F3 New Orleans

Tag: Colonel Mustard

  • Citius – Altius – Fortius at Mothership – from Triple Shift

    Growing up, the Summer Olympics were a huge deal on television, especially before cable, the internet, and streaming services. The world was watching because there wasn’t that much to watch. To see world class athletes gather to perform on a global stage every four years is a sight to see. Most of them were ‘amateur – unpaid’ professionals looking to secure some financial security with a sports apparel company or another type of sponsorship while they consistently trained in anonymity. What I love the most are the underdogs who were never supposed to win, let alone on the greatest sports stage ever. Check out the most improbable wins at the Summer Olympics.

    https://www.ranker.com/list/underdog-olympics-stories/jordan-love
    https://bleacherreport.com/articles/1171485-the-10-greatest-upsets-in-summer-olympic-history

    With the 2024 Summer Olympics opening night on Friday, I was inspired to provide a workout that would give tribute to the Olympic motto of Citius -Altius -Fortius or faster higher, stronger.

    WARMARAMA
    Mosey to the Peristyle to start the warmup in a mostly low slow cadence. 10 low slow squats, 10 low slow merkins, 10 arm circles (forward and backward), 10 x IC slow peter parkers, 10 x IC slow shoulder taps, 10 x IC slow parker peters, 10 x slow Floyd Mayweathers, 10 IC x Lunge around the clock, 15 IC x Imperial Walkers, and finished up with 31 x IC SSH.
    Now that we are sufficiently warmed up, we mosey to pickup the rocks from behind the fountain and head to the front of the great lawn.

    THE THANG
    Perform 30 squats with rock, 25 LBC with rock, 20 no cheat merkins, 15 lunge walk with rock (2 is 1), and 10 blockees (burpee with rock over head press) then run a lap around the great lawn with is 400 yards for 2 rounds and pickup the six (thanks Catfish and Heisenberg).
    Bring the rocks back and head to the Peristyle for column sit with 20 IC air presses. Onto our six and perform 20 IC x flutter kicks and then cool down with some stretching.

    COT
    Welcome FNG Matchbox by way of Squints! Prayers for the F3NOLA crew heading to the Wild West Relay this week and for those who are needing purpose. Lord, help us to be the difference makers in our homes and our communities. Thank you for the honor of leading!

  • Lucky Bear vs Form Police – from King Kong

    Q vs Q on 1/7/2022

    Our Department had been receiving calls for months about a group of “guys” working out at 5:30 a.m in Kenner. The complaints were never about the noise or other nuisances, but they were about the form. He complained about the push ups…. (they call it “Merks or Merkins”), squats, lunges, burpees, and the list goes on. I recognized his voice every time he called. I couldn’t ignore his complaints anymore since he was so persistent and passionate about the form. As Lieutenant King Kong from the Form Police Department, I showed up on 1/7/2022 ready to hand out citations.

    Upon arrival, I noticed 13 other “guys” (they call themselves “Pax”) showed up promptly on a cold, chilly, windy morning. While I was introducing myself to the Pax and why I was there…. One of the Pax called himself “Rudy” aka Lucky Bear was challenging and questioning me like he was defending his turf.

    A Kenner Native named “Mambi” led a warm up with jumping jacks (they call it “side straddle hops”), windmills (aka “Abe Vigoda”), and a stretch named “grass grabbers.”

    I saw an opportunity to take the lead after Mambi was done with the warmups. I called out another Kenner Native – Mahatma to demonstrate the proper form of a Merkin…. then Gabrielle with squats. After the demonstrations, I led the Pax with 10 merkins, ran to the stop sign, did 10 squats, ran back. When I noticed bad forms, I blew my whistle and everyone had to do 5 burpees. We did that for about 2 rounds… then Lucky Bear interrupted me by telling the Pax to grab a “coupon”, which is a cinder block, and headed towards the levee.

    At the levee, we did something called Gorilla. With a coupon, PAX performed the following OYO without stop: 8 Curls For Girls, 8 Rows, 8 Overhead Presses, 8 Chest Presses, then drop coupon followed this up by a quick mosey over the levee and back. Rinse and repeat until Lucky Bear yelled “halt.” Afterwards, we did few rounds of king kong with the coupon up and down the levee until Lucky Bear yelled halt again.

