F3 New Orleans

Tag: White Meat

  • Say Anything – from America’s Best

    A farmer with a wolf, a goat, and a cabbage must cross a river by boat. The boat can carry only the farmer and a single item. If left unattended together, the wolf would eat the goat, or the goat would eat the cabbage. How can they cross the river without anything being eaten?

    YHC gave the PAX too much credit thinking this riddle was already familiar to most of them. Alas, these kids are products of always having the internet… all they know these days is skibidi toilets.

    My generation had to busy ourselves with riddles and Lollapalooza. Now these guys are all like, “Oh, is this kombucha rizz?”
    And
    “Cusak is so obsessed with lookmaxxing thinking he’s gonna mog everyone else on the gram with his digital drip.”

    And that’s why you couldn’t figure out the riddle, Montana.

    Our riddle went like this:
    You have 3 burdens to get across the River (between the sidewalks)
    A bear (coupon)
    A rabbit (coupon)
    A bag of grain (coupon)
    Same rules, you can only bring one burden at a time. And because the bear would eat the rabbit, or the rabbit would eat the grain, you can’t leave those two coupons alone.
    MOT when moving the bear=block bear

    MOT when moving the rabbit= murder bunny

    MOT when moving the grain=Cusak (so it doesn’t get wet obvs.)

    It’s a Dora, so partner will be doing
    100 goblet squats
    200 merkins
    300 imperial walkers (1:1)

    BUT FIRST: Cusak
    PAX circled and listened to (who else?) Peter Gabriel. For the first half of the song, we’d run in place and curl on every “eyes.” Second half, we held Cusak (coupon overhead) and did overhead press on each “eyes.”
    Uneventful, although when YHC asked the PAX to identify the language PG was spouting at the end, Goose confidently said “Swahili.”
    Dox was so in awe of Goose’s ability to figure this out that YHC didn’t have the heart to tell him it was actually Wolof.
    Can you imagine the heartbreak of learning your hero doesn’t even know the difference between eastern and western African languages?

    And then we began the chaos that was The Riddle Dora. I have little idea what went down, but it seemed like most people were struggling mentally and physically, and I can’t ask for much more.
    Upon completion, YHC kinda said, “ok, let’s run it back,” and some of us maybe reversed the process and went back across the river.

    YHC finally called it, and we moved into the final thang:
    F3 exicon trivia

    Having finally convinced TeraVanilli to join the cul… er, free men’s workout, I thought it would be good to intro him to all the stupid names for stupid exercises we have. So to help remember the stupid names, I came up with a stupid trivia question for each one.
    YHC named an exercise, and each man performed one, ring-of-fire style. Then I asked a question based on the name, and we did more for each wrong answer.
    Dubbed by Doc “The Around the Horn Massacre,” we didn’t do a single proper ring of fire for any of the following:
    Merkins: a merkin is a garment/accessory worn in what profession?
    This first one went Around the Horn without a correct answer. YHC, in all his graciousness, accepted “porn” as a correct answer from TV.

    Groiners: what TV bartender sang an awful rap that included the line “a groin injury”?
    Goose called out “Moe” — incorrect, more groiners.
    At this point, Dox was livid. “You skipped me! You skipped me!” Ok, sorry Dox, your turn.
    “Moe!”
    Still wrong. More groiners

    Burpees: What Full Houser wrote and performed the song “The Burpin Chili Man?”
    White Meat knew it. But he didn’t know “the annoying guy’s” name. Popeye nailed it. Teravanilli opined “isn’t it ironic?”

    Big Boys: Big Boy is a restaurant chain featuring a mascot holding up what item?
    Popeye nailed this one immediately.

    LBCs: Little Boy is famously the name of what historical one-time use device?
    Anthough my favorite answer of the morning, SV’s guess of “a condom?” Was not correct. HS correctly identified it as a nuke.
    Goose augmented the name of the plane that carried Little Boy to something like the Esmerelda Gay.

    Thrusters: Thrust is one of the four forces that act on an airplane. Name the other 3.
    Unintentionally, Safety Valve’s turn had just passed. Dox was very happy with his answer “lift” until I repeated that I needed all 3 other forces. The question moved to Honeysuckle and around this time Dox took his stethoscope and went home.
    HS got drag and then Goose or someone got weight. Probably should have given HS credit for gravity.

    Apollo Ohnos: Apollo Creed was played by whom?
    HS didn’t know Carl Weathers, but Goose did.

    Bonnie Blairs: what does Bonnie mean in Scottish?
    Goose knows all things Celtic.

    Manmakers: The song “I’ll make a man out of you” pertains to which Disney Princess?
    TeraVanilli’s turn, and because he likely knew every one of these answers except this one, it was perfect. Once opened up to the floor, several girl-dads knew it was Mulan.

    Absolutions: Absolute zero is 0 degrees on what scale?
    Back to Pope, who likely knew it but wanted to practice more absolutions so took a dive and said Farenheit. This set up Yankee Jeaux to improve his science score dramatically with the correct answer of Kelvin. It was later determined that this was coincidental, as White Meat had just asked him who was his cousin from East Saint Louis.

    COT and JY prayed us out.

