendall Theriot, the only non-Mitchell to give AB a run for the local title for sharpest Llama. But, alas, KT had lost in dramatic fashion to his own son this very morning, and the fall was great. That fall included a loss in a wager with an agreement to join AB at F3 should he lose the tournament to him. It was good to finally put a body to the head, a voice to the digital trash talk. YHC couldn’t wait to hear the kind of chatter that would flow this morning (especially after Tana, a long-time friend of his, also pulled in). KT will henceforth be referred to by Teravanilli, his newly minted name.

    We started with the usual warmups after the disclaimer was given, and YHC was reminded of his first beatdown (my legs were completely shot after the warmup). Then, YHC explained that, since tomorrow is St. Joseph’s Day, we’d celebrate a little early with a St. Joseph themed beatdown today.

    The first thang was a partner Dora to steep a bit in the life of a carpenter in Nazareth (which was more like a builder, most likely). While one partner worked on 200 one-armed rows (sawing), 100 brick layers, and 50 thrusters, the other partner, the beast of burden, block-and-beared across to the opposite sidewalk before rifle carrying back. YHC chose music that Joseph may have listened to if he had a bluetooth speaker, traditional Nazareth pop music (well, more like South Nazareth).

    After about 3 minutes, our good, hard work was interrupted by a dream (“Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics) wherein the Angel Gabriel told us that our fiance’ was pregnant via the Holy Spirit. Then, we discovered that we had to travel all the way to Bethlehem, our ancestral land, because of a census. So, we dropped everything right where it was and started hoofing it. We headed up the newly opened Stretch and made our way around to Rich Man’s Loop, where the townhouses began. It took us a while to get there since Mary’s pregnant and needing to go a little slower (this role was played impeccably by Teravanilli). So, the inns (townhouses) were all full. We knew this because we bear crawled to the front of each and jumped up and down asking for help (25 jump squats, for the 25th of December).

    The “inns” were rather close together, and the version of “Little Town of Bethlehem” that YHC chose was rather long, so the jump squats started quickly looking less and less like a desperate cry for help and more and more like a geriatric twerking class. Soon enough, however, we were given respite in a stable out behind one of the “inns”, and after the child was born, we started to get settled in our new location. But, once again, we were unexpectedly interrupted by Gabriel/Annie Lennox, and it was time to hoof it to Egypt, no time to lose.

    Egypt was over where the monuments to the kings of Thibodaux stand, and after a pickup-six, we completed a quick song routine to the expected Bangles hit “Walk Like an Egyptian”. Imperial Walkers for the duration and Bonnie Blairs for every “Egyptian”. So, pretty much 4 minutes of Imperial Walkers (there are only like 4 “Egyptians”–who knew?).

    Gabrielrhytmics came back one more time to let us know that the coast was clear, and we needed to head back home to Nazareth. This is where we’d live out the last of our days as a Simple Man (Lynard Skynard style), continuing our work as a carpenter (the rest of the Dora) until our time expired.

    It may seem like Joseph was jerked around, that Gabriel/God took his simple, predictable life from him and forced him to move from place to place, trying to keep his little family alive. But, what makes St. Joseph so great, and so blessed, is that he was willing to say “yes” and do what was asked of him, trusting that God would provide, and most importantly, that it was worth it. So, he gave up everything, but what he gained was the Creator of the Universe, God Himself, in his arms, in his home, every day for the rest of his life. Not a bad trade-off. He just had to let go of control, to let go of what He could picture, and trust that God truly knows what He’s doing.

    The PAX was impressed by Teravanilli’s willingness to show up and keep pushing despite a tough experience. We’ve all been there (and were there again just this past Saturday), so it means a lot when one more man makes the leap to go through it with us. The FNG naming took a while–there was so much good material–but YHC was taken by YJ’s suggestion at the very beginning of the beatdown to call him Teravanilli, an answer to one of the questions in the infamous trivia league loss. (If a millivanilli is 1/1000th of a vanilli, what is 1 trillion vanillis?). So, he’ll have a good time trying to explain that every time he introduces himself. We fully expect to see him Thursday morning.

    Announcements, COT, and Cuz prayed us out. Thanks for playing along this morning, fellas–I’ll forward any Ring videos from neighbors as I receive them.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Burn it Out Like We Used to Do – from Goose

    YHC has greatly admired the incredible creativity that this Thibodaux PAX has continued to bring to the table week after week. The bar is set high, and it’s clear this crew is willing to put in solid prep work out of appreciation for their companions in the gloom. It’s unmatched by any other region YHC where has posted.

    However, this morning, YHC felt the need to focus on a few particular areas that need shoring up and decided to dial up a few classic burners to do the trick. Sometimes you gotta bring the bar down a little bit, you know? I mean, we can’t have guys posting in other places where they just pull routines from the Exicon and wonder why there aren’t any trivia questions, hidden cones, costumes, monologues, or Coupons of Unusual Size. We’ve got to know how to fit in a little bit.

    So, after a hefty warmup of the old faithfuls (this was day 1 of waking up without a painful memory of Thursday), we lined up for a fast-paced set of 11’s. Curls at one end, Big Boy Situps at the other, and carioca and side shuffles to get back and forth through the grass. (Our shoes and socks had been missing the moisture–you can’t let those get too dried out.)