    At this point, I’m getting tired of Lucky Bear’s nonsense… so I gathered the Pax away from the levee and redirected their focus back on form, but this time with the coupon. We did 7’s (one side with a manmaker, ran to the stop sign and did squats). About half way through, I was interrupted again by Lucky Bear. He must have loved my idea of 7’s. He instructed the Pax to do “Lucky 7’s” – 7 burpees follow with an exercise of his choice in one minute for seven minutes nonstop. I blew my whistle couple times when I noticed his bad form.

    By the end of this, Mambi had enough and halted the entire workout because the environment felt like Form Police versus Lucky Bear. The group voted that I was the winner…. didn’t even know I was in a competition. Now I was asked by the Pax to come back out to Kenner in a month and challenge someone else. They called this “Q vs Q.” I called this a sucker bet to get me out to Kenner at 5:30 a.m. Since I don’t mind getting back out here, only fitting for me to challenge the caller who filed all these complaints. He is Triple Shift.

    Side notes worth mentioning – Fracsac showed up in a Godzilla costume looking for King Kong. Willie is the one who gave me the idea to be Form Police. But the Oscar award winning acting and calling out Triple Shift…. That’s all me.

    Blessed and honored to lead a Q vs Q workout. SYITG.

    King Kong

  • The timely demise of Judge Boudreaux T Hawg, III – from Mambi

    Q v Q. Reluctant Yankee proved just how reluctant he is by backing out (presumably out of fear, though the claim was an “illness” or “injury”). So who would step up to face the formidable champion, Judge Boudreaux T Hawg, III? Who dared to face the swift and sure hand of justice? When what to our wondering eyes should appear, but a raving lunatic in a Mini? Yes, Rudy-Clause emerged from the dense fog at the last minute carrying a bag of toys for all the PAX. And with that, let the games begin.

    Warm Up: Don “Mambi” King kicked off with a welcome and a warmup. SSH, IW, some arm circles, and such. But he quickly handed control to the reigning Q champion to start the main event. But the good Judge was obviously cowering in fear of the imposing form of his opponent, and tapped out. So Rudy-Clause had the opening.

    Thing 1: Naughty and Nice. 6 PAX were obviously naughty. Its clear that Triple Shift and his ilk are on track to have empty stockings this year. They were sent off to collect coupons. The Nice PAX (here’s looking at you, Hokie!) instead got to collect gifts from Santas bag. And what should they find? Bricks! Each Naughty PAX pair up with a Nice PAX. Naughty PAX: start thrusters. Nice PAX: how about some Floyd M’s with the bricks, then a 10 yard out-and-back bear crawl. Naughty PAX griping about the unfairness of it all. So swap with your partner. Time for one more round: Naughty start with Brick-pees, Nice get some Wonder Bras (push them bricks out, then push them up) with an out-and-back Crab Walk. Trade off again, but we ran out of time. Rudy-Clause suspects that the host was skewing time in favor of the reigning champ.

    Thing 2: The Good Judge explains that the only way to shut Rudy up is to enforce a “Mouths Closed” rule. So all PAX start following the judge on a run. If you mouth off, you have to drop and start burpeeing. Surprisingly, Rudy and all the PAX kept quiet, though Bolt and Hokie decided to stop for burpees rather than continuing to run. Frac, however, kept running despite talking in the back of the line. PAX followed the Judge to U-Turn and pick up the missing PAX, stopping for some burpees too. Then continue on to the Mountain for some Obnoxious Exercises (emphasizing what the Judge claims is the “Obnoxious banter” of his foe). Rudy pointed out that some times, exercises just need a little clarification. And with that: Crawl-Bear up the mountain. Think that was obnoxious? How about Walk Crab up the mountain (Gabby calls it quits and just decides to walk). Oh, but the judge wasn’t done yet. He devised an insidious child’s play game – “Somersault Up the Mountain”. RevSox seemed very confused by this one, and just started rolling around in the grass after smacking straight out of his lane into another PAX. Oh, TIMES UP.