    SYITG,
    AB

  • The Yote Bowl – from Goose

    The ‘Yote Bowl
    By Coyote
                      The morning presented itself to YHC as crisp and chilly. The crazy winds that had been batting at us all week had taken a break for the weekend: a perfect day for a little F3 flag-football. Pope and YHC set up a field about fifty yards long with five-yard end zones and a first down line halfway through the field.
                      The Pax showed up quickly, and YHC was not surprised that there were so many 2.0’s, including YHC. Yankee Joe and Brass Monkey showed up a little late, but nobody noticed. YHC and the Pax skimmed over warmups and moseyed over to the Field by Bayou Road, the place where the field was. The teams were assembled, Team 1 consisting of Goose, White Meat, Brass Monkey, Lil Cuz, Bam-Bam, Jackknife, and Pikachu. Team 2 had Man-Eater, Yankee Joe, Cap’n D, Pope, Darrel Strawberry, Duke, and YHC. YHC announced that there would be a football trivia question every touchdown, and every five minutes on the minute, the Pax would have to do five burpees. Team 2 started with the ball, moved down the field, and ended the drive with a disappointing punt. Team 1 got the ball, and after a few plays, were four yards from the first down line on fourth down. They went for it and a pass from Lil Cuz to Brass monkey was batted down. Team 2 got the ball, and finished the drive with a touchdown to Man Eater on a flea-flicker play.  The trivia awaited, and “Who has the record for most rushing yards in a season?” tested the knowledge of the Pax.  Cap’n D answered with Eric Dickerson: the correct answer. The score was Team 2:7, Team 1:0. Team 1 got the ball, and wasted no time telling us that they were not brushoffs and moved down the field fast. On first and goal, Lil Cuz threw a pass meant for either Goose or Brass Monkey. Either way, they both jumped up, focused on the ball, ready to snag it out of the air…and slammed into each other. Quote Goose, “When I saw that ball in the air, I felt like I was 12 again.” They redeemed themselves and scored on a pass to Brass Monkey. Cap’n D answered the next question, and we played on. 7-7. Next, Man Eater threw a bomb meant for Yankee, but it was intercepted by Cuz. Team 1 Scored on another pass to Goose. 14-7. The next drive was interesting, and YHC’s team stuck to short passes and handoffs, more than half of them going to Pope, and Cap’n D caught a touchdown pass, and answered the question correctly. Game tied 14-14. Team 2 drove down the field, and this drive put the 2.0’s on the map. Bam-Bam caught the first pass of the drive and ran six yards, then he caught another pass for more yards. Then Brass Monkey smashed through Team 2’s entire defense and got a first down. Then Jackknife caught a pass and ran through a wide-open hole to the three-yard line. Then Bam-Bam caught a touchdown pass and Team 1 took the lead 21-14. Again, Cap’n D blew the trivia out of the water. On the first play of the next drive Man Eater threw a bomb pass to Cap’n D, who dove and caught it with his fingertips. But the next play, Man Eater threw a pass meant for Yankee Joe, But Lil Cuz jumped in front and snagged his second interception of the game. Goose took over as Quarterback for Team 1, and they went for it on fourth down, and White Meat dropped a pass. Cap’n D took over as Team 2’s Quarterback, and Yankee Joe caught a pass in the End Zone. 21-21. This time, Yankee Joe answered the question right. Team 1 still had Goose for a Quarterback, and when they got to the five-yard line, Cap’n D rushed Goose, and Goose ran into the End Zone. 28-21. Yankee Joe tramped the trivia, and Team 2 got the ball again. Cap’n D stayed as Team 2’s QB for the rest of the game, and his plays worked every time. After an amazing throw and catch from Cap’n D to Pope, we were at the seven-yard line. A pass to YHC was complete and YHC ran into the end zone and tied the game once again, and Yankee rocked the trivia, answering the question immediately after YHC asked it. 28-28. Team 1 threw three passes that were all batted down, and they punted. Cap’n D threw a huge pass to the other side of the field to Yankee Joe, and Yankee caught it and bowled over the line to give Team 2 the lead 35-28 with two minutes left to play. Team 1 dashed down the field and scored on a pass to Goose. The score was tied again. The trivia was crushed by Joe. 35-35. With 14 seconds left to play, Team 2 lined up fast and an incomplete was thrown. For the last play of the game, Cap’n D threw a Hail Mary to Pope, and Pope caught it and turned around to go for the game-winning touchdown…but then stepped out of bounds. The game ended with a score of 35-35, a tie. The Circle of trust was done, and the ‘Yote Bowl ended. Thank you guys for your prayers, and for a great football game…and beware of ‘Yote Bowl part two: overtime.

  • It’s The Climb – from Paradox

    YHC recently finished “Into Thin Air” by John Krakauer, a first hand account of a tragic Everest expedition in 1996. It turned disastrous after a freak storm hit the summit during the only window multiple competing teams had to make it to the top. A great read if you want a deep dive into the world of high summit climbing and especially if you really, really never want to even consider strapping on a pair of crampons.

    But it got my wheels turning about bucket list items and the wild ambitions a man can find on this planet. (There’s a beatdown coming here later but just sit tight with your hookahs for a moment.)