    With the 30 min or so remaining, YHC blew the dust of the Deck-o-Death and explained that we’d be doing the classic D-o-D routine, which consists of an exercise assigned to each suit and the number of the card indicating the reps. No poker or battle or anything, we’d just take turns pulling the top card and completing the assigned exercises as follows:
    -Diamonds = tricep presses
    -Clubs = goblet squats
    -Hearts = coupon flutter kicks
    -Spades = manmakers
    -Aces = 50 Rocky Balboas on the curb (2:1)
    -Jokers = 20 coupon jump-overs (2:1)

    You have to have at least one exercise in the routine to make you dread that suit and add some drama as well as a healthy sprinkling of some tougher stuff. This morning, however, the drama turned into tragedy. Despite the deck having never been used for any actual card games, you’d have thought YHC’s kids had used it recently to play “Spades, Spades, and More Spades”. So, the weak attempt at shuffling did little to stem the unending tide of manmakers that washed over the PAX. It was punctuated every now and then by Rocky Balboas, which gave the PAX a chance to River Dance their pain away, but somehow the spades multiplied while we were at the curb. There was no official count, but AB is pretty sure there were at least three Queens and seven 7’s of spades drawn. Things were getting dangerous. The spades seemed to be gaining intelligence as they multiplied. Thankfully, they lost their power once the clock registered 6:00am and we sealed them away in a sandwich bag.

    COT and Maneater revealed the newest embarrassing wearable, Proper Twelve. It’s a crop top with an whiskey brand on it that he caught at a parade. Not sure who was wearing it before it was thrown, but it was awarded to Smooth, who hopes he can comply with the HOA policy which requires that shirts must cover the nips while using shared facilities.

    AB prayed us out, and we shared our gratitude that he’ll be Q-ing tomorrow, which reduces the likelihood of manmakers substantially.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Hive Mind – from America’s Best

    Waramrama

    YHC was thinking of a story his old man told him years ago. He was at work, minding his own business, when some large bird (likely a Goose) slammed into his workstation at about 600mph, splattering blood everywhere. Oh, did I mention his workstation was the backseat of an F-4? Anyway, it shattered the canopy a bit, and (unbeknownst to them) knocked out their communications. Because he wasn’t getting an answer, Dad thought his buddy upfront was either dead or unconscious; his front-seater thought the same thing of him. So what ensued for several seconds was each man trying to take control of the stick, unsuccessfully because they were basically fighting each other. Eventually, they both figured out that the other was ok, somehow, just because they had trained for so long together.
    I got to thinking, when you train with some dudes, maybe you can start to think what they are thinking…

    The Thing 1:

    An exercise is assigned to each pair of partners.

    Each partner runs to opposite side of the runway and does part of the total number of exercises. The object is to get as close to the total number as possible. Double the absolute value of the difference between assigned reps and actual reps is the penalty. And to keep anyone from just trying to do exactly half, if both partners do the exact same number, the penalty is all the reps again.

    Round 1: 50 merkins
    Round 2: 40 bbs
    Round 3: 30 burpees

    By Round 3, I think most teams had figured out what their partners were doing and so they had to do very few burpees. YHC, however, didn’t realize that his partner (Tana) was cleverly doing one more than half the reps each time. Failing to see the pattern, and instead thinking he had been doing one less each time, YHC did 16 burpees. Tana had to ask me several times if I had really done 16… also saying to me more than once “I was doing one more than half each time.” I haven’t seen someone so visibly disappointed in me since I asked my dad to order me a Frappacino.
    So we had 15 penalty burpees each. We came here to get stronger, not smarter.

    Next Thang: Partners split up, creating two teams.
    Each team is given one band and has to come up with 3 songs by that band during a short mosey with merkins.

    Winning team does 10 merkins, loser 10 burpees.
    The twist: There is a song that links both bands. If both teams choose that in their list, they avoid the penalty (10 more of each). So you have to think about the other team’s music and choices too.
    Don’t think too deeply about your PAX’s music choices though; those Peter Gabriel and Depeche Mode rabbit holes can lead you to a dark place(possibly parked out by a lake).

    First bands: Foo Fighters vs. Pink Floyd or Tom Petty
    Team 2 chose Tom Petty but did not return with “Learning to Fly.” Team 1 identified 3 Foo songs, including “Learn to Fly.”

    Smashing Pumpkins, Genesis
    Linked songs: Tonight, Tonight and Tonight Tonight Tonight

    Justin Bieber, nirvana
    Linked songs: Sorry, all apologies

    Justin Bieber, Eminem
    Linked songs: Love Yourself, Lose Yourself

    Bruce Springsteen, CCR
    Linked songs: Born to run and/or Born in USA, Born on the bayou

    Radiohead, Stone Temple Pilots
    Linked songs: Creep (I know, I’ll get you next time Left Eye)

    We all did innumerable merkins and burpees, in spite of TexicoCat bringing the Bieber knowledge.
    Next time, it will be all country garbage songs. I promise, Dox.

    SYITG,
    AB

  • Year in Review 2024: The Ghost of Backblast Past – from Paradox

    Whether you call it Twixmas, Feral Week, or the official week of the automated email , the window of December 25th-January 1 is a great period for quality family time , limited use of pants, and for ignoring nutritional facts. (Even if your Payday has 7g of protein).

