F3 New Orleans

Tag: Lion’s Den

  • Tennis Balls, Basketballs, and Duck Poop – from Goose

    YHC rolled in two minutes late to a patiently waiting threesome of Enron, Yankee Joe, and a Picadilly surprise (good to have you back in it, bro!). YJ had brought the requested basketball, and YHC had fished a few raggedy tennis balls from out of the ball bin in the garage for a TurboTax inspired thang at the Den.

    After warmups of the usuals, minus cherry-pickers cuz we weren’t gonna be using the shoulders (big surprise), YHC explained who TurboTax is (the previous leader of the Northshore PAX and crusher of cardio and legs) and shared that as an F3 noob a few years back, the team tennis ball relay was in just about 100% of all Turbo beatdowns. It stuck in the memory because it never failed to both stoke the competitive fire in a special way and suck the wind out YHC’s lungs in a special way. Basically, teams traverse a distance by throwing a tennis ball to one another ultimate frisbee style: the one with the ball can’t move but must throw it to a teammate further up the trail. Today, we partnered up, YHC with Dilly and Enron with YJ–the starting line was the lion, and the finish line was the lion after traversing up to the lake, around the whole track, and back.
    It didn’t take long for our hands to get used to catching the ball, and though there weren’t many drops, the ones that happened were the key to failure/success. When a ball was dropped, both partners had to complete 5 stationary lunges (2:1, knee all the way to the ground, in the duck poop) before continuing. YHC and Dilly employed the many short throws strategy, while Enron and YJ opted for the fewer long throws strategy. Though YHC and Dilly seemed to drop one or two more times, it was the last drop that mattered most. Enron and YJ stayed just ahead through the whole race, and YHC expected to have to utilize a long Hail Mary pass at the very end to squeak out a victory, but at the very end, Enron and YJ choked on the the emotional excitement of their impending win and dropped the ball allowing YHC and Dilly to pass them like a Ricky Bobby slingshot and grasp victory by the…tail. (You know, like a lion’s tail.) The losers’ penalty was 15 celebratory star jumps congratulating the tenacity and steadfastness of the winning team.

    Thang 2 was a partner Dora of 100 Big Boys, 200 Flutters (2:1), and 300 LBC’s. Partner 2 ran to the lake, nurred up the levee, and ran back to flapjack. Gotta keep bustin’ dem abs for when we rip off our shirts at the Firemen’s 5K for the finish line photo!

    Ended a little early so we could have plenty of time for the last thang: 2-on-1 fast break drill on the basketball court. With four PAX we had enough for two men on offense to try to head down the court and score against one man on defense while the remaining man stood under the opposite goal counting down from 10. If the two-man team either turned the ball over or couldn’t score within ten seconds, they incurred a 10 squat-jump penalty. Then, one of the men on offense stayed back while the defender joined the other, and it was 2-on-one going toward the other side. We continued rotating with one man left behind to count down from 10 and (most of the time) complete his quickly cumulating jump-squats.
    YHC expected the puddles to be a factor, but they weren’t. The fact that we all suck at basketball, however, was a major factor. (We could probably also blame about 5% of it on the dark, too.). Either way, it was a fun, challenging way to keep the heart rate high and the reflexes working for about 15 minutes before heading back to the flag.

    Announcements with some gratitude for answered prayers, and the Animal shirt was finally bequeathed to Yankee Joe out of a combination of pity and partner bias (just kidding–it’s always great to watch–and hear–YJ put his all into a routine, especially for a partner). Dilly prayed us out well, and we’re both looking forward to and dreading Saturday with Cuz.

    SYTIG,
    Goose

  • There Goes My Hero – from Paradox

    On a gloomy spring morning on April, 20 2023 7 pax loaded into the back of big brother Yankees Time wagon (it’s kinda like the DeLorean but it runs on veggie juice and compliments) and headed to the Lions Den cinemaPlex circa 1985. YJ successfully posed as our dad to get our R rated tickets at the counter then Tana grabbed us some 64 ounce colas and we headed in after removing Enron from the stuffed animal claw game …”I was on a heater!”
    The cheap orange lights began to dim as Goose unpacked the Big league chew he smuggled in just for YHCs bday. We settled into creaky back row seats. You can smell it now can’t you? A fine mix of popcorn, cigarettes and regret. Cardinal assured us the place was lacking on Holy water. Nothing like a movie theater in the 80s. We covered Young Horns eyes through the atrocities of the first two trailers then came the last….

    A deep baritone voice describes the big screen …

    “This Summer….(screen flashes man loading grenades as ominous music plays) …
    In a world full of corruption (screen flashes man strapping on bazooka ) one man will Q a beatdown to single-handedly save the pax
    (Screen flashes tightening vest ) …
    His mission , relentless cardio (screen flashes JBL ) …
    His enemy …mumblechatter
    (Screen flashes boots lacing up )
    His help…there is none (screen flashes war paint ) …

    POOX Films brings you ….
    A Prestige Worldwide production …
    “Every 80s Action Hero”
    (Ominous music reaches crescendo )

    Duke! Put down those Mike and Ike’s and roll the footage!

    Warm Up

    The usuals with 35 reps of SSH to get the PAX in the right state of mind. Cardinal immediately regretted waking up after the 21st straddle hop.