    Ya see, There have been short periods of time when YHC had his own aspirations as a mountain climber. First in my early 20s and then I left a rock climbing gym with a hernia. The staff said “first time climbers” shouldnt recreate Tom Cruise mission impossible stunts but what do they know.
    Undeterred, a few years later I headed up a mountain in Breckinridge, CO (brek brah) during a med school trip and was met with acute altitude sickness. It will shock none of our local pax to hear that my body shuts down if I leave the state lines or an altitude of 100 feet. Those trips to the oxygen bar did have a silver lining as I found out my future M would leave her friends and nurse a redneck bafoon to health.
    Now in a real pickle, I had met both physical and even genetic barriers to my climbing goals . But nonetheless my 7th grade bucket list item remained.! Mrs Smith, our English/creative writing teacher (who planted the seeds of back blasting 101), had instructed us that no item was too far fetched to put on our list. So right there sandwiched between “Ironman triathlon “ and “learn English” was “climb or visit the 7 summits”. But here I was, like a 5:02am YJ bowel movement , stuck between a rock and a hard place as time ran out. The opportunities flushing fast and the midlife crisis impending as YHC saw his 7th grade dreams replaced by watching men in verbal altercations about the glory of a hand jive. Was my musical life just a sing-along this whole time??

    Panic stricken, I made a plan…

    I wouldn’t climb them free and solo. (Been there , done that, have the scars)

    WE would climb them.

    And we would climb them ALL in a 45 min free men’s workout.

    Duke!! Put down that FMLA paperwork!
    We are back to blasting !!
    Roll the beautiful mountain bean footage!!

    YHC rolled in a 1/2 minute late to a Lions Den boiling over with pax. Safety Valve continues to make up for a lifetime of missed SSH and provided a prompt courtesy warmup for the men. Fighting shadow GroupMe Q stealers and cumbersome garage coupons this beatdown theme was already heating up as a true uphill battle for YHC. We hit the usuals with continued slow high knee pax not maximizing their zone 2 cardio and our Lake Charles brothers wondering if the cadence here in Thibodaux is done in synchronized ear buds.

    YHC gave the pax a little warmup mosey while slipping in hints to the big Thang.
    7 nation Army was a nod to the 7 summits and the only riff I could try to learn on a guitar to looked cool in 2005.

    Next up YHC needed to sell the allure of the mountains. We had “ Big rock candy mountain “ by Harry McClintock and he’s a fine salesman, ensuring us there would be no rain, wind or bull dogs with real teeth.
    A perfectly weird tune that we performed MCs, plank jacks and coupon merkins to.

    These young sherpax also required belay certification. YHC obliged by splitting them into two teams and utilizing a standard issue Mardi Gras football for each team that needed to be transported around the civic center. They needed to spread out in a chain and throw the ball one man at a time. With a drop equaling 3 burpees. And continuous squats for any stationary pax. Most of the pax atleast feined understanding and this mini thang proceeded to reach 7.2 on the Maui Scale. Drone reports later cited early high altitude cerebral edema that lead to the opposing team thinking the 3 burpees happen everytime they threw their kloot. YHC sent the chopper 6 rescue for rendezvous back at base camp and the whole thing had to filed under “belayed gratification”.

    All that was left was Altitude Training so we headed to Lafourche Parishs highest point to complete 10 burpees then it was go time:

    Mount Thang a Lang

    How it should work: Team sends 1 man up the mountain to do reps up top while all alternate between 3 exercises (7-7-7) , rinse and repeat till entire team has competed.
    Winner has all team mates back and in plank

    7 rounds for the 7 highest summits on each continent(some modified for time)

    Authors Note
    ***
    There are almost as many geography schisms as Thibodaux sandwich schisms and it seems fiercely debated which of the seven summits are the “true seven”. This bd will reference the area of Oceani (Australia plus New Zealand plus Indonesia) and the concensuus across trivia books seems to be the below:

    1- OCEANIA

    Puncak Jaya (16k ft)
    what country?
    (Indonesia)
    Merkins – plank jacks -squats

    We started at a modest 16000 feet and this one may have been the toughest trivia across the board. YHCs Jawa is a little rough around the edges, compounded by wind and N. Canal traffic most of the pax thought I had sneezed and were still waiting on a question when we started burpees.

    Team 1 took a decisive victory with a shocking decision to put Maneater as the sprint finisher and Jennayyy I tell ya..this man just felt like running. It took a year or two but we finally found Maneaters trigger….NEVER Disrespect Olivia Newton John or he will run you into the ground. White Meat could not be reached for comment and we left his body and a copy of Big Lebowski for the natives on Puncak Jaya.

    2- ANTARCTICA
    Mount Vinson Massif (16)

    Penguins – Leg Raise – WW3 sit-ups

    Goosie got this one correct after heavy penguin hints.
    Team 1 had found there best horse and Maneater was again putting pure greased lightning.

    3- EUROPE
    Mount Elbrus (18k ft)
    ***Skipped for time but I think we did burpees for the trivia.

    4- AFRICA
    Mt Kilimanjaro (20k ft)
    (Easiest to climb)
    Coupon jumps, Donkey kicks, tin soldiers

    YHC meant to serenade the pax with Toto’s masterpiece here bit if you start to play it in your head now it will reach peak chorus when you finish this blast.

    5- NORTH MERKINA
    Denali (22k ft)
    Merkins- wide, regular, diamond

    All Merkins because nothing says USA like naming your most majestic gas guzzling SUV after your politically controversial named and renamed mountain.

    6- SOUTH AMERICA
    Acongua (27k ft)
    27 Monkey Humpers
    -Just seemed right

    Finisher….

    7- ASIA
    Everest (29)
    “I’m on top of the World”

    On top of having some great bd songs this band also gives you the chance to always end a tough conversation with the upper hand by saying “imagine those dragons” and then walking away. (Reader discretion advised, not for domestic use)

    We did Coupon Al Gore and Thrusters on “World”

    We finished with continuous thrusters and all legs met jello criteria.