    Naturally paired with this season is a look back on the good, bad and ugly of your previous year. And that’s where we’ll start as YHC also needs to issue this backblast as a mea culpa for several missed blasts through the year. Swept up in the undertow of work and diapers were more than a few half written works that just didn’t seem to have enough bowel movements in the day to finish.

    Of course I could pile the excuses higher than the pampers tower in YHCs garage but the burden remains and if the men of F3 thib have taught me anything then it’s how to get back up when the tubs of life truly starts thumping you down. Ergo, we must trudge forth! Like Pliny the Younger providing the only account of Vesuvius, who would tell ABs grandkids about the Christmas miracle ?
    Or like Aristodemus, spared from the final battle of Thermopylae to document those slain, someone must record the heroes of Danger Valve Mondays. Concordantly, this document is my 2024 last stand. To prevail against the waves of procrastination, flares of irritable bowels and all other reasons YHCs blasts went to Apple notes purgatory this year.

    Objectives for this beatdown/blast were ambitious. YHC needed to recognize a tremendous year from our pax and highlight a few glossed over diamonds in the tuff, and to do it all in one big greasy beatdown/blast omelette. You won’t even need mushrooms and salsa to stomach this egg vehicle Senor Mitchell. This behemoth is chocked full of the events, schisms, airport flatulence, franchises, hoosker do’s, hoosker don’ts , 17 different light rock alternatives, wearables, whistling kitty chasers and all of those secret sauces of 2024 F3 Thib that make this group of uncultured hooligans my valued brothers.

    Duke!!
    It’s the Year in Review !!
    Roll that beautiful footage pup.

    10 Tuesday Tuffians were mostly assembled as YHC arrived in a thicc gloom with near perfect beatdown weather. Cool enough for sans mosquitoes but not so chilly that a spray paint crop top would make you uncomfortable ya know, and YHC did know.

    Standard issue warmups with the ever growing detestable schism of slow knee heretics blatantly disregarding the call for “high knees” and instead doing the invasive species “slow high knees”. Like a useless pond grass the south port variant continues its spread, choking the life from more useful warms ups in our precious ecosystem. It’s a slippery slope to power walking fellas, it’s all I’m trying to say. Next it’s “there’s no jump on the burpee” then “Shakira shimmies” for merkins. Before long, once the estrogen levels get high enough, we’ll have a bear problem….(see anchorman et al 2004) …(and look this beatdown needed atleast one bah humbug or I couldn’t maintain the Dickens vibe ok)

    YHC persevered through the mutiny and Wet Tap reduced the tension by reminiscing of misspent youth in Lafayette night clubs. We put a Bumper Mosey bow on it and it was show time.

    YHC wanted to recap the year and one theme seemed recurrent and prominent in my reflections on 2024. Through the joys, sorrows, and everyday grind, in the ups and downs of family life , the sick 2.0s, the injuries , the beauty of new life and pain of lost loved ones. In all those things, God was, is and wants to be truly with us.

    YHC will now attempt to go full Jacob Marley as we fly through 2024 and see the beatdowns of past, present and future.

    In January God was with us in the known and unknown.

    On 1/7/24 Americas Best sparked a trivia revolution with his bd “everybody’s an expert”. YHC remembers running rich man’s loop as he asked us a deep question: “what is one category we know better than the rest”. YHC thought it was a prank and initially answered something like “statefair corndogs” only to realize the remaining pax all gave real heartfelt answers. Finally Cardinal, in his wisdom, suggested a chance I might know antibiotics. How thoughtful.
    When we returned to the stage AB weaponized our strengths (and Pride) against us to reinforce a very cool fact. We all kinda know 1-2 things really well but clearly there’s a vast ocean of facts out there we can humbly claim ignorance to and enjoy the process of learning.

    So to honor this amazing gift we unveiled …
    Rapid Fire AB trivia

    Correct – 7 coupon plank jacks
    Incorrect 7 coupon merks

    #1
    If yogurt and sweet potato had a baby they might produce ABs favorite traditional Polynesian food made from the Taro root.
    (Poi)

    Honeysuckle remembered the runny 3 finger poi as his favorite blend.

    #

    2ABs least favorite breakfast food- (omelette)

    Pope with the immediate answer.

    #3
    When AB first moved to Thibodaux his first job as an optometrist made him smell like fresh Tires. Where was that job? (Sam’s Club)

    Goose struggled with this one a bit but battled to produce Walmart which YHC awarded half credit. This is a great Goosian trait we see on display many beatdowns, if he doesn’t immediately have an answer then a rabid bloodhound is unleashed in his brain searching accurate guesses. Something’s very right with his medulla oblongata.

    #4
    AB has a dog named after the main character in this 1994 classic movie. (Shawshank redemption- Andy Dufrene)

    The group produced both Shawshank and Dufrene.

    Now it was only fair by the writ of habeas corpus that AB get a swing at the pax during his own trial so YHC prepped him the night before to bring a fast ball.

    The Pax produced some fine “Most common wrongs” but could not land on “Time Dilation” as the answer. Great teaser trailer for the 2025 Interstellar beatdown.