    Thing 3: Rudy-Clause starts by observing the recent lessons of his beloved coach Kelly: what better way to care for the kids in ones care then by ABANDONING THEM IN THE HOUR OF NEED. The Santa Clause robes stripped bare, Rudy-Kelly stands before the PAX sporting his new LSU gear. Lets celebrate “Big Game Brian’s” history of success at ND with some over-and-back exercises with numbers called out from the BK era. 0 National Championships (stand there). 1 Freakish southern-faux accent (over and back). 3 losses in CFP (8 ct body builders). 5 losses to “power 5” teams (burpees). 8 losses to “academic peer” institutions (carolina wine mixers). 11 losses to Top 10 teams (BBSU). 21 vacated wins (SSH). Don King calls time before we get to cumulative 72 point losses in CFP. Mahatma greatly appreciated this new insight into his favorite coach!

    Thing 4: Took a little while for this one to come together for the good Judge. Rudy speculated that this set probably looked better on paper than in practice. But lets give it a shot. 3 PAX on the ground holding bricks. A 4th PAX lay across them. Then the PAX try to “bench press”. Everyone got a turn laying, everyone got plenty of turns pressing. One more “Max Out” with 2 PAX together pressing one standing PAX. Most of the PAX got to bench press Fast Tax, who weighs 88 pounds. But when Rudy Clause went down for the count, the good Judge doled out the worst punishment – putting his own 211 pounds on the blocks. A valiant effort by Pai Gow and Rudy but they barely moved that massive load. And with that – time’s up.

    The good Judge gave an impassioned closing argument, explaining just how much of a HIM his opponent was (many thanks!). Rudy Clause seemed surprised by the need to make a closing argument, and could only muster a “Merry Christmas – do you want presents or not?”

    COT: 12 PAX count off. Plenty of confusion on just how to state name, F3 name and age. You’d think this group of veterans would know this by now. Plenty of intentions, including specifically Minute Rice – for strength through a health challenge, and for embarking on a new life with his bride.

    Then the final tally was in – at first, it looked as if the Judge may have fooled enough jurors with his smoke screens of lies and fast talking. Would it be a hung jury? But no – in the end, the PAX voted for the restoration of Christmas this year and sent the Judge packing.

    Come join the Q v Q next month (next year) to see if The Shrimp Man (King Kong) answers the bell!

  • A View to a Kill–er Beatdown – from Bolt

    With a lukewarm Celsius energy drink in my cup holder, I scanned the sky for the remnants of a 600 year lunar event that was nowhere to be found, somewhat disappointed I didn’t venture outside at whatever I times I woke up during the window that surely was THE event. Nonetheless, I’d put my feet on the floor with a commitment to wake up early and do hard stuff, particularly since it was my Q. Surely the PAX I called out with @mentions would follow their guilt West to Kenna hoping the once-in-ten lifetimes celestial event would compel them to as well. Upon pulling up to the AO, my expectations slightly sank as I began to wonder if I’d have the fortitude of a Logo, who solo Q’d/PAX’d a mere two days before!? As I grumbled to myself about not wearing pants or a hat today given the malevolent wind, what should appear but a Mambi, the site Q, in his sheet metal cocoon offering me a warm respite as we awaited other PAX. Alas, 5:30 came and I gave the requisite disclaimer from the warm environs, urging us toward the elements to begin the Bolt 3M promise.