    YHC gave the disclaimer that today we would honor two great gifts from the 80s. YHC andddd the great 80s action hero. Take a look at this list :

    Terminator
    Predator
    RoboCop
    Bloodsport
    Die Hard
    Lethal Weapon

    That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
    What a time to be born !
    Before CGI and remakes, no stunt doubles needed. Just a bazooka and a one liner and the lone hero saves the world. So we set out to honor the 80s action hero.
    But first some training.

    Bazooka Indian Run to the ball park. Last man does 3 bazooka squats with Ole hickory (30 lb bar) and runs the bazooka to the last man then sprint to the front. (I love the word bazooka , it just rolls off the tongue …bazooka)

    Arrived at the ball park where we learned lesson 2, shooting a million nameless henchmen.
    YHC dialed up that ole nurturing lullaby from Drowning Pool.

    “Let the Bodies Hit Floor “
    Bobby Hurley on Floor
    IW on song
    Air raises on 1..2…etc
    And there’s still nothing wrong with us !

    The Main Thang

    Jacked and Tan Circuit

    The 3rd and most important lesson of the 80s action hero is to always look good. So we needed a full body circuit.

    Setup: 7 stations , 1 central cone for the Hero who would serve as our timer while surrounded by goons with different weapons.

    Monkey Humper Trivia before each round

    Our first paradox hero was John Matrix , who YHC dressed as today
    He was the star of this 1985 action movie about a retired army colonel who must track down his kidnapped daughter ?

    COMMANDO

    What actor played John Matrix?
    ARNOLD

    I’ll stop here to note that watching 21 yo French Horn nail every single 80s trivia question when he wouldn’t be born for another 15 years is astounding. Like seeing Beethoven with his first piano. The kid has a gift. Keep shining Horn. T claps.

    Round 1 John Matrix Commando
    Center Cone – 35 big bar boy sit-ups

    1. KB swings
    2. Jump rope
    3. Coupon curls
    4. Brick flys
    5. Med ball Slams
    6. LBCs

    Round 2 John Rambo (1982)
    This 80s action movie launched an entire franchise
    About a Vietnam vet who wanders into a small town looking for a friend.
    Sly Stallone -Rambo-82
    15 monkey Humpers

    Central Cone – 20 squats

    Round 3 John McClane (1988)
    This 80s action movie is about a grizzled veteran cop who only wants to get home to his family but must batted 12 terrorists instead.
    Bruce Willis

    10 monkey humpers

    10 Peter Parker’s at central Cone

    The muscle fatigue was so intense that the distractions ranged from open air 5 year Thibodaux hard commits to YJ calculating how shredded he will be at 65. The pax (YHC included) continue to struggle with jump rope and it seems Enrons lack of rhythm is infectious.

    We ended with an all out “it’s gonna blow “ sprint to the flag where Goose let us know his shoulder may be injured but nothings wrong with the quads fellas. The old man is pure smoke in those new brooks!

    Some Mary where YJ melded animal noises with a cadence that created the time vortex to bring us back to present day Thibodaux.

    COT and the Goose prayed us out.

    NMM

    Has there ever been a more stupid phrase than “single handedly”? What has any human ever done completely by themselves? We are created by an all knowing , all powerful God , then birthed by our mothers and cannot provide a single bit of support for ourselves for roughly the first half decade of life. Yet here I am , time and time again, and with that special brand of pride. I can do it, I can pull it together, I can do this, just put it on my shoulders. And while that trope sells all the Hollywood tickets for action heroes, it’s only a path to destruction in the real world.
    For what did our real Savior look like. A bazooka? Nope just a legion of angels he left uncalled for. Surrounded by his enemies? Absolutely. So he went for nunchucks right? Nope, he took the relentless suffering then while nailed to a cross , forgave them instantly. And with his dying breath he must have nuked the place in a slow mo sprint ? Although it’s what I would have done it’s a nope again. Instead he poured out an ocean of Divine mercy and single handedly Saved the whole world.

    ….There goes my Hero

    SYITG
    Dox

  • Offerings of Smoked Quads and Abs – from Yankee Joe

    Warm-up

    Side straddle hops
    Windmills
    Arm circles forward
    Arm circles backward
    Cherry pickers
    Self love
    Blast-offs
    Mountain climbers
    Mosey lap

    The Thang – 4 rounds for time (more if time permits)

    50 lbcs
    40 jump squats
    30 big boy sit ups
    20 Bonnie Blairs 2:1
    10 v-ups
    Lap around civic center (approx. 1/4 mile)

    ————————–
    Exodus 14:5-7
    – 7 He took – six hundred – of the best chariots, along with all the other chariots of Egypt, with officers over all of them.

    2 Chronicles 29:31-33
    – 33 And the consecrated things were – six hundred – oxen and three thousand sheep.

    Judges 3:31
    – 31 And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines – six hundred – men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel.

    F3Thibodaux 4:13
    – And….in the land of Thibodaux, near the banks of Bayou Lafourche (Bayou Side), SEVEN lost PAX of F3 Thibodaux set out to complete four rounds of 150 reps, numbering 600 reps in total in a beatdown offering at the Lion’s Den. However, some of the PAX brought more offerings by doing five or more rounds. Paradox and Enron, during a founders’ meeting (Ya hateth to see such elitism), did runneth two miles before the beatdown.

    —————————-
    Paradox, who came from Homeria, who was the husband of a real doctor, and who sends forth gas into the face of his brethren, he did cruncheth 200 lbcs. In total, he did completith 750 reps of all offerings and a 1.25-mile run.

    And Goose, son of Emu, son of Ostrich, who was fruitful and exponentially multiplied across the earth, he did jumpeth 160 times in the air. In total, he did completith 880 reps of all offerings and a 1.25-mile run.