    Grand Finale

    On a special night during ABs childhood , in the room he shared with his brother Jeff , AB released flatus so vile that Jeff had to leave the room. When he returned the next morning somehow the smell had gotten much worse. This is event is now known as what?
    (The Christmas miracle)

    Again Goose was flexing his Dawkins trophy by guessing Napalm. Although it was incorrect, I hereby place it #2 on the list of potential FNG names. (Just behind Texaco Cat of course)

    Shoutout to This first hand account added by none other than Jeff Mitchell, who claims his smell never fully recovered.

    AB thank you for the gift of trivia this year. We are proud to call you our Llama Mama.

    In February God was with us on the run.

    2/17/24
    “It’s Only A Mile”

    We recognized two major memories from this awesome day and what is hoped to be a Thibodaux staple event.

    The first was Coach Goose. Anyone who ran more than a lap that day was aided by the one part field general/one part friend that provided stalwart support until the end.
    We also unknowingly picked up our Rookie of the Year, White Meat.

    Maybe it was the movie references or perhaps the pastalaya but he was there at the stage the following Monday rattling off Big Lebowski quotes like a pax veteran. We missed the mark on not naming this man Double Toilet but it’s been great getting to know the Meat and see him rapidly improve.

    Run lap- 10 Goosies
    Run Back 20 picklePounders

    Thank you Goose for your leadership and thank you White meat for courage to try something new.

    In March God was with us building our spiritual foundation brick by brick .

    3/21/24 Popeye VQ

    YHC would be flat out lying if I told you I wasn’t atleast a bit scared/concerned at what a Popeye Q might be. And based on the absolute silence of this usually chattering group during the beginning of the VQ some others were curious where the pain would come from as well. We stayed off his grass and all survived that day and ever since he has set the tone yielding his equally effective weapons of bricks and Yacht Rocks.

    YHC found a song that was Yacht Rockish and represented Pops previous solo brick routine.

    Coupon skips on our mystery song.

    “All by myself “ equals burpee

    One minute off per answer was the plan but these were fairly difficult and YHCs twang did not help a thorough explanation.

    Answers :

    – “ALL by myself “
    – Artist – Eric Carmen
    – other biggest hit song was “hungry eyes” featured in mutiple commercials to represent lusting after foods
    – What Band did he leave: The raspberries
    – Raspberry hit song was “Go all the away” – (hint: on guardians of galaxy soundtrack)

    Thank you Pop for the tough love and for the Sailing lessons.

    In April God was with us as we crank the intensity and carrying our burdens.

    Yankee Jeaux has a well established resume of mega holiday beatdowns that many broadway production companies would envy. Yet he continued to push the bar higher with this Holy Week Stations of the Cross bd. It had the perfect blend of physical demand, silent reflection and opportunity for unity in suffering.

    Thank you YJ, we secretly love your monologues.

    Rucking also exploded onto the F3 Thib scene in the spring of ‘24 so we honored the Co-founders of Warrior Wednesday -Smooth and Honeysuckle. ( and a Tidy Whitey shoutout). These pax showed Great initiative to start and maintain a change of pace on Wednesdays. The ruck/run allows for open conversations and a simple format. Just ask Smooth all you need is a Jansport and a few hammers.

    Both of these pax are connoisseurs of fine country so YHC dialed up ole King George.

    “Carrying your love with me”
    Coupon Step ups

    A classic Smooth “Okay” was the general sentiment regarding coupon step ups.

    Thank you HoneySuckle for your consistency, quality franchise Beatledowns and your God gifted infinity lungs

    Thank you Smooth for cutting edge Maul/tire beatdowns and for always embracing a heavy load with a laugh and an “okay”

    In May God was with us during a challenge.

    This May we had a few wrinkles added to the annual May challenge . Some fasting , mutiple extra point grab opportunities and 3am -6 am 10 mile ruck Ruck that launched 1000 wife complaint’s. It led to some awesomely weird conversations and some revelations about valves call schedule.

    To honor the super ruck and the Dawson 2.0s leading a Weird Al resurgence YHC found a little “YODA” .

    Coup Calf raise on song
    Curls on YODA

    Thanks to Ronnie for giving me a template to ask my M about a middle of the night ruck. (It didn’t help)

    In June God was with us to deal with transitions.

    This one needs little introduction.
    Mr Summerwind expressed all my feelings completely.

    Cardinal to MC
    “80 miles to Santa Fe”

    Parked – Squat
    Lake- Bonnie Blair
    Santa Fe – SSH

    We miss ya Cardinal.
    Beatdown field trip in 2025- it’s happening. Thanks for encouraging the deeper questions and being a rock in our community.

    In July God was with us to move heavy things.

    Wet Tap continued to carve his niche as our Pax premier expert in Coupons of unusual size (COUS). directly or indirectly introducing Black Betty and Tiny this year we learned to fear seeing the high country back into a lot with no cinders in sight.

    Song “Black Betty” by Ram Jam
    We did OHP on Black Betty and Bama Lam

    Thank you Tap, for seeing coupons everywhere you look.

    Mid Year Intermission Song:
    SSHs while YHC highlighted Lil Cuz’s innate ability to add valuable commentary on all things. Everyone sharpens iron in their own way and for Cuz it’s letting you know your beatdown monologue made him uncomfortable and that the veggie tray could use ranch.

    Thank you Cuz for Keeping the bar high. If your brothers aren’t first, your last. Some pax whispers about a 2025 Earl Dibbles bd?!

    In August, God was with us in the Danger.