    Back to the flag for supplemental oxygen, counting, naming and also we learned XL is actually Excel so we didn’t have anymore questions about mysterious t-shirt sizes and some mumbled comments about google sheets being superior.

    Announcements were mostly replaced by ways to let YJ know his Manniversary was a hoax or turn it into a “9th green at 9 “”situation. Backblast pending?

    Prayers and intentions for many in our regions and beyond.

    Thanks for climbing with me Pax

    I hope that in this Lenten season of lessened distractions God makes our own mountains more clear and that we have the faith to climb with what he has provided.

    Can you imagine those dragons?

    SYITG
    Dox

  • More Like South Nazareth – from Goose

    YHC and Pope pulled up to the Stage this morning to find a strange SUV parked and running in typical FNG fashion. AB had hinted at this possibility, so YHC exited the truck gingerly so as not to scare him away. Then, we noticed that there were two in the SUV, one of whom was bald, bearded, and bespectacled, and bore a striking resemblance to a pic that had been posted on the Learned League GroupMe the week earlier and had become the center of attention over the last couple of days. It was, indeed, Kendall Theriot, the only non-Mitchell to give AB a run for the local title for sharpest Llama. But, alas, KT had lost in dramatic fashion to his own son this very morning, and the fall was great. That fall included a loss in a wager with an agreement to join AB at F3 should he lose the tournament to him. It was good to finally put a body to the head, a voice to the digital trash talk. YHC couldn’t wait to hear the kind of chatter that would flow this morning (especially after Tana, a long-time friend of his, also pulled in). KT will henceforth be referred to by Teravanilli, his newly minted name.

    We started with the usual warmups after the disclaimer was given, and YHC was reminded of his first beatdown (my legs were completely shot after the warmup). Then, YHC explained that, since tomorrow is St. Joseph’s Day, we’d celebrate a little early with a St. Joseph themed beatdown today.

    The first thang was a partner Dora to steep a bit in the life of a carpenter in Nazareth (which was more like a builder, most likely). While one partner worked on 200 one-armed rows (sawing), 100 brick layers, and 50 thrusters, the other partner, the beast of burden, block-and-beared across to the opposite sidewalk before rifle carrying back. YHC chose music that Joseph may have listened to if he had a bluetooth speaker, traditional Nazareth pop music (well, more like South Nazareth).

    After about 3 minutes, our good, hard work was interrupted by a dream (“Sweet Dreams” by Eurythmics) wherein the Angel Gabriel told us that our fiance’ was pregnant via the Holy Spirit. Then, we discovered that we had to travel all the way to Bethlehem, our ancestral land, because of a census. So, we dropped everything right where it was and started hoofing it. We headed up the newly opened Stretch and made our way around to Rich Man’s Loop, where the townhouses began. It took us a while to get there since Mary’s pregnant and needing to go a little slower (this role was played impeccably by Teravanilli). So, the inns (townhouses) were all full. We knew this because we bear crawled to the front of each and jumped up and down asking for help (25 jump squats, for the 25th of December).

    The “inns” were rather close together, and the version of “Little Town of Bethlehem” that YHC chose was rather long, so the jump squats started quickly looking less and less like a desperate cry for help and more and more like a geriatric twerking class. Soon enough, however, we were given respite in a stable out behind one of the “inns”, and after the child was born, we started to get settled in our new location. But, once again, we were unexpectedly interrupted by Gabriel/Annie Lennox, and it was time to hoof it to Egypt, no time to lose.

    Egypt was over where the monuments to the kings of Thibodaux stand, and after a pickup-six, we completed a quick song routine to the expected Bangles hit “Walk Like an Egyptian”. Imperial Walkers for the duration and Bonnie Blairs for every “Egyptian”. So, pretty much 4 minutes of Imperial Walkers (there are only like 4 “Egyptians”–who knew?).

    Gabrielrhytmics came back one more time to let us know that the coast was clear, and we needed to head back home to Nazareth. This is where we’d live out the last of our days as a Simple Man (Lynard Skynard style), continuing our work as a carpenter (the rest of the Dora) until our time expired.

    It may seem like Joseph was jerked around, that Gabriel/God took his simple, predictable life from him and forced him to move from place to place, trying to keep his little family alive. But, what makes St. Joseph so great, and so blessed, is that he was willing to say “yes” and do what was asked of him, trusting that God would provide, and most importantly, that it was worth it. So, he gave up everything, but what he gained was the Creator of the Universe, God Himself, in his arms, in his home, every day for the rest of his life. Not a bad trade-off. He just had to let go of control, to let go of what He could picture, and trust that God truly knows what He’s doing.

    The PAX was impressed by Teravanilli’s willingness to show up and keep pushing despite a tough experience. We’ve all been there (and were there again just this past Saturday), so it means a lot when one more man makes the leap to go through it with us. The FNG naming took a while–there was so much good material–but YHC was taken by YJ’s suggestion at the very beginning of the beatdown to call him Teravanilli, an answer to one of the questions in the infamous trivia league loss. (If a millivanilli is 1/1000th of a vanilli, what is 1 trillion vanillis?). So, he’ll have a good time trying to explain that every time he introduces himself. We fully expect to see him Thursday morning.