    And Montana, son of Cotter, who was lost in the wilderness of pro shops, but had foundeth his way home, he did sitteth up 120 times. In total, he did completith 750 reps of all offerings and a 1.25-mile run.

    And Smooth Operator, from the mighty tribe of fence builders, and who did rucketh miles with wrenches on his back, did completith 750 reps of all offerings and a 1.25-mile run.

    And Enron, son of Bernie, and who advised others on how to worshipith silver shekels, and was a chief violator of form, repented and did lungeth with a chaste woman named Bonnie Blair 80 times the hard way. In total, he did completith 880 reps of all offerings and a 1.25-mile run.

    And Cardinal, who had favor with the Lord, but continued to farteth in his sack, and expert on leavened breakfast sandwiches from petroleum markets, he did sitteth up in a V forty times. In total, he did completith 750 reps of all offerings and a 1.25-mile run.

    For all of these offerings, the tribe of F3 Thibodaux did bring to the Den. In five or more rounds, the reps numbered more than 600. Final offerings were made with 95 reps of Mary.

    COT and the sleeveless finery of both the ANIMAL and EURO TRASH varieties were bestowed upon Father Cardinal and Paradox respectively. Our long lost brother, Montana, prayed us out.

    And behold, Yankee Jeaux, provider of coffee from Abraham’s bosom, and oldest of the tribe, with thirty and one hundred years, this day victoriously beat down the dark (and annoying) shadows of mumblechatter and thus humbly (and with immense gratitude) served the PAX.

    SYITG,

    YJ

  • You Don’t Got This, Bro – from Goose

    As six PAX gathered at the Lion’s Den, and Smooth revealed his beastly self, which was straining against the turqoise spandex of the Euro-tank, YHC was putting the last second finishing touches on a Holy Thursday themed beatdown.

    We started with a warmup of the usuals after which Paradox, with much pomp and circumstance, formally shared his conclusion (after much research) that high knees and butt kicks usually go together. Thank you, Paradox, for your contribution to the scientific F3 community.

    We moseyed to the basketball courts where YHC meticulously set up cones 20 meters (not feet, not yards) apart while Paradox meticulously connected YHC’s phone to JBL. We would be completing a bleep test, wherein an app gives beeps at intervals a few seconds apart, and those intervals get shorter and shorter as time goes by. At each beep, those being tested have to run the 20 meters from one cone line to the next before the next beep is sounded. At the next beep, they run back. If you can’t reach the cones before the next beep, you’re out and have to plank up off to the side.
    The focus this morning was on not leaving your brother to suffer alone–that was the challenge given. F3 is all about shared suffering, so don’t let the guy next to you down by leaving him to suffer alone. This worked surprisingly well as all PAX blew through the previous performances at Schreiver Park. Once the first and then second guy dropped, though, it was like dominos. Cardinal and Lil’ Cuz showed some serious tenacity, though, by holding strong for multiple laps after that initial wave had crashed. Ultimately, though, everyone eventually called it quits, which gave YHC the chance to unpack some Holy Thursday content:

    When Jesus told is apostles that they’d all abandon him, they thought they wouldn’t, that they could hang, especially Peter who swore to stay with him to the end. None of them knew their limitations like God did. And, when he asked Peter, James, and John to stay awake and watch and pray with him, they couldn’t, even after multiple chances were given. They were weak, and they all ran away, and Peter even denied him, not once, but three times. God didn’t call them and entrust his mission to them because they were strong and brave, but because of what He could do through them. But, they had to experience their limitations first before they could learn to rely on His mercy and His strength.

    Next, we moseyed back to the front of the civic center and partnered up for a classic Dora 1, 2, 3. This would bring us into the chaotic experience of the apostles running every which way to try to survive–cuz that’s what happens when you try to measure how much you have to offer, or how much more you can take. You end up just trying to survive.
    While Partner 1 chipped away at 100 merkins, 200 squats, and 300 LBC’s, Partner 2 bunny hopped up the stairs during the first 100, nurred up and down during the 200 (pretty chaotic), and ran two steps at a time up and down for the last 300 before coming back and switching with their partner.

    So, now that we understood a little better the fruitlessness of trying to measure what we have to offer, we turned our attention to what Jesus wants to offer. We gathered at the lion for the song “Remembrance” by Matt Maher. Imperial Walkers for the duration (legs got pretty darn heavy) and burpees on remember/remembrance and worship.

    3 minutes of Mary, and COT with some solid prayer intentions. Smooth needed the help of two men to remove the Euro-tank, and he lobbed the sweaty mess at Lil’ Cuz. Looking forward to seeing it on you Saturday, Cuz!

    SYITG,
    Goose

  • Attitude Determines Altitude – from Paradox

    YHC touched down at a crisp cool Den today with a single mission: Prepare the PAX for one of modern man’s most grueling mental and physical battles.

    An ultramarathon you say ?
    No , that’s fun …I guess..enjoy your 120.0 bumpersticker bro

    Surely it’s The Iditarod then??psssshh Child’s play and the dogs get all the cardio anyway.

    But wait …Swimming the English Channel? …yea sure that’s cute. My grancy used to do water aerobics too.

    No men , this grueling cauldron of chaos is not for the faint of heart. Today it is YHCs privilege to prepare the pax for …(dramatic pause) ….
    ….taking your family to the airport …there were audible gasps from the Pax as we had to fan Goose back to life after he fainted thinking about 11 suitcases in the van of power but we would soon find out the syncope was actually related to wardrobe vascular constriction.