    The character arc of Safety Valve from friendly neighbor to Monday Supervillain has been nothing short of amazing. To sum it up best I pulled the YELP reviews from the pax on Mondays after a standard valve bd:

    Popeye: Is Valve okay?

    White Meat: I’m hurting Linda.

    Goose: Does his insurance cover therapy? Asking for a friend.

    Pope: I feel a new sensation of being short of breath.

    Popeye: seriously, he ok?

    …it goes on like that for a few pages.

    To honor our much loved merkin maniac YHC called in some classic Kenny Loggins.
    Highway to the Danger Valve
    IW -Song
    Double Merkin Burpee on Danger Zone.

    Thanks for never letting off the gas Valveline.
    I like the way you hurt a man.

    In September God was with us to sharpen Iron.

    Remind me again, Whose idea was Iron PAX plus BK 500 in the same month?! We must have been really high on Jersey Mikes that day.

    As it happened, September 2024 at F3 Thibodaux was a minefield of some of the most difficult beatdowns we’ve ever attempted. It seems the brain trust up in Greenwood got together this year and decided there was a nationwide deficit in thrusters and burpees. This led to several snot woggle Saturdays where the legs were weakened but the shared suffering was stronger than ever.

    To cap off the month we pivoted our annual SV500 into a fall friendly event and this year supported the nonprofit Brothers Keeper. Goose kept tradition by building a ridiculous but well thought out 20 station course that was much more defensible against questionable form. Inch worm merkins and the station 1 Dora still keep pax in cold sweats.

    The dark horse team of Valve and Cardinal , now simply known as Second Collection, won the overall category and we’re still investigating that “anonymous” benefactor.

    Song:
    GreenDay
    “Wake me up when September Ends “

    On your 6 Hold coupon in press position.
    Alt between flutter kicks , heels to heaven , leg raises.
    WW3 sit-ups on “September”

    Thanks to all who made the BK500 a great success.

    In October/November God was with us to converge with our fellow brothers and to celebrate several milestones.
    Our Bayou pax of 4 years , Goose with a 5 year and the NOLA region hit the 10 year mark!

    These milestones could only be recognized by The GOOSELIZER. (As designed and led by Goose on the spot at Convergence)
    A deconstructed SSH montage with plank jacks in between. It’s a thing of synchronized beauty.

    Thanks to our NOLA brothers for continued support.

    And finally we adjusted our reverse time dilators as we arrived back at December safely at our cozy stage.

    December brings the season of Paxmas beatdowns as we prepare the way together. We had to adjust our Christmas carol expectations and even saw an exposed coca Cola Santa for the fraud he is. Chests and Butts were roasted on an open fire as ThighKowsky made a final bow. We saw a new grinch bring the Whoville pain and we were yearning for a YJ soliloquy. All this bringing us to an open field, a sky full of stars and vintage Goosing complete with 9000 pancakes plus a question :“Could we allow God to be bigger than us ?”

    Song : God is with Us
    Artist: For King and Country
    -Coupon High Knees
    -Thrusters on God is with Us

    The last counting and naming of 2024 then in another slightly less smelly miracle YHC gifted the Push-up Pimp to Valve.
    Great year of growth brother.

    Announcements
    -Get on Da Q Sheet
    -Feb 8 It’s only a Mile
    -White Mystery Meat Q (TBD)

    Prayers
    – winter illness’s
    – Holiday anxieties

    Thank you pax for these gifts and of the opportunity to lead and share together in all things that God provided in 2024.

    I’ll wrap us up with a little sprinkle of what Mr. Clive Staples had to say on this matter and as my own challenge for 2025.

    “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

    I pray we can see all things in this new year with the Light He provides.

    God is with us.

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Belch at the Peltch – from Goose

    12 men (big and little) gathered courageously at The Peltch for the final, brutal IPC of 2024. For one in particular, it took a lot of courage: the soon-to-be-named L-loyd, Safety Valve’s FNG 2.0, Peyton saw a circle of large, surly men grunting through the dark morning’s tightness, one of whom was wearing what looked to be a woman’s tank top, and he was reluctant to jump in. So was YHC, but not Duke–he was the opposite of reluctant this morning, and he ran to make friends with the other similar sized human form in the gloom, and they warmed up in mini 2.0 fashion about 20 yards away.

    Eventually, unable to push off the inevitable any longer, we gathered the gear and headed to the track. The IPC went like this:
    8 rounds, 5 minutes apiece: 200 m run, 30 reps of a given exercise, 200m run, and then burpees till the end of the 5 minutes. Count your total burpee reps over the 8 rounds for your “score”. The exercises were as follows:

    Round 1: Freddy Mercurys
    2: Pickle Pounders
    3: Flutter Kicks
    4. Plank Jacks
    5. Monkey Humpers
    6. Squats
    7. LBC’s
    8. SSH

    Spirits were still high for Round 1 as the PAX mumblechattered their way around the track, the mini 2.0’s sprinted ahead, and all completed more burpees in 2.5 minutes than they expected to. Round 2 on went about as expected: mumblechatter was greatly reduced, the carefully curated playlist became just background noise, Honeysuckle stayed about 40-50 yards ahead of the pack, the mini 2.0’s played imaginary football (or something) on the field, and everything but counts sank into the brain fog.