    Announcements, COT, and Cuz prayed us out. Thanks for playing along this morning, fellas–I’ll forward any Ring videos from neighbors as I receive them.

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Let’s Get Physical…and Possibly Excommunicated: White Meat, Maneater, and the Chatter That Broke Me – from Yankee Joe

    Alternate Blast Titles:

    1) Catholicism, Burpees, and Heresy—Oh My!
    2) Lent, Lamentations, and the Theology of Bad Ideas
    3) Deconstructed Burpees and Doctrinal Confusion
    4) Apolo Ohno, Olivia Newton-John, and the Road to Redemption

    ———-
    YHC grew up Episcopalian, and most of what I knew about Catholicism came from Robin Williams’ stand-up line: “I’m Episcopalian – that’s Catholic-lite. Same religion, half the guilt!” For YHC, Lent usually translated loosely to giving up Cokes or committing to finally get a six pack.

    Honestly, I had no idea what Lent was about.

    Honestly, neither does the Episcopal “church.”

    Thus, my integration into the Lenten season has been both brutal and emancipating. But, you’re probably asking yourself, “What does this have to do with Apolo Ohno’s, Olivia Newton John, and White Meat’s comfort level with F3 intimacy?”

    Nothing, but I bet you’re paying attention now.

    ———-

    Anyway, I hastily designed a Lenten beatdown theme, awkwardly linking F3 mantra to Christ’s three temptations in the wilderness. Oh…and dear Reader, when I say awkwardly, I mean like forcing a kangaroo into roller skates or stuffing a marshmallow into a piggy bank slot or cramming one leg into Wet Tap’s Mudgear shorts.

    Some – things – just – don’t – fit.

    Perhaps comparing America’s Best’s take on deconstructed burpees to Jesus’ resistance to Satan and his ultimate victory over death was a bit…I dunno…misguided. Indeed, as the beatdown progressed, YHC realized he was recklessly walking a thin line between ‘theological misstep’ and…well…HERESY.

    Oy gevalt! Mel Brooks would have a field day with me. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition, amirite?

    ———-

    Thang 1:

    Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”

    Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.”

    The Heresy:

    Then America’s Best was led by Goose into the Sweet Grass to be tempted by Paradox. After researching EV’s for forty days, he was a Socialist. Paradox said to him, “If you are indeed a rugby playing optometrist from Virginia (It’s for luvahs), then turn these stones into merkins.

    AB answered, “The PAX does not sweat on merkins alone, but all aspects of exercises that come from the Burpee. (So, for AB…his favorite and superfluous deconstructed Burpee.)

    Bear and Block to marker 40 yards away

    – 20 coupon LBC’s
    – 20 merkins
    – 20 curls
    – 20 squat jumps

    Return Rifle carry

    – 20 coupon LBC’s
    – 20 merkins
    – 20 curls
    – 20 squat jumps

    ———-
    Thang 2:

    Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

    “He will command his angels concerning you, and they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.”

    Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.”

    The Heresy:

    Then Paradox said, “If you are truly part of the Thibodaux PAX, throw yourself down to the ground. For it is written: “The Q will be gracious and not let you endure a beatdown with planking.”

    AB answered, “Do not put your Q to the test.”

    Broad jump burpees to marker 40 yards

    – 20 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
    – 20 mary poppins
    – 20 J-Lo’s 2:1
    – 20 chilcutt jacks

    Sprint Return

    – 20 chilcutt peter parkers 1:1
    – 20 mary poppins
    – 20 J-Lo’s 2:1
    – 20 chilcutt jacks

    ———-

    Thang 3:

    Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”

    Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.”

    The Heresy:

    Paradox showed AB all the AO’s in the world and you can start your own F3 cartel, call it a nonprofit, and then forget about executing the correct form on any exercise.

    AB said to him, “Away from me Paradox! For it is written that a proper Apolo Ohno requires one hand touch to the ground and the other behind your back.

    Coupon lunges to marker, 40 yards

    – 40 toe taps to coupon 2:1
    – 40 apolos 2:1
    – 40 bonnies 1:1
    – 40 climber merkins (one mountain climber, then merkin)

    Sprint Return

    Regardless, the Thangs were challenging and the chatter was unbelievable. Now, please don’t misunderstand…the chatter was actually, mystifyingly unbelievable. I couldn’t actually believe the sheer volume of garbage spewing forth from these clowns.

    It was nonstop. It was off the rails. It was maddening. It was…then it happened.

    Working through Apolo’s, came the next generation of chatter. Not since the Enron/Paradox chatter pair burst into the gloom have we heard such meaningless banter. Even the Popeye/AB fragrance, Eau de ‘self righteousness’ wilts in comparison. From the midst of the Den, White Meat and Maneater engaged in what has to be improv at its finest.

    It went something like this…

    Maneater (to White Meat): “You look like Olivia Newton John.”

    White Meat: “Who?”

    ME: “You don’t know Olivia Newton John? Hopelessly Devoted? Let’s Get Physical?!? Grease?!?”

    WM: “Nope. I don’t watch musicals. You like them?”

    ME: “I was born to hand jive.”

    WM: “Come again?”

    Paradox (singing): “Let’s get physical.”

    WM: “No thank you.” (staring at Dox in disgust)

    We finished up with a last ditch effort to quell the chatter. By this time, YHC had lost his patience, dropping random passive aggressive shots at nobody in particular. Muttered comments like, ‘running their mouths too much to be exercising’ and that ‘the Pax in general had too much energy’ and that ‘I would show them a thing or two about a…whatever’. This ain’t even my whole night, bruh.