    So the peanuts were fresh , the runway was clear and if you are getting nauseated by airport puns then you better get the Dramamine baby cus this little Cessna is just getting warmed up!

    Duke! Get your boarding pass
    It’s time for the bean footage!! (TM)

    Warm Up
    Standard issue where we discussed the NYT article about pickleball injuries being the leading cause of F3 fartsacks. Hope our F3 brothers can get some help soon. The first step is knowing you have a problem.

    Thang 1

    As with most fruitful endeavors, the real work starts in the home. When your wife sends you to the attic to get the luggage while she crams shoes into vacuum bags.

    We rifle carried over to the steps where YHC delivered a brief monologue enjoyed by all except the king of monologue’s. We want name him but he looked as if YHC was his 4th job applicant of the day who said “my greatest weakness is having no weakness”.
    Pure disgust from the professor.
    It fuels me.

    Packing luggage
    P1 100 thrusters/squats
    P2 takes coupon over stairs and back in rifle carry
    FencePost is a coupon thruster machine.

    Thrusters really got those propellers spinning and we were halfway through a second ten count when Goose took off his hoodie and changed F3 Thibodaux forever. YHC did an actual double take as my first glance revealed Goose was covered in turquoise body paint. Closer examination revealed a women’s extra small tank top with a euro strip in the back for full trap flex. Silence descended as the backstory unfolded. Our fearless leader had wrestled this item away from his M and 2.0s to better serve the pax after the recent demise of Animal shirt 1.0.
    It’s this brand of tenacity that allows Goose to lead this pirate ship with wreck-less abandon. (How he went 17 minutes with a straight face boggles my mind. )

    YHC tried to recover the blackbox flight plan after this crash but I’d be lying if I wasn’t sneaking peaks at the absolute unit turquoise pectoral muscles across from me. Away from me temptress!

    Alight alright , focus …this is what we trained for.

    Sooooo now You have the 12 year old gmc Acadia busting to the gills with luggage and half eaten cinnamon rolls. You give the ole girl two pats on the hood, she coughs to life and you try to remember when you got new tires, 2017? we’ll be ok. It’s time to head to the danger zone.

    Thang 2 ..the Danger Zone
    Side Block Hops
    Increasing block merkins (irkins ) on Danger zone
    Full disclosure I had no idea there were that many “Dangers “ and this got out of hand fast so I had to pull the plug. Can’t win them all.

    Next you arrive at the parking garage and hustle the short term lot for long term pricing (pro tip from money market Ronnie!)

    TSA final boss

    Conveyor belt race
    2 teams
    Plank side to side pull coupon under backwards when it passes pax does 5 plank jacks. Team Delta took the title with a plank Jack strategy that YJ figured out too late and Im sure there will be a Council of Jeaux about this slight very soon.

    Now you get to your Gate and have 2 hours to kill because that TSA precheck ultra boost double clear (Ronnie did it again!) got you through TSA in a flash so it’s time to impress your family with aviation trivia.

    Head for the hill in front of civic center.
    Right answer lunge to and Back
    Wrong answer , coupon lunge

    1. This American aviator made the worlds first nonstop flight from NYC to Paris
    Charles Lindbergh

    2. 1905 the wright brothers were credited with flying the worlds first plane. first names of the Wright Brothers. (Orville and Wilbur )

    3. What town did this occur in? Kitty Hawk, NC

    4. What does the letters TSA stand for? Transportation Security Administration (great save by Yj)

    Goose was full of that mean girls tank top swagger and crushed 4/4 questions for the pax , even guessing correct questions before YHC got them out.
    Do not bring your medium difficulty trivia into the house of Dawson unless you want to get swatted into the rafters.

    We finished with the main event ..
    The Delta Mile
    4 different layovers with a “flight in between “ and a return to baggage claim. We left Lil cuz at LAX a few times but all found our bags unharmed.

    25 coupon press
    25 coupon OHP
    25 coupon curls
    25 coupon squats

    Great effort here to get our flights on time.

    The real “M” VP of any travel is your wife who always plans the best travel, games, snacks, medicines and we wrapped up with a few rounds of Mary to honor our better halves.

    Goose then bequeathed the Tank of Destiny to YJ and it’s future looks bright.

    Announcements :
    Northshore 12 hour beatdown on Saturday . Goose leaving at 4:15 from the Stage.
    Buy those pre order shirts !

    COT and Goose prayed us out

    NMM

    Does anyone else have that phrase from your childhood that at the time made you sick to your stomach but in the light of adulthood looks better and better. Mine is “your attitude determine your altitude “and if I had one coach say it I had a thousand.

    F3 and our Thibodaux brotherhood has helped this phrase come to life for me. Carrying luggage, shuffling bags, coupon thrusters , silly plank races . These all can be put in the “that’s stupid “ file very quickly. But when combined with shared suffering , and an attitude of “I wont let a physical barrier break my spirit “ well then , the sky is the limit.

    Thanks for flying Paradox Air
    Please return your coupons to the upright position

    SYITG ,
    PDox

  • Practice?! We Talkin’ About Practice?! – from Goose

    Yes. Yes, we are talkin’ about practice. This PAX has been leaning way to heavily on their natural athletic abilities and playground skills, but that’ll never get us to perform on the next level. This morning it was time to get back to fundamentals, back to teamwork, and back to puking. So, YHC dusted off his collared high school basketball coach shirt (yes, it was girls’ basketball, and yes I was just the assistant, but I am a treasure chest filled with knowledge and leadership) because it was time to give these thugs a proper basketball practice.