    Despite the threat of takeover from the survival instinct, YHC still had the wherewithal to notice the awesome effort of every man out there, including the medium 2.0s. Nobody walked, and the majority stayed ahead of YHC on the track pushing hard the entire time, keeping the bar high, and not saving anything for the ride home.

    Admittedly, YHC was having a hard time performing at any kind of heroic level. The runs were the much needed breaks, and catching up to the front runners felt impossible. And, with only one glove, YHC quickly followed Valve’s lead in taking advantage of the (little bit) softer turf to avoid the cheese grater that the track was on the hands during burpees. His performance (and later Dox’s) right next to me was impressive, as was Honeysuckle’s and everyone who started doing burpees ahead of YHC (which was everyone but Smooth, who remains impressive in his ability to joyfully accept and own the things that are killing him, which usually include lots of running and burpees. Here’s to the clydesdales.).

    After round 8, YHC flopped to the ground drinking in the free oxygen before Dox hauled me back to vertical position from which I could see a yard sale of heaving bodies splayed on the track. But, we still had 7 minutes left, so after a 10-count, YHC turned off the Amy Grant, and we headed back to the flag for some Mary. More exercise certainly wasn’t easy, but anything was better than burpees.

    At 7:30, we counted off, and during name off shared the number of burpees achieved. YHC though it would be good to allow the monumental feat each man had accomplished to be known and appreciated by others. Each man had something to be proud of, especially Honeysuckle who cranked out 208, earning him the coveted Blue Tube.

    In an interesting, cosmic amalgamation of many small circumstances and decisions, Valve and YHC somehow finished at the exact same number. And we didn’t start or stop or take breaks at the same time or anything. What does it mean? What implications does it have? What does it reveal about the space-time fabric of the F3 Universe?

    These questions would have to wait as we had an FNG to name. Peyton is into Legos, particularly Ninjago, so it was an easy decision. L-loyd (pronounced “luh-loyd”) was quickly christened, and we’re sure to see his small, fast form sprinting ahead of many a Peltch Indian Run line.

    There’s nothing quite like suffering through really tough stuff together with a group of good men, which is why YHC looks forward to September every year. But, thank God it’s over. We did it, and now we can rest on our laurels. Until Monday.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • An Anniversary of Something – from Honeysuckle

    Nine men Came Together at the Lion’s savannah for the 55th anniversary of Something. What exactly that was, we’d have to find out later. First a good warmarama, and thorough, was needed, with the usuals.

    Then a mosey through Aldi’s parking lot to Rienzi drive, through the St Francis vegetable and Octopus Garden. Despite some fears that the garden shed was going to be involved, we moseyed right past to the basketball court. The door was locked, so we’d have to come in through the back room window anyway.

    Thang 1 was to be a Dora consisting of 155 Merkins, 155 Squats, and 155 Hillbilly Walkers (2:1). Full time transport was Carioca. This was chosen as we were right in the middle of a Tuesday IPC and a Saturday BK 500. No coupons, so no carrying that weight. And no Paradox today, so no one to call YHC “Honey” or even Oh Darling. All this was written on YHC’s Polythene-covered paper. Smooth and YHC were lagging behind, in no small part due to bad math. But Because of that, the Majesty of the PAX to pick us up at The End was on full display.

    During the Dora, YHC dropped several clues about the magical mystery anniversary and greatly enjoyed the back and forth among Yankee Joe, Goose, AB, and Popeye about what it might be, and eventually the order of release of Beatles albums. Still, the PAX didn’t take long to deduce that today was the 55th anniversary of the release of Abbey Road by the Beatles. This would lead to Thang 2.

    Thang 2 was to be “AB”-bey Road. Following three medleys in the album, YHC had prepared a medley of Mary exercises. The first medley was a single track, You Never Give Me Your Money (as in the case of F3). America’s Best, having smelled that trivia was occurring, began his usual tact of messing up YHC’s questions by stating all (well, at least some of) the trivia he knew about the topic at once. Surprisingly, when Pope began doing the same, all I could think is Here Comes the (goose’s) Son also.

    The second medley was Mean Mr Mustard, Polythene Pam, and She Came in Through the Bathroom Window. We then discussed the intracies of the album cover and how people used it to perpetuate the “Paul is Dead” conspiracy.

    Finally, to AB’s chagrin we skipped Golden Slumbers to jump right in to Carry that Weight, The End, and Her Majesty.

    Mosey back to the savannah. We then did a mini-equalizer to grab another minute of work. The Fire Within went from White Meat to Pope. Announcements included YHC’s poor Paradox impression to hype up the BK 500. Popeye prayed us out.

    Thanks PAX for knowing that one day you’d have to listen to the Beatles and showing up day in and day out anyway.