    So, to the musical and redundant stylings of Bill Withers’ “Lovely Day,” the PAX did various leg work during verses and then star jumps for every “Lovely Day.” In case you were wondering, there are 96.

    Real Talk:
    The song choice was not a product of repetitive triggers perfect for F3. Well, it was, but not completely. Since joining F3 as well as converting to Catholicism (and yes…I do mean ‘conversion’…there ain’t no catholic-lite about it), my concept of Lent has moved from, “Do I have to do this?” to “I get to do this.”

    That doesn’t mean it’s not hard or that I don’t take it out on fellow PAX when they aren’t following my very simple instructions. In truth, it is hard and I do take it out on White Meat…and sometimes Paradox.

    Good to be back, Fellas.

    SYITG,

    Jeaux

  • Takin’ it to Das Streets – from America’s Best

    Sometime back in February, “the algorithm” presented to YHC a video of Klootschiten, a wintertime Dutch road-bowling game that includes pulling along a liquor wagon. It’s a team sport, with rules similar to golf, and the course is a series of roads. So, in the spirit of “everything is a beatdown,” it seemed like a good way to get some running in for a Tuesday during RCR… but the full Q sheet pushed it into March. Instead of a wagon, one team member would haul a coupon. And before each throw, the team would do the number of burpees corresponding to which number throw they are on. The man with the coupon would do 2x curls instead.

    On Kloot-day, however, YHC’s back was tweaked, so I opted to alternate Goosies on the even numbers. And when you get to throw number 20… no, 10, you start over at one again. You know what, let’s make it 20.

    But first, Goose requested trivia. And we had a downranger MerMan to impress…
    So, what are the 3 main countries who participate in this sport?
    YHC pronounced “Klootschiten” with the hardest, most severe German accent I could force. Of course, Goose’s first guess was “Ireland.” Which was correct.
    Yankee Jeaux obviously knew the answer, but apparently all he heard was a challenge, and could only chatter back a seemingly unending string of Germanic jibberish.
    Still, after 5 penalty burpees, YHC counted that as a correct answer.
    Montana rounded out the correct answers with The Netherlands. The man was burned by those Aldi cookies, and now knows that things inspired by Germany may actually be Dutch.

    Teams were formed and off we went. Team Goose-Dox-Merman cleverly threw their kloot under the dumpster early, so they could not hear (ignore) an important rules change that would undoubtedly change the course of Kloot history forever.
    Sometimes you get a feeling that Goose is going to beat you, but what can you do? I’ll tell you what you can do—you don’t just roll over and let it happen. No, what you do is you make the rules ambiguous enough, or you change them enough times that Goose accidentally cheats.
    And so the righteous teams did probably like 3 times more burpees and Goosies and curls, but Team Green was gracious enough to come back and pick up the losers.
    While two teams were still hammering away on the course, the other team was hanging out at the flag. YHC had a contingency plan. A reverse Dora was written on a cardboard box. 400 Imperial Walkers (MOT Fox Holes), 200 curls (MOT lunge walk), 100 WJs (MOT mosey). Team Yankee Popeye Pope was instructed to begin.
    But there was too much confusion about whether a backwards Dora could actually exist, or if there was some new reading style in which you read the bottom-to-top. The schism resulted in Popeye Imperial Walking Alone. (For the record, there is no language on Earth read bottom to top).

    YHC’s team limped into last place with time enough for a quick YJ favorite. With Lent nigh, it was time to “Give it Up.” YHC had spent an inadvisable amount of time selecting the right remix… but ultimately found one in which there are somewhere between 40 and 50 triggers, 75% of which occur in the last 30 seconds. So we held plank, merkined on each “give it up,” and mountain-climbed during any musical interludes. While most of the PAX were groaning, Yankee Joe was grinning, and at least once I swear I heard him mutter “my precious.” There has since been wild speculation of a YJ 45-minute “Give it Up Remix” BD.

    All that was left was a few minutes of Mary, primarily to answer the burning question “What does WJ stand for?!?!”

    COT
    Push up Pimp was transferred sub rosa from White Meat to Pope
    Goose prayed us out

    Always an honor to lead you men.
    SYITG,
    AB

  • Takin’ it to Das Streets – from America’s Best

    Sometime back in February, “the algorithm” presented to YHC a video of Klootschiten, a wintertime Dutch road-bowling game that includes pulling along a liquor wagon. It’s a team sport, with rules similar to golf, and the course is a series of roads. So, in the spirit of “everything is a beatdown,” it seemed like a good way to get some running in for a Tuesday during RCR… but the full Q sheet pushed it into March. Instead of a wagon, one team member would haul a coupon. And before each throw, the team would do the number of burpees corresponding to which number throw they are on. The man with the coupon would do 2x curls instead.

    On Kloot-day, however, YHC’s back was tweaked, so I opted to alternate Goosies on the even numbers. And when you get to throw number 20… no, 10, you start over at one again. You know what, let’s make it 20.

    But first, Goose requested trivia. And we had a downranger MerMan to impress…
    So, what are the 3 main countries who participate in this sport?
    YHC pronounced “Klootschiten” with the hardest, most severe German accent I could force. Of course, Goose’s first guess was “Ireland.” Which was correct.
    Yankee Jeaux obviously knew the answer, but apparently all he heard was a challenge, and could only chatter back a seemingly unending string of Germanic jibberish.
    Still, after 5 penalty burpees, YHC counted that as a correct answer.
    Montana rounded out the correct answers with The Netherlands. The man was burned by those Aldi cookies, and now knows that things inspired by Germany may actually be Dutch.