    Pre-warmups consisted of hugging the lion’s head for those deep calf stretches on the statue’s pedestal. Warmups consisted of the usual plus high knees and butt kicks to get the ankles and lungs moving. During the warmups, YHC kept looking over his shoulder to see if Tana was gonna pull in late. (Maybe he thinks “HC” stands for “Fart Sack”. Like in a different language.) We had five solid, which would work fine for what YHC had planned.

    We then moseyed over to the basketball court through a growing line of cars with people waiting in them (no idea), YHC carrying our high quality basketball (gray, perfect for the gloom, and nice and smooth after months of four-square in the street). I then shared some of my experience as a high school basketball player (“more of a defensive guy”) with a Cuban coach. I started the practice with one of his favorite inspirational speeches (in my best dramatic Cuban accent):
    “Every day in Africa, a lion wakes up. And, he knows he must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or he will starve.
    “Every day in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. And, he knows he must run faster than the fastest lion, or he will be eaten.
    “So, gentlemen, how do you know if you’re running fast enough??
    “SWEAT!!”

    Trying to get your head wrapped around that? Don’t. Just start running. And, that’s what we did. We started with single-file figure 8’s around the court. Starting in the corner, sprint to half court, slap the ground, side-shuffle across to the other sideline, slap the ground, sprint to the opposite baseline, slap the ground, side-shuffle across, and repeat back to start. This was tough, so we did it twice to get the system nice and woke.

    After a ten-count, we split into partners(ish) and did chest pass drills. Two men faced each other about 15ft. apart and side-shuffled from one basket to the other chest passing it back and forth and finishing with a bounce pass and layup at the other end. The next pair was waiting there to take over going the other direction. For every dropped pass or missed layup, the pair were penalized with 15 crunchy frogs. We did a lot of crunchy frogs. Passes were better than I expected, but the baskets seemed to have force fields around them. We were celebrating made layups like they were 3-pointers.

    After about 10 minutes, we switched to a rebound tip-drill. PAX lined up single file facing the right side of the backboard, and the first guy in line tossed the ball off the backboard for the next guy to jump, grab the ball, and put it back off the board before hitting the ground. Each guy in turn had to do the same and then run to the back of the line. If the ball hit the ground, all PAX were penalized with 10 jump squats. I have to say, I pictured this one being a bit of a train wreck, but the PAX who showed up this morning were all athletes, even if in a former life. From the get go, that ball stayed up and the line kept moving through multiple cycles before dropping. It was beautiful. But I couldn’t tell them that–I had to stay in character. And that character would always say, “Perfection–is that too much to ask?!” So, after about five minutes on each side of the backboard and only about 40 total jump squats, we lined up on the baseline for a well-deserved suicide.

    The next drill was supposed to be 3 on 2 on 1, but since we only had 5 guys, it was just 3 on 2, and it worked fine. This is a fast break drill to help with of getting more of your men down the court faster and taking advantage of numbers for a quick score. Two PAX played defense while three brought the ball downcourt to try to score. Offense won if they scored, and defense won if they got the ball. Winners did 20 LBC’s while losers did 10 Big Boys. Then, we just rotated so we all had turns in each position.
    Again, latent athleticism revealed itself here and there on the ground, but the basket seemed to be playing better defense than all of us. It was fun to play some ball after so many years, though, but after about 10 minutes, it was time to shift into fourth quarter, game-on-the-line training.

    YHC had the PAX run a quick half court and back, full court and back just to wind us a bit and put the pressure on. Each PAX, starting with Enron (since he sprinted for the win on that first half-court) was given a chance to make a free throw to win the game and send us home. If they missed, it was another half-court, full-court sprint. We had about five minutes remaining on the clock, so any made shot could have officially ended it for us and given us a nice, slow mosey back to the flag. But, we all missed. Every single one of us. I think a few of us hit the rim, which was encouraging, but we had to mosey back to the flag knowing that we had been defeated at the last second of the game. I think that’s what made Smooth puke. (It’s ok, Smooth. It’s just a game.)

    COT with prayer intentions between panting breaths and Cardinal prayed us out. Heckuva job, team. I think we just might make the tournament next year.

  • ParO’dox and the St Patrick Games – from Paradox

    YHC rolled into the Den on two wheels with just a few extra minutes to let some LepraCones (tM) stretch their legs in the ball park . YhC saw Dilly drive up to see what was happening, gave a fist bump and politely let him know that everything he had seen was “classified “. YHC then set out a few coin dishes and the last thing YHC saw was a gangly Irish fellow with a green mullet and a smedium Irish Affliction shirt (never change Thibodaux Walmart) coming toward me. He had Joy in his eyes and a prayer in his heart. He shotgunned a Guinness and told YHC this beatdown was his…that’s when YHCs lights went dim and all that’s left below are eye witness accounts and fragmented memories during an out of body experience.

    Duke !! Get the footage !!