    SYITG,
    Honeysuckle

  • IPC Stragglers – from Goose

    A few of us had waited till the regular Saturday, Peltch-fest IPC time to crank out the hoagies and grinders, I mean burpees and thrusters. Or, maybe we were grateful for the chance to put it off till the last minute.
    As the expected PAX waded in through the waste deep water, and the rain continued for the fourth straight day, YHC was looking for a place where we could do thrusters in the grass but burpees on the pavement. (Mud burpees are fun, but not if you’re trying to do over 200 for time.) That’s when the last person any of expected to show up showed up. That’s right, Yankee Joe, Mr. Backiotomy himself, pulled up with the Prius’s waterproof battery installed.
    He immediately revealed The Fire Within, and that, combined with YHC’s being clad in Phil the Hurt, Enron’s left-out feelings began to stir. But, hey, there are only three named tank tops to go around, so, you’ll have to wait your turn.
    After a lengthy warmup for maximum back and shoulder loosening, we moseyed to the edge of the playground where the coupon herd awaited us. After some debate about the best combo of mud and pavement, Smooth pointed out that the wooden pylons around the playground made for perfectly spaced stalls for each PAX.
    YHC explained the routine at YJ’s request, revealing that had YJ known what a back-blaster this workout would be, he may not have been so cavalier in jumping back into the fray. But here we were, so suggested modifications were given, the music was cued up, and the tyrannical EMOM timer was unleashed.
    Round 1 was done by all with plenty of confidence, each of us surprised and hopeful at the amount of thrusters we could fit into the 40-ish seconds left after five quick burpees. And that was it—that’s how long the confidence and hope lasted. Round 2 revealed the truth—we were in for a long, awful grind made possible only by the fact that the man next to you wasn’t gonna stop. And the men Wednesday didn’t stop. So, don’t think about how many are left, don’t think about whether you can do it, and definitely don’t take breaks—the loop monster was hot on our heels.
    Enron and Valve were driving each other at a breakneck pace, and Pope was popping burpees like they were side straddle hops. YHC, on the other hand, takes a little longer to throw this long, heavy body around, and after seeing Honeysuckle’s performance on Wednesday and hearing that his thruster form was impeccable throughout, my thrusters would have to be real thrusters. Elbows to knees every time. No man should be left alone in his suffering, and doing that many proper thrusters in under 25 minutes is suffering, no matter how low your resting heart rate is.
    Pope, Enron, and Valve took off on the 400 meter run, but YHC still had a ways to go. YJ and Smooth were courageously sticking with it. Smooth even commented that he was already farther along than he got on Wednesday. What a hoss.
    The numbers kept creeping along, with every thrusters and burpee bought at a high price. They each felt valuable, but there were still so, so many required before the rewards of rest and pride could be attained.
    YHC hoped irrationally that the second half would at least start off a little easier given the recovery mosey and the change up of exercises, but the EMOM thrusters, though doable, did not pair well with the effort to max out burpees. YHC thought maybe shrinking the expectations of how many burpees were actually doable in the time given would bring some relief, but it only meant more thrusters. It was a cruel trap with only one long, agonizing way out.
    Eventually, as with most things in life, the few burpees every minute did actually add up to 100, and it was time to rejoin the land of the living , where people generally have hope and a sense of humor.
    After a needed recovery mosey (once YHC could rise from the ground) it was time for the PAX to take the load off Annie/YJ, so we all took the necessary amount of burpees to get him to 100, and then turned our attention to Smooth. He peacefully let us know that he’d been in a thruster loop for quite a while and felt no pressure to get out of it. It was like watching your friend get slowly eaten by a monster, but he’s like, “It’s ok, brother. These things happen. This isn’t my first, and it won’t be my last.”
    With two minutes left, we did some Hello Dollies and LBC’s in puddles to get us to 7:30, and then it was back to the flag for shirt swapping and COT.
    The Fire Within went to Valve for some cool reason (does anyone even listen to those anymore? Or have the reasons become too arbitrary? Valve noticed this, and brought it to YHC’s attention. It could be anything from a manly performance to a well placed fart. Each named shirt may need some clearly assigned criteria for what earns it. That could get fun.) Smooth earned the new Phil the Hurt by willingly doing IPC twice. Not sure how it’s gonna fit, though.
    YJ prayed us out, and we’re grateful for the 24 hours of not having to think about/
    dread the next one. Yet, somehow, there’s nothing quite like September. Grateful to suffer with you fellas.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • IPC week 0 @ the Coliseum – from Honeysuckle

    YHC plus four PAX arrived at the coliseum in the black, star lined night.

    Warmarama
    SSH, arm circles, cherry pickers, windmills

    Wet tap marked the 200 m turnaround point.

    Right before the EMOM timer was started, popeye dropped this gem: you know, it’s possible to get into an endless burpee loop. With that segue, the pax immediately had to chew on this as the burpees started.

    Some time during the first half, smooth operator began coughing and the only question was bottle of red, bottle of white? We would later learn that he swallowed an insect or some grass, and it was not a symptom of thruster madness.

    YHC was questioning several things during this event, but the overwhelming feeling of claustrophobia kept things moving forward because they had to. EMOM to the left of me, exercises to the right. No amount of pleases could shield us. A break would mean one step closer to the burpee doom loop.

    Overall, the Pax agreed that the most surprising part was the amount of time taken up by the 5 exercises at the EMOM beep. Regardless, every one put forth a consistently high level of effort until the end. Eventually, the 6 arrived.

    Blue tube passed on from wet tap to popeye. Word on the street is that week 1 IPC is putting on and removing it. Wet tap prayed us out.

    Good luck to the Saturday crew.

    Syitg,
    Honeysuckle

    I heard it through the honeysuckle vine
    —did paradox hack into valve’s Spotify? It may not be that hard now that he’s stealing their WiFi.
    —the mowed track at the coliseum worked out well for this workout. The jury is still out if YHC will develop a belly rash
    —smooth did not use gloves today!