    Teams were formed and off we went. Team Goose-Dox-Merman cleverly threw their kloot under the dumpster early, so they could not hear (ignore) an important rules change that would undoubtedly change the course of Kloot history forever.
    Sometimes you get a feeling that Goose is going to beat you, but what can you do? I’ll tell you what you can do—you don’t just roll over and let it happen. No, what you do is you make the rules ambiguous enough, or you change them enough times that Goose accidentally cheats.
    And so the righteous teams did probably like 3 times more burpees and Goosies and curls, but Team Green was gracious enough to come back and pick up the losers.
    While two teams were still hammering away on the course, the other team was hanging out at the flag. YHC had a contingency plan. A reverse Dora was written on a cardboard box. 400 Imperial Walkers (MOT Fox Holes), 200 curls (MOT lunge walk), 100 WJs (MOT mosey). Team Yankee Popeye Pope was instructed to begin.
    But there was too much confusion about whether a backwards Dora could actually exist, or if there was some new reading style in which you read the bottom-to-top. The schism resulted in Popeye Imperial Walking Alone. (For the record, there is no language on Earth read bottom to top).

    YHC’s team limped into last place with time enough for a quick YJ favorite. With Lent nigh, it was time to “Give it Up.” YHC had spent an inadvisable amount of time selecting the right remix… but ultimately found one in which there are somewhere between 40 and 50 triggers, 75% of which occur in the last 30 seconds. So we held plank, merkined on each “give it up,” and mountain-climbed during any musical interludes. While most of the PAX were groaning, Yankee Joe was grinning, and at least once I swear I heard him mutter “my precious.” There has since been wild speculation of a YJ 45-minute “Give it Up Remix” BD.

    All that was left was a few minutes of Mary, primarily to answer the burning question “What does WJ stand for?!?!”

    COT
    Push up Pimp was transferred sub rosa from White Meat to Pope
    Goose prayed us out

    Always an honor to lead you men.
    SYITG,
    AB

  • Takin’ it to the Streets – from America’s Best

    Sometime back in February, “the algorithm” presented to YHC a video of Klootschiten, a wintertime Dutch road-bowling game that includes pulling along a liquor wagon. It’s a team sport, with rules similar to golf, and the course is a series of roads. So, in the spirit of “everything is a beatdown,” it seemed like a good way to get some running in for a Tuesday during RCR… unfortunately the full Q sheet pushed it into March. Instead of a wagon, one team member would haul a coupon. And before each throw, the team would do the number of burpees corresponding to which number throw they are on. The man with the coupon would do 2x curls instead.

    On Kloot-day, however, YHC’s back was tweaked, so I opted to alternate Goosies on the even numbers. And when you get to throw number 20… no, 10, you start over at one again. You know what, let’s make it 20.

    But first, Goose requested trivia. And we needed to show downranger MerMan what we are all about? So, what are the 3 main countries who participate in this sport?

    YHC pronounced “Klootschiten” with the hardest, most severe German accent I could force. Of course, Goose’s first guess was “Ireland.” Which was correct.
    Yankee Jeaux obviously knew the answer, but apparently all he heard was a challenge, and could only chatter back a seemingly unending string of Germanic jibberish.
    Still, after 5 penalty burpees, YHC counted that as a correct answer.
    Montana rounded out the correct answers with The Netherlands. The man was burned by those Aldi cookies, and now knows that things inspired by Germany may actually be Dutch.

    Teams were formed and off we went. Team Goose-Dox-Merman cleverly threw their kloot under the dumpster early, so they could not hear (ignore) an important rules change that would undoubtedly change the course of Kloot history forever.
    Sometimes you get a feeling that Goose is going to beat you, but what can you do? I’ll tell you what you can do—you don’t just roll over and let it happen. No, what you do is you make the rules ambiguous enough, or you change them enough times that Goose accidentally cheats.
    And so the righteous teams did probably like 3 times more burpees and Goosies and curls, but Team Green was gracious enough to come back and pick up the losers.
    While two teams were still hammering away on the course, the other team was hanging out at the flag. YHC had a contingency plan. A reverse Dora was written on a cardboard box. 400 Imperial Walkers (MOT Fox Holes), 200 curls(MOT lunge walk), 100 WJ(Wheezy Jeffersons) (MOT mosey). Team Yankee Popeye Pope was instructed to begin.
    But there was too much confusion about whether a backwards Dora could actually exist, or if there was some new reading style in which you read the bottom-to-top. The schism left Popeye Imperial Walking alone. (For the record, there is no language on Earth read bottom to top).
    YHC’s team limped into last place with time enough for a quick YJ favorite. With Lent nigh, it was time to “Give it Up.” YHC had spent an inadvisable amount of time selecting the right remix… but found one in which there are somewhere between 40 and 50 triggers, 75% of which occur in the last 30 seconds. So held plank and merkined on each “Give it Up,” mountain climbing during any instrumental breaks. While most of the PAX were groaning, Yankee Joe was grinning, and at least once I swear I hear him mutter “my precious.” There since has been wild speculation of a YJ 45-minute “Give it Up Remix” BD.
    All that was left was a few minutes of Mary, primarily to answer the burning question “what does WJ stand for?!?!”