    Warmup

    5:15am:
    Report from Dale at the
    Chic Fil La Drive Thru :

    “I saw several middle aged men loitering around a lion statue. They looked like they were waiting on someone. Then a maniac rounded the corner with green hair and it was business in the front , party in the back . I’m gonna be honest with you here, that guy looked high. Maybe bath salts. He ran around them in circles, obviously some pagan ritual chant playing from a wireless device. He paused in the middle and spoke in what sounded like a hybrid between Jeff Foxworthy and Connor McGregor. They followed him in unison and it only took a few minutes for them to work into a full lather. He gave them one last cussin and they disappeared toward the demon duck pond. Strange man …real strange. “

    5:22am
    Report from Martha who “gets her steps in” every morning at the demon duck pond track:

    “Youths today !! I tell ya what ! They ran by me in a line singing about drunken sailors and rambling rovers! Then they made the last man do a crude 1/2 lunge dance. This new generation is circling the toilet ! Now if you’ll excuse me I need 400 more steps so I can have my pastalaya for breakfast “

    Journal entry from Earl Thibodaux
    Who works maintenance for the parks department and keeps meticulous notes during his smoke break.

    “These young fellas poured into the ball field about 5:30a. They had cardinals, gooses and one guy was straight up named after a piece of wood. Clearly gang affiliated. The skinny mullet weirdo read them an excerpt from the St Patrick prayer and they danced around the field. The signs said :

    Station 1
    Christ Beneath Me
    10 big bois
    1 coin

    5 bonnie Blair’s

    Station 2 Center Field
    Christ on my right, Christ on my left
    15 (2 is one) Apolo Ohnos
    2 coins

    Station 3 Right Field
    Christ Above Me
    20 Star Jumps
    3 coins

    5 bonnie Blair’s

    That fella then organized some sort of exercise money game. Prolly with that real Lean fella they call Enron.

    First they went solo collecting coins at Stations and the losers did squats.

    Next he had them Split into teams
    They started at home base with 2 buckets for coins.
    1 fella was at at bucket doing jumping jacks at all times but could swap out with a team mate.
    The rest of them leapt to any station or a cone to complete reps or gather a prize which gave them gold coins for the bucket of gold.

    He had some cones out too , looked like this:
    Cone 1 (I) 20 LBCs 1 coin
    Cone 2 (R) 100 high knees (1 is 1)
    Cone 3 (E) 30 Leg Raises …(the answer to the preBlast riddle was set as a 0 coin trap . Sorry Dilly! )
    Cone 4 (L) 10 side Lunges (left right is 1)
    Cone 5 (A) 10 American hammers
    Cone 6 (N) 20 flutter kicks
    Cone 7 (D) 10 dolphin Hops

    I heard the one they called Dilly holler “stay away from the E cone, it’s a trap!” They never saw it coming.

    They played a few rounds and the team with the cranky bald fella that makes fake siren noises kept winning. Finally they jogged back around the civic center and I for one , wouldn’t be surprised if you saw those mugshots on the 6 o clock news. “

    5:58
    Dale from Chic Fil La again

    “Well that girl forgot my mini biscuits so I made another lap around the drive thru. That’s when I saw them kids sprinting back to the lion. They did a few more leg ups then counted each other and named each other. They said a group prayer and scattered before I could even jot down a plate number!

    6:20a
    Paradox:
    YHC woke up in his driveway with a foggy head and some scattered cones. A note on my windshield read “you’ve got a solid group of Lads there, now they know a proper Irish beatdown !
    St Patty Pray for us
    see ya next year
    – ParO’dox “

    NMM

    Was recently discussing the consistency aspect of F3 with Enron and we both agreed it had outlasted any previous “fad exercises” in our careers. A funny thing about F3 for YHC is the “frog in boiling water “ effect. One day you walk into your first gloom with old gym shorts on cus your friend said it was “a challenging workout ”. The next thing you know you have on a Irish national flag hat with a sewn in mullet singing sea shanties and yelling “Oui” as a response while you lead other men. Yet just as the frog can’t quite remember when the water started boiling, I can’t really pinpoint when F3 begin to make me a better man. I just know day by day, rep by rep , through suffering and triumph we improve each other a little more .

    See Ya Bonnie Lads in the Gloom
    Dox

  • Pursuit of Joy VQ by Smooth Operator – from Lil Cuz

    Today I showed up to a couple PAX already standing by Aslan talking amongst themselves as Goose and Kilmer were doing an F3 shirt swap which I didn’t know was a thing until this morning. That’s right, we didn’t scare Kilmer away, so I guess we are doing something right. We had 8 PAX in attendance for my first crack at this Qing thing. So, let’s get started.

    Warm up
    -SSH 12
    -Windmills 12
    -Grass grabbers with the clap 12
    -arm circles forward and reverse 12
    -mountain climbers 12

    Honestly YHC thought that this was the hardest part. Apparently saying a couple phrases and basic arithmetic causes me to struggle, but the PAX coached me up and got me through it. Thanks guys.

    After we finished the dreaded warm ups, we moseyed down to the baseball field outfield fence. From here we discussed the first issue I had been having. A couple weeks ago Paradox talked about the differences between happiness and joy which made me realize there are three categories of happiness. From here we talked about the first category temporarily gratification. A couple examples that were used are, alcohol, drugs, pizza, random hook ups that kind of thing. These are temporary modes of pleasure and should not be something we base our lives around. Which we will get to later.

    Thang 1
    Alright, so the first things I had the PAXs had to do was find a section of 5ft chain link fence that looked suitable for holding their weight because we would be going over this fence. YHC figured that’s when the examples of temporary gratification popped up in his younger years there always seemed to be a fence that had to be jumped to keep from getting in trouble. YHC also figured quite a few of the PAX in attendance had similar experiences. Back to the thang, the Pax would be going up and over the fence and performing 11 Derkins, they would then be going back over the fence and completing 10 more Derkins, this would continue down to 7. 45 total Derkins we’re supposed to be completed but I forgot to mention to stop after 7 so the PAX got a little more shoulder and chest work in. After this we completed the same work out but with squats. From here YHC called it, and we moseyed down to the basketball court.

    Thang 2 was temporarily interrupted by the condition of the basketball court which was littered with trash. The decision was made to take a quick break from the beatdown and be men of action to pick up all the trash in the area. Once this was completed, we had a quick short discussion on what could happen if we get addicted to temporary gratification. From here YHC had 5 suicides on the books for the PAX to complete but due to the cleanup operation. YHC decided to knock it down to 3 suicides which was plenty hard enough.

    Thang 2
    Suicides
    These suicides were performed exactly as YHC remembered them going as a teenager. The PAX would start at one baseline and sprint to the closest free throw line and run back to the initial baseline. From here Pax would run to the half court line and then back to the baseline. After we headed on down to the opposite free throw line and back to the baseline. From here we ran down to the opposite baseline and back. That completed one suicide and we knocked out three.

    After this we moseyed down to the stairs on the front of the civic center. About halfway there, YHC almost got to see his bean and cheese enchiladas that he had for supper the night before. But we pushed on to the towering staircases.

    Once at the stair cases, we jumped straight into the thang instead of discussing a more permanent happiness due to our eagerness for more shared suffering.

    Thang 3
    The work out was rocky balboa’s which involved two PAX standing on the bottom of the staircase with one foot on the bottom step and the other on the concrete. They would alternate feet repeatedly until the next two Pax inline completed their timer exercises, which happened to be 10 burpees. The rest of the PAX would be doing planks at this time. After the timers went off the PAX doing balboas would sprint up the stairs and down the adjacent staircase and would be performing Al Gores until completion.
    Upon completion, YHC had the PAX repeat exercise except the stair work out was box jumps which was both feet on ground then both feet on the stairs jumping back and forth until the timer went off.

    After the completion of the exercise we then had a discussion on a more permanent happiness with examples such as, Listening to good music, traveling, art, finding the right kinda friends. And then we moseyed back to Aslan.

    Once at Aslan, we discussed transcending joy with examples such as, finding a good life partner, bringing kids into the world, finding and maintaining a relationship with the Big Man.

    Thang 4
    Thang 4 required YHC to acquire some tech support from Goose and Kilmer but since my 10 year old Milwaukee job site radio works when it wants. We did the first song a classic Rocket Man by Elton John by just iPhone sound, and it didn’t have the effect YHC was hoping for.

    So we push along through the tech issues and planked during the duration of the song and did half burpees when the words high, long, and man came up in the song. It should have been about 40 half burpees but it was hard to hear with the passing traffic.

    After this Goose and Kilmer got the radio working and we completed the next song workout as YHC intended. The next song was Last dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty. We did LBC throughout song and big boy sit-ups when ole Tom referred to himself or Mary Jane which should have been around 30 big boy sit ups. The kicker was holding 6” during the instrumental portions. YHC called it at 0600 on the dot. It was quite a sight to see all the sweat prints on the concrete.

    After this we had COT during which Cardinal aka the animal picked Tana to be the next animal due to his quiet Ragnar like abilities to kick this beatdowns butt. Yankee Joe used his eloquent impromptu praying abilities and prayed us out. Thanks to all the PAX for coming out, that was one fun train wreck of a beatdown, and I learned a lot. Hopefully Monday will be even better.
    See y’all in the gloom,
    Smooth Operator

    Side note: Cardinal said it best “don’t settle for fleeting happiness but seek enduring joy”. This animal truly gets it.

  • A Lion, A Partnership, and a Tank Top: A Short Story – from Yankee Joe

    Seven PAX showed at the Lion’s Den, which was a nice surprise. The night before, YHC had shared a pre-blast with his M, and she responded with something like, “This is why you have difficulty making friends.” Ouch. But, she’s kinda right.

    The idea was inspired by Goose’s Burpee Time(r) beatdown the Tuesday Tuff prior. In that beatdown, PAX rotated through a variety of exercises for the duration of however long it took one PAX to complete 20 burpees. Though grueling, YHC noticed how much more eager he was to push through the pain of 20 burpees when other PAX’s suffering was hanging in the balance. So YHC attempted to take that “leave no PAX behind” commitment to partner commitments. In this episode of “we’re not medical or even fitness professionals,” Partner 2 would work through a combined 15 minutes of elbow plank work, while Partner 1 (the Timer) worked through sets of varying stupidity.

    Ok, so my way of making friends looks different. But is it effective? Well, probably not. Regardless, YHC was happy to see Fence Post who has started to become a mainstay of the Thursday Lion’s Den. In the mold of Lil’ Cuz, his quiet, methodical movements through a beatdown inspire a sense of deep respect. His sheer strength is still unnerving. YHC can’t wait to see him in action come Iron Pax. Part of the reason the Lion’s Den came into being was to be closer to Chackbay. As the Cardinal flies, it is only a few miles. That said, Cardinal does not fly, and he showed up “on time” in the same way crawling “backward is forward” for a crab. Goats in the Machine apparently wants to be a crab too, though he probably still thinks beatdowns start at 5:30 and not 5:15. But the man keeps showing up, and that’s all that matters. Enron made his appearance in an unpredictably good mood. Erich the Great aka Ragnar aka Tana showed sporting his newly acquired six pack abs courtesy of F3. Goose showed up wearing a tank top reading ANIMAL on the front. Enron somehow said nothing about it. I’ll get to that in a bit.

    Warm-up 5:15 – 5:25
    Side straddle hops
    Windmills 15 ct
    Arm circles forward 15 ct
    Arm circles backward 15 ct
    Cherry pickers 15 ct
    Self love
    High knees 15 ct
    Knoxville cherry pickers 15 ct
    Mountain climbers 10 ct
    Mosey around civic center

    The Thangggg 5:27 – 6:00
    Partner up; Start on embankment in front of civic center
    P1 exercise represents the timer for each station
    P2 exercise happens simultaneously until P1 has finished
    P1 & P2 bear crawl between each station
    At end of circuit, P1 & P2 flapjack, then work their way back through stations
    Mosey around civic center between rounds

    Circuit Round 1
    Station 1
    P1 does 25 decline groiners on embankment
    P2 does decline peter parker merkins on embankment
    When P1 finished, both bear crawl 15 yards to Station 2

    Station 2
    P1 does 25 monkey humpers
    P2 does chilcutt peter parkers
    When P1 finished, both bear crawl 10 yards to Station 3

    Station 3
    P1 does 25 burpees
    P2 does J-Flecks (J-Lo both sides, then pickle pounder)
    When P1 finished, both bear crawl 10 yards to Station 4

    Station 4
    P1 does 25 coupon thrusters
    P2 does dancing chilcutts

    When P1 finished, partners flapjack and work back through stations

    Mosey around civic center

    Circuit Round 2: Rinse and Repeat
    Mosey around civic center

    2MOM
    Leg lifts
    Freddie Mercury’s 2:1
    Pulsing Supermans? (Goose called them Lois Lanes, so now that is what F3 Thibodaux will call them.)

    After namarama, Goose explained the tank top. YHC couldn’t help saying an internal prayer of gratitude. Had Goose meant to wear it without any explanation, our friendship would have been examined more carefully. In the end, Goose, always thinking about how to serve the PAX, announced (mandated, commanded) that after each beatdown the ANIMAL tank top would be bestowed upon the PAX that most exemplified the nature of an animal.

    Or maybe it was the PAX that most sounded like an animal? Maybe it was the PAX that best blew ass like an animal? What constitutes the definition of a “beatdown ANIMAL” is still unclear. In Enron’s case, perhaps it represents the PAX that taunts the Form Police most like an animal. But again, I have no clear evidence.

    COT and Cardinal reminded YHC he needed to pick someone to pray. Thus, Cardinal prayed us out.

    Always grateful for each of you and your willingness to push through to your inner animal.

    SYITG,

    Yankee Joe

  • SPORTSman Paradise VQ – from Superfun(d)

    YHC showed up at 4:55 to be the first one at his VQ since he usually shows up 2 minutes before to maximize his sleep. All behold, French Horn swoops in right before YHC like he’s preparing for Yankee Jeaux’s final. T-claps for him for his dedication and time he spends with his mentor. While sitting there waiting for more PAX to arrive, a douche wagon pulls up even with me but on the highway, the bald-headed man nonchalantly backs up to the entrance thinking no one is watching. A strong PAX of 12 showed up on this warm humid morning to witness my VQ.

    Warmarama: SSH, Imperial Walkers, Arm Circles (Front and back), Cherry Pickers, Self Love, Grass Grabbers with the clap

    Moseyed to the BB court. YHC jokingly wanted to have his VQ at Schneider Park for home field advantage. The park has the football and baseball field, but a while back, they demolished the tennis/basketball court. So the PAX was going to take a mosey down Chackbay until we found someone’s house to play BB.

    Thang 1: Basketball (Gotcha )
    – Chatter from the PAX(Paradox) murmured that they called it “Put Out” in the North. Well ole friend, this is bayou country, anything south of I-10 is Gotcha, Yankee! Knowing the PAX is very competitive, I made sure that the two basketballs were the same size with exactly 7 PSI each so I would hear no complaining. Once you were out, SSH until the game was over. Winner gets to pick the punishment exercise for the PAX for a 10 count. Knowing the Lions Den always had a double rim, I was waiting for some good laughs. Not thinking that 12 PAX would show up, the game lasted longer than expected. Eventually Paradox battled out Lil Cuz and became the victor. Paradox graciously gave out 10 burpees to the rest of the PAX. There was going to be round 2 but didn’t want to run out of time. Moseyed to baseball field.

    Thang 2: Football (11s)
    – Started with 1 squat, karaoke from the edge of the infield until the outfield fence (switch direction on each round), 10 Bonnie Blairs (2:1) then Nur back. Repeat. Moseyed to home plate.

    Thang 3: Baseball
    – The PAX split into two teams. This exercise was timed. One member at a time would run the bases until they got to home plate, then the second teammate would start and so on. Here’s the catch, each base had its own exercise to complete. 1st base: 10 merkins, 2nd base: 10 BBSU, 3rd base: 10 Toy Soldiers (1:1), then run home to tag next teammate. Team 1 would go first while Team 2 would plank the whole duration then vice versa. Team 1 edged out Team 2 with a time of 5:11 to 5:38. Team 2 graciously gave Team 1 15 burpees while they effortlessly did 15 imperial walkers. Moseyed back.

    COT and Goose prayed us out. Thank y’all for coming out to support my VQ. The fitness, fellowship, and faith is powerful in our group, and I greatly appreciate the F3 Thib PAX.

    Until next year,
    Superfun(d)