F3 New Orleans

Tag: Teravanilli

  • Say Anything – from America’s Best

    A farmer with a wolf, a goat, and a cabbage must cross a river by boat. The boat can carry only the farmer and a single item. If left unattended together, the wolf would eat the goat, or the goat would eat the cabbage. How can they cross the river without anything being eaten?

    YHC gave the PAX too much credit thinking this riddle was already familiar to most of them. Alas, these kids are products of always having the internet… all they know these days is skibidi toilets.

    My generation had to busy ourselves with riddles and Lollapalooza. Now these guys are all like, “Oh, is this kombucha rizz?”
    And
    “Cusak is so obsessed with lookmaxxing thinking he’s gonna mog everyone else on the gram with his digital drip.”

    And that’s why you couldn’t figure out the riddle, Montana.

    Our riddle went like this:
    You have 3 burdens to get across the River (between the sidewalks)
    A bear (coupon)
    A rabbit (coupon)
    A bag of grain (coupon)
    Same rules, you can only bring one burden at a time. And because the bear would eat the rabbit, or the rabbit would eat the grain, you can’t leave those two coupons alone.
    MOT when moving the bear=block bear

    MOT when moving the rabbit= murder bunny

    MOT when moving the grain=Cusak (so it doesn’t get wet obvs.)

    It’s a Dora, so partner will be doing
    100 goblet squats
    200 merkins
    300 imperial walkers (1:1)

    BUT FIRST: Cusak
    PAX circled and listened to (who else?) Peter Gabriel. For the first half of the song, we’d run in place and curl on every “eyes.” Second half, we held Cusak (coupon overhead) and did overhead press on each “eyes.”
    Uneventful, although when YHC asked the PAX to identify the language PG was spouting at the end, Goose confidently said “Swahili.”
    Dox was so in awe of Goose’s ability to figure this out that YHC didn’t have the heart to tell him it was actually Wolof.
    Can you imagine the heartbreak of learning your hero doesn’t even know the difference between eastern and western African languages?

    And then we began the chaos that was The Riddle Dora. I have little idea what went down, but it seemed like most people were struggling mentally and physically, and I can’t ask for much more.
    Upon completion, YHC kinda said, “ok, let’s run it back,” and some of us maybe reversed the process and went back across the river.

    YHC finally called it, and we moved into the final thang:
    F3 exicon trivia

    Having finally convinced TeraVanilli to join the cul… er, free men’s workout, I thought it would be good to intro him to all the stupid names for stupid exercises we have. So to help remember the stupid names, I came up with a stupid trivia question for each one.
    YHC named an exercise, and each man performed one, ring-of-fire style. Then I asked a question based on the name, and we did more for each wrong answer.
    Dubbed by Doc “The Around the Horn Massacre,” we didn’t do a single proper ring of fire for any of the following:
    Merkins: a merkin is a garment/accessory worn in what profession?
    This first one went Around the Horn without a correct answer. YHC, in all his graciousness, accepted “porn” as a correct answer from TV.

    Groiners: what TV bartender sang an awful rap that included the line “a groin injury”?
    Goose called out “Moe” — incorrect, more groiners.
    At this point, Dox was livid. “You skipped me! You skipped me!” Ok, sorry Dox, your turn.
    “Moe!”
    Still wrong. More groiners

    Burpees: What Full Houser wrote and performed the song “The Burpin Chili Man?”
    White Meat knew it. But he didn’t know “the annoying guy’s” name. Popeye nailed it. Teravanilli opined “isn’t it ironic?”

    Big Boys: Big Boy is a restaurant chain featuring a mascot holding up what item?
    Popeye nailed this one immediately.

    LBCs: Little Boy is famously the name of what historical one-time use device?
    Anthough my favorite answer of the morning, SV’s guess of “a condom?” Was not correct. HS correctly identified it as a nuke.
    Goose augmented the name of the plane that carried Little Boy to something like the Esmerelda Gay.

    Thrusters: Thrust is one of the four forces that act on an airplane. Name the other 3.
    Unintentionally, Safety Valve’s turn had just passed. Dox was very happy with his answer “lift” until I repeated that I needed all 3 other forces. The question moved to Honeysuckle and around this time Dox took his stethoscope and went home.
    HS got drag and then Goose or someone got weight. Probably should have given HS credit for gravity.

    Apollo Ohnos: Apollo Creed was played by whom?
    HS didn’t know Carl Weathers, but Goose did.

    Bonnie Blairs: what does Bonnie mean in Scottish?
    Goose knows all things Celtic.

    Manmakers: The song “I’ll make a man out of you” pertains to which Disney Princess?
    TeraVanilli’s turn, and because he likely knew every one of these answers except this one, it was perfect. Once opened up to the floor, several girl-dads knew it was Mulan.

    Absolutions: Absolute zero is 0 degrees on what scale?
    Back to Pope, who likely knew it but wanted to practice more absolutions so took a dive and said Farenheit. This set up Yankee Jeaux to improve his science score dramatically with the correct answer of Kelvin. It was later determined that this was coincidental, as White Meat had just asked him who was his cousin from East Saint Louis.