    COT
    WM conveyed Push up Pimp sub rosa to Pope
    Goose prayed us out

    Thanks men, always an honor to lead.
    SYITG,
    AB

  • Takin’ it to the Streets – from America’s Best

    Sometime back in February, “the algorithm” presented to YHC a video of Klootschiten, a wintertime Dutch road-bowling game that includes pulling along a liquor wagon. It’s a team sport, with rules similar to golf, and the course is a series of roads. So, in the spirit of “everything is a beatdown,” it seemed like a good way to get some running in for a Tuesday during RCR… unfortunately the full Q sheet pushed it into March. Instead of a wagon, one team member would haul a coupon. And before each throw, the team would do the number of burpees corresponding to which number throw they are on. The man with the coupon would do 2x curls instead.

    On Kloot-day, however, YHC’s back was tweaked, so I opted to alternate Goosies on the even numbers. And when you get to throw number 20… no, 10, you start over at one again. You know what, let’s make it 20.

    But first, Goose requested trivia. And we needed to show downranger MerMan what we are all about? So, what are the 3 main countries who participate in this sport?

    YHC pronounced “Klootschiten” with the hardest, most severe German accent I could force. Of course, Goose’s first guess was “Ireland.” Which was correct.
    Yankee Jeaux obviously knew the answer, but apparently all he heard was a challenge, and could only chatter back a seemingly unending string of Germanic jibberish.
    Still, after 5 penalty burpees, YHC counted that as a correct answer.
    Montana rounded out the correct answers with The Netherlands. The man was burned by those Aldi cookies, and now knows that things inspired by Germany may actually be Dutch.

    Teams were formed and off we went. Team Goose-Dox-Merman cleverly threw their kloot under the dumpster early, so they could not hear (ignore) an important rules change that would undoubtedly change the course of Kloot history forever.
    Sometimes you get a feeling that Goose is going to beat you, but what can you do? I’ll tell you what you can do—you don’t just roll over and let it happen. No, what you do is you make the rules ambiguous enough, or you change them enough times that Goose accidentally cheats.
    And so the righteous teams did probably like 3 times more burpees and Goosies and curls, but Team Green was gracious enough to come back and pick up the losers.
    While two teams were still hammering away on the course, the other team was hanging out at the flag. YHC had a contingency plan. A reverse Dora was written on a cardboard box. 400 Imperial Walkers (MOT Fox Holes), 200 curls(MOT lunge walk), 100 WJ(Wheezy Jeffersons) (MOT mosey). Team Yankee Popeye Pope was instructed to begin.
    But there was too much confusion about whether a backwards Dora could actually exist, or if there was some new reading style in which you read the bottom-to-top. The schism left Popeye Imperial Walking alone. (For the record, there is no language on Earth read bottom to top).
    YHC’s team limped into last place with time enough for a quick YJ favorite. With Lent nigh, it was time to “Give it Up.” YHC had spent an inadvisable amount of time selecting the right remix… but found one in which there are somewhere between 40 and 50 triggers, 75% of which occur in the last 30 seconds. So held plank and merkined on each “Give it Up,” mountain climbing during any instrumental breaks. While most of the PAX were groaning, Yankee Joe was grinning, and at least once I swear I hear him mutter “my precious.” There since has been wild speculation of a YJ 45-minute “Give it Up Remix” BD.
    All that was left was a few minutes of Mary, primarily to answer the burning question “what does WJ stand for?!?!”

    COT
    WM conveyed Push up Pimp sub rosa to Pope
    Goose prayed us out

    Thanks men, always an honor to lead.
    SYITG,
    AB

  • Opposites, a Track – from Honeysuckle

    With recent parts of February including such major holidays as Valentine’s Day and Presidents’ Day, and with It’s Only a Mile (aka White Meat’s VQ) being in the rear view mirror, it is only natural to forget that February is still Run Cajun Run and many of our PAX should be logging miles so that our team totals can exceed Ochoa’s or Hawg’s solo distances. Seven PAX would join YHC on the quest for a few more miles.

    Warmarama: SSH, Windmills, WMH, Imperial Walkers, High Knees, Butt Kicks, Tie Fighters F/R, Cherry Pickers, Lafayette Nightclubs

    Thang 1: Indigenous Run to the Loop of Sweet Grass. Drop off, do a burpee.

    Thang 2: Start with 1 perfect merkin. Run forward 2 lightpoles, Nur back 1 lightpole, Do 2 perfect merkins. The run and nur would remain at 2 and 1, respectively, but the perfect merkin count incremented by 1 each time. This essentially turned a ~1/2 mile loop into a 1.5 mile loop. Regrets were expressed at flatulence that would normally be left behind, yet had to be encountered when directions reversed. Tana’s nur speed was impressive. Several one-way hellos were said. Typical sweet grass stuff.

    Thang 3: Run back to the flag. Partner up. 100 LBCs, 100 Freddy Mercuries, 100 Leg raises. The partner not doing the exercise ran a lap. AB must have filled up with high octane that morning as he was passing folks up on the sidewalks.

    Thang 4: 30 seconds left, so run to the far side of the field and back.

    Pushup pimp awarded to White Meat by YHC for grinding out those perfect merkins. YJ prayed us out.

    As always, it is a privilege to spend these 45 minutes in the morning with these HIMs.