  • Bringing Force to the Balance – from America’s Best

    YHC almost fell into the shower the other day. The strength and balance to not fall on my face was attributed to F3, and so YHC decided to focus on balance for this beatdown.

    Warmarama preceded by a half-fast disclaimer for the FNG.
    SSH, Windmills, Imperial Walkers, arm circles, mountain climbers, cherry pickers, self love, not in this order.

    Thang Number One: Modified Dora

    150 coupon curls while partner bear-crawls out and moseys back. Each time a partner begins the curls, however, he must first do 4 standing on the left leg, then 4 on the right leg.

    150 Prime-Time Merkins, as the partner murder-bunnies out and rifle carries back. All of the merkins should have been alternating feet, but some of the PAX proved themselves Not-Ready-for-Prime-Time Players and only did the first 8 as such.

    250 Air Squats, again with the first 8 on one leg only. Partner takes a lap.

    As punishment for merkin malfeasance, the PAX took a quick mosey/nur before:

    Thang Number Two: Balancing Bedlam–>Joe Cocker–>Wreck it Ralph

    PAX circles two bricks. One man balances one foot on a brick in the center, leaning over to pick up a second brick, then puts it back. During this, the remaining PAX in the circle are holding Mission Impossible. Every time the man on the brick touches the ground, all do a Ranger Merkin.
    (Change the middle man each time, alternating in Al Gore with Bobby Hurleys, and standard plank with standard merkins. Repeato.)

    During each round, about one minute of a song plays, and once that minute is up, the PAX guess the year it was released. The difference between their guess and the actual year is the number of Burpees we all get to do. [EDIT: In an effort to further game-ify (confuse), YHC decided that we would also subtract the number of times the man in the middle picked up the brick, then use the absolute value of that for our number of Burpees. This led to absolutely no strategic changes, as everyone still tried to pick up the brick as many times as possible. These guys are competitive!]
    A second trivia element was also woven in, as all the songs had a common theme. Guess that theme, and we would cut the number of Burpees in half (wrong answers would double them). Maneater provided the correct answer (bands have color in the name) around round 4, but since it was AFTER we had done the burpees for that round, YHC ignored it until the next round.
    Takeaways: As expected, Honeysuckle’s internal gyroscope was activated and he demonstrated the greatest balance. Enron kept his balance surprisingly well, and provided an uncanny Joe Cocker impression when he did fall. The PAX in general did very well on guessing year, but it didn’t matter, because math.
    YHC was undisputedly the worst at balancing, going full Mario and breaking the brick, signifying the end of the beatdown.

    COT
    In spite of avoiding eye contact with Goose, Wet Tap earned the Blue Tube.
    FNG became ShamWow.
    Safety Valve Prayed us out.

    SYITG,

    AB

  • Life to the MAX – from Paradox

    Facts only:

    It would be super duper to have an FNG visit from Poland.

    And if that FNG posted every day on his vacation, pretty Rad as well.

    Could we name him after a nerd scientist with big BIG ideas .
    For certain.

    But What if I told you (switch to Morpheus voice )
    What If I told you, that an FNG from Poland closely connected to one of our own posted all week long through ridiculous IPC preps with a huge smile on his face ?

    And I hope now that you are nice and lathered up and your Garmin is recording …because what if one of those same days was actually a feast day for one of the greatest Polish Saints in history ?!

    These were the facts in Aug 15 2024 and 10 pax were present at the Den to share the labor.

    Grab that red pill and come on in!

    Duke! Get the Coups
    It’s IPC prepppp

    FACTS:
    St Max Kolbe was a Catholic polish priest who lived from 1894 to 1941.
    Known as the Saint of Aushwitz
    He died on August 14 1941 volunteering to exchange his life for another prisoner.

    Those are the facts for this beatdown men.
    I’ll spare the usual dox fluff (just this once) and encourage you to dig more on this Saints incredible life of sacrifice.

    Each round :
    Reps : 10, 9, 8 …etc to 1
    MOT in between varies

    We kept it simple
    Each round for a rule of life for St Kolbe.

    1. Devotion to our lady at an early age

    Purity – no cheat merkins
    MOT bearcrawl

    2.) Take care of your body in order for our body’s to better be able to glorify and serve God and others.

    **As a Friar- he founded one of the largest Franciscan orders of his age
    Devoted to exercise he was diligent about starting the day with mutiple rounds of jumping jacks. Seems like a man who loved SSHs and being in time. YHC wishes he had more neighbors like this …

    SSH and Karaoke

    3.) Worked hard to spread the gospel by all means necessary
    Radio, magazine , theater etc

    Coupon Squats and coupon Lunges

    All of a sudden you could hear every cricket at the Den

    4.) We need strong men trained in the faith.
    Militia Immaculate
    Rifle Carry and Overhead Press

    5.) We have a mission to Carry Faith Abroad-
    Setup community in Nagasaki
    Burpees and Broad Jumps

    6.) Growth toward Ultimate Sacrifice

    53 merkins for 53 years that Franciszek Gawoniczek lived after St Kolbe gave up his life for him.

    COT and tremendous gratitude to Copernicus for showing up all week. Thank you for sharing your story and the suffering with us. We hope you made it through customs with all that F3 swag.

    St Kolbe , pray for us !

    SYITG
    Dox