    Warmup: SSH x22, Abe SLOWgodas x10, arm circles forward/back, overhead/seal claps, chinooks forward/back, Moroccan night clubs all x15, self love x10, Toy Soldiers x20, raised arm squat holds x10

    Grab a coupon and waiter carry, switching arms half way-ish crossing the levy to the blustery-er side (that’s a word, right Hawg!?) with angry waves crashing the shoreline rocks. What might my lone compatriot think of this seemingly innocuous start to a beatdown? Were he here, Mahatma surely would be trying to contain his disdain and pursing his lips, lest he ask when either the cardio or the lactic acid would ramp up!? Alas, YHC explained the initial exercises would be a slow burn that primed the body for the second group of exercises. What’s that, you say!? You’ve never heard of those listed below? Would I describe them for you!? NEIN! Curiosity will bring you here for my next Q on 11/29 and I’ll gladly teach you the secret handshake—if you ask nicely…
    Supine spinal stretch
    Low lunge to half split
    90-90 stretch
    Thread the needle
    The real real:
    Kettlebell swings>Primal Walkout>Sit-up-to-punch combo>coupon thrusters AMRAP 45sec work/30 secs rest between exercises (rinse/repeat).
    Carry coupons home>COT
    While few in numbers, mighty in spirit; I’ll return to Q this AO merely for the epic sunrise; until we meet again…

  • F3 Justice – from Kuch

    F3 Regional Court – View District

    In the View District Court of F3 New Orleans

    ————————————————————–
    F3 Nola,
    Petitioner,
    v.
    Jeffrey “Kuch” Green
    Respondent
    ———————————————————-

    Kenner (America’s City), USA

    Friday, Oct. 29th, 2021

    APPEARANCES:

    The Honorable Boudreaux T. Hawgcycle, III, Pontiff, F3 NOLA; on behalf of the Petitioner.
    Fracsac, The View, F3 NOLA; on behalf of the Petitioner.
    Jefferey “Kuch” Green; LVCCC, F3 NOLA; the Respondent.
    Mambi, Hokie, Mahatma, Bear, Kennah Bruh, War Eagle, Bolt, Triple Shift as witnesses

    DISCLAIMER AND WARM-UP
    (5:30 AM)

    PROCEEDINGS
    (5:35 AM)

    Judge Hawgcycle: We will hear the argument in case 21-003, F3 NOLA vs. Jeffery “Kuch” Green. Mr. Kuch, allegations have been brought forth that you are a slick talking, yoga posing, Bernie Sanders loving, no good, Yankee lawyer. These are serious allegations and will be discussed at length throughout this morning’s trial. In keeping with a tradition of the court we will open this session with 15 burpees on your own. Proceed.
    The courtroom does 15 burpees. Bailiff Fracsac ensures that burpees end with a clap, adhering to courtroom regulations.

    Judge Hawgcycle: I submit the first allegation against Mr. Kuch. It has been discovered that in early 2018, Mr. Kuch visited a Yankee website to look up exercise names. After visiting said website, he proceeded to name running up a levee backwards “The Bernie Sanders.” The court contends that Mr. Kuch had no authority in naming this exercise. Let the records show that as early as 2016 this exercise, commonly performed at the City Park District AO Okwata, had been referred to by the name “Quadraphilia,” by the good men of F3 NOLA. If it pleases the court (and it does) everyone will now participate in a round of Quadraphilia. By definition this exercise will last 4 minutes.

    The Court did a round of Quadraphilia

    Judge Hawgcycle: I submit the second allegation against Mr. Kuch. It appears Mr. Kuch has started a non-F3 workout with only F3 participants. This is the bi-weekly Broga workout occurring in the City Partk District of F3 NOLA. This is an unsanctioned workout, but because of the F3 only participation, it has caused a great deal of confusion in the greater community. Article I of the Core Principles is clearly broken. The workout is not free. Adherence to Article IV of the Core Principals is questionable at best. The workout is led by the same gentleman each time, Mark “Pretzel” Berger. Mr. Pretzel is an acquaintance of the Court and his F3ness is clearly in question. Now if it pleases the court (and it clearly does) I will lead the court in a round of F3 NOLA Style Yoga to provide an example of how one should properly pay for a beatdown….through pain.

    The Court did the following exercises:
    • Downward Dog Merkins x 20
    • Warrior I Bonnie Blairs x 5

    At this time the court yields the floor to the Respondent:

    MAY IT PLEASE THE COURT:

    Kuch: the charges against me are serious, and I apologize to this Honorable Court and the Metry contingent on hand for the following:

    • Any time one of your wives saw me in one of my super hot tank tops and accidentally called you Kuch during intimate conversations during the following week.
    • For all of those times you got home and didn’t have to throw your $100 pair of tennis shoes in the dryer or place them on the outside A/C unit.
    • For using the exicon in an attempt to bring more variety to workouts and to make them more interesting.
    • For giving you an opportunity to gain mobility and prevent injuries.
    • For giving you a safe place to wear your yoga pants.