    COT and JY prayed us out.

    SYITG,
    AB

  • More Like South Nazareth – from Goose

    YHC and Pope pulled up to the Stage this morning to find a strange SUV parked and running in typical FNG fashion. AB had hinted at this possibility, so YHC exited the truck gingerly so as not to scare him away. Then, we noticed that there were two in the SUV, one of whom was bald, bearded, and bespectacled, and bore a striking resemblance to a pic that had been posted on the Learned League GroupMe the week earlier and had become the center of attention over the last couple of days. It was, indeed, Kendall Theriot, the only non-Mitchell to give AB a run for the local title for sharpest Llama. But, alas, KT had lost in dramatic fashion to his own son this very morning, and the fall was great. That fall included a loss in a wager with an agreement to join AB at F3 should he lose the tournament to him. It was good to finally put a body to the head, a voice to the digital trash talk. YHC couldn’t wait to hear the kind of chatter that would flow this morning (especially after Tana, a long-time friend of his, also pulled in). KT will henceforth be referred to by Teravanilli, his newly minted name.

    We started with the usual warmups after the disclaimer was given, and YHC was reminded of his first beatdown (my legs were completely shot after the warmup). Then, YHC explained that, since tomorrow is St. Joseph’s Day, we’d celebrate a little early with a St. Joseph themed beatdown today.

    The first thang was a partner Dora to steep a bit in the life of a carpenter in Nazareth (which was more like a builder, most likely). While one partner worked on 200 one-armed rows (sawing), 100 brick layers, and 50 thrusters, the other partner, the beast of burden, block-and-beared across to the opposite sidewalk before rifle carrying back. YHC chose music that Joseph may have listened to if he had a bluetooth speaker, traditional Nazareth pop music (well, more like South Nazareth).

    After about 3 minutes, our good, hard work was interrupted by a dream (“Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics) wherein the Angel Gabriel told us that our fiance’ was pregnant via the Holy Spirit. Then, we discovered that we had to travel all the way to Bethlehem, our ancestral land, because of a census. So, we dropped everything right where it was and started hoofing it. We headed up the newly opened Stretch and made our way around to Rich Man’s Loop, where the townhouses began. It took us a while to get there since Mary’s pregnant and needing to go a little slower (this role was played impeccably by Teravanilli). So, the inns (townhouses) were all full. We knew this because we bear crawled to the front of each and jumped up and down asking for help (25 jump squats, for the 25th of December).

    The “inns” were rather close together, and the version of “Little Town of Bethlehem” that YHC chose was rather long, so the jump squats started quickly looking less and less like a desperate cry for help and more and more like a geriatric twerking class. Soon enough, however, we were given respite in a stable out behind one of the “inns”, and after the child was born, we started to get settled in our new location. But, once again, we were unexpectedly interrupted by Gabriel/Annie Lennox, and it was time to hoof it to Egypt, no time to lose.

    Egypt was over where the monuments to the kings of Thibodaux stand, and after a pickup-six, we completed a quick song routine to the expected Bangles hit “Walk Like an Egyptian”. Imperial Walkers for the duration and Bonnie Blairs for every “Egyptian”. So, pretty much 4 minutes of Imperial Walkers (there are only like 4 “Egyptians”–who knew?).

    Gabrielrhytmics came back one more time to let us know that the coast was clear, and we needed to head back home to Nazareth. This is where we’d live out the last of our days as a Simple Man (Lynard Skynard style), continuing our work as a carpenter (the rest of the Dora) until our time expired.

    It may seem like Joseph was jerked around, that Gabriel/God took his simple, predictable life from him and forced him to move from place to place, trying to keep his little family alive. But, what makes St. Joseph so great, and so blessed, is that he was willing to say “yes” and do what was asked of him, trusting that God would provide, and most importantly, that it was worth it. So, he gave up everything, but what he gained was the Creator of the Universe, God Himself, in his arms, in his home, every day for the rest of his life. Not a bad trade-off. He just had to let go of control, to let go of what He could picture, and trust that God truly knows what He’s doing.

    The PAX was impressed by Teravanilli’s willingness to show up and keep pushing despite a tough experience. We’ve all been there (and were there again just this past Saturday), so it means a lot when one more man makes the leap to go through it with us. The FNG naming took a while–there was so much good material–but YHC was taken by YJ’s suggestion at the very beginning of the beatdown to call him Teravanilli, an answer to one of the questions in the infamous trivia league loss. (If a millivanilli is 1/1000th of a vanilli, what is 1 trillion vanillis?). So, he’ll have a good time trying to explain that every time he introduces himself. We fully expect to see him Thursday morning.

    Announcements, COT, and Cuz prayed us out. Thanks for playing along this morning, fellas–I’ll forward any Ring videos from neighbors as I receive them.

    SYITG,
    Goose