    In my defense, I come before the Court with exercises I believe will please Sheriff Frac Sac.
    The thang: 9 minute ascending EMOM burpee pyramid starting at 6 burpees and going through 14. On the dark side of the levee with visibility low, appropriate tunes were selected: Metallica’s “One” on repeat throughout the 9 minutes. Mumblechatter ensued. T-claps to the 4 people who got every single burpee. It was dark, but I recall Triple Shift, Sheriff Frac, The Hon. Hawgcycle, and one more (maybe Mahatma?)

    I reserve the remainder of my time for rebuttal:

    THE MORE SERIOUS ALLEGATIONS

    Judge Hawgcycle: It is the understanding of this court that Mr. Kuch has manipulated dozens of men in the greater New Orleans area using aggressive, psychological techniques. Through his manipulation he has convinced them to leave their comfortable, yet joyless lives, and follow him in the Gloom of F3 NOLA. Mr. Kuch’s aggressive behavior does not stop there. He constantly terrorizes men, texting them each evening to pressure them into posting in the Gloom. He is known to arrive in their driveway, yanking them from the comforts of their home and taking them to that morning’s workout. There have been allegations that he has an organized a car pool ring, known only as the LVCC, that terrorizes the Lakeview Community every weekday morning. The court does not take these allegations lightly. If it pleases the court (and it obviously does) we will now participate in an exercise to prove how psychotic this man is. May I have a volunteer?

    Kennah-Bruh raised his hand

    6 cones(representing the men of this world) were set out about 10 yards apart along the bike path. Kennah-Bruh played the role of Kuch and it was his job to make sure each cone was standing. All other members of the court represented the Cares of the World and their job was to knock the cones down. After knocking a cone over, you run to the top of the levee, then you can come back and knock cones over again.

    We did this for about 4 minutes. Kennah-Bruh worked valiantly to keep the cones upright, but he was unable to do so. At this point Kennah-Bruh petitioned the court for assistance.

    Mambi joined Kennah-Bruh and over the next 3 minutes they worked together to keep the cones upright. They had better results, but many cones continued to be knocked down.

    Triple Shift petitioned the court to join Mambi and Kennah-Bruh. With three men monitoring 6 cones it was more difficult for the Cares of the World to knock cones down. It became clear by then end of the exercise that anything greater than a one-to-one ratio of Kuchs to cones would be optimal. The court rests upon the argument that this is the goal of Kuch, to create an army of men in Lakeview that are constantly protecting the well-being of others.

    IN MY FURTHER DEFENSE:

    I throw myself at the mercy of this Court and acknowledge the seriousness of the transgressions, especially the yoga. Who could have known when this all started that only months later, F3 men would be showing up to workouts in yoga pants and their newest Lululemon attire. I take no joy in the yoga-fying of f3 New Orleans, and again in my defense, I think most of the uptown guys already had a considerable amount of Lululemon athleticasual wear for all seasons. I suggest it could have been worse – I’ve never made a man wear Notre Dame shoes. I don’t get people’s feet wet when I Q. There is a lot respect for shoes in the LVCC. I’ve never asked a man to take a 12-hour stroll with a 30-pound backpack or run 100 miles through the damn woods. But still, in light of the charges against me, with my last act as champion of this AO, soon to deposed, I set my sights on one final goal.

    Now, some may say this goal is completely out of reach, like teaching the blind to see or the deaf to hear. I prefer to think of it as a “lifetime project,” something that we know will take many many eons to attain, but remains attainable, in theory at least, nonetheless. That goal: Bring a modicum of frisbee competency to Metry.

    The thang: Gather in a circle, 2 in the middle, guys in the circle pass the frisbee around, and everytime it hits the ground, 5 merks for everyone in the circle and 2 new people in the middle. There. Were. Many. Merkins. I lost count quickly. However, as time went on, we were able to string together some rallies, so I feel like we took an important step. We will see next time we all step on the field.

    In all seriousness, briefly: Thanks for having me fellas. Thanks for a truly unique and creative beatdown, Hawg. Thanks for the encouragement, and thanks for bearing with me for the stuff that did not work as well. Frisindian run…. Enjoyed spending some time with my Metry brothers. I will be back. Congrats to Hawg, truly a HIM.

    VERDICT:

    Court was adjourned around the flag of the United States of America. After instructions from the lead juror, Mr. Mambi, the jury quickly returned a unanimous guilty verdict on all counts. It is hereby proclaimed by this court that Mr. Kuch has been found guilty of being a slick talking, yoga posing, Bernie Sanders loving, Clown Car driving, Emotional Headlocking, Accountability Providing, Encouraging, High Impact Man and is hearby relieved of his duties as the Champion Q of F3 New Orleans and is sentenced to 6 months of Community Service in the Pontiff District teaching the most uncoordinated men in the F3 NOLA region the fundamentals of Frisbee.

  • The Star of the Pyramid – from Fracsac

    YHC committed to the Star of the View as the IPC was completed Monday, and this guy had no intention of making a second go of it.

    Not sure who would be present, a simple beat down was prepared. Luckily Kimchi and Mambi showed up to prevent a one Pax show.

    Disclaimer given, then mosey to the lake side of the levee.

    Warmup

    SSh IC x 31
    AV IC x 10
    GG IC x 10
    Bat wings with AC, OC, SC and MNC

    The Thang

    Call in a Ponzi, a ladder, or a pyramid. Build upon each with a lap between. The lap was up and over the levee to street and back, completing 5 jump squats on top of the levee. Anytime a plane came, more burpees!

    5 Burpees
    10 big boi sit ups
    15 Merkins
    20 flutter kicks
    25 LBC’s
    30 Lunges
    35 shoulder Taps
    40 monkey humpers

    COT

    NMM

    -Next week is when the Q vs Q comes back with Boo Boo vs Kuch. You’re not gonna want to miss it. The belt provided by Mambi is over the top!
    -Lots of opportunities to help hurricane victims in the weeks to come. Check out Slack or Mumblechatter for deets. Not on Slack? Ask on Mumblechatter to be added and drop an email. Not on Mumblechatter? I’m speechless…..

    SYITG
    

  • Mode of Transportation (MoT) and Coupon fun – from Hokie

    Our mission is to
    plant, grow and serve
    small workout groups for men
    for the invigoration of male community leadership.

    6 Pax (Frac, Triple, Bar Tab, Mambi, Boo Boo and yours truly) enjoyed the beautiful morning with pleasant temps and relatively low humidity.

    Warm ups
    Bulgarian Lunges/Squats
    Arm Circles
    SSH

    The Thang

    Using Cinder Block Coupons ~ Catch me if you can to the end (800 ft).

    PAX 1 does the 20 reps of the exercise with coupon; then farmer carries two coupons to catch PAX 2 who has been doing the MoT (Mode of Transportation); they switch roles; keep alternating roles until they reach the end of the 800′ runway. (From Circle to 1st large Power tower). At end of runway ~ Iron Sharpens Iron dictates 100 LBC’s & then Shoulder Taps til the six

    1. 20 Shoulder presses – MoT (Mode of Transportation) Bear Crawl.
    2. 20 Big Boi Sit-ups – MoT Broad Jump Burpees
    3. 20 Bicep Curl – MoT Double Tap Lunge
    4. 20 Upright Row – MoT Crab Walk.

    Anytime a plane goes overhead, we took “a break” and did 5 Seal Burpees (A Burpee with three merkins) 1st merkin, then right leg spider man, 2nd merkin, left leg spider man, 3rd merkin… followed with a jump 😉

    Upon returning we knocked out 50 chest presses and a little stretch.

    Closed with COT and reminder for Saban’s birthday 7 miler tonight and tomorrow’s 60th Birthday Party Q by Kenner